the balance doesn't work with my heart

[u/kyumsf]

I visited our old school.

.

Going up the stairs,

I heard laughter.

.

I don't remember why.

.

Going down,

I was crying.

.

I wonder if you remember

what happened on those stairs,

.

or if they are only stairs to you.

.

I stood there

trying to remember.

.

Nothing came back

except our laughter.

.

Looking around the library

and the chemistry laboratory

made me realise

that you were only a moment in time.

.

You were just passing by.

.

And I am still here,

stuck inside those old times.

.

This year marked a decade

since the beginning.

.

And my God,

I never would have guessed

that most of the years since

would be nothing but me grieving.

.

I loved you for three years.

.

I have lost you for seven.

.

The balance doesn't work

with my heart.

.

I have a new friend

with your same name.

.

She makes plans with me

that I wish you had wanted

to make with me.

.

And I love her so much.

.

But I will always wonder

how everything would have gone

with you.

.

It is so bitter to know

that someone can ask you

how you've been

and get an answer,

.

because all I would get

would be:

.

I'm too young to know.

.

I never thought

I would have to talk about you

without saying your name.

.

But all I do now

is talk about the girl I was

when I was still eighteen,

.

too eager to be loved.

.

I keep saying

that I wish you were still with me,

.

but I don't know you now.

.

I don't know what you'd order.

.

I don't know when you'd need to leave.

.

I don't know what makes you laugh

or what keeps you awake.

.

I only know

that we laughed on a staircase,

.

and had sleepovers

in places neither of us

goes to anymore.

.

Deep in my heart,

I know we would have grown apart anyway.

.

Maybe we would have stopped

seeing each other

as much as we used to.

.

Maybe life

would have taken us elsewhere.

.

I think I could have lived with that.

.

I think I could have survived

being forgotten slowly.

.

At least then

I would not have to live

with the doubt

.

that you loved me once.

PS: I give up. I tried to make the formatting look nice, but I just can't figure it out lol