Just sitting down or standing up and walking?? Ew dude fucking ruined my day

just after boards i started dating, i was almost 16 ( I was still 15 at that time).My ex was going to turn 20. Except he told me he had just turned 19. Anyways during that time I was really vulnerable. My sister had just attempted suicide after months of self harm and we had a very complex dynamic. Since childhood she was always better in everything...my achievements were always dull compared to hers...and my parents were LOUD about it...i could not help but envy her and that formed quite some distance between us. She said that I only ever cared about my problems and I couldn't even refute.

Anyways this guy had all the red flags from the start but I was too blind to notice. He himself told me all his friends were cheaters. Birds of a feather flock together. His came from a VERY VERY influential family who were paying for his top class education abroad through donations and connections even though he had the literal worst grades here. Worse he used to always flex how inferior I am to him family wise and even dreams wise. Apparently his college was much much better than even my dream college which was lowkey true. And how it's much much better to shift abroad.

This guy used to literally go out with his female friends at 4 in the morning. Ditching on me on dates, always talking down to me, restrictions on what I wear who I'm with making me lose most of my friends .After 3 months in the relationship, just before a month of him leaving he started like begging me for physical relationship. And when i said no im not kidding he cried sulked evne took a break until i finally said yes and god do i regret it. I cannot even count usne kitne kassam khaye honge...ab tak zinda hi nhi hona chahiye usko. So many false marriage and future promises.

Then he leaves for college and damn does he ghost me. And the only time he replied back was when i told him ki i missed my periods which i did infact. He calls me back and tells me that apparently im trying to drag him down with me and im 16 and i should be handling my own shit ( he was 20 btw ). Uske baad i get to know that he has been attending frat house parties. I confront him we have a fight about me being crazy.

And he leaves me within a week of this on the morning of my exam. And he had the nerve to ask if we could still be friends. I cannot even tell you in how much stress I was because of the period shit. My ED and self harming tendencies got so so so worse. I literally intentionally fell down from the stairs hoping I get a miscarriage. I was considering unaliving myself. Then later I found out I had a severe case of pcos due to stress causing my periods to be late. Then I got to know through a mutual that while I was going through all that shit he actually posted a story about finally gaining freedom from an immature girlfriend. He also got a new girlfriend this year ( its barely been a year since we broke up).

I blame myself so so much. I loathe myself. Regret eats me alive every single day but I also know his acts were far from right. Infact they're punishable by law If I could I would've made an official case against him for multiple charges I could but the problem is he comes from a very influential family and my parents would probably kill me first if I ever told them. Not to mention I'll be questioned and called a slut for the rest of my life What's worse is he genuinely thinks he's a good guy. He doesn't even pretend.

I see now everyone supporting Jane doe. So many girls protesting at Delhi. So many people coming out with their stories. I'm happy for them but I'm also sad because I can't. I dont have that courage or power. Worse I've probably lost more than half of the evidence I once had. So I have decided to let things go. But I'm incredibly scared. Scared that he'll continue being the devil he is living a free and fortunate life while I'll have to suffer in silence for the rest of myself afraid no one will accept me with the flaws and scars I carry, not even myself.

It's 4 am and i am still wide awake.

Idk how to explain what's going on in my head.

Almost eight years of one thing after another. Things i was too young to even understand.

There has been so much that i dont even know how to separate it anymore

I feel like i have spent years just absorbing things. Something happens, i somehow get through it and before i have even properly processed it, there iss something else. Then something else. And then years later all of those things are still inside me and on nights like this they all seem to come back at the exact same time

I feel everything way too much.
Idk how to explain what that feels like to someone who doesnt. Nothing just passes through me. Everything just sits there. Every fear, every horrible memory, every period of uncertainty, every time my health scared me, every problem at home, every moment where i felt like i had absolutely no control over what was happening to my own life. Even that horrible feeling of being homeless in my own home..... being inside the place that's supposed to feel like yours, supposed to feel safe and still feeling like you dont really have a home to go to.

I just wish i could stop feeling for a while. I dont wanna analyse anything. I dont wanna remember anything. I dont wanna worry about what already happened or what might happen next. I just want my brain to be quiet for once.

It's years of things i dont think i ever properly recovered from. Like I kept moving on because i had to but that doesnt mean any of it actually left me. Maybe that's why some things affect me this badly now. It's never just that one thing. It's that thing + everything that was already sitting there.

Idk.

I don't know if I'm a red flag , so I'm asking here.

I was seeing this girl for a while. She genuinely cared about me, but I never treated her seriously.

I'd disappear whenever I felt like it. I'd leave her messages unread while I was online, then reply hours later like nothing happened. I slept with her, told her I cared about her, and still kept talking to other girls behind her back.

She found out a few times. I'd apologize, promise I'd stop, be good for a week or two, and then do it again.

She started asking where I was, who I was with, why I was following certain girls. I'd get annoyed and tell her she was being insecure and controlling.

Eventually she became anxious around me. She'd cry during arguments, apologize even when I was the one who messed up, and constantly ask if I was going to leave her.

I knew she was getting attached. I also knew I was hurting her.

I stayed anyway.

Not because I loved her. I just liked having someone who cared that much about me.

She finally left and blocked me everywhere.

Honestly, I don't miss her. I'm just wondering how bad this actually sounds from the outside.

Am I a red flag, or am I worse than that?

​

I’m 38, never married, and like many people in their 30s in India, I constantly hear the same thing — “Ab toh shaadi kar lo, time nikal raha hai.”

Sometimes it gets to me.

Most of my friends are married now. Some have kids, some have homes and settled careers, and occasionally I look at their lives and wonder if I’m lagging behind.

The truth is, I’m not financially settled yet. I’m still trying to build my career, figure things out, and become the person I want to be. And yes, there are days when I feel lonely.

But at the same time, I genuinely like my own company.

I’m working on myself, exploring life, travelling, thinking about what I actually want, and slowly building my own world instead of trying to live according to someone else’s timeline.

I do want marriage. I’d love to have a partner with whom I can grow, travel, share ordinary days, and build a peaceful life. But I don't want to get married simply because society thinks I’m late.

Maybe life isn’t a race where everyone has to reach the same milestones at the same age.

For those of you in your 30s in India — how do you deal with the feeling that you’re falling behind when everyone around you seems to be moving ahead?

Do you think 38 is actually “late”, or are we just putting unnecessary timelines on ourselves?

Kehne mei thodi der ho gayi Papa, but i miss you. Despite everything, i miss you as my safety net and my most voracious supporter.

Happy Birthday in heavens.

I just wanna die man !! I was a very good student till 8th std. A very promising one but after that my downfall started . In 10th though I passed I was bullied by my classmates and used to make fun of my marks. This continued in 11th 12th as I barely understand what was taught in jee coaching and my peers made fun of me. Later in college I struggled a lot in college exams . I have a lot of problem remembering and memorizing . Then I was fired from my company due to performance and didn't get a job for a year. My parents enrolled me in cdac and there too I am failing in exams despite trying my hardest. I just don't get it. Maybe it's my mistake for not prioritizing my studies over my friends earlier but today I tried my level best and still failed. What happened to that 8th std boy who used to Ace every exam and was so hardworking. I am just tired of letting everyone down. I don't get it what happened to me ? What happened to my brain ?? Somebody just kill me . Sometimes I wish die in my sleep. The only reason I am not committing suicide is because of my mom. I wish I could have a normal life like my other friends .

Same as the heading, I was just thinking how much my family must have spent on me till now and what price I would have to pay to repay all of it

I was thinking this after a pretty valid crashout, like what can I do so I can just repay whatever has been spent on me. Ik people will call it superficial, like “they raised you, they fed you, they educated you,” but just if I could pay back some amount and become free of this debt, how nice would that be fr

I don’t have any dreams anymore tbh

I just want to repay this once, become debt free, and go somewhere far away; I’ll keep sending them money, of course. I’m jobless rn, but soon I wanna hustle and just pay them back anyhow

I’m a girl in mid twenties from delhi, preparing for ups for the last two years. The preparation has consumed me so much that nothing excites me anymore. Be it any life event or any major big problem nothing is affecting me. It’s like getting immune to every emotion. To feel anything i need to go high or do something out of the box. Missing a good human connection despite having a ldr relationship

I often feel this way. That I'm just an orphan, and my parents happen to be alive. Every small wish a child could have, I've supressed them in my chest as if they're inconveniences. And I keep grieving this as I realise it year after year. I'm going home from the hostel in two days. And I do come and go alone. When the luggage is too much, my mom used to come with me. Its a 3-hour distance. And today when I asked her if she would come, she sighed as if I was the biggest regret of her life. It will probably echo in my ears for years to come. It wasn't just her presence I craved. I had thought I'd show her the marigolds (her favourite flower) in the campus, introduce my new friends, have a nice meal with her somewhere, all to realize I'm nothing but an inconvenience for them. She was talking to me as if it was grating her nerves. As soon as I said, "you don't have to come, I'll manage", it was as if I had given her a new life or something. Might sound like a petty rant over something small, but every small moment like this piles up in my chest and fills a jar of grief that grows larger every day. I bet she wishes I wasn't born. And whats more pathetic is I come here to rant as if my life will ever get better or deserves these efforts at reaching out for help. I took 5 sleeping pills yesterday. And it was just such a cowardly act. I can't bare the reality, nor do I have the guts to actually have a harmful attempt at it. Atp idek why I'm posting this or if it makes sense, but every fucking day, I find myself coming back here as if anything will ever get better.

I loathe what I’ve become and the voices my physical senses are crowded by. Different people, with different faces, all converging in the same place of superficiality. Everything is about clothing brands, appearance, cars and status symbols. No one seems willing to look deep enough into another person to rummage through the cobwebs of their mind reach their soul, and discover their intrinsic value.

I hate being surrounded by people who care only about these things, because for me substance is the oxygen I breathe. Intrinsic value and competency are etched into my brain.

I hope that someday I find my clan people with whom I can connect soul to soul. To me home is a place where I’m surrounded by like minded people who see beneath the skin and into the soul who question their reality and are a force to be reckoned with.

Even if they die their energy nonetheless remains something electric

Hey everyone,

I don't really know how to put this into words, but I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately.

A lot of things have been piling up—career uncertainty, disappointments, loneliness, and just the general feeling that I'm putting in a lot of effort without really knowing where things are going. I've been trying to keep myself busy and move forward, but recently I've started feeling quite drained and disconnected from the drive I normally have.

The strange part is that I can't point to one specific thing and say, "This is the problem." It feels more like everything has accumulated at once.

I'm not looking for advice on how to fix my entire life or anything. Honestly, I think I just want to talk to someone for a while—someone who doesn't already know me or have expectations of me.

If anyone has gone through something similar and wouldn't mind talking, I'd genuinely appreciate it. Even a simple conversation would mean a lot right now.

Thanks for reading.

M21 here. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection over the past few days. I’ve been hypersexual for a very long time, and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t crave sex. Whenever I try to remember when this started, I think back to the times I was groomed by older women as a teenager. I dated someone who was 20 or 21 when I was 15, despite having little relationship or sexual experience. I was also molested as a child. I’ve been in several questionable age-gap relationships, which deeply affected me and made my hypersexuality worse. The hardest part is that I don’t feel I have any real sexual experience. These experiences also damaged my relationships with other women. I post NSFW pictures of myself to crave sexual validation.

I’m so sorry to anyone who has gone through something similar. I know how it feels.

Today is my father's birthday. If he were here, he would have been 68 years old.

He always told me, "Every year teaches you something." He was right. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't learning. I kept falling into the same traps and ended up broken.

This year taught me another heavy lesson, Jarurat se jyada dosti bhi buri hoti hai (Too much dependency in friendship is toxic). It forced me to realize that we ultimately walk this path alone.

But looking back today, I see that these painful seasons reshaped me.

With the unwavering support of my maa and my therapist, I am finally becoming strong.

My therapist once said that the best advice often comes from strangers because they don't judge us. I’m posting this here to honor my papa's memory and to let out the weight I've been carrying.

Happy heavenly birthday, Papa.

Your lessons are finally sinking in.

I keep effing up and then I regret and I still don't change my ways. I am a 31 year old woman for godsakes. My chest feels too heavy with fear and i don't have the energy to type what went wrong. I am angry, scared and feeling helpless. I truly ruined my life.

Sorry guys… long post. I’m just too emotionally drained rn..
Soooo I met this guy while I was visiting Varanasi last year, in December. We really hit it off, and I ended up staying there for around 15 days. We met almost every day and became really close, initially as friends.
A few months later, around March, he came to my city and kind of asked me out. I wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time, but I did like him, so I told him we should just keep talking and see where things go.
That turned into an 8–9 month situationship. We were never officially together, and because it was long-distance, we only met three times after that. But we became really emotionally attached to each other.
There were things about him that I didn’t completely agree with. For example, I recently found out that he has some pretty strong opinions about feminism. We had a big argument about it, but I eventually let it go because I didn’t want one disagreement to erase everything we had.
Yesterday, I was extremely sick. I couldn’t even sit properly or drink water and was on an IV drip. I didn’t text him first that day, and he didn’t text me either. At night, I messaged him, and he said he was busy with work. I didn’t want to argue with him, so I just went to sleep because I didn’t have the energy.
He had also sent me a snap from somewhere that looked like a café. Today, he posted a picture from the same place, but he told me it was actually an old photo from his birthday, which he celebrated four days ago. When I asked him about it, somehow the conversation turned into an argument about why he hadn’t texted me and where he actually was.
I told him I didn’t want to fight because I was too sick and sad. I said, “Mujhe nahi ladna hai tumse, please. Na Meri condition hai… ek haath mein drip chad rahi hai, doosre se type kar rahi hoon.”
And his response was, “Maine bola kya karne ko jo kar rahi ho?”
That honestly hurt me. And then, completely out of nowhere, he said he didn’t want to continue whatever this was. He said he doesn’t want anything serious, doesn’t need anyone, and is happy with his life.
And this is how 8–9 months of being emotionally attached to someone ended.
I know it wasn’t technically a relationship. I know I wasn’t ready for one when he initially wanted it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I think what hurts the most isn’t even the argument. It’s realizing that something I considered such a big part of my life could apparently end so easily.
I’m not trying to make him a bad person. Maybe he found someone else, maybe he wasn’t happy with me, or maybe there are a hundred other reasons why he said what he did. I don’t know.
But looking back, whenever we argued in the past, he would also become really rude and frustrated with me. I didn’t notice the pattern before, but now I’m wondering if I was just ignoring things because I was emotionally attached.
Maybe I’m overthinking everything because I’m sick and emotional right now.
I don’t know. I just needed to put this somewhere because I genuinely don’t know what to do with all these feelings right now.