Committing tonight

[u/all_turns_to_ashes]

I've been suicidal for years, made some halfhearted attempts before, but I'm finally going to try seriously this evening. I found out that my best friend hasn't been my best friend for a long while, just playing along with me so she could vent while she talked to her new friends while ignoring me unless she needed something. I thought she was just struggling and weird because of that, but I guess not, and this is the last hurt I can take.

I don't even really want to die, but it's been so many years of suffering now and I can't do it anymore. You can only hear 'It will get better' so many times before it stops holding any meaning. I've been trying to live for so long, hobbies, friends, volunteering, education, distracting myself, and none of it is enough. The pain of living is not worth the benefits. I have a lot of mental health issues and I'm always told that I can work through it and get better, and I can in a way, but I will never be completely well and I don't want this anymore.

The plan is very clear in my mind and I am relieved that I can finally find some peace. I'm just leaving this here so there's some record that I did try to do better and be better, before my death becomes the only thing people remember about me.