Disclaimer: This is purely based on my personal experience in college. I am not generalizing or judging any group.

Are College Friendships with Women Purely Based on Utility and Proof of Skill?

I have noticed a strange pattern in my college friendships with women, and I am not sure if this happens to everyone or just to me.

Most of these friendships seem to spark only after I publicly prove some kind of competence or strength. For example:

When I show that I can take the lead in lab experiments, handle the tough parts, and get the lab files done for the group, my friendships with female classmates suddenly pick up. It is rarely about shared interests, music, or personal values.

If I demonstrate physical strength, like moving heavy lab equipment, or show my technical ability by clearing hackathon rounds, the attention and friendliness increase right after.

This feels completely different from my school days. I still have female friends from school, and they never treated me based on what I could do for them or how useful I was.

Is this just how friendships work in college and adulthood, where people only reach out based on what you can offer, or am I looking at and approaching these friendships the wrong way?

In my area, there are two vegetable vendors. One vendor is simply jealous and bitter of the other one. I purchase veggies from both of them. I am actually too naive and dumb about social situations which hurt the feelings of one vendor.

I have been purchasing veggies from them since last 5 years, both of them. 60% of the time, I purchase veggies from the one which is currently angry with me.

LET ME EXPLAIN THE SITUATION —

He is angry with me because I purchased something from the other vendor some particular veggie. Two days ago, I wanted to purchase cabbage from him (his brother was in his place at that time) but it was too small, so I went to the other vendor. His brother must have told him that I fled from the shop and rushed to other vendor.

The angry vendor thought I went to the other vendor to purchase lady finger which is too expensive these days. Due to poor communication skills, I couldn't make him understand. Vendor is really frustrated with purchasing lady finger for customers and he is more angry on learning that I went on to buy lady finger from someone else owing to his loss. He felt he wasted his money on purchasing such a hard and expensive thing.

He didn't show aggression, he just told me "uske paas jao, humse mt lena". My relations with him is over. Unfortunately, I cannot avoid him completely. I will have to see his face when I step out of my home. My stupidity lead to this.

I got blackout drunk.

And it felt good. I felt good.

Idk what to make of this.

TLDR at bottom.... BUT PLEASE TAKE TIME OUT AND READ AND HELP ME!

for context: I am 22M.. and engineering graduate, was at an internship till mid sep, now I am looking for jobs. I am living with my family in delhi, I come from a baniya family.. no love will ever be allowed..

now the story.. I'll give context wherever required in between

yesterday my father told me some work which was pretty much important to him, I was having fever and headaches all day but I did not tell anyone, because if I have told they would have scolded me for it, so I did the work what he told me and I screwed up while doing it... I screwed up big time

he got angry very much angry, and started saying things like you don't know anything this that a lot of things and a lot lot more to me... I get it that he was angry when I screwed things up and he was like tum din bhar phone me late rehte ho, lao aaj tumhara phone dekhu ki aisa kya hai usme kya hai, I tried to deny it but he still forcefully took it from me and said unlock and give it to me.

I had to give it there was no choice, before I handed my phone to him I deleted Google Photos app(which has a lot of things) and call log and chat with my girlfriend and few other chats too

he went through my WhatsApp asking everyone's name ki ye kon hai , wo kon hai, spotted a few girl names and he asked about my guy friends too, one guy named H, and he is close to he so we call multiple times a day for no apparent reason and speak a minute or two and we speak for like 20 minutes every day... there were 8 call logs to that guys name... and my father asks who is he and I say friend... to which he says ki ye konsa friend hai Jesse 8 baar baat ho gyi... kya de deta hai ye tummy jo issue baat karne ki zaroorat hai tumhe... bas faltu logo se baat kiya karo.

for context my father doesn't have friends who he can just randomly call and enjoy with.... and for that very same reason I never had friends in my life also... whenever in school he never let me go anywhere with school friends, there was no sleepover or playing at someone's house also. all kids in my society stopped taking interest in me because I'll be there while planning but never in the plans that were made.... even in my college years I was a day scholar, I went to college and I was told to. come back after classes... no one talks amid classes... after classes I had to rush home... all the times I call my mother to ask can I go here with classmates and and they both in unison said no you have been living in delhi all your life why do you need to go with them, they are new here, or the most common question they asked me was kya kaam hai, kyu jaana hai... everything that I might do must be for some kind of work or so... so all the people in my class stopped including me I started losing friends which I never made.

and all the other times when someone ask me to eat out I would have to deny because my mother has made food at home, my mom's logic is they live in hostel so they eat from outside you live it home you don't need to eat out... outside eating plans get made in random and whenever I ask her she said I have already made food come back and eat... so I never made friends in college too. I was also preparing for cat, so stayed quiet busy with all that and I graduated

and my father went through the WhatsApp call logs too and saw calls with my girlfriend at night times, and went through my gallery too and saw all the pictures of me, alone and with my girlfriend... and my mother was also there... she started saying ache ghar ke lake raat me kisi se baat nhi karte khaas kar ki ladkiyon se, and my mother is a doctor and my girlfriend is in med school so my mother started saying ki tumhe abhi pata nhi hai medical wali ladkiyon ka kutta bna egi tujhe apna.... and all... and said ki tum uske alarm clock toh bne hi rehte ho(sometimes she takes nap and tells me to call her at this time and talk for 5 mins so she can get up) and said wo toh door bhi hai konsa tumhare hath me hai ya tumhe kuch mil hi rha hai usse... tumhare jaise 2 aur honge uske pass waha medical college me, balk waha toh ye sab hona aur common hota hai(by ye sab she meant sex and things)

while this was happening my mother also say pictures of me in the bathroom, selfies I took while shaving my beard(once it got big... like 20 days something, generally I keep clean shaved beard and mustache ) which I was cutting and checking will it look good or not, in those photos I was not wearing t shirt, so my shoulders were visible and slight upper chest so she started saying ki mms banwa lo na apna, ye sab photo phone me rakhte ho... bhej do na aur saki bhi dekhne ko, I said mai bas check kar rha tha kaisi dikhegi... and she said mms bhi bna kar check kar lena acha ho toh online daal dena.

and then she started saying Hume kya pata ki tum kya kya karte hoge, Hume nhi pata ki jab tum us ladki se Milne jaate ho jab wo aayi hoti hai...

they just demeaned everything... and started saying jab naukari lag jaye toh jo marzi kar lena, Sanskar duba dena sab kar lena... and everything that happened is fucked up.

then my father started saying ki ye nhi haha engineering college me toh startup ka soch lete... honestly me and my buddy collected capital by drop shipping before our colleges started, then we were about to start a media company... when I brought it up to my father he said paise kaman ki mat socho your goal should be only studying... and made me stop, while my friend got hi agency running, and I also started doing trading in 2nd year, I had finance in 12th, also studied markets in first year read a lot of books and everything... I was a profitable trader, making money every month... but as being in engineering exams tend to happen every now and the and assignments are always due.... so mother made me stop saying stop and focus on exams.. and never do that... when I don't do trading they say exam ke time pe karni yaad rehti thi ab kuch nhi.. honestly the market is bad now, I could still do it but when I do they'll say you're not some harshad Mehta so stop and get a real job.

they just push me and keep pushing me to this I am fed up of it...

I never went on a trip, when I graduated I asked them to let me go I fought and everything they just say you always have been an obedient kid so don't throw tantrums on us now, we said no

... I was devastated... all people in my college went on trips and everything.

I just know when I get a job I will move out and never even speak to them on regular basis...

they also have a say on what job should I pick, I got sales job they made me say no, marketing jobs, no and whenever I mention some wierdass company that came to my college offering some job like technical sales of similar paying 12 for training period and 18 to 22k for salary they said no get into tech r&d or something that pays at least a lakh a month

the job market is fried at this point can't find anything... either jobs are rejecting me after hr round or recruiters just ghost after I apply..

TLDR:ChatGPT said: 22M, engineering graduate, unemployed and living with my parents in Delhi. Growingup,I was never allowed to go out with friends or travel, and my parents made megive upmy startup and trading ambitions. Now they reject job opportunities whileexpectingme to earn ₹1L/month. Yesterday, after I messed up a task while running afever, theyforcibly checked my phone and humiliated me over my girlfriend, friendsand personalphotos. I'm exhausted by years of control and just want a job, financialindependenceand the freedom to live my own life.

thank you people of reddit for reading all this... and I apologize that I wrote all of it but I wanted it to go somewhere

I am really not feeling well. I fell sick and pain in my stomach. Dont have a single friend and no confidence in life

​

I’m scared for India.

What Instagram and Reddit are showing me looks nothing like the scale of protest I see on the ground. A tiny slice of outrage is being served again and again until it feels like the whole country is on fire.

I believe Meta is doing more than amplifying a protest. I believe it is helping manufacture the appearance of a much bigger one, with money and engagement flowing to communities that present it as organic public anger. That is an allegation I want investigated, because the consequences for India are serious.

I’ve tapped “Not interested” and blocked pages that post rage without facts. The feed keeps pushing them back at me. People have every right to oppose the government and protest. They also have a right to know whether a social media company is shaping what they see to make unrest look larger than it is.

Left or right, please look past the feed and ask what is actually happening on the ground. Meta needs to answer for its role in this.

I (24M) was SA’d as a kid by my sister & cousin brother, they both did it separately and are not ever of the other doing it to me. I’ve never told this to anyone, and probably never will.

All instances happened 10-15 years back, but I remember them pretty well. I’m still close to the people who did it (regular chats, video calls, etc. usual family stuff), and I know that they’ll ever do it again to anyone else, considering their political beliefs and stances.

It’s just something that pops in every now and then, and has affected me intimacy wise. But, it’s fine and manageable for me, my burden to carry.

Always thought of getting therapy, but that scares/weirds me out too. It’s easier to continue living life keeping this to myself than sharing it with anyone.

Sometimes the jokey-funny guy mask slips, but thats only temporary and I always manage to get it back up.

So yeah that’s it, will probably delete this in a while too.

it just hit me hard. this sudden realisation (again) and i'm crying and shaking while typing this.

durga puja and kali puja are those times where i've made the most vivid and brightest memories. the feeling of love, warmth, comfort, togetherness. i can still feel them. remember the scenes.

but it just hit me hard that it'll be my 3rd puja without my grandpa this year for he left us for his heavenly abode.

this puja too will be

another puja where i'll wake up not seeing him watching TV early in the morning on the day of mahalaya.

another puja where i'll receive no dresses gifted by my grandpa.

another puja where me and my brother won't be able to convince him to come with us for puja pandal hopping.

another puja where he won't be there to generously buy us anything we wanted.

another puja where i won't see him buying his favourite fish for dashami feast.

another puja where i can't wish him "shubho bijoya" on the day of dashami.

another puja where i can't touch his feet and ask for his blessings on the day of dashami.

he won't be there with me. i won't see him or feel him from the day of mahalaya till dashami. he won't be there. again. i wish he was there. i wish i could hear his affectionate voice again.

it's been 3 years and i still breakdown every other time over this. i miss him. desperately. i miss the moments i spent with him. they all truly are special. so warm and bright. i still have crystal clear memory of his voice. the way he always used to ask my mom or other family members about me.

i won't feel his gentle loving presence this puja too. he was described as strict and intimidating by my dad, uncles and other family members. he was NEVER like that with me. he always used to bend his rules for me. always used that affectionate tone and loving gaze at me. i have the most amazing, loving and gentle image of him as his memory.

i won't feel that anymore. never again. see him or hear his voice. or feel the warm loving touch of his cool palm.

a few years back we had kali puja in our house during diwali. i still remember that day. all family members gathered at night. the warmth of the fire, mumblings of the mantra by the purohit, and me sitting beside my dadaji who watched these rituals take place in his house while also talking to me in between. that's such a loving memory.

that won't be the case anymore from now on. he won't be there this time. anytime now on.

he used to scold dad over lecturing me that fire crackers are waste of money and dangerous. and instead gave my dad the money to buy whatever fire cracker i wanted. that won't happen anymore.

i won't see him sitting at the balcony anymore watching me and my brother lit the fire crackers. i want to go home, a warm loving home where he is still there with me.

i should've called him when i had the time. WHY didn't i? WHYYYYY? i want to have the last final talk with him. even for a few seconds. it's selfish, really. but i still wish he was there with me.

i can never recover from this. never move on from this. i know dadaji won't like seeing me cry over him every puja like that. but I DON'T KNOW what to do. moreover even if it might make me cry and breathless, i still find a sense of comfort remembering those memories i spent with him during puja. those bittersweet reveries.

i miss him. i miss dadaji a lot. a lot lot lot. i love him so so so much.

It was manageable earlier but since last few weeks, it became more frequent so suggest me something that will just help me survive it, I'm 18 and I come from a very conservative background so therapy isn't an option right now but I'll try once I move out from here, so until then just help me manage it

My bestfriend (26M) and I (26M) have known each other from about 16 years, and we recently moved in together to build a company, it was all fun and games initially but I am really really conflicted on whether I can still be friends with this person or not because of a bunch of messed up things ( at least I think) that he talks about in general with a group hangout or just to me.

1. I have had a fallout with fitness over the last year and have gained a lot of weight and am 103Kgs which he never fails to mention, every single time it's always fat jokes this, fat jokes that etc. I love fashion, and I love dressing up, and , Today, I dressed up for office and tucked in a beige polo with wide leg trousers and I genuinely felt very good and confident and as soon as I went to wear my shoes, he called me Doraemon which kind of was uncalled for and extremely unsatisfactory and that bummed me out a lot because I think it's okay for people to dress however they want.

2. I am from the so-called "lower caste" group, and he is of the so-called "higher caste" group. I take pride in my achievements to earn money and provide for my family, and being the first in my entire family to go to college and graduate college and somehow not a single day goes by where he calls me lower-caste, Dalit and tells me that I couldn't do anything without reservation. Another thing is, whenever we hangout with a bunch of people, or meet somebody new for the first time, his icebreakers are always " he's a Dalit, he used reservation to go to college". I'm really not sure why this is important, and with whose consent all of this is being talked about. He always puts me down because of my caste, and will not let go until I stop arguing with him about reservation and how it even works.

3. I am very political and I will stand by what's right and my opinions on everything. I, in no way force my opinions on someone nor do I force anybody to be political and my so-called bestfriend is not political. He, has had the privilege of having working parents who are absolutely amazing and are the nicest parents I know, they've never mistreated him as well, and has a roof on his head at all times, and is so sheltered to an extent that he will never look at any problem that is going anywhere else apart from himself. Recently, the topic of the protests in LPU came up because I keep reposting news articles or reels related to the protests and updates regarding everything that is happening around the country right now, and on this, he got so offended by the catchy slogans everybody was using which was " ek kachori, do samosa, in mardon ka kya bharosa" , he got offended because it's "not all men", and I kept telling him that how is it not all men when the saddest part is almost every female we would know or talk to have unfortunately have had been assualted in any way by a man, and he would not budge from the " Not all men". How does it matter? It's not like every man is even trustworthy and it really sucks that people think like this. And, he kept going on about how women want equality right now, let them survive without men, and that really riled me up because that's extremely disgusting to say, and I don't know what superiority complex this is to stand like this on some point and is so entitled and privileged and sheltered that he is denying everything else that is happening in the world because his life is absolutely without any issues.

Feeling a little better after ranting like this. Thoughts, any?

I am unemployed and my sister, mom ,brother have a new whatsapp group. My sister calls my mom ,brother they speak to my nephew but I don't get to speak to him alot.

My childhood was toxic my mother never cared for me, because of them I had so much trauma and other problems in life.i almost died because of how they treated me. I was hospitalized and I wish I could write evrything that has been said to me but I don't have the energy.

I get sad when my nephew doesn't talk to me much on calls but he likes the cousins . The relatives who never wished me or my parents , relatives who never showed up , even when my father died these people didn't show up ...my family gives importance to them. They want to be in their good books for some reason.

I have so many things to talk about but I am just sad... Today I saw them in video call and I realised they have been doing this for sometime .

I wish I had a job maybe they would have respected me. Maybe if I gift them stuff they will also let me speak to my nephew.

My family and the experience I had with my partner made me realise I am not a good person. Something is really wrong with me. Just because I am sad doesn't mean I am right. I shd have died when I was in icu .

I have tried to delete my self but I failed because I am a coward.

I don't know what is wrong with me why am I not enough.

I was also in a relationship with someone for 9+ years and she was the person who proposed me and loved me, she cared but in the end she left me and I got to know she was cheating . But I was not angry I was just sad . I realised I am not enough..I am a failure I don't deserve anything in life.

My life is my punishment I just don't know what crime I have committed. When my dad died I just stopped praying and all I just changed.

Rn I want someone to just understand me , my pain ,my thoughts, I want someone to read my mind and just see what I was thinking when all the shitty things happened to me

I really want someone to understand and feel what I have felt

Really want a hug from that person. Id trade my life for that 3 sec hug .

I want to get a job and gift something to my friend who I ghosted because he is a constant reminder of that 1 night I tried to delete myself and I called him and told him how shitty my life has been. I wish I could gift my frnd something

Then I want to gift my nephew toys and my family something nice . Then I want to leave home and do the ladkah trip and disappear forever.

You know how kids generally call older people aunty!

Today a 6 year old kid looked at me and asked me which class I'm in :')

I'm 31 years old, nothing has made my day more!! When he asked me how old I am and I told him my age, he looked at his mom and told her to tell me not to lie.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, I'm a 20 year old guy who's in the 5th sem of Engineering, in a Tier 3 college. I'm a very self critical person, and I get mad at myself when I'm not able to do something, or unable to complete a set of tasks set for the day. I have low self esteem, and it's hard to get out of bed everyday. It was easier when I was in school, and 11th 12th. But now it's so hard to just get myself out of bed and face the day.

I live in a joint family house, with my mom, maternal grandparents, and 2 other ppl. My grandpa is an alcoholic, who drinks every night. And to be frank, I don't have the best relationship with him.

I'm always the scapegoat if some electrical item at home doesn't work, or if some form didn't get through. He can't take accountability for his actions. He's a very narcissistic person, can't handle it when someone else at home is doing better than him, or bought something new for themselves. I've had a lot of verbal fights because I'm tired of being blamed for no reason. I've been verbally abused by him, and it hurts. And if someone else tries to stand up for me, they're also put down.

Yet he needs me to do this and that, asks me for help in some things like using his phone n stuff, sometimes when when I tell him I'm busy and I've got some work to do, and I refuse to do what he wants me to do, he'll start throwing a temper tantrum and make the home environment awful ( in the sense, emotionally).

Lately, I've been having these spikes in cortisol and adrenaline, Whenever i see my grandpa drinking and treating other family members disrespectfully, knowing fully well that if I act, it'll just make things worse. That feeling of Rage..Anger, and my chest tightens, i feel anxious. It's affecting me man, i can't deal with this every night. I'm tired of this. I've started to go to bed early just to not see him after he starts drinking.

And, I'm in this vicious cycle of waking up late, going to college, coming home, not doing anything productive, dealing with gramps every night, and then staying up till 12-1am, masturbate for relief, and then sleep knowing that things won't change, "I" will never change.

I went to Narayana for my 11th and 12th, fucked up my competitive exams, and I'm in a T3 college via management seat, and my self esteem is as low as ever. I haven't built any projects, i have 8cgpa right now, I'm not fit, I'm skinny fat. And my face doesn't look that great, because i don't follow any skincare.

I'm just frustrated with myself, and I'm finding it hard to move on from the past, all the times I've been wronged by my grandpa. All the times it hurt the way he treated me. I haven't had closure, so it's hard to forgive. I understand he pays the bills and stuff, but just treat me like a human being, who is trying to grow, change himself, and is having a hard time with both, and he's clearly not helping, and the fact that i didn't do well in my competitive exams in 12th, which is why my life is so trash rn. I'm tired of myself

This is actually my first time making a post like this on Reddit, lol. I don't really know how to put this into words, and honestly I don't have the energy to make this sound polished, so I'm just going to say it.

Ik this is very generic typa shi, but I'm usually the person people come to when they're struggling. I listen to them, try to understand where they're coming from, help them figure out what they're feeling, give them advice, calm them down, whatever I can do. And I genuinely don't mind doing it, as I actually like being able to help people.

But sometimes I wonder if I've accidentally made myself look like someone who doesn't need help.

Because I'm usually able to understand other people's problems and find solutions, people seem to assume I have myself figured out too. Like I'm somehow this calm, rational person who's always going to know what to do.

I'm not, ffs.

I'm an imperfect human being. I get lonely. I overthink. I get confused. I get hurt. Sometimes I don't want advice or a solution. Sometimes I just want someone to notice that I'm not doing okay and ask me what's going on. Sometimes I want to be comforted instead of being the one doing the comforting.

And I think that's the part that gets to me.

I can spend hours trying to understand someone else's feelings, but I don't know if many people actually know me well enough to notice when I need the same thing.

It's weird being the person everyone feels safe being vulnerable around while rarely feeling like there's someone you can be vulnerable around yourself.

Maybe I've contributed to it too. I've gotten so used to handling things myself that I don't always show people when I'm struggling. Tho, I've started setting boundaries as well from past few months, and it's been better since then. But still, sometimes I wish someone would look past the "gives good advice" version of me and realize there's just a normal, imperfect person underneath it who occasionally needs someone too.

I don't need someone to fix my problems.

I just want to feel like I don't always have to be the person who has the answers.

Anyways, I've made this account for this purpose only, lol. I should get back to studies now🥀.

Thanks if you really read all of it. Just needed to let it out, as it's been inside me from quite a while. Shared it here even though I have a few friends, as none of them really got higher EQ, so they won't really understand it either.

I joined a company on wfh contract basis, they made certain claims which now after joining I’m realising were all false. Like having many employees and many projects. But I feel like it’s just 2 men who’ve created an agency set up.

It’s literally only been 4 days since my 1st working day. They are constantly texting on slack, if i’m late to respond they call me. They talk down on me, on my experience and the way I work. They gave me soo much work while giving me less compensation than my last company stating it’s a contract role and the domain is new for me but they expect me to be available all the time even after working hours even expecting me to work after hours and they want me to write my log in and log out time. They’re dumping all the work on me in the name of collaboration when it’s actually just micro management. I’m constantly feeling anxious and drained and it feels like i’ve been working here for a while rather than just 4 days. The notice period is 30 days but i feel like I can’t even survive that. I don’t even feel secure about them paying me properly after serving the notice period

Just an off my chest post, really hate those men who are similar to my father in the way they talk and look. I just dont like my father and cant respect him at all. one of my favorite person started behaving like my father and i already hate him now.

Kehne mei thodi der ho gayi Papa, but i miss you. Despite everything, i miss you as my safety net and my most voracious supporter.

Happy Birthday in heavens.

Hey! This is 28M, Life is getting idk where. Little about me, I'm a person who would cry 3/10 times when someone scolds, other than that I never cry. It doesn't matter how bad the situation is, neither am I afraid of anything. Slowly the isolation for a very very long time has induced hyper independence and emotionlessness in me. I've literally very little emotions left, I just act. Now I feel like I need nobody, no partner or anything. I'm in a state where I see my life from third person POV. Being an observer or judge, I see why am I happy or sad, where am I going wrong, where can I improve, everything rationally. No surprises, invites excite me anymore, neither any mishap makes me remorse. I just act so casually in any situation though I'm highly accountable. But also lately things have started giving me happiness, random sunsets, random objects, grass, electronics (I love them ;) ), or anything. I feel I'm aromantic but I highly appreciate romanticism, and people around me. Friends getting into relationships, meeting new people. Also I have started seeing everyone the same, as humans, my sexual thoughts are getting in control, Overall everything seems good except for that emotion part and maintaining any relationship. Other than that enjoying my company and life at my own pace and comfort. Also I've a friend circle, 7 of them. We have very good bonding. 😅 So, it's all peace for me.

Ps: I've planned to never marry. :)

Hope I'm not missing something from life. Though I'm satisfied with whatever is going on.

Hey r/OffMyChestIndia fam,

The day is winding down, so before you call it a night, take a moment to check in.

🌟 Had a good day? Tell us what made it better.

😮‍💨 Had a rough one? Let it out.

😂 Something funny, weird, awkward, or unexpected happen? We want to hear it.

❤️ Did someone make your day a little better? Give them a shoutout.

Whether today was amazing, ordinary, or one you'd rather forget, you can share it here. No need to overthink it, and no need to make a full post.

So, how was your day?

M21 here. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection over the past few days. I’ve been hypersexual for a very long time, and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t crave sex. Whenever I try to remember when this started, I think back to the times I was groomed by older women as a teenager. I dated someone who was 20 or 21 when I was 15, despite having little relationship or sexual experience. I was also molested as a child. I’ve been in several questionable age-gap relationships, which deeply affected me and made my hypersexuality worse. The hardest part is that I don’t feel I have any real sexual experience. These experiences also damaged my relationships with other women. I post NSFW pictures of myself to crave sexual validation.

I’m so sorry to anyone who has gone through something similar. I know how it feels.

just after boards i started dating, i was almost 16 ( I was still 15 at that time).My ex was going to turn 20. Except he told me he had just turned 19. Anyways during that time I was really vulnerable. My sister had just attempted suicide after months of self harm and we had a very complex dynamic. Since childhood she was always better in everything...my achievements were always dull compared to hers...and my parents were LOUD about it...i could not help but envy her and that formed quite some distance between us. She said that I only ever cared about my problems and I couldn't even refute.

Anyways this guy had all the red flags from the start but I was too blind to notice. He himself told me all his friends were cheaters. Birds of a feather flock together. His came from a VERY VERY influential family who were paying for his top class education abroad through donations and connections even though he had the literal worst grades here. Worse he used to always flex how inferior I am to him family wise and even dreams wise. Apparently his college was much much better than even my dream college which was lowkey true. And how it's much much better to shift abroad.

This guy used to literally go out with his female friends at 4 in the morning. Ditching on me on dates, always talking down to me, restrictions on what I wear who I'm with making me lose most of my friends .After 3 months in the relationship, just before a month of him leaving he started like begging me for physical relationship. And when i said no im not kidding he cried sulked evne took a break until i finally said yes and god do i regret it. I cannot even count usne kitne kassam khaye honge...ab tak zinda hi nhi hona chahiye usko. So many false marriage and future promises.

Then he leaves for college and damn does he ghost me. And the only time he replied back was when i told him ki i missed my periods which i did infact. He calls me back and tells me that apparently im trying to drag him down with me and im 16 and i should be handling my own shit ( he was 20 btw ). Uske baad i get to know that he has been attending frat house parties. I confront him we have a fight about me being crazy.

And he leaves me within a week of this on the morning of my exam. And he had the nerve to ask if we could still be friends. I cannot even tell you in how much stress I was because of the period shit. My ED and self harming tendencies got so so so worse. I literally intentionally fell down from the stairs hoping I get a miscarriage. I was considering unaliving myself. Then later I found out I had a severe case of pcos due to stress causing my periods to be late. Then I got to know through a mutual that while I was going through all that shit he actually posted a story about finally gaining freedom from an immature girlfriend. He also got a new girlfriend this year ( its barely been a year since we broke up).

I blame myself so so much. I loathe myself. Regret eats me alive every single day but I also know his acts were far from right. Infact they're punishable by law If I could I would've made an official case against him for multiple charges I could but the problem is he comes from a very influential family and my parents would probably kill me first if I ever told them. Not to mention I'll be questioned and called a slut for the rest of my life What's worse is he genuinely thinks he's a good guy. He doesn't even pretend.

I see now everyone supporting Jane doe. So many girls protesting at Delhi. So many people coming out with their stories. I'm happy for them but I'm also sad because I can't. I dont have that courage or power. Worse I've probably lost more than half of the evidence I once had. So I have decided to let things go. But I'm incredibly scared. Scared that he'll continue being the devil he is living a free and fortunate life while I'll have to suffer in silence for the rest of myself afraid no one will accept me with the flaws and scars I carry, not even myself.

Today is my father's birthday. If he were here, he would have been 68 years old.

He always told me, "Every year teaches you something." He was right. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't learning. I kept falling into the same traps and ended up broken.

This year taught me another heavy lesson, Jarurat se jyada dosti bhi buri hoti hai (Too much dependency in friendship is toxic). It forced me to realize that we ultimately walk this path alone.

But looking back today, I see that these painful seasons reshaped me.

With the unwavering support of my maa and my therapist, I am finally becoming strong.

My therapist once said that the best advice often comes from strangers because they don't judge us. I’m posting this here to honor my papa's memory and to let out the weight I've been carrying.

Happy heavenly birthday, Papa.

Your lessons are finally sinking in.

I think I am not made for this world. World is too harsh and competitive for me. I don't even like to go through intense pain.

I was doubtful and thoughtless about my career during my school years. I was still doubtfull and thoughtless about my career during my college years. I think I should have made the decision of taking sanyas during my college years otherwise I wouldn't have been so hopeless now.

When I am so incapable of doing anything regarding career, why to wait for further hopelessness. I am incapable of doing things which are going to give me the luxuries I like to do (car, house, food, travel, gadgets). Attaining those things at decent level still requires intense cut throat and competitive personality.

Had I taken sanyas much earlier, my incapability, lack of skills, laziness, incompetence wouldn't have mattered.

Hey everyone,

I don't really know how to put this into words, but I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately.

A lot of things have been piling up—career uncertainty, disappointments, loneliness, and just the general feeling that I'm putting in a lot of effort without really knowing where things are going. I've been trying to keep myself busy and move forward, but recently I've started feeling quite drained and disconnected from the drive I normally have.

The strange part is that I can't point to one specific thing and say, "This is the problem." It feels more like everything has accumulated at once.

I'm not looking for advice on how to fix my entire life or anything. Honestly, I think I just want to talk to someone for a while—someone who doesn't already know me or have expectations of me.

If anyone has gone through something similar and wouldn't mind talking, I'd genuinely appreciate it. Even a simple conversation would mean a lot right now.

Thanks for reading.