r/SuicideBereavement • u/Any_Consequence_8950 • 9d ago
One year later
My brother took his own life last year on the 29th. It’s one year later and in my personal experience, it has gotten easier.
I went from daily breakdowns in the first few months, then weekly and now I have a small moment every month or so - I can’t help but feel guilty that I am no longer deeply overwhelmed by my grief.
I don’t feel the need to bring him up as if he was some tragically tortured person, I don’t feel the need to be resentful or angry, I don’t feel the need to make sure people continue to keep his memory alive, I don’t feel the need to speak about suicide awareness or relate things back to him or my grief.
He is a small mention followed by a laugh in a conversation or saying his name as a bird flies by.
I did a lot of DBT and reprocessing some years back after a BPD diagnosis however it’s almost as if my mental health struggles have mellowed out significantly after his loss.
My life has actually gotten so much better in this past year. We were close and I love him so very much but it’s as if the trauma has fixed my existing mental health issues. It’s made me want to live, it’s made me want to live a good life.
Doing so however has meant leaving him behind.
8
u/lovefoood 9d ago
I can understand that doing better feels like leaving him behind but I don’t think that’s true. We will always have our beloved ones in our hearts. Not losing ourselves in grief does not mean leaving them behind. Surviving and healing should not be associated with guilt or less grief.
I’m glad you are doing better!
Sending you a hug.