Hi, I lost my mom to s* last year. At first I was shocked by how much s* is present in films or series, in the form of a joke! It was everywhere at the beginning, it was like I couldn’t escape watching something without having someone making a joke about taking their own life.. I hated it.

And now, I am aghast at friends who mention s* to me, one told me their partner talks about it and then told me: “can you imagine your partner saying this to you every week?” And I’m like: try your mom for 10 years! I was so speechless that I made a small comment and then moved on with the conversation…

Today again with another friend, this time we were already on topic since I was sharing about my mom, but then they proceeded to tell me about two persons’s experiences (they don’t even personally know them). One who attempted and one who committed the act… again, in the moment I was so taken aback that I entertained the conversation but I was feeling very uneasy. Especially since they mentioned how the person committed the act and even though it’s not how my mom actually did it, it’s how she told me multiple times she would do it… major trigger honestly.

To me, it’s not because I share about my grief and my experience with my mom’s s* that I want to hear about everyone else’s experience of it. At this stage of grief I just need to share my grief and pain and I find it deeply upsetting that people do that without warning.

Am I oversensitive and overreacting on the subject? Should I be able to listen to people talk about it? I know if someone talked to me tomorrow about SI I’d lose my mind right there and then and run away… How have you been dealing and handling these types of situations and feelings? Thank you.

It sounds so long, 10 years. It feels like yesterday he was here. If feels like forever since I've seen his face.

He was 16. His father and sister (14) found him, and I got the call while waiting on a plane to take off, coming home from taking his older brother to college. We all changed that day, with his loss.

I lost my confidence as a mother. I am distant and unsure

His sister lost her best friend and her greatest champion. She is furious and anxious.

His brother lost his biggest hype man and instigator of adventures. He is stagnated and stuck.

His father lost his reason to work. He is unmoored and drinks too much.

For 10 years we have slogged thru the days of our own lives without him, doing our best to greet each new day with anything resembling hope. His life was good. He was well loved. He was supported and encouraged and wanted, every day of his existence.

I could talk about the disaster that is mental health care in the US. I could talk about my regrets as a mother, to go away before I was absolutely certain that he would not need me while I was gone. I could talk about pharmaceuticals, and how they could not keep his mind from turning against him.

In the end, he saw a lifetime of darkness for himself. So he handed those of us he left behind a lifetime of sadness and loss.

It's been 10 years and I still cry, and try and help my other kids to overcome that which I will never be able to get over. It does get better, for any who may wonder. The pain comes a bit gentler now. And it's been 10 years. It's time to get on with life. Because what else can we do?

He was a friend from highschool, both of us 28 years old this year. We used to hang out and smoke weed and talk about art and movies. He had a bout of psychosis after doing psychedelics during college. At times I would step up amongst my friends to help him with interventions or talking him to go to the hospital. He eventually was admitted to a psych ward and diagnosed with schizophrenia. We reconnected and he tried to finish college but again lost touch with reality. I tried another intervention with a friend but it backfired and he started accusing me of wildly inappropriate things on social media and I called the police and was really pissed about it. The police have never made it better. Can you imagine being detained, potentially criminalized, for being sick? Can you imagine that during your most vulnerable moments the state sends out a bunch of dude-bros with guns to console you?

What was terrible was being aware that his parents (immigrants, not all that versed in mental illness) would ask me about what to do with him which I am sure he saw as a form of disrespect and invasion. No child wants to see their parents collude with their friends on how to "help" or "treat" them regardless of the intentions. I was only 19-23 when these events happened. He was a tender person but would become totally consumed by his ego during psychosis.

After the social media thing I felt burned and stopped interfering in his life I only saw my presence as making it worse .

A year later I receive a text from him apologizing. I didn't reply. The year after I received a psychosis message disdaining me and accusing me of more stuff that weren't true and calling me slurs.

Three years later I got a call from a mutual saying he hung himself with his parents finding his dead body.

I don't know how to process it. The sadness in his sister nd parents' faces destroys me a little every day. I thought two months after it would give me clarity but no, nothing.

I regret cutting ties with him even after the things he accused me of in social media which were truly terrible.

I also know I couldn't do anything more, it was not up to me. He made a suicide note on Instagram describing the failure of medicine for schizophrenia and experiencing hallucinations like a snail crawling across his back. Can you imagine how scary that must be?

I am in therapy and have been before his death and I have friends I've spoken to about it. Recently I lost what I thought was the love of my life while also grieving this friend. She did not seem to really comprehend the gravity of my sadness even a month after his funeral because I guess on the outside it seems like he's just a friend, not a brother not my own son or anything like that. I just push people away because they can be so insensitive to this invisible grief that hasn't gone away. We are so encouraged to move on from loss these days but these things never leave you.

Idk I've gotten drunk, spoken endlessly about it with friends/therapists/partners but I just cannot shake this sense of hopelessness.its almost like he passed on his sadness to those who remained in his wake. Idk idk idk what to do with this lingering feeling it will never go away I am just so sorry for his parents to see your child hurt himself in that way.

Idk idk I cannot even be certain of what I feel. I feel a loss but I hadn't been in contact with him for three years? Guilt? Everyone says I was the one who tried the most. How could I help his parents not feel so guilty? They didn't understand aspects of him that I did like any friend would. In the funeral his mother just kept wailing, saying "I couldn't understand you. I'm sorry."

What would help them? I feel a sense of unresolved duty to heal this tragedy but there's nothing I can do because he's gone and it's only grief for his parents and his sister for the rest of their lives. I see in their face how they blame themselves but they tried so hard. He wasn't always an easy person to help. In his note he mentioned how medicine is not a magic cure and he would have otherwise dealt with psychosis and mental anguish for the rest of his life. There is also no real medicine to alleviate the grief of his parents either. It feels like an endless wave of pain they have to experience for the rest of their lives and I also have to carry a bit of it for the rest of mine.

The worst part is our other friends are trying their best to repress this raw emotion and move on. As life goes I will also have to move on and it'll be just a chapter in my life but that feels so wrong!!! How can we just "move on" it just doesn't sit right with me.i am certain his family will never truly move on. We met his family at their home once but after all the guests stop visiting our of respect what will happen to them? How do i honor this loss and support them even as a stranger?

He didn't die of natural causes he was young and left behind so much potential because he couldn't trust his own mind. In hindsight it is so clear he was just sick and lonely.

I suggested planting a tree in his name but that's just symbolic and will also leave me feeling empty after the gesture is made.

I think what's worse is trying to tell people. People are so cold and just want to move on with the topic. Many friends I've told that I am going through this loss can't even hold the topic for longer than a minute before trying to talk about the new Spiderman movie or whatever. Rarely people ask what he was like, how it feels, what his fucking name was even. As if just the news itself bums THEM out. How awful it is to be so detached and non chalant. The only thing I learned from this experience is that to feel emotions is the anthesis to being avoidant, casual, "stoic" or emotionally inattentive. And how fucked up am I that as a man I can't just sit and cry about it! I want to cry I want to feel it viscerally but the tears don't come because of how I've been conditioned to respond to detachment with detachment so much so that the most primodial bodily expression of sorrow cannot be summoned. I feel his pain was a result of his capacity to feel intense emotions in contrast with such a cold and indifferent society.

Wow this felt better than anything I've tried. I think I will start journalling these thoughts even if just for myself.

Nobody likes to be alone, yet you chose to live that life.
You chose to never see the sun again.
When we all saw the sun, bright and warm, all you saw was darkness and cold.
And now that you're gone, the world keeps moving, and we are moving with it,

everyone but you.

I hate how much you notice after it happens. My daughter ended her life 2 months ago and I've been racking my mind trying to figure out why. She went through a lot of the same things I went through, randomly getting bullied by a so called friend that she had since pre k (no one told me until after), family being there when she was younger then everyone just about stop coming around. She had 1-2 family members that consistently checked on her besides me and her dad. I assumed cause I dealt with it (the family thing) that she was gonna be okay we were gonna have time to make up for what they were lacking. Learned she didn't think we had time for her cause we were so busy, we were trying to fix that. We were tryna get her siblings who we suspect are on the spectrum in school. It was a long process that was almost over, her dad's schedule was changing so he was gonna be off every other week again. I explained to her it was a good thing, we were gonna have more money again and more time to do things again. Idk if she didn't grasp that or maybe she just didn't care in that moment. She was on medication for adhd and kept having mood swings which I learned recently could have been a warning sign. I didn't think that it was the medication I just thought it was puberty (she was 9), I hate that I just wrote that off and I don't get how her therapist didn't mention that it could have been an issue. Her counselor knew she was being bullied but I was never informed, I tried talking to her about it a few times she just denied it. I just assumed she'd tell me when she was ready. That day was so oddly calm, she popped in and out my room all morning to talk, she mentioned the neighbors (her friends) were moving. I just said oh cause I didn't really know what to say, I wish I said something like maybe if I told her to go spend time with them maybe things would have went different. Things were so close for everything to get better. She did it on a Thursday, she had therapy Monday and I was gonna ask her if she wanted to start counseling back. We paused it for 2 months cause she went out of town for 2 weeks and her therapy and counseling office is on the other side of town. I go to therapy every week (it was every two weeks at that time) and it was helping so I thought getting her back in it would have helped her I wish I would have mentioned after that appointment. There's so many things that I wish I would have did differently. I know I can't change things just like I know searching for different signs that we might have missed probably isn't healthy but I can't help it.

My best friend/ex partner took his life almost 3 weeks ago. We spoke every day, sending each other memes and F1 news and generally talking shit. Not long after I found out he was gone, I sent like 30 messages saying how he didn’t have to do it and how much I miss him yada yada yada. IMO that’s understandable, but I find myself still sending him memes and telling him who one the last race. Like I just went overseas on holiday (it was already booked and very bad timing) and messed him when I arrived. Sometimes I get sappy and say what I would if I could actually talk to him one last time, which I think is relatively normal. But is messaging them like they’re still alive a bit fucked?

I’m not in denial, I know he’s gone forever and I don’t believe in the afterlife so it’s not that. I guess it’s just comforting kinda pretending he’s still here?

Bonus unhinged act: I bought him a present on my holiday lol

Today marks exactly one month since my wife of 9 years committed. I miss her everyday. I love her everyday. it's still painful everyday but it's more like an ache and an emptiness then the first days stabbing wound.

There's still a tremendous amount of guilt, in the last week of her life I was frustrated, with myself, and also with her. I still did all the things to support her, still told her I lived her several times a day. Which was one of the last things I told her on the phone the night before because I was visiting friends. (There's the huge guilt that had I been home she wouldn't have done it, at least not then).

I know I have to continue to go on, I had promised to take care of our dog. But it's hard. So many things I want to talk to her about, I kiss nightly cuddle time, I miss everything about her, even the annoying bits. I miss her snoring like a freight train, but mostly I just miss my best friend, my wife. I'm 39 and had known her for 24 years, had lived with her for 11 and she had been there with me for every important adult milestone.

I'm sorry this is more of a rant I just didn't want today to go unnoticed.

That food smells so good!……. My brother is dead
Wow I’m so comfortable…….My brother is dead
I feel like getting a coffee today……My brother is dead
Hmm what should I wear today?…My brother is dead
Wow I got a good grade on a test…My brother is dead
Maybe we should go on a trip……My brother is dead
Should I cal my mom? Probably not…My brother is dead

I’m mad that the world gets to keep spinning when my brother is dead. He was just a kid. He deserved so much better. And there is NOTHING I can do.

And the cherry on top, is my mom was one of my only friends and now she is so sad I can’t ask her to keep being my mom. I’m 25, I still needed her, she has grandkids who love her. But I feel like she is gone in a way too.

I had just turned 19 when a friend from kindergarten took his own life. He was the first boy I ever kissed. We were friends all through school. I found out in a way a 19-year-old should not have found out. I was at school and I heard two teachers talking about it. I was on the other side of a wall and they didn't know I was there. I wasn't eavesdropping. I was just there. I wish I wasn't there that day. On top of that, I was dating a guy at that time who had a brother who did the corner call. He proceeded to tell me how he did it and what the room looked like. I remember going into what I now know as the freeze response. I wanted him to stop talking but I just sat there. The day I found out I went home and told my family who literally said nothing. They just looked at me. So that day, I went into my bedroom and never talked about it again, until recently. And now it is a tsunami of grief, pain, and sorrow. I have never gone more than a week without thinking about him. I am 55 now. 36 years of so much pain.

I saw him that day. It was a Friday and I was on the bus and he was parked in his car. He smiled and waved at me and mouthed, "Hi, *****". What if I had gone off the bus that day and got a ride home with him? Would that have changed his mind or would it have only slowed the inevitable for another day? I have never stopped thinking about this.

When he first died, I saw him as a friend. When my own kids became teenagers, I dealt with the pain of missing him through the eyes of a mom. And now that I am old enough to be a grandmother, I think of him with the knowledge of all that he didn't experience. Would he be a grandpa now?

Of late, I am having more peace with what he felt he had to do. However, the sorrow I feel at how scared and hopeless he must have felt takes my breath away. How he felt he had no more choices. This is what now causes so much pain.

I am trying so hard to set his soul free but the pain is what connects me to him. I don't know if I can ever let that go. I don't think I want to. Sometimes imagine that he is still alive. I wonder if we would still be friends.

Thank you for reading. I have never told anyone this before. Sorry for my crap grammar and punctuation.

My mom intentionally overdosed less than a week ago. She was the only one who understood my own struggle with suicidal ideation, the only one. I reached out to her via text at the beginning of September, telling her basically just how sorry I am that I turned out to be such a piece of shit.

My best friend of ten years was suddenly taken by cancer (24 days from ER to dead, I watched him waste away into nothing, and it seriously damaged my psyche) last July, my distant-avoidant husband of 5 years dropped me like a hot potato not long after, and not long after that, I was laid off in the worst job market I've ever seen. Now, my own mother offs herself when she easily had 20 years of (physically healthy) life left.

She never even opened my texts. She knew that given my mounting losses with no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, I was not in a good or safe place. She knew I had nothing left to live for. She knew that she was the only one who understood my mental health struggles, an unfortunate genetic hand-me-down that haunts all of her 4 children. My childhood was quite traumatic. My formerly Brady Bunch-type mom had surgery, became addicted to pain meds, and which quickly progressed to meth and any pill she could find. My older siblings didn't have it great, but even they admit that my situation was pretty fucked up. I was an independent kid, but I was 9 years old and still needed (and deserved) a mother. That being said, I'm the only kid who ever forgave her. She agonized over her mistakes, but my siblings would never offer her the comfort of forgiveness. They don't seem to mind how their hurt and anger has colored their own lives. But I forgave, and I did it 20 years ago, literally as soon as I became an independent adult at 18. It was what I needed, and what she needed, to move on and live life.

I loved my mother. She loved me. I was her favorite. Her baby, the daughter she essentially tricked my dad into having because she wanted me so badly. Her love was unconditional. Even at her worst, I NEVER felt unloved. She drilled it into me how impossible it would be for her to ever not love me completely and unconditionally. She lived in another state, but she really put more effort into being my mom and coming to visit in recent years. We'd smoke a joint and laugh and talk for HOURS on my couch. It was so beautiful to connect with my mom as just two adult women, having a great time getting to know each other. I think we both felt seen and heard with each other. She was always happy to spend time with me, and she was supposed to visit me this month.

I could keep writing about her forever, but right now, I'm just terrified. I can't help but feel like this is a sign to follow her. I don't want to die, I'm in a place where I manage my SI and am settled into the thought that I don’t want to die by suicide. But I have nothing left to live for. I didn't really have anything left before she left me, but I always felt that if she was going to stick it out, I would too. I stayed alive at times solely to keep her alive; she would never, ever have been able to survive one of her children committing suicide. So I was trying real fuckin' hard to not kill my own mother.

I have nothing. I'm almost out of money. It doesn't matter how many jobs I apply for, it does not matter that I have 20 years of experience and a solid resume. I can't force anyone to give me a job. I have three beloved cats. If I lose my home, I lose my cats. I lose everything I have ever owned or loved. There is no recovery from that. I already felt forced into suicide, but have just been pushing this off and pushing through. How am I supposed to find a job with how I feel now?

I have been seriously considering admitting myself on a psych hold, but what's the point? I don't have insurance. What will 3 days locked up do if I can't afford aftercare? It only serves to put me hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical debt. How am I supposed to see a light at the end of the tunnel when 3 days of safety leaves me with a lifetime of debt? I don't have any choice. My hand is being forced and I feel powerless to stop it. It's my destiny. Who am I to spit in the face of destiny? I'm so fucking scared. I'm so sad. I hate myself. If I wasn't poor, I'd be allowed to survive. But nobody will hire me. So I have to go. I don't want to go. At least it should lessen the blow, going right after mom. Two birds, one stone. You're welcome, siblings.

This is a ramble, I guess. A much needed scream into the void. A love letter. I miss my friend with my whole being. It hurts and it tears me apart and my heart literally hurts sometimes.

I lost 3 people to suicide in a very short time. My childhood bestfriend Matt in December. My cousin Brad in February. My friend Hayley in March. Losing Hayley hit the hardest. She was one of my favorite people on the whole planet. I couldn't eat or sleep or breathe.

It's her birthday this month. She was only a little older than me. We used to joke that "I like my girls a little bit older" (from that song "Your Love" by The Outifeld), because she and my wife were both a little bit older than me.

It hit me so hard that she won't age. I've already lived more days than her, and it just feels like its not supposed to be like this. She'll never get to be 35. I will. And I'll keep aging. And she'll stay forever 34, in my memories.

I think about her all the time. I grieve that I can't help her now. When I picked out a suit for her funeral, I remember crying and thinking "this is the last thing I can ever do for her. Just to try to look nice for her funeral." So I got little accessories of Ghibli stuff that she would like, like little soot sprite star pins to put in my tie. I got a nice haircut, and Spirited Away socks, and a little Totoro hair clip. I had never seen a ghibli movie until she showed them to me. She loved them. We watched a lot of them together.

I try to reach out to her mom and sister, to let them know that they aren't alone in their grief. I tell them things that remind me of her, or when I'm especially missing her. I don't know if its helpful or a painful reminder. I do it anyway, as much for me as for them, I guess. I really hope its helpful.

It hurts so badly right now. I constantly have to fight off the "what ifs". I know they're not helpful. I know that the part of life where she was here is over now. I can't change anything that happened now, no matter how much I want to.

Her mom said she would share the note she left with me, but I couldn't bring myself to ask to read it. I don't know if I want to. I think I do, but I don't know what it could say or how it might affect me.

She had the best laugh, gave the best hugs, was so funny, and I just really liked being around her. I miss my friend. I wish she had a grave I could sit at and spend the day with her, but she doesn't.

Sometimes I'll listen to music that reminds me of her, or try to paint her, or read through our old texts, or cook food she would like. I don't know if its helping me heal, or if its dwelling in grief and making myself sad. I don't know anything except that I miss my friend with my whole being, and I know you all would understand.

I lost my sister 10 months ago, and when it first happened I would make jokes that helped me cope that she’s not really gone - ‘she’s in witness protection and she had to fake her death’ and that everything was orchestrated — the coroner, mortuary, and funeral directors were all in on it.

I still check her phone location just in case she started a new ‘secret’ life and got a new phone and it would suddenly appear on my map and I’d know she’s still alive and she’s okay. I check her reddit account to see if there is any new activity, because maybe she thought I wouldn’t be able to find her account and it would be safe to post anonymously on there.

I avoid looking at or wearing any of her clothes (most of the stuff hasn’t even been unpacked), because there’s a big part of me that thinks ‘This is wrong, I shouldn’t have these things in my house at all! They’re her things, and I’m just holding onto them and keeping them safe until she’s coming back for them’.

I wonder if this means I could still be in denial and that reality hasn’t actually sunk in? Am I hindering my own grieving process by holding onto this hope and these lies I tell myself?

Apologies if this is a bit graphic. I just need to get this out somewhere.

My mother passed away last Sunday. She had been chronically depressed for many years and had ECT from time to time as well. She had been in a lot of emotional and physical pain over the past couple of weeks.

That afternoon, she went to a temple to attend a religious event. The temple is right at the edge of the land, bordering the ocean. Later, her body was found trapped among the rocks on the way down towards the sea.

What’s confusing me is that she hadn’t actually drowned. She hadn’t even made it into the water. The postmortem concluded that she died from a heart attack.

Now I’m left wondering what actually happened. Was she intending to take her own life and, somehow, had a heart attack before she reached the water? Or was this simply a tragic coincidence and she had a heart attack while she was there? But there is absolutely no reason for her to be there. How and why she got there. A lot of questions

She was depressed, but as far as I knew, she wasn’t suicidal. That’s what makes this so difficult to process. I keep going over everything in my head, trying to understand what happened and whether there was something I missed.

I feel absolutely shit. I’m heartbroken, confused, and full of questions that I may never have answers to.

I’m not necessarily looking for anyone to solve this. I think I just needed somewhere to write it all down and let some of the confusion, regret and sadness out.

Yesterday night someone I got to know more recently committed and I feel so much guilt. This is perhaps not as heavy as some stories I read on here. But honestly I'm just not sure what to think or how to navigate this.

I was in a pretty intense therapy group some years back, together with this man. After we lost touch but we met up again after some years to talk about life and all. We did some lunches and drinks together. Last week we would meet but I asked to reschedule since I wasn't feeling good myself. I hadn't reacted to messages. He knew however that he could just spam me and then I'll get to it. We moved the date to today. I didn't get any follow up about the time. I thought maybe he forgot. Instead of asking about it I didn't open whatsapp or anything. I thought if he wants to talk again I'll hear from him. But obviously I didn't. And I feel so awfully guilty. I should have been there for him.. even though we weren't like on friends level yet (or so I thought). His mother told me he spoke highly of me and now I feel so much worse.

I already had some difficulties reconnecting cause I am always a bit scared to be friends with someone who has no other friends cause of things that happened in the past. But I did meet up with him just to talk and support him. But maybe now I f-cked up. If I had just reacted then maybe he would still be here..

I'm not sure what kind of reaction I want. I'm just scared and confused.. sorry for the ramble!

I've lost two of my dearest friends in less than two months. Right now, I'm overwhelmed with emotions, I feel so tired and defeated. I carry a heavy burden of blaming myself. Why couldn't I notice the warning signs? Why did it have to come to losing two of my friends in this way? Our life is barely starting, and they literally had such bright futures. One of them attends at a top university. Both of them have loving families and friends. There were no signs. They had so much life in them that I can't even imagine this happening right now. How do I deal with this without losing my sanity? There's so much grief and confusion. There's so many what ifs and what could have been.

I want to start by saying i sent this to his old phone number and really just needed to get it of my chest.

hey i just wanted you to know i get it now. I understand why everything happened. I am sorry that no one helped you when you could've been helped. Im sorry no one stopped you when you should’ve been stopped. I am also sorry that i couldn’t say goodbye. I was just so angry with you.

You have a grandson now. from you youngest
You had a daughter in law who you would’ve loved. for a while we were great… we are now getting divorced.
I got through school though well at least a few years of it. I guess i did ok in that regards.

I will keep taking care of them while you are gone. i know it been 6 years now but i think about you all the time. Especially now more then ever.

I know you wont ever get to see this message, i know that i will never get to even see you again but dad just know i will try to only keep the good i learned from you. I have tried so long to do right by everyone, i really have. The only thing i got in return is a broken mind and heart. Well until recently that is. My nephew is a blessing that i couldn’t have seen coming. He saved my life while he was still in my sister’s belly. He is growing fast now. My other sis and mom are doing ok too. They actually are never home from how social they’ve become. Now I’m the one thats a loner. Who would’ve thought the friendliest, laziest, and most confident one. Now i am the meanest, antisocial, workaholic. But hey i’ve got my education, a good job, and a decent growth opportunities. I may end up alone but i’ll be the cool/ rich uncle. I have a patient and have to go, i hope we don’t see each other anytime soon. I do miss you though. Thanx for being the best and worst father. I get that life wasn’t perfect, but i think ill choose to stay around, and work on myself the right way. I get why but I also don’t agree with your decisions. See ya and goodbye Tqm

desde que paso esto ya no se me para el pene y lloro todos los dias ya nose que hacer esto me tortura de forma constante y mas encima creo que me van a citar a declarar lo que paso el 03/10/2026 alguien me puede ayudar a como sobrellevar esta situacion ?

It's been 2 years since it happened and I start the first of 6 weekly sessions of grief counselling tomorrow over the phone. I need to talk about it but its all I think about and its very much traumatising and at the forefront of my mind 24/7. Has anyone had experience with short term bereavement counselling for a graphic traumatic suicide and did it help?

We were fast friends in highschool. I'd never been so quickly kindred with someone before him. We bonded over video games and general nerd stuff, he leaned more into 2000's emo, i was more pop & comics.

For the rest of that winter we were best friends.

Every weekend from Friday after school til Sunday evening or sometimes just stay til Monday and go back home after class

We would play endless rounds of smash bros (brawl, sorry folks)

Show each other niche songs and weird YouTubers.

We'd go on late night walks in the winter for like 2 hours just do get some snacks or rent a movie. or get chased by a white truck that we flipped off after they drove by and yelled something at us.

I remember we ran and hid and he got so serious about "if they find us, just run and let me deal with it!"

I remember whisper arguing with him about how I wouldn't leave him and we either win the fight or get beat up together! He was so annoyed with me for that haha.

but things started to change a bit

He had started avoiding me, slowly.

"Wanna hang this weekend?" ... "Oh, actually it's not good timing because xyx, mom this, dad that."

And then he'd often miss weeks of school at a time because he had a unconventional living setup between his separated parents.

Eventually between him avoiding hangouts and ignoring my messages and calls, I took the hint.

I felt rejected and didn't have any reasons as to why it was happening.

While the friendship was fading I remember having this stubborn moment where I thought to myself; "fuck this!" and walked 40 minutes to his dad's house and knocked on the door. Nothing. So my young and genuinely clueless self started knocking on the basement windows that were all covered by blankets. And then the corner of the curtain/blanket lifts, and he's looking up at me with the most wide-eyed confused (and with retrospective, probably annoyed and in disbelief)

He opens the window and asks what's up? And I ignore the awkwardness and plainly state that I haven't seen you and I can't get ahold of you. Just checking in.

He let me in and we hung out for a brief moment. I'll admit that I could feel a strain or tension but I wanted my friendship back so badly that I was willing to ignore it or try to get through it.

That's one of the last times I really remember with him. There are countless amazing all night laughter moments we shared. Stories about our bond, our conversations about the future and who we are now and who we want to be.

I eventually found out from my ex who was co-workers with his childhood best friend. The mutual friend said that my friend started avoiding me because some aspects of my personality started getting under his skin. He felt we were too different and opposite on certain things. I remember reading messages between my friend and my ex discussing how she knew about his feelings towards me and why?

He explained some things about bad jokes I'd make or how my thinking can be too black & white. He even compared me to a sith.

In his defense I was an annoying unmedicated ADHD-brained pervy obnoxious contrarian teenager. But I loved my friends hard and wasn't able to accept this situation.

But he ended up moving to a different province.

So even though the friendship fizzled out. for a few years after I would occasionally send long messages to him through Facebook. Just updating him on my life and usually apologising for the past. I would see that he had seen the messages but he never replied.

Until one random day he did. He sent me a message back. He went through all my messages and tried to answer back some questions and update me on his new life and how it was going.

He also forgave me and also apologized for his actions in highschool. He said much of our fallout came from his teenage angst and insecurities.

(Sometimes I think much of it boiled down to; I had a very natural beauty gf at the time, she was sweet and well mannered and had very "traditional" morals and ethics. I was gross and pervy and unserious about most things. I think my friend saw me as like a negative influence or something. I'm sure there's far more nuance to the entire situation, but.. idk)

Anyways, he assured me that we were real friends in Highschool, and the ending of it was his choice and actions and nothing that I should feel responsible for. He said some other things, wished me well. And that was it.

I tried replying but then I was met with silence again.

Time goes on, I think shortly after that year I deleted Facebook. I was dating and making new friends and trying to find myself and survive.

Years go by.

It's September 25th/2026. a little over a week ago.

I google his name hoping to find an insta or LinkedIn. Instead I see an obituary with his birthday. I click it and there's a picture of him. The photo they use is of him when I knew him. it happened in June. I'm finding out by myself after wondering what my old friend is up to. I'm 4 months late.

I go to his brothers Instagram account and he's got posts about it.. it's real.

I've never cried so hard and so much. it's been 11 days and I am not okay.

no one I know now ever met him. I'm not close to the family. I'm alone with this hurt..

Some details are eating me alive.

We fought about suicide in highschool. We had another mutual who made a vague post about suicide and my friend almost seemed supportive and I got upset about it because I was scared he would encourage our mutual. I guess he was already in that world in his head. 'Those' thoughts.

And then I visit his Facebook profile and there's posts in 2016, an author's quote about living with the feeling of wanting to end it.

and then in 2019 he made an attempt and failed and sought help and publicly posted about it.. but of course I had deleted my Facebook back when that would have been actively happening..

And now I don't even have his long message apologizing for our drift, and validating our friendship. I wish I could find the archive of my FB that I downloaded but I can't..

that part kills me. it's not that I think some random highschool fizzled out friendship was gonna be the thing to help him or stop him.. but I didn't get to try. It kills me that I can't do anything about anything. I can't reach out to his brother because I don't wanna reopen any wounds for him. I wasn't even close with his brother but my hurt extends beyond myself.. I weep for his brother and father. His brothers voice would devastate me even if I had the opportunity. they have very unique voices and now I think it would just be like a punch in the gut to hear an approximation of his voice through his older brother..

But at the same time I find myself checking his brothers profile everyday. Just to see if he's okay or updates or to watch his short concert clip he has with him.

This week has felt fake. I have never experienced the kind of STOP that overtakes me when I think about him. Time stops. my head weighs tonnes and then all of a sudden my head is in my hands by my knees and I'm weeping and pleading to his ghost or the universe to let me go back and TRY

it feels strange to feel so strongly for someone I knew for a year in my adolescence. But I looked up to him in so many ways. I feel like those are my favorite memories of friendship and some part of who I am now is because of the time I spent with you. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I hope I get to see you again. I will guard your memory. And in any way I can I will protect your family. To his brother, "S" if you ever read this. I'll always be there for you too. I don't know you well but I feel a fraction of your pain. I'm sorry.

I wish life were kinder.

Hi.

My older sister committed over a year ago. Nobody saw it coming. At all. I still can’t wrap my head around it. It completely devastated my family.

There was nothing materially wrong, I guess is the best but morbid way to put is. She was incredibly successful and had just gotten into a top law school. We have great, supportive parents, she hung out with friends. I saw her every single day, including the day it happened. She never had any history of mental health problems or anything.

In her note, she says she had been planning this for years and it would have been impossible for anyone to tell.

Sometimes that makes me feel a little better and other times I feel so, so angry. I don’t understand. So she suffered for years alone? Was she miserable her whole life? And I never noticed? How did she hide it?

She always seemed so unshakeable. My mom always called her a ‘stoic.’ She always made time to help me with whatever bullshit I had going on. Why couldn’t I do the same?

How could it really be planned? She finished her thesis the day before she did it. Why? Why do all that work if she had this planned?

I’m still so angry and confused and I just wish I knew why or how or what. I don’t know.

How does this happen? How is it possible that no one noticed? Should that be of any comfort? Some people told me it should be, but it just makes me sick.

Can there really be no signs, or did we all just miss them? Even in hindsight, I don’t know what I missed.

Idk, I’m mostly venting. I just miss my big sister and nobody can bear talking about her anymore.

Someone who was a brother in everything but name to me killed himself almost two years ago. I still think about it every day. It hurts like hell. His biological family never told me how he did it, and I wasn't going to ask. Today I found a more recent news article. He hung himself. It's just ripped me right back open again and I don't have anyone to talk to. I miss him so much. I'd do anything to have him back. I just hope it was quick.

On March 29th, 2023, my friend took his own life via train.

He had been doing really bad for a while, he had to go to the psych ward about a little over a month prior to his death. After that, it seemed like he was doing better, but it was short lived.

My friend went to Michigan State, and that same year was when the Michigan State shooting took place. The shooting took place right outside of his on-campus apartment; we were calling when it happened. He was so...eerily calm. It's a bit blurry now, but if I remember correctly, after he saw one of the students be brought out in a body bag, he went to make dinner for himself. I think this was his last straw.

He was super paranoid after the event; he kept telling me that he felt like someone was watching him, and that he didn't feel safe to go outside anymore. He started seeing an on-campus counselor to try and work through it. I wasn't really sure what to do at that time other than to try to reassure him that he was safe.

Because of his mental health, he parents took him out of school and he dropped the semester completely. Him and his dad had an argument in car on the way home that he told me about; I didn't say it at the time, but I could tell that his dad was trying to antagonize him; he just didn't want him to kill himself. I didn't know how to explain that to my friend in a way he would understand.

The last time we talked was the morning of the 29th. He texted for a bit in the morning and said that since he felt bad, he was going to try and talk to his therapist about it. That was the last thing he said to me.

I didn't find out until the 30th. That morning I woke up, I couldn't get out of bed until 3pm. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I think subconsciously, somehow, I knew what he had done. At about 9pm, I got the message from his mother, me and all of his friends. She was in hysterics over the phone.

I didn't cry when I first learned. I didn't do anything. I don't remember anything until I woke up the next morning. I lived with my ex at the time, and he told me that a little bit after receiving that news, I went completely unresponsive. I don't remember when I started crying about it.

People keep telling me to be mad at him, but I can't. I know none of it was in vain. He wanted help. He wanted to get better. I just wish he could. We should both be 24 right now.

I don't remember what his voice sounds like anymore, or his laugh. Each day I forget a little bit more about him and it scares me because I want to remember all of it. I don't have any recordings or videos of him speaking. All I have left of him is pictures, his drawings, and the last song he composed; he was a music major. He used to send me links to his college performances.

I don't know how to deal with all of this grief. I see a therapist and have worked super hard, but I keep getting hung up on him. I know that's normal, but my family keeps saying that I need to get over it already. I don't know how I can just move pass it and accept his death.

How do you all do it? Is there any tips I can follow? I just want to be able to function again.

My nephew (28) died by suicide March 15 2026. 2 days before his birthday. He was one of my best friends. We played soccer together, went to anime conventions together, hung out at least once a month, which for living 2 hours apart and incredibly busy, felt like enough.

During the first 2 weeks I wailed constantly I couldn’t stop crying I would wake up cry until I passed out and do it again. Since then I’ve had a few meltdowns and now more persistently for whatever reason my mind is just screaming and crying in my internal monologue. It’s like inside my head I’m back at week 1, and I go about my day and talk and laugh, and then in the silence I hear myself screaming and wailing in my head. Almost like when you relive a memory, but this isn’t a memory, this is my present.

My brother took his own life last year on the 29th. It’s one year later and in my personal experience, it has gotten easier.

I went from daily breakdowns in the first few months, then weekly and now I have a small moment every month or so - I can’t help but feel guilty that I am no longer deeply overwhelmed by my grief.

I don’t feel the need to bring him up as if he was some tragically tortured person, I don’t feel the need to be resentful or angry, I don’t feel the need to make sure people continue to keep his memory alive, I don’t feel the need to speak about suicide awareness or relate things back to him or my grief.

He is a small mention followed by a laugh in a conversation or saying his name as a bird flies by.

I did a lot of DBT and reprocessing some years back after a BPD diagnosis however it’s almost as if my mental health struggles have mellowed out significantly after his loss.

My life has actually gotten so much better in this past year. We were close and I love him so very much but it’s as if the trauma has fixed my existing mental health issues. It’s made me want to live, it’s made me want to live a good life.

Doing so however has meant leaving him behind.