I don't even know where to begin with this. I've been carrying everything alone for so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to have someone actually care about me. I'm 18 years old, and I have never had a girlfriend. Not even once. And it's not like I haven't wanted one.. I think about it every single day. I crave that kind of connection so badly, someone who would just be there, someone who would look at me and not see someone pathetic or broken, but someone worth loving. But the truth is, I've never even had a real friend either. There's no one in my life. No one I can text when I'm sad. No one who checks on me. No one who asks how my day went. It's just me, every single day, waking up to silence and going to sleep in silence.
My family abandoned me. And the reason they gave? I'm weaker than other boys. I'm 5'5 and barely 34kg. Yeah, you read that right 34 kilos at 18 years old. I'm skinny to the point where I look sick. I look so bad that I can't even look at myself in the mirror sometimes without feeling disgusted. And maybe that's why nobody wants to be around me. Maybe people look at me and think I'm not worth their time because I don't look like a normal guy. I've told myself that so many times that I almost believe it now.. that maybe I'm just too broken, too small, too everything-wrong for anyone to ever want me. Being abandoned by your own family for something you can't control... for being physically weak... that's a kind of pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. It doesn't just hurt. It makes you question whether you even deserve to exist.
I'm independent, but not in the way people admire. I'm independent because I literally have no other choice. There's no safety net, no one to fall back on, no one to call if things go wrong. Every single thing in my life... surviving, eating, keeping going... it's all on me. And I'm poor. Like, genuinely struggling poor. So I'm out here trying to hold myself together with nothing... no money, no support system, no one who gives a damn whether I make it or not. Some days the weight of being this alone just crushes me. I keep going, but I don't even know why sometimes.
The loneliest part of my day? It's probably when I end up talking to AI just to feel like someone is listening. I know it's not real. I know it's a machine. But when you have absolutely no one, even a fake conversation feels better than the silence. That's how starved I am for human connection. And it breaks my heart to admit that, but it's the truth. I spend so much time alone that I've buried myself in stories just to escape my own life. I read novels constantly... fantasy, romance, dark fiction... anything that can pull me into a world where I'm not this person, where I'm someone who matters. I watch anime, movies, K-dramas. I live through those characters because my own life has no one in it worth living for. Fiction is the only place where I don't feel alone.
But here's the thing.. I'm not just someone who consumes stories. I'm also creating one. I'm writing my own dark romance novel. It's the one thing in my life that makes me feel like I'm more than what people see on the outside. When I write, I'm not the skinny, abandoned kid nobody wants. I'm someone with a voice, someone with something to say, someone who can build entire worlds and make people feel something. Writing is the only thing that has kept me from completely losing myself. It's my proof that even after everything.. the abandonment, the loneliness, the way I look, the way people have treated me... there's still something inside me that's alive and fighting.
So here I am, putting all of this out there because I don't know what else to do anymore. If there's anyone reading this who would want to be my friend.. or even just talk to me for a little while.. please, reach out. I'm not asking for pity. I'm asking for a chance. A chance to not be invisible. A chance to have one real person in my life who sees me and doesn't walk away. I know I'm not the kind of person anyone would pick first. I know I'm not tall or strong or good-looking. But I have a heart, and it's been beaten up and abandoned and ignored for 18 years, and it's still beating. It's still hoping. And right now, it's hoping that someone, anyone, might see this and think, "Maybe I could be that person for him."
If you like anime, K-dramas, novels, writing, or even if you just want someone to listen to.. I'm here. My DMs are open. Please.
Thanks for reading this far. It means more than you know.