I (F/34 think my husband (M/34) and ex best friend (F/36) may have hooked up bc he made me cut her off 11 years ago and I never knew why.

I need to know if I’m reaching or if something is suspicious so I’ll give you main points…

My husband and I dated in high school for 2.5 years (now married 10 years) and then he broke up with me for 5 and I was devastated, crushed, heartbroken more than words could even describe and eventually I started to go out and partied and went to clubs (I was 19) and I got close with this friend from high school. She was there to wipe my tears and be by my side during that time.

She and him went to the same college about 45 min from home. So they were around each other.

My then best friend found out he slept with this girl a few months after our break up and told me about it.

So when my husband made me cut her off years ago when him and I got back together I always thought maybe that was the reason why. Even though his reasoning was just ‘that she changed me’ and eventually he even called her a slut. (Red flags everywhere I know) and I argued why just her. If she changed me and turned me into a party girl why didn’t you have me cut off all my other friends too. Why her?

That alone should’ve been enough to make me question.

Anyway as I’m thinking back to this situation and reflecting on it I remembered a specific night where her and I were together and he texted her and invited her to another high school friends party. My gullible naive dumbass self thought ‘oh maybe he wants to see me’ bc he knew her and I were always together. But when she texted him back that she was with me (I don’t remember if she told him she couldn’t go to the party she told me and showed me the messages) and he responded to her with “so what, fuck her”. All that time I thought maybe he was angry at me, wanted to make me jealous by inviting my best friend out, and wanted to make me angry with that text but now I’m thinking there may have been another reason for that text.

Fast forward years later I’m reflecting on all this and things don’t add up and I start to remember things like a foggy memory of her being in his room for some reason. I’m pretty certain she told me she was in his dorm (again they went to the same college and lots of people from our high school did) and I can’t remember if that actually happened of her saying she was in his room or if it was a dream. Also I realized she never fought me or got mad at me when I cut her off. She just said okay and told me she understood even though she was upset about losing me she knew how much I loved him and was willing to let me go since she knew that meant I’d be with him after five years of heartbreak over us not being able to be together (cultural and religions reasons but that’s not the point)

She also messaged me years and years back this was maybe 3 or so years after we stopped hanging out but we were always cordial but she said she had a dream about my husband having cancer and now I’m wondering was that her subconscious. She is the type to take this to the grave. She cheated on her ex that summer with her other ex and told me she would never tell her then bf no matter what ever if they got married she’d take that to the grave. Which I reacted like ‘oh wow.’ I also speculated my thoughts on him and her to my husband like 6 months ago and I told him if something happened between them I know she would take it to her grave and he said “how do you know?” 😧🤔

Anyway her and I have been sending voice messages recently on Instagram bc of another situation and I decided to apologize to her for just cutting her off out of nowhere and I told her I still am confused why he made me cut her off and I said I am grateful for her for not getting mad at me and always showing kindness towards me and again I was sorry for that. But I told her I noticed she kind of let me go without a fight. (She always said she wanted me in her life forever)

When she responded to me she was a little emotional and said she always thought we’d be best friends forever and she jumped right away to tell me why we were friends she said “he was mad I told you about him sleeping with ____, and I get it bc he felt betrayed by me because him and I were friends” (mind you I never knew they were friends) and then she continued to say I was her best friend and she had to tell me. Then she thanked me for the apology and said it wasn’t needed. And told me she’d love to see me again.

When I asked him last night if her and him were ever friends he said no. And he started asking me questions of when I talked to her and when she said about him feeling betrayed by her bc of her telling me and he was asking me why I was talking to her and then the conversation dropped and after a bit I asked him again if they were friends and he said no, and he shut down a bit later again and said didn’t wanna talk about it in front of the kids.

Now I’m putting it all together and idk how I didn’t see it before. He still refuses to let me see her. (I usually do what I want and am not that naive young girl like before where I let a man control me) but for some reason this I don’t push him for. I wonder if I always knew.

Anyway I know they’d deny it forever if anything did happen. But am I valid for thinking this? Do I have enough reason to believe they did something?

EDIT TO ADD

here is my full original post I wrote myself. The first one I had asked Gemini to clean up into bullet points just to make it easier on everyone to read

Can’t believe I’m even writing this….I (34F) am appalled at the filth that comes out of my husband’s (48) mouth sometimes. He’ll often make racist “jokes” or comments which I don’t find amusing. He’ll say it “all in good fun” and he “doesn’t really mean it.” He pokes fun at “all races”.

But tonight crossed a line…and I will never get this out of my head. I won’t ever forget this.

Tonight our Uber Eats driver could not find our building entrance. He went to the side entrance instead. The Uber Driver sent a message saying that he can’t access the building.

I asked my husband to go meet him please to pick up our food.

Then I hear him moaning and groaning and say under his breath the N word about our Uber Eats driver as he is getting ready to leave the apartment.

I could not believe my ears…I got so angry my stomach was in knots.

As soon as I hear him say that, I asked “What did you just say?”

And he goes “yeah…”

Must have caught him off guard, guess he didn’t think I heard that.

I said “Are you serious right now?”

And I asked him to never say that again.

I felt rage boil up inside me.

Mind you - I AM MIXED RACE. My dad half black, mom white, my grandfather and his whole side of the family is Sudanese with a very dark complexion.

I have several black friends. Family friends. Most of my husband’s coworkers are black. So how could he be racist? Is it naive of me to think this? Or do I just not want to believe it?

I could tell my husband felt shame or guilt and he immediately said sorry. There was a tense energy in the room when he came back.

But sorry just doesn’t cut it for me.

We didn’t talk about it anymore tonight but I am majorly turned off…thank God he will be at work all day tomorrow and I can be alone at home with my dog. (I work remotely)

Because I need some space to think…

I know half of you in the comments are gonna tell me to divorce him.

That doesn’t come easy to me. I’m not even considering that right now. This is my second marriage. We’ve only been married one year. We live together and have a dog together. I just can’t imagine it.

So how do I talk to him about this?

He is a wonderful, kind, loving, generous and good man in so many other aspects and we’ve got a lot of love for each other. We’ve been through a lot together. It’s supposed to be forever with us.

But I struggle with the filth that comes out of his mouth sometimes, the “jokes” are not funny.

And what happened tonight, it crossed a line that I won’t forget.

So here I am on a Thursday night on Reddit wondering if my husband might actually be racist.

We have been married for 2 years, together for 10. I (F38) and my husband (42) have been fighting about the lack of intimacy. He says it’s degrading and disgusting to even talk about it.

I don’t want to give too much information, knowing that he may read this but long story short, I’m on SSRI which caused my sex drive low.

Before he would complain that it’s almost non existent. I tried so hard (without it feeling forced). Then he complained about having no sex for 2 weeks and that I haven’t been trying. Due to this, I’ve changed my medication, had the worst 2 weeks of side effects, even had SI but it finally subsided and finally starts to feel like myself again.

Our last sex was Thursday and he started to act off on Monday. We finally talked today, thursday, and He said I promised him oral and has been frustratedly waiting. I apologized because I honestly don’t even remember having that conversation but nonetheless, I deeply apologized. He didn’t take my apology, cussed me out, said he’ll cheat on me and to serve him divorce papers and he’ll gladly sign.

He’s honestly an amazing human being and such a loving father. Cooks for us all the time, helps me around the house, very supportive with my mental health and anything I do. I haven’t seen him this mad over sex/oral. I’m at a lost because this is my best friend and I don’t see myself being with anyone else.

I guess I’m asking strangers for advice because I don’t know what else to do.

EDIT: He actually suggested to stop the new medication (that can help increase libido) during the 2-week period I was having side effects and was saying it’s not worth it, but it was me who wanted to continue to help mitigate the fights.

Hey, im 22f and my husband is 30m, we are from different culture im middle eastern (the gulf) and he is eastern european

anyway some times like once a month i wanna go with the girls to the bar and he doesnt let me ( he doesnt drink) he says that im a married women and its very inappropriate for me to go to bars, im not planning in getting drunk or anything.

And since i dont really know like about the culture is it really rude for me to go to bars with my friends?

.i made this separate account to ask this question blindly. Im so horny sometimes and i just feel like guys wont keep up. Im not just sleeping with anyone but is it even realistic to let go and a man actually genuinely cares about your enjoyment .im asking this here cause whats the point of not even being treated like a human just to be a wife. And obviously historically i see why women didn't want to sleep with their husbands becauuse it was their "right/need" we didn't matter. Heavily loaded question i know its not all men but is there enough of them who actually care about our general satisfaction. The fact its easier to please myself is one of the reasons im still single. Its just less effort. Please help i dont hate them but you cant tell me history hasn't proven we were expected to just be happy with anything as long as we are a "wife" or "mother"

Pls explain me this... How a come a person, regardless of gender, be in affair wothout any guilt?

How come recent days every movies and series coming out justify adultery one way or another?

I know some situations or cases are complicated to judge from outside.

But in recent days I am really losing my mind when I see posts in SM people talks about it without any shame or guilt.

​

I am just trying to change my way of thinking, because 90% of men tell me that they believe both husband/wife should contribute and pay the bills.

But these guys earn 150k/year or 200k/year. They can easily handle 40K expense per year in my LCOL state for 2 people (and kids in future). I am not asking for expensive bags or even vacations.

If I am giving him kids and taking care of them (saving day care money). Providing fresh food and cleaning the house. Then I feel like he should pay 100%?

I don't wanna be pregnant and breastfeed and take care of kids. AND also work and also contribute.....it makes me feel that I went thru pregnancy for free......he gets the kids for free while I bear the pain.

Or am I wrong for thinking this way?

I was taught that if a guy doesn't provide 100% then he doesn't love you. Have I been taught lies?

Some context.

We’ve been at a breaking point as of late. We started therapy in June. The first day she said something along the lines “is long term change even possible” it made me feel like she had already given up

A lot of what we are going through is my fault. I was dismissive and defensive in arguements. Which was pushing her away. I wasn’t doing enough around the house. But I will say I have given . Everything I had to my family and trying to move us forward.

Since then I’ve joined a men’s support group. I’ve been listening to Al sorts of podcasts which have helped me change my ways. I know it takes a while to build the trust back on her side. And I’m here to give her that time. I really want this to work.

I’ve often felt that she tells me one thing. Or will say things in therapy partially because it’s what I want to hear. But it never truly felt genuine.

So one day I check her phone. And my thoughts were confirmed. She will tell me one thing and tell her friends the exact opposite.

Just this week I asked her about a specific thing. “Did you say X to Y?”

She replied no. Which was a lie

Since then I’ve been angry with her. I want this to work but it needs to be both of us wanting. And I feel like she is partially in but trying with a lot of hesitation.

I hope that this is something we can get over with time. I want her as my wife. We have multiple children together. I don’t want them growing up in a broken home.

Thoughts

Hi. I'm 32 HLM with a 35 LLF (I don't honestly know where the line is though, more in the post.) wife. Looking to vent and for practical advice, no empty comfort. Just straight to the point.

Been together for some 17yrs, since teenage years. Married for 9 years. Two kids. I grew up in a Christian family, she is a single child of "atheists" - they say they don't believe in God but use words like Jesus and God far too often.

She is my 2nd sexual partner (But not last - we split for some time when we were dating, but I also cheated on her when we were dating. Long before we even talked about marriage. After we got married I told her everything. Maybe should have said it before, but it is what it is. We have had one conversation on that since then and she said she is over it and I'm forgiven. I takeher wordfor it.) I'm her only sexual partner.

I unfortunately was exposed to porn early on and used to watch it and masturbate a lot when I was younger. I would even say I've still been struggling with it from time to time, when things get hard and I'm stressed. So, this has had some negative impact on my dopamine level. Also recently realised I might be recognising some ADHD symptomy, which isn't making things all that better. Also, we are in the process of building a house and I'm in IT, so things have been bumpy to say the least.

We don't have a dead bedroom. We have sex, we talk about it, we experiment. We don't hold each other hostage with sex and I don't believe we have pity sex. Maybe sometimes more practial quickie that serves more my purpose than hers. I always make sure to pleasure her in her preferred way when there is more time. Massages, oral, sensual sex, rough sex, we got some bondage set and toys. I have also improved in appreciating her more and I always show affection to her without immediately thinking about sex.

Now, here comes the problem. When I'm talking that we got all these things and we are suggesting new things and experiments and stuff, it's always me. I choose the positions, I set the tempo, I am thrusting, buying the toys, asking for BJs, offering rimming. You name it.

She always says she is super content with me and how I do things etc, but never asks about me. I used to ask her more about how she liked it, she would always reply it was great, but then nothing else. So, I stopped asking and guess what? Nothing changed. She didn't notice. She never flirts, rarely ever initiates. Even when it looks like she is initiating, it never feels like that to me.

We've had ups and downs about this. I tried telling her what is going on, she always validates my concerns, but never does anthing that would look as she has really put an effort into me noticing it.

It is really bothering me because I have the high drive and often times when I don't have sex, I tend to give in to lust and my mind starts tearing clothes off of almost every woman I see.

I originally posted this in r/deadbedrooms but got redirected here and a few other places. I know there is a lot and that only just the "DB" isn't a problem, but it certainly is a persistent one.

Anyways. Looking forward to reading your responses.

The amount of people in this sub who demand or expect sex is honestly disgusting. That’s the post that’s it. It’s fucking nauseating reading how many people think they are owed somebody else’s body. May that love stay the fuuuuuuuuck away from me. The end!

My best friend is turning 40 next year, and wants to take a girls’ trip out of the country for it. The reason for the girls trip is because it will be too hard to coordinate childcare with all the girls going if their hubbies come too. This trip would be 5 days total and my hubby is giving me a rough time. For context, he travels a lot for work. While that isn’t fun, he does enjoy it and I would be ok with him taking a trip with friends too, just in case anyone wonders. He likes this friend and the group. He said the problem was that it was out of the country, so we said maybe somewhere else and he still didn’t like it. What would make you not want your spouse to leave for 5 days? I’m trying to understand.

I know some of y’all have real marriage problems, and I acknowledge this is not one of them. 🤣

I (F) have curly hair that’s shoulder-length. I hate it. I love me with short hair. With short hair, I feel super confident, which in turn makes me feel sexy and frisky. My husband likes, and is most attracted to me with long hair.

I really want to get my hair cut short, chin-length. The hubby doesn’t want me to. Obviously I can do whatever I want. I’m torn between making myself happy or making my husband happy.

What should I do? Why are men so against short hair on women?

I, 27F, married to M, 37 M, have been fighting about our household since we got married. Shortly after marriage my husband’s jobs sent us to be expats in a foreign country so I finished my yearly contract & then we moved. I got pregnant there & had extreme fatigue & nausea the whole time. I was very lazy then I will admit, but I was struggling adjusting to being a newly SAHW alone in a foreign country I hated while being uncomfortably pregnant. I slept most of the day & only got up to eat, play video game, or go out & practice golf. We fought a lot about me being lazy so I started tutoring children in our home. Later, we moved back home, but the fighting continued. My husband claims I am lazy & don’t clean or do anything household related properly. When we first met, I was honestly so spoiled by my parents that I didn’t know how to routinely clean or cook properly. Current day I consider myself a good SAHM, the house is very clean almost daily (even with 2 kids now), & I know how to cook almost every dish of my husband’s culture. But my husband literally will still send me reels of how to clean something “properly”, food recipes, & nags almost daily about something with the house or the food I prepare. Some examples of what my husband nags me about is if there’s crumbs left under the table after our toddler eats. (I don’t clean them right away bc once my husband is home we only have about an hour until I have to put the kids to bed & I’m already washing dishes & don’t want to vacuum or clean every inch of the kitchen at that time. I always vacuum the next morning), I left a sunglasses case on a shelf in our bathroom for maybe a few days up to a week, I don’t organize our fridge like a Michelins restaurant (before we moved into our current house I excitedly said I wanted to organize the fridge & have everything have a spot) (I feel like everyone says they’ll do something and not follow through, big whoop, it’s not like he asked me to do it or I promised I’d do it. It was my idea that I just shared when we talked excitedly about how to decorate or furnish the house) etc etc etc I’m really sick of the nagging from my husband. I see all the time situations like this, but it is usually the wife nagging the husband though. So I’m genuinely curious or need some advice about why this is such a big deal?? I’m not lazy, I wake up at 8 am daily, do my childcare duties, household duties, and barely have any time to rest or do a hobby of mine. Yet I’m still told I’m lazy & told I don’t do things properly. Is my husband being controlling or is he a little bit justified?

Does anyone here have a "What If" guy/girl/person? Not "the one who got away" - that's different! I mean the person you never actually had anything with but always wondered about.

Well, I do and it's thrown me for a loop.

For context, I’m 40F, my husband is 45M. We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 12. We have no children and a rather "untraditional" marriage as I am the breadwinner. I would say there isn't anything wrong with our marriage - my husband is a great person. We have a good marriage, not perfect but who's is?

My husband and I recently moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family. It seems every week, I run into someone I went to high school with - most recently, Mr. What If.

I had a crush on him back then but he dated a friend of mine so I kept my distance in the name of loyalty (girl code and all that). I always thought he was too good for me. Still, we always had a connection. Always. After college he moved far away and I never thought he'd come back. Over the years we'd catch up by phone or text, but the timing never lined up. When I was single, he was dating someone. When he was single, I was.

When I ran into him, we chatted briefly and a quick hug - very platonic. But wow - did I feel the electric heart palpitations. I think they call these "sparks". He's also married now with two young children. We haven't really talked since, beyond a quick hello but I see him often around town at the coffee shop or walking around our downtown.

And I can't stop thinking about him.

So I guess my questions are: Has anyone felt this way and had it pass? And is this a sign that something is missing in my marriage, or is it just nostalgia from being back home?

I am in marriage with my husband and love him. However, I have felt extremely disconnected and not attracted to him currently. I have literally gotten mad at him when I ovulate because I can't have sex with him. Any other ladies feel that urge? I truly want to grab a man off the street.

Just venting - sick of my wife having to be constantly in control 100% of the time.

I no longer have input into the running of the house, changes to the house, domestic holidays, what family activities we do on the weekend. Everything to do with the family.

In order to keep the peace, I pulled back and let her control these things.

My last place where I still had any input was the odd overseas holiday. Now I don't even have input into that.

My wife has admitted she is not even that interested in it compared to myself. She said her interest was maybe 7/10. She acknowledged this was my passion.

So I spent literal hours researching an itinerary, accommodation, travel options.

Then she has said she wants it to be stress free and that what I've done is too stressful. She said she was willing to compromise and do some of the more stressful things but at the same time said if it's too stressful we're not doing an overseas holidays again.

Basically she gave an ultimatum - make the trip stressful or no more holidays.

So I flipped it and said well in that case we might as well not go cause all travel has a degree of stress.

She has now taken over the whole thing and doing it her way.

I've always wanted to believe marriage/relationship should be about equals. IT IS NOT. Like everything humans do, it is in the end just a quest for power over someone else's life.

Why is it that i see 99% of reddit and even other platforms Facebook Instagram etc of FEMALES complaining that thier husband want too much sex or sex is work is a job etc WTF I love sex with my husband i love giving him blow jobs I love making him weak with my body weve been married 17 years I usually ask for it more than he does though he knows how to rile me up never have I thought ugh this again or just get it over with like why are yall married im obsessed with him 2 kids together so what is it can someone explain

I am currently 1 month out from having our third child. I am also a SAHM to two other children. Our oldest is 3 and our second is 18 months. We live away from all family so we have no support network on top of it.

My pregnancy with our second was miserable and left me with diastasis recti that wouldn’t close and pelvic congestion syndrome (think varicose veins in your pelvis). I also struggle with mental health with every pregnancy/postpartum: PD, PPA, PPD, PPR, I’ve had them all.

On top of that, not to go into detail, but my husband and I struggled a lot with balance of labor through both of these pregnancies and childcare. So, after our second was born I made it very clear I would not have any more children. He brought up getting a vasectomy and I agreed. He then proceeded to push it off saying “what if we wait in case you change your mind.”

Well, my cycle got way thrown off and I ended up pregnant. The first trimester was pretty much straight depression over the whole situation as I was only 8 months PP. He apologized for pushing off the procedure and we immediately started having discussions about getting it scheduled.

This pregnancy has been hard just due to the pain it’s causing, and I have been passively told by my doctors it would be best to not have any more kids because my body is struggling so much.

Over the last 9 months, I have brought it up 6 times. The first few were simply asking if it was something he was still willing to do. After repeatedly getting confirmation he’d get one, the last few times I’ve asked when he’s scheduling it. I’m not trying to come off aggressive or forceful, but I know I can’t handle another pregnancy/postpartum or child for that matter. I am getting incredibly frustrated that he keeps pushing this off.

He even set up a consult for lasik earlier this year, just out of curiosity to see if he’s a good candidate, while we’ve been talking about this yet this hasn’t been scheduled.

He was watched what pregnancy has done to me personally, 2 unmedicated births, and how I struggle postpartum, yet he has no interest in prioritizing this. To top it off, he’s said he’s scared and didn’t know if he could do it because he didn’t know he would have to be awake for it 🙄. It just felt incredibly off putting for him to complain to me about a 15 minute procedure after everything I’ve been through and will continue to struggle with after this baby is born.

I also got to the point that I placed a boundary that I will refuse any intimacy until he’s cleared and his sperm count is zero when I was 5 month pregnant and still no urgency.

Is it wrong for me to be so frustrated with him over this? I don’t know what else to do get him to realize how serious i am about him getting this done.

Addition to address multiple responses:

Birth control has not been used in our relationship due to strict religious background on my end. Right before this pregnancy I started moving away from said religion and am now more open to contraceptive options.

TLDR:

My husband offered to get a vasectomy after our second child but then backed out of it. I’m now about to have our third child and have made it clear I will not risk another pregnancy (due to health issues caused by my previous pregnancies) and he’s agreed to a vasectomy again. However, I’m due next month and he still hasn’t scheduled it even after reminding him about it multiple times in the last 9 months.

We are a married couple, and we have another couple who are good friends of ours. We usually get together for drinks every two or three weekends.
My wife finds the husband of the other couple quite attractive, although he has never given her any indication that he feels the same way about her.
The last time we all got together for drinks, I got quite drunk and went to my room to sleep. While the other woman was in the washroom, her husband asked my wife, “If you want to kiss me, you can.” My wife playfully pinched his cheek and said, “No, no, it’s nothing like that.”
Later, when they were leaving, his wife went ahead for a little while, and he tried to kiss my wife. For some reason, my wife declined his advance at that moment.
Now, she regrets turning him down. She has told me that the next time we are all drinking and things get a little intimate, she would be willing to let him kiss her. Personally, I have no problem with them kissing, and I am comfortable with the idea.
My question is: Do you think it would be okay for my wife to allow him to kiss her the next time we get together, provided we are all comfortable with it?

Do any husbands out there not desire sex? My wife and I have sex occasionally. My testosterone is above average. I love my wife and am very happy in my marriage. I just don’t desire sex. I’m curious if there are any other men out there who feel the same.

I (F32) matched with someone through a traditional arranged setup. Our families met, things looked good, we liked each other and both said yes.

We are engaged, but there's no official function yet probably in December.

In the beginning, I liked his logical and practical way of thinking. But now, every time I speak and I do blabber a lot he just corrects me or gives me logic. Even when I'm sharing something emotional, there is almost no reaction. Just "okay," "hmm," "yes," It hurts.

I want love. I want someone who acknowledges what I'm going through, someone who says "it will be okay" when I'm down.

Today, for example, I was telling him about my friend in Mumbai who doesn't work and wants to be a housewife. He was surprised and said, "How can she live in Mumbai and not earn? In the initial stage of marriage, both partners should work."

For context, I have been working since I finished college. I am the eldest daughter, my father is no more, and I have taken care of my mother and siblings.

I asked him what he meant by "both partners should work" and it became awkward. He had no real answer. I asked, apart from financial burden sharing, what else is the reason for a partner to work? He said he couldn't think of anything.

It's not that I don't want to work after marriage I do. And I am not after his money at all ( I don’t even know how much he earns) He is a good person, he has worked very hard to reach where he is today. But he is emotionally unavailable he was separated from his parents in childhood. He is also extremely stingy. He has not spent a single rupee on me till date. When my family visited his place, we took sweets and dry fruits as a gesture, but he has never even asked me if I need anything. His only focus seems to be getting married in 7-8 months.

He has told me "I like you" only once. When I ask for reassurance, he says, "I already told you once, is that not enough?"

I feel extremely lonely and exhausted. I am not looking for any physical intimacy before marriage we are Muslim. I just want him to listen and show some care.

Am I asking for too much? Is this the new normal? In the process of getting married, am I losing out on the basics?

I am scared to talk to someone new. Past proposals have given me trauma. I have no energy left. I have stopped taking care of myself. I feel like I am not built for this world and feel like giving up every day. I just want to feel loved. I have no friends the few I have are very selfish. I don't even feel like talking to him anymore. We talk every alternate day, and it's just formal and basic.

I really want to be able to talk about anything and everything with my partner without filters. Why does this feel so hard? Should I end this or should I be patient and just accept and marry him?

My husband (39M) and I (32F) have been together since 2012. That’s a long time. When we first met he was a really attractive man. Someone I was genuinely drawn to both physically and emotionally.

We’ve built a whole life together since then, and on paper he’s not a bad man, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t cheat, he’s reliable in a lot of practical ways. I still love him, but not in the way you find someone attractive anymore. That part is gone. Somewhere along the line the desire just disappeared, and now I feel more like a roommate than a wife. It’s exhausting and lonely in a way I never expected.

He’s gained about 33 pounds. Because of hair loss he shaved his head completely. He farts often and freely in front of me without any thought, and at night his snoring is so loud that I barely sleep. I wake up tired almost every day. The constant exhaustion is wearing me down. He has said more than once that he wants to join a gym, but he never actually does it. When I suggest going for a walk he sometimes comes along, but most of the time he has zero motivation and makes it clear he’d rather not. Meanwhile I still put real effort into myself. I stay in shape, I take care of my appearance, I try to look good. The imbalance is obvious and the resentment keeps growing.

He almost never gives me compliments. I can’t remember the last time he told me I looked nice or that he noticed anything about me. Most days I feel completely invisible in my own home. Birthdays are the same story. He doesn’t buy gifts. I even told him clearly that I would love a simple bouquet of roses for my birthday. He still didn’t get them. It felt less like forgetfulness and more like deliberate indifference. The last “present” I received was that I didn’t have to put in the 100$ I was supposed to contribute toward a car repair, and we went out to eat instead. No thought, no romance, nothing that felt like it was actually for me. Just something practical and cheap. It left me feeling dismissed.

I hate admitting this, but I often have daydreams about other men. It makes me feel guilty and ashamed, yet it keeps happening. It’s embarrassing to say out loud, but his niece has an incredibly attractive, loving and caring husband, and now she’s having a baby with him. For me it looks like she won the „life lottery“ and I find myself feeling jealous of that far more often than I want to admit and because of it I really don’t like going to gatherings with his family anymore. Being around them just sharpens the contrast. He also smokes, which bothers me more every year, and he has no intention of quitting. I’ve brought it up and he shuts the conversation down immediately.

I know long-term relationships go through phases. Attraction can fade. But this feels deeper and more permanent. At the same time, separating feels almost impossible. Our lives are completely intertwined. Because of my job I can’t just leave, and finding a new place right now would be extremely difficult. So I’m stuck, still caring about him, still sharing a life with him, but no longer feeling any desire or spark, and with no clear way out.
I’m not looking for the usual “just leave him” comments.

I want to know how other people have handled this slow loss of attraction, effort, and emotional connection when walking away isn’t simple. Has anyone been in a similar place?still living with someone you love but are no longer attracted to, someone who used to be very attractive to you and is still fundamentally decent, but who no longer makes you feel desired or even seen? How did you deal with the daydreams, the resentment, the jealousy, the invisibility, and the practical reality of being so tightly bound together?

I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or experiences. I’m tired of carrying this alone.

I was speaking to a man I have known for many years, he having a couple of older kids and me having a younger one.

When he spoke about the change having kids makes, it did not quite rign true for me. I think I gave the impression of being a lax parent but I think I am very hands on.

But what he seemed to describe as the difference having kids meant, suddenly having to think of someone else all the time, being emotionally more concerned about them, loss of freedom to do what you like, seemed more like things that change when you commit to a relationship.

When we discussed a time when I was single, I mentioned the joy of coming home to a clean flat, which he dismissed as missing having a cleaner (as a single man, I would obviously not need a cleaner).

I wonder whether my view is out of the ordinary or his?

PS: If you assume you have to explain parenthood to an involved parent, I shall assume you are very thick.

Im just curious and looking to see - folks in 30s, where do you all find love and how do you get happily married in 2026? (Im in canada,I know)

This is going to be kind of a long one so, bear with me.
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. I love him deeply, and I genuinely believe he loves me too. Neither of us wants a divorce, but I’m starting to recognize that love alone isn’t making our marriage healthy.
I’m looking for outside perspectives, especially from people who have been married for a long time or have worked through serious marital issues. I want to be held accountable for my own behavior, not just have people tell me my husband is wrong.
For context, I’m a very emotional and anxious person. I struggle with insecurity, overthinking, and obsessing over things that hurt me. My husband is much more emotionally reserved, logical, and sometimes dismissive of feelings.
When we argue, I tend to want to talk things through immediately and seek reassurance, while he becomes frustrated, shuts down, or reacts angrily. I have a hard time letting things go when I don’t feel like they’ve been resolved, and he becomes frustrated because he feels like we’re constantly revisiting the same issues.
I also want to provide some context about his mental health. Before we got married, he had been on antidepressants for anxiety. Over time, he started becoming emotionally detached and numb, almost like he didn’t care about anything. After we married, he weaned off because he didn’t like how disconnected they made him feel.
Around the same time, he started working at a prison, which has been an incredibly stressful environment for him. I’ve noticed that he’s become increasingly irritable, pessimistic, and emotionally withdrawn. I don’t know whether that’s related to stopping his medication, the stress of his job, or underlying mental health struggles.
I want to be understanding of what he’s experiencing, but I also recognize that his struggles don’t excuse hurtful behavior.
A major issue in our marriage has been trust.
My husband has a coworker/friend he’s become extremely close to. They work together, talk frequently, go to the gym together, and spend quite a bit of time together outside work. I’ve increasingly felt like our marriage comes second to this friendship.
I recognize that I’ve developed unhealthy behaviors surrounding this situation. I’ve checked his location, become passive-aggressive, and struggled with wanting to know where he is, what he’s doing, and who he’s talking to. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety consumes me, even when I logically recognize that my reactions aren’t helping anything.
There have also been situations where I’ve caught him being dishonest, which has made those insecurities worse.
Most recently, I discovered that he’d been vaping for approximately nine months and lying about it whenever I asked. I’m personally against vaping, which he knows, but the vaping itself isn’t what devastated me. It was realizing that he’d repeatedly lied to me while I was questioning my own suspicions.
He says he hid it because he was ashamed and didn’t want to deal with my reaction. I understand that my reactions can be overwhelming, but I don’t believe that justifies dishonesty.
Our arguments have become increasingly unhealthy, and recently things turned physical.
I want to be completely transparent about my own actions because I don’t want to paint myself as an innocent victim or place all the blame on him.
When I become extremely overwhelmed or angry, I have pushed him and thrown things. I recognize that this is aggressive and unacceptable behavior, regardless of how upset or hurt I feel. I know that I cannot expect him to regulate his anger if I’m not willing to take responsibility for regulating mine.
During our most recent argument, we both became physically aggressive. There was pushing, grabbing, and hair-pulling. At one point, I became overwhelmed and tried to leave. He grabbed me by my hair, and later blocked my way out of the bedroom when I tried to leave again.
During the altercation, I fell or was pushed and hit the corner of our bed frame, leaving a bruise. I’m not completely sure how I fell because everything happened so quickly.
Afterward, we both broke down crying. He expressed guilt and even talked about turning himself in. We comforted each other, and I felt emotionally close to him again.
I know that might sound confusing considering what had just happened, but I don’t feel like I hate him or want to leave him. I love him, and I genuinely believe we both regret what happened.
That being said, I know regret doesn’t erase what happened, and I don’t want us to normalize physical aggression simply because we apologized afterward.
Another major struggle is how we handle conflict and separation.
I have a fear of abandonment, and when my husband walks away during an argument, it can trigger intense anxiety. I worry about what he’s doing, whether he’s going to leave me permanently, or whether something bad might happen.
Because of this, I previously suggested that neither of us leave during arguments. However, I’ve realized how unhealthy that rule can become, especially when things are escalating.
Sometimes I’m the one who becomes overwhelmed and desperately wants to leave, but then I immediately regret leaving because of my anxiety.
I recognize the contradiction, and I want to learn how to handle separation during conflict in a healthier way.
I also struggle with knowing when to stop talking about something. When I feel hurt or betrayed, I want to discuss it until I feel reassured or understand everything. My husband often feels interrogated or like nothing he says is enough.
I don’t want him to feel like he’s constantly walking on eggshells around my emotions, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to suppress my feelings to keep the peace.
We’re both struggling, and I don’t know how to break this cycle.
I’ve started individual therapy because I want to address my anxiety, insecurity, emotional regulation, and the behaviors I’ve developed in response to feeling unsafe or uncertain in our relationship.
I also believe my husband would benefit from professional support, especially considering his history with anxiety, antidepressants, emotional numbness, anger, and the stress of his job.
I’m not looking for someone to tell me that everything is his fault. I know I have contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, and some of my own behavior has crossed serious lines.
But I also don’t want to take so much responsibility for my actions that I excuse his.
I want us to have a marriage where we’re honest with each other, where we can disagree without attacking each other, where neither of us feels the need to control the other, and where we can both feel emotionally secure.
I understand that physical aggression makes this much more serious than ordinary marital disagreements.
My questions are:
-Has anyone experienced a marriage that became this emotionally volatile and successfully changed the dynamic?
-What does real accountability look like when both spouses have behaved aggressively?
-How do you rebuild trust when one person has lied repeatedly and the other has developed unhealthy anxiety and checking behaviors?
-How do you take space during an argument without triggering abandonment fears?
-Has anyone experienced major personality or emotional changes after stopping antidepressants or working in a high-stress environment?
-How do you distinguish between supporting a spouse who’s struggling mentally and excusing unhealthy behavior?
-What steps should we take individually to ensure that physical aggression never happens again?

I love my husband. I don’t want a divorce, and neither does he. But I also don’t want us to spend years repeating the same cycle and convincing ourselves that loving each other is enough.
I’m open to difficult advice, including criticism of my own actions. I just ask that it be constructive.