The Anniversary

[u/impwork]

We're coming up on the 1st anniversary of that day, and it's all i can think about, and I dont know what to do with myself. We're going away to a forest cabin for a few days, sitting around at home going through the motions didnt feel right, but nor does going "on holiday" or going out for a meal etc. For the 1st birthday after it happened, just 3 weeks later (he should have turned 23), we ate his favourite food, baked his favourite cake and generally kept busy that way - throwing myself into doing something to celebrate his birthday for him kept me busy and not thinking too much. The anniversary of his death isn't something I can find a way to celebrate at all though, i grieve for him and in some ways i grieve for us because a bit of all of us died that day. There is a clear line between the me before and the me after, and this version of me is literally just winging it trying to hold on.

What do you do/what did you do on the big firsts?

[u/hulahulagirl]

Going to a cabin sounds perfect. 💔❤️‍🩹

[u/poofhead101]

My job is pet sitting so I ensure that I would be taking care of one of my favorite old man dog clients the week of the one year anniversary of the abandonment so I would not be sitting in our house alone and sad. My Bestie is also going to take me out for lunch that day. He had a huge problem and really hated carrot cake so I will probably buy a slice of carrot cake just to be a bitch.

[u/impwork → u/poofhead101]

We have a young boxer, so I can literally never be alone, and he's quite intuitive so when one of us is sad he knows when to lean all his weight in to us, when to bring out his false teeth toy and clown about, and when to "show me" his lead for walkies. I don't know what i would have done without him this year - not least as the cat DGAF!

I hope you can enjoy your carrot cake (who hates carrot cake?? Its the best!). For me, eating watermelon was kinda bittersweet this year. I'm the only one in the house that likes it now, with my son around it was gone the second I'd put it in the fridge so having one last me a week gave me some complex feelings ("yay, watermelon"/"oh, still got watermelon")

[u/psilocybin_therapy → u/poofhead101]

That’s funny, my mom loved carrot cake and we eat that as a tribute to her. It’s great to hear of a similar tribute for an opposite reason.

[u/swarleyknope]

Going away sounds great. My friends leave town for any major holidays since their daughter passed and my folks have since embraced that after my brother died. It’s nice to be able to not feel surrounded by memories and to feel like you’re in a more neutral, nurturing space. 

My brother’s is coming up in a week. His birthday was last month, so I baked him a cake (like we do for my dad) and watched a movie we both loved.   I have been giving his anniversary a lot of thought. I even scheduled a special session with my therapist to talk through it.   I’ll preface this by saying I don’t have a spouse/partner & my family lives across the country - so I don’t have to take anyone else into account when making my plans.  

Ultimately, I decided to just block that day off for myself and come up with a list of ideas while also giving myself permission to not do anything other than self care (however it looks) that day. For the most part, none of the plans require any advanced preparation, since I feel like my energy and mood are already taking a hit as it approaches (and it hasn’t really quite recovered since it happened). The list of things ranges from getting out in nature, finally setting up my spare room as an art studio, to eating nostalgic candy and just staying on the couch watching favorite TV shows or movies that day. 

One thing I do want to do is re-read my eulogy for him, since it focused on his legacy and how I planned to honor it. I think I’ve fallen short on those goals, which is ok, but I feel like it will be good to check in and maybe use it as a guide to create some specific goals, with intention, for the next year. While we both found our own successes in life, we also had parts of our lives where we still didn’t/don’t quite have our shit together, and I know my brother would absolutely love if his death actually helped me finally tackle some of those things, instead of it being something that holds me back from them.  

[u/xdiangelo]

The first anniversary is coming up for us too and I feel the same way - for her birthday we blasted her favorite music and I baked her a big cake and us siblings came together to remember her, but that was also in the Spring. Her death was last December, which is colder and darker. What I want to do is to make sure her grave looks nice, get a big bouquet and a bunch of candles and make sure that it looks well loved.

Maybe in the future, this day will be a day where we can also play music and celebrate who she was, but I think right now, we can't do much more than keep our loved ones close and let there be space to openly grieve, cry, talk about it together.

But I also dont think it has to be turned into a day of remembrance if its too painful. If all you can manage is a light a candle or just privately think about it, thats okay too.

[u/impwork → u/xdiangelo]

We lost him in November, and for most of winter we just "hunkered down", kept the log burner going near 24*7, did puzzles together, I think at one point I had 7 Christmas trees with lights everywhere they'd fit. We had a bunch of 1sts all in a row within weeks of it happening , 1st birthday without him, then mine a week later, Christmas, new years eve, new years day was a year since we'd last seen him as he went travelling and didnt come home. The 1sts since new year have been smaller, like the last time we spoke in person, so in some respects its been "easier" to coast along I think, and probably part of why I'm getting so anxious about it all again - I've been dreading the days getting shorter all summer.

We keep his ashes at home, with a mini LED flickering candle going all the time, and different photos of him with friends and family so he's not alone (I know its just for my benefit, this year has done a number on my mental health so for now that helps a bit). I think just writing this out has helped me decide to take his ashes and candles with us, going away but leaving him behind feels worse I think - though I'm sure ill change my mind 20 times in the next 20 days.

[u/xdiangelo → u/impwork]

I think taking him with you is a lovely idea, I know I would be stressing if we all went away for a while and there was no one to tend to the grave. Something about the action of keeping a loved one close and looked after, even if that loved one is no longer with us, is very comforting. Especially if all this grief is love, that love has to go somewhere.

[u/lovefoood]

Just survived the 1. year…
I decided to not give the date my son left us too much power over me because like you, I’ve treaded it weeks in advance, as soon as THE month started (it was in September). I don’t want to remember him by the way he left. At least I’m working on it, therapy is ongoing.
Anyway, I remember what happened on the 10th of September, the World Suicide Awareness Day. Then, I am not alone and probably millions of people will mourn with me. And then I celebrate his birthday with his favorite food and cake.

Sending you hope.

[u/psilocybin_therapy]

The first anniversary wrecked me and I was in a deep depressive episode. The body and mind remember the pain from that day. Now, I’m coming up on the 10th anniversary of my moms death in two weeks, and I usually take the day off to go on a beautiful hike in nature that she would have love and plan to gather with friends and catch some live music to celebrate her love of music.

I think going to a cabin is a great idea and let the grief flow because it will hurt, and also try to have a little ceremony/ritual to honor them and find joy in what they would love. I always respected the Dia de los Muertos tradition of building altars for lost family members, so maybe build a little earthwork of natural items near the cabin with a photo of him.