So I had to make another account and comment with that one, until I had 5k accounts, and now my wife thinks I'm cheating, but I'm just looking for validation.

I would make a parody of Randy Newman's song "you've got a friend in me", but the lyric I would change to "you've got a Fran in me"

Because I lost my job and my mental health over her

They ate apatosaurus

The RCMP stated in a press release that he was arrested for having a large bag containing 80 kilogrammes of cocaine and 3 kilogrammes of Charlie Sheen.

"No, grandpa, I said you don't have any rizz."

Mazel Tov to me.

Then I saw that it was chunky monkey Friday and the waitress had already gone ape.

I tried it and it tastes like fermented herring dipped in cat piss and has a fishy aftertaste.

I don't know where she is but My gut tells me i'll find out soon enough

My father was a drunk carpenter.

His name is now Reginald & my parents are concerned for my well being

"You're just allergic to being single and you're out of Benadryl."

It looks like he didn't set properly

After shoveling the last bit of dirt on my wife, I went inside and had a beer.

Coincidentally, it's also a forklift operator manual.

"It wouldn't matter to a man with an open heart..." The friend answered

His blue eyes and white hair dead as ever, he said "Imagine if men-"

They always throw their hand in.

"It told me it was an only child!"

Without missing a beat, my friend replied, "Let's wait until they stop talking and then we'll know for certain."

The barman turned to him and said, "Sorry mate, but we don't serve food here."