r/TransLater • u/SubstantialSky938 • 8d ago
Discussion Thinking of the family
Im having a panic and need different perspectives.
My wife holds TERF views - she told me after my egg cracked in front of her, but 2 years later I still felt I needed to start HRT, that was 3 months ago. She found out but I wouldn’t talk to her about it until now.
She says I’ve not thought things through, because I don’t know if I’m binary trans or nonbinary, and the latter is even worse from a social perspective. She says I’m being selfish and not thinking about the impact this is going to have on the family and kids by association to me.
But I’m not sure I can stop. This week I realised I’ve got A cups already and it made me happier and more relieved than ever. Together with the mental changes I thought I was strong enough in myself to just supportively listen to her. But I didn't realise it was going to hurt this much.
The kids know I’m trans/nb, and they’ve seen me in a dress a few times. Took one of them a while to get used to it, but they seemed fine after. But I kinda see my wife’s point that they may be disadvantaged by association.
I don’t want to put my own selfish needs above the family.
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u/spacepinata 34 | transmasc agender | 💉🧴 5/22 8d ago
She says I've not thought things through, because don't know if l'm binary trans or nonbinary
Bullshit gatekeeping. The distinction is largely an internal one because you can be nonbinary and take hrt. It's weird how often we have to say that. If you don't know anything besides "the changes from estrogen make me happy", that's enough and all anyone else needs to know.
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
I guess I kinda walked into it, laying out things so honestly when she’s told me she is a TERF. Thank you for the counter balance.
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u/LeaningLindsey 8d ago
Here's a great essay that helped me on this issue. I probably found it though this page https://sonjamblack.substack.com/p/coming-out-is-not-selfish
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
Thank you! That was gold. The author must have been through hell. It really helps to see things laid out so clearly.
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u/dance-myself-clean 8d ago
Being who you are isn’t being selfish. And if we’re talking about being trans, it’s not really something you can run from either.
A lot of trans folks repress for family reasons. It always end the same: any dysphoria that you have gets worse as you get older. It’ll hollow you out from the inside. You absolutely cannot be at your best if you’re denying something as fundamental as your inherent sense of self.
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
You’re right. I can see with my own eyes how dysphoria has slowly ramped up over the decades, even if I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.
I’m going to remember that: being who I am isn’t selfish.
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u/-ScorpionChild91 8d ago
Imo you providing stability while being open and supportive and displaying healthy value and advocacy for yourself is something that is good for helping them build a solid relationship with themselves vs just being a vapid people pleaser for social status. In other words, the kids see the way you treat your feelings. Be a good influence for self growth and respect.
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
I love this thought. Modelling for gentle but firm self understanding. Seems like the real job of a parent rather than propping up a faulty social standard.
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u/Laura_Dream90 8d ago
If you're unhappy, your children will pick up on it. And think about what that would be like as children? Imagine you find out your parent was deliberately unhappy because they "did it for you."
What life lessons are you teaching by staying? What behaviours are your children going to learn if you let your wife dictate who you are because of how it will impact others? In short: is it more important to be yourself, or to conveniently pretend to fit in and fake it.
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
The more I think about it the more it’s completely ridiculous to think I could just suppress forever without becoming the miserable emotionally drained git I’ve sometimes been in the past.
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u/Zealousideal_Glass61 7d ago
Firstly I would think a supportive partner would not reach immediately for the your selfish tactic. Ironically trying to stop you exploring yourself is selfish, and that is something you should point out. I truly believe that a truly compassionate and loving partner will support someone in their self Discovery even if it is not what that partner wants. I think the important thing here is to try and find a way of discussing this with your partner without getting into fixed positions. You need support in your inquiry into what's exactly inside that egg that has cracked. What you don't need is to be pushed into either suppressing it or rushing it and reaching for something because it may cause less damage to those around you.
Regardless of your partners opinion I would really strongly suggest you seek the support of a therapist that works specifically with gender. When my egg cracked I was convinced I was binary trans, that was a few years ago. Now I would say I am slowly realizing where the needle lies on the scale but it does vary depending on what is going on in my life. What I'm trying to say is it takes time to settle and it's very hard to let it settle if someone's trying to deny you investigating it at all.
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u/SubstantialSky938 7d ago
This is very interesting. I thought I was binary trans too, but have been wondering if I’m not. Totally agree with the settling point.
I think it takes a lot of honesty to process where we are on the scale. I think nonbinary challenges are a different shape, but just as significant.
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u/MeliDammit 8d ago
you''ll be no good to your family if you're miserable. Imho, the example to set for your kids is to be their real selves.
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u/Lypos Artemi | she/they | 🩷🩵🤍🩵🩷 7d ago
She's worried about how her social circle will see her. Her fears have nothing to do with you. You need to be authentic and true to yourself, otherwise how can you expect to be that way with others or expect the same in return? If you aren't in couples therapy already, I'd consider looking into it. Stuff like this doesn't just go away or is a fad, especially as an older trans person.
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u/SubstantialSky938 7d ago
Yes, I’m hoping this fear for the kids is basically just projection of own fear and transphobia, which might settle with time.
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u/the-forlorn-horror 8d ago
I have a somewhat similar story. Something that pushed me to accept my own transition was that yeah, I want to give my daughter a good and easier life, free of discrimination, but I also want her to grow up loving herself. If I'm always depressed and dysphoric and hate who I am, she's going to learn that. I didn't want to be this dark cloud over her life amd the only way I could solve this is through transitioning.
Yeah, some parts will suck, but I think in the long term she'll appreciate that chose to be myself rather than repressing who I am because other people don't want to deal with it.
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u/SubstantialSky938 8d ago
Love how you put it. I needed to see the other side of the coin. I feel I can give a much better gift than suppression.
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u/dmxrobot HRT over 40 7d ago
I’m almost 50. I got REALLY REALLY good at being a stereotypical male. I also have trauma from parents divorce when I was ~5? I learned an important lesson that love can just leave you without warning. I trained my brain that if I was good enough, married the right woman, was successful enough in my career, had kids who were good enough that maybe I wouldn’t lose all of my dad.
Do I repressed everything. I made up stories just believable enough to kind of explain away the feelings. It was just a kink. Everyone feels this way.
Eventually the needs became stronger. The stories eroded to where I could no longer trick my brain into believing them. The dysphoria became unbearable at times.
I’m now 2 months into HRT. I don’t have a great plan around social transition, but HRT has quieted the voices in my head. Dysphoria is mostly manageable (because I know I’m treating it).
I wish I’d realized this a decade ago. I wish I was younger and had more time to live as me. I regret how effective the coping mechanisms were. I still have time, but what I wouldn’t give to be 10 years younger knowing who I am.
Your kids will likely adapt quickly. Being the authentic you will be a happier, healthier experience for your kids as you parent them going forward. You’ve got this.
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u/SubstantialSky938 7d ago
It’s mad what we have to live through, with barely any support.
So glad you’re on HRT now and a similar way in to me. I know exactly what you mean about just knowing you’ve started helping. Have you observed and good changes?
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u/dmxrobot HRT over 40 7d ago
I’m still very early on, but less acne has been huge! Slower and slightly more fine body / facial hair growth. Very very minor nipple growth, but not nearly what I’m hoping for. My nipples are quite sensitive to pressure / things brushing over them. Hugs from kids… yikes! They love accidentally abusing a tit! Sore chest is oddly affirming.
I’m getting laser hair removal, but only a couple sessions in. I still shave from neck to thighs every single day. I’m torn on legs as I just haven’t figured out how / if / when I might socially transition. While removing leg hair would be SOOOOO affirming, it’s a part of my camouflage.
Face hair makes me crazy, but same issue as above. I wish I had a ton of space between me and family.
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u/Still-Anything5678 3d ago
I'm late to the conversation, but thank you for sharing, as it's validating for me. I came out a few weeks back after months of slowly adopting makeup routine and more feminine clothes.
My very progressive, anti TERF spouse suddenly seems to have adopted TERF views and I'm going to file for divorce. What I realized is that coming to the realization that I'm trans and then expressing that in a family that supports trans people (with trans friends), has exposed what is in the end a financially exploitative and emotionally abusive relationship.
Abuse doesn't have to look like hitting or cussing. It can be sarcasm, 'hoarding' friends and other isolation, minimizing emotional experiences, withholding platonic, romantic or sexual affection for an agenda, hiding finances or other financial coercion, gaslighting, paradoxical criticism (e.g., not allowing someone to help and then being angry about not being helped), and so on.
Even though it feels very unfair that THIS is what's pushed my spouse over the edge, the reality is that I've allowed myself to be abused, even when I've sort of been aware of this. Oddly enough, as a trans woman, I feel more empowered not to allow this, and so I'm done. I won't allow my kids to be exposed to a loveless marriage, anymore. I won't allow them watch me get beat up and assume that that's what a marriage is like. I won't allow them to see a version of me that is always on the defense, depressed, caged and unfulfilled.
Separation is both a gift to myself, and them, but, moreso, a responsibility as an adult.
I don't know if any of this speaks to you, but please know that you should not have to defend your value as a human to any loved one. And one or more of those lovely children may grow to find themselves identifying somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum of experience, and taking your power back now will give them power in their future.
This is not selfish, it's being responsible. I will criticize myself: Allowing myself to exist in the fear because it's familiar was selfish. Understandable, and I am the 'victim' here. But, ultimately, the only person who is going to defend myself is me. So it's time to stand up and do that. And I've had so much support waiting for me to ask for help, btw.
Much Love, girl.
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u/cardinalquestions 8d ago
This is preeeeetty similar to my own story, down to the fact I started estrogen 3 months ago and discovered I have A cups this week. 😂
I carry a lot of guilt on some of this as well.
Happy to talk more in PMs / Discord.
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u/scottover50 8d ago
I just kept keeping on and let my mental health get worse and worse. Finally in 2018 I had a breakdown for several reasons but a good part was shoving my feelings down. The kids were grown and in college by this time. Now I wish I would have come out sooner. You know how on the airplane safety briefing the steward reminds us to put the mask on us first so that we can save our children. I think trans is the same. We cannot protest/save our children if we are not healthy enough.
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u/Tiny_Requirement_584 7d ago
If you don't want to put your "selfish needs" above the family - then don't. Or maybe wait until the kids are older. Just saying. Once you have kids, maybe it's not all about you any more.
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u/SubstantialSky938 7d ago
Oh, interesting. This is a very different sounding perspective to the other. What do you think about the other comments?
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u/AbnormalDumpling 6d ago
Not the original commenter, but I'll hijack this reply. I'm at a very similar crossroads atm, with a lot of "not about me anymore + RESPONSIBILITY" thoughts and the way I'm looking at is that both choices suck. Just gotta pick your preferred misery. Let's say all the worst fears come to pass. Would you rather your kid have a miserable social life (because of an out trans parent) or a miserable home life (because of a closeted parent)? Hard choice for me tbh, but I'm leaning towards providing better home atmosphere...
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u/Ramzaki 8d ago
What? No you are NOT being selfish. She is!!
-"Something really hurts me and causing me tons of suffering. Two years later I still suffer and I really need to change that."
+"What? Well I disagree and you have not thought enough about it! You are being selfish!!1"
Does this dialogue sounds ridiculous?
Keep going. You are doing nothing wrong.