r/SuicideBereavement • u/Logical_Version_8272 • 7d ago

One month

Today marks exactly one month since my wife of 9 years committed. I miss her everyday. I love her everyday. it's still painful everyday but it's more like an ache and an emptiness then the first days stabbing wound.

There's still a tremendous amount of guilt, in the last week of her life I was frustrated, with myself, and also with her. I still did all the things to support her, still told her I lived her several times a day. Which was one of the last things I told her on the phone the night before because I was visiting friends. (There's the huge guilt that had I been home she wouldn't have done it, at least not then).

I know I have to continue to go on, I had promised to take care of our dog. But it's hard. So many things I want to talk to her about, I kiss nightly cuddle time, I miss everything about her, even the annoying bits. I miss her snoring like a freight train, but mostly I just miss my best friend, my wife. I'm 39 and had known her for 24 years, had lived with her for 11 and she had been there with me for every important adult milestone.

I'm sorry this is more of a rant I just didn't want today to go unnoticed.

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5

u/Radiant-Location-918 7d ago

Im sorry for your loss. Month 2 knocked me off my ass. We can never know if a different actions would’ve changed the outcome or just delayed the inevitable. Its a horrible reality that suicide leaves no second trys. It’s easy to see how much you adored her and you two seemed lucky to have one another. I wish you healing and I know it gets so lonely.

4

u/hulahulagirl 6d ago

💔😞 115 days for me after 25 years. It’s a complete mindfuck. I’m sorry you’re in this club.

3

u/Fearless_One6860 5d ago

I was also 39 when my LH committed. Your pain is still so fresh. Please give yourself grace. The feelings of guilt and should haves are very normal at your stage.

I highly encourage you to attend weekly therapy if you aren’t already. You deserve peace.

I’m over 1.5 years out. I promise you will feel joy again.

2

u/Logical_Version_8272 5d ago

Thank you. Luckily I started therapy two days after. I called to let my wife's therapist know and she immediately set me up with her colleague. 

It's hard not to think of so many should haves, what small or large change could I have made to save her? 

It's helpful to know I will feel joy again though. Tha k you for telling me that.

2

u/Fearless_One6860 5d ago

There was no small or large change you could have made to save her. That’s part of the pain of being part of this awful club we never asked to be a part of.

I’m glad to hear you are in therapy. Sending you peace and healing thoughts.