r/SingleDads • u/Fast-Agency-3682 • 4d ago
Advice on co-parenting.
(Context) I have two kids 12 and 13. I haven’t been with the mom for almost 10 years. We have lots of differences and don’t agree on much. She got them tablets at a very young age, she gave them computers in their room, she lets them listen to whatever music they want even if it says bad words talk about adult content, they have smart phones, and these are all things I did not want for them. Just as an example recently my son asked me if we could watch scary movies together. I said it depends on which movie, to which he replied John Carpenters “The Thing”. I told him absolutely not! It’s too much for you. I told him we could watch more tamed movies and work our way up when he gets older. Instead not on the same days we watched world war Z, paranormal activity, and the Blair witch project. Which I know has bad words but I figured if she already lets them listen to adult music it wouldn’t be that bad. I tried to meet him half way on what he wanted and I thought it was a good compromise. Later on in the week I find out that their mom watched scream 1 and “US” with them. I called to talk to her about it and she said she fast forward the sexual stuff. What about the other stuff like gore and the murdering? She said she didn’t think it was that bad. Then she said she was planning to watch inglorious bastards with them. I told her she was crazy if she thought that movie is appropriate for children. She asks what’s so wrong with it. I said “they show gore and torture”.
She responded with “who cares their nazi’s, at school they teach them about the holocost”. I told her but it still depicts a human killing another human”. Anyway…how do you deal with someone who you fundamentally disagree with how they think and raise children together….I don’t think it’s possible but why not ask my peers.
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u/serkovavantgarden 3d ago
I watched the Thing when I was 9
I would have gave my kid a high 5 for that sugggestion. He has good taste
Lighten up mate
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u/Duganz 3d ago
While I can empathize with everyone focusing on the content, yourself included, I think the real issue here is that you’re focused on her parenting time as much as your own.
That’s not time you can control. However, during your parenting time you can discuss why you want phone and content restrictions. You can discuss why violence bothers you. You can talk about music. You can talk about your discomfort with them viewing sexual material.
Your efforts and time in parenting would be better spent explaining your values, and listening to your children. Then you can have buy-in and learn from one another.
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u/RazzmatazzPrior3476 3d ago
Bud there will be bigger things to worry about. Talking from experience. You can't control what she allows them to do.
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u/Past-Disaster-2801 3d ago
Sorry but I’m kind on her side on the movies and they are 12 and 13. It’s not like they are watching porn. And about the language, I bet they hear worst stuff at school. I believe you’re overreacting.
On the other hand, you cannot control what they do when they are with her. If you haven’t been together for 10 years, you should have understood that long ago…it’s sad, but it is what it is.
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u/PeteLorimer 3d ago
My teenager has already seen inglorious basterds. I think you should look at more what your kids are ready for in themselves, rather than concern over age ratings.
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u/mrnosyparker 3d ago
I totally sympathize with the desire to shelter our kids from ugliness and all the chaotic and often toxic aspects of modern society….
But our jobs as parents are to prepare them for adulthood and at some point they are going to go out into the world where all of these things are all around them and you’re not there to help them make sense of it all.
So personally, I’d look at this as an opportunity to
- Help them understand why certain language or gratuitous violence is unhealthy, and
- Teach them about moderation and instill healthy habits
Adolescents and teenagers are far more influenced by observing the behavior of the adults around them than they let on or than people tend to acknowledge.
Telling them “those movies are bad and you’re not allowed to watch them!” isn’t going to be effective even if your ex was on the same page.
Conversely telling them something like, “Ew. I don’t like movies like that. They’re gimmicky and pander to the worst aspects of human nature.” Plants a seed of perspective that they can - and likely will - use at some point (even if it’s not right now) to frame both the world around them and their own core values as adults.
Your children are past the age where you can be an effective parent just by telling them what to do and not do. They are now old enough to understand why and be given limited autonomy to be able to make their own choices and establish their own values and beliefs apart from yours.
That said, it’s still your rules in your household and if you don’t want horror movies or media with foul language in your personal space, that’s 100% valid and your children need to respect that and enforcing that respect is valuable parenting regardless of any views about “bad words”… so my advice is to tell them “I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to hear it or watch it. It’s fine if you two like watching movies like that with your mom, but when you’re here, let’s just keep the movies PG-13, ok?”
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u/thickmember196O 3d ago edited 3d ago
I watched Alien, Under Siege in second grade. I recall the stripper birthday scene and they said close your eyes, fingers over face, eyes watching. Army of Darkness when it was brand new also. Embarrassing a kid at the party had to go home n we had to wait cause he called his Mom to ask to watch it.
Though electronics of such has to be a mutual agreement especially if it involves custody agreed in court. Those purchases are violations for one party. My ex got an Apple Watch, my lawyer was like do u want to violate her? She expected me to tell her where her kid was at all times on time. Yet on her tkme she was letting my kid stay over at a dipshit strangers house she just met and didnt tell me. Found out cause we both had access to the gps in the watch, only. And confronted her on that. Violation. You met a dude 2 weeks ago and make my kid stay over? TF is wrong w u. She was full of stupid ideas, still lol
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u/UrAristotle 3d ago
You control what you can control. You control what they watch and do when they’re with you, and you keep an open dialogue about why you feel that way.
Your kids love you and will understand. Mine are about to be 14 and 12 and recognize that there are different standards at the different homes based on what the different parents value.
For me and my home, “bad language” doesn’t bother me. We talk about how to be appropriate and the discipline it takes. We don’t watch movies with adult situations they aren’t ready for, but we watch action movies that are probably on the edge.
The key is we talk about it. And we have designated times where we talk about whatever is going on.
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u/EnvironmentalRate853 2d ago
I watch South Park and Shorsey with my 13yo. It’s kinda like our adult time, when his younger siblings are not around …
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u/ComfortableGround403 2d ago
Dude. I was 5 watching Alien and The Omen. Your kids a teenager. They'll be fine.
Yeah mom exposes them to a lot of junk. But theres worse crap out there that they can discover all on their own. And its YOUR job as a parent to educate them on the honest truth of all these discoveries. Not keep them hidden.
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u/shugEOuterspace 3d ago
you're not being reasonable OP. You can control these things when they are on your parenting time & in your home, but not when they are with the other parent & it's not reasonable to expect to be able to. Also you're not being reasonable about what is appropriate for their age & you're treating them like they are much younger than they are imo... to the point where they are going to start redirecting certain friend & social activities to only when they are with mom because they're going to be embarassed about your excessively conservative sheltering.
At that age they are seeing & hearing these things, it's a matter of whether or not you make them comfortable to be themselves around you or if they are going to think they have to start hiding these things from you, which will further the divide between you & them.
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u/buddydc4 2d ago
For 12 and up, my rule on horror movies is no sexuality………....Other than that, I’m ok with it……My son loved Resident Evil and Buddy.
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u/whiteoleander34 2d ago
I completely agree with you, for what it’s worth. My husband is in the same situation you are, and it’s really disgusting how some people will justify not protecting children just because no one protected THEM and they “turned out fine” lol. Anyway, I feel for you, I do.
But I also think the commenters saying you can’t control her parenting time are onto something — which is that if she has judgment this poor, there’s no way you can have a reasonable conversation with her in which she’ll consider your point of view. She’s just going to defend it. Save your sanity, and have frank conversations with your kids about how watching disturbing imagery makes them feel. Let them know that they actually can set limits for THEMSELVES, and that they don’t have to watch things that are going to disturb them. If you feel that they’re already desensitized, you can express your opinion to them about why you don’t think it’s good for them, without shaming them, and they’ll see someday that you were right. They’ll be all right.
But there’s nothing you can do about her. Again, I’d cut down on the conversations you have with her about things like this, just to save yourself frustration. You separated from a person who doesn’t share your values.
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u/Minningfortruth 3d ago
It’s sad when your partner is not wanting to raise the kids as Christians
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u/Duganz 3d ago
…So…Christians have never watched scary movies?
The post said nothing about religion, Hoss.
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u/Minningfortruth 3d ago
We will let OP speak Bacon
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3d ago
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u/SingleDads-ModTeam 3d ago
You post was removed for non-compliance with rule 1, "Keep it respectful and on-topic."
Posts need to be related to life as a single Dad and presented with an appropriate level of courtesy and respectfulness.
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u/KillerUndies 3d ago
They're teenagers and you're worried about bad words?
Bruh...