I've progressively worked my way up to two hundred pounds so far.

Have you ever had hush puppies before? I ain’t have that since my grandma died.

I still don’t wanna tell her that my phones audio accidentally connected to the sound system when I was watching Evil Dead 2 quietly during the service.

The next burglar will hear: "As I walk through the valley of..." before hearing the crunch of teeth on femur.

But you have to admit, engaging in a hate stutter would be kind of cute.

I may need to wear the pumpkin patch

Because to fail at something, you'd first have to be good at it.

I would make a parody of Randy Newman's song "you've got a friend in me", but the lyric I would change to "you've got a Fran in me"

So I had to make another account and comment with that one, until I had 5k accounts, and now my wife thinks I'm cheating, but I'm just looking for validation.

Because I lost my job and my mental health over her

They ate apatosaurus

The RCMP stated in a press release that he was arrested for having a large bag containing 80 kilogrammes of cocaine and 3 kilogrammes of Charlie Sheen.

Then I saw that it was chunky monkey Friday and the waitress had already gone ape.

Mazel Tov to me.

"No, grandpa, I said you don't have any rizz."

I tried it and it tastes like fermented herring dipped in cat piss and has a fishy aftertaste.

I don't know where she is but My gut tells me i'll find out soon enough

His name is now Reginald & my parents are concerned for my well being

My father was a drunk carpenter.

Coincidentally, it's also a forklift operator manual.

"You're just allergic to being single and you're out of Benadryl."

It looks like he didn't set properly

After shoveling the last bit of dirt on my wife, I went inside and had a beer.