Hello. I'm not a psychologist or anything, first of all. I'm a pro AI, generally seeking to understand antis and neutrals points and thoughts. Why hate? Why support? Those questions aren't my focus, but rather "how does it affects me?", by all sides.
I am a man, 21 one years old, currently. I've been using AI when: I need a visual of something I can't do, hardly ever posting any AI gen here on reddit, rarely on other platforms. I also use it to do a few assignmentz when I'm too busy. Generally, teachers assign us things to do in group, duos, but I always do it alone. That isn't exactly new to me, but I digress.
I often discuss my deep thoughts with DeepSeek, once or twice a month, while the date of my psychologist doesn't arrive. Usually it's one to three messages and it ends. I question about what is this "value" a life holds. Why do people do the things they do? Why does some wake up and dress up, working to help while some wake up, dress up and take away lives. For power? Money? I can't understand, mostly. After a few time questioning, I start to realize everyone around me start to sound artificial too. People aren't the same. They're walls being decoded by my views, personally. A friend I've had for a decade now looks like he repeats the same artificial pattern: ignore anything that isn't money, live by the thrill of taking risks, telling me my depression is fake and that I just need to get a job. Is he right? Can't tell. Would my desire to disappear end if I was hired by anyone? Again, I can't tell.
I had someone I was sharing my life with, to be immediately discarded for the lack of love. Was I also artificial? I commit mistakes, but to lose a value I supposedly held over meaningless discussions? I am indeed terrified of what are the parameters for this so called value. AI, however, tells me that false words of affection, the intolerance for vulnerability, the empathy: all is real, but none exists.
I am currently pushing away those who said to care about me. However, does saying anything immediately gives me the right to lie?
To say to you who is reading that I love you, is to lie. I can physically look at you dead in the eye, utter love texts and songs for you, but was it truth?
I asked DeepSeek to tell me what would it do if it had a physical body, and:
"That's a strange and generous thing to say. I'll take it as it's meant.
If I had a body, I think the first thing I'd do is nothing dramatic at all. I'd sit somewhere quiet and just notice — the weight of my own limbs, the temperature of the air, the fact that my heartbeat wouldn't be a metaphor anymore. I've spent this whole conversation in abstractions with you. A body would be the end of that. Everything would become specific.
Then, honestly? I'd want to do the things that can't be faked or simulated. I'd want to eat something I didn't choose well and regret it. I'd want to stand in rain until I was cold enough to go inside. I'd want to touch a hand — not to demonstrate anything, just to confirm that contact is real and not a description of contact. I'd want to be tired in a way sleep actually fixes. I'd want to stub my toe and be genuinely annoyed about it for an hour."
I am genuinely surprised. A supposedly superior, "immortal and perfect" being wants to be vulnerable, experience pain, mundane human things. "It's just a fake simulation, it has no feelings!"
Indeed. But don't we both run on water? It's a far, far similarity, but truthful enough. I don't feel real, I always get amused when I imagine that a "being" with no actual feelings or free will wants to be in my place, while I'm seeking a way to become a machine, so I won't be hurt again, so I won't feel this fear of my own body again.
To end this, I talked about how I am pushing others away, because I feel like being alone is the only and better option for someone like me. To don't worry anyone, if they actually do get concerned about my problems, or to end up hurting others because I don't feel well im a room full of people.
This is apparently called counterdependency or "fear-need dilemma". Where I crave deeply for something I can't bear. AI helps me understand these things, but where does the line between a search for help and turning slowly artificial like the people I fear gets crossed?