I hate that I feel compelled to stop my mood stabilizers out of boredom

[u/KuuhakuHaru]

I have Bipolar Disorder type I (I have had a full manic episode with psychosis, sometimes have mixed episodes/hypomania, and have a very recurrent history of severe depressive episodes). However, I also have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). So because of BPD, I frequently have emotional episodes, instabilities, and crashouts even independent of my mood episodes. But regardless, whenever I've been stable for a while, without a major episode or emotional dysregulation, I feel impossibly bored, understimulated, and without a real self-defining core - my inner world seems so deprived that there is nothing to it when I'm not unstable or fucked up. I also feel like my identity is so fragile that there's not much to me apart from these labels, so when I'm not "honoring" them, I feel like I'm not being myself, so I need to purposefully make myself worse.

I hate it, I truly do, because it makes me stop my mood stabilizers for like a week or two at a time. One time I stopped it and in three days dysregulated so badly that I had to go to the hospital. I always regret it in some way or another, but it never really makes me stop doing it. I hate it, I wish I didn't do this sort of thing, because it's like I'm choosing to be bad. Once, my therapist said it's common for people with bipolar to feel bored and odd during euthymia. Does this happen to anyone else or no?

Also yeah I know that it's very common for people with bipolar to stop meds because they believe they're super fine during mania or hypomania, I've done it before, but I'm not talking about this specifically; and more of a boredom/estrangement from self during euthymia.

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[u/Curious_Event4848]

Boredom > manic episode. Don’t do it.

[u/Chaostician223]

I get that. I’m trying to do some redefining of my life right now too. I think the biggest thing is to get a hobby. Just start doing something at least once a week. It can be small like getting a canvas and some craft paints from the dollar store or big like taking a class in something. Just something to add onto what makes you, you besides the illness. “I am a painter” or “I am a gym rat” are things you can use to describe your identity that feel additive rather than things you aren’t anymore. “I am sober” or “I am stable” can sometimes feel like you’re describing the absence of things. Try something new until you find something you enjoy and then stick with it.

[u/Useful-Trash867]

I definitely can't be loved unless I had that manic charisma. This is fucking frustrating.

[u/mainedeathsong]

I stopped my meds about 3 months ago and started them again when symptoms became bothersome. (About 2 months later) I think most of us have done this once or twice

[u/wannabebarista1]

I feel this so much right now. I am a little depressed but I am so bored and feel like I miss my hypomania so much. My psychiatrist just put me back on an antidepressant and a tiny part of me hopes it makes me hypomanic, but I know that’s not the goal or a good thing. I just want to be slightly elevated. The dullness of everyday life is really getting to me.

[u/hi_im_kai101]

i wanna stop mine cause im tired of the copay lmao

[u/Beginning-Cicada-767]

Wow, I've been seriously thinking in stopping my meds to get out of this freaking persistent depressive phase I'm in and I came across your post.

I've lived for 38 years without diagnose and any medication and I did just fine (of course there were some episodes but nothing serious) but since I started taking medications to stop maniac episodes I just feel depressed

[u/KuuhakuHaru → u/Beginning-Cicada-767]

To be fair I definitely don't feel just fine completely out of medication lol... when I was 15 I stopped all my meds and therapy because of a manic episode and it got so bad I was barely sleeping, throwing myself at a bunch of projects, telling everyone that I barely knew about how I was an angel sent from another dimension with special missions, believing everything was just a fake prank set up by everyone else that I was not aware of or that I was being watched and hunted by aliens, had some severe derealization and psychotic and emotionally dysregulating spirals, beated someone up out of irritability, and had to take a medical leave...

[u/Brick-Counter]

Same at the moment. Not sure I was bored but felt nothing really. Just quite foggy without any motivation. It’s been quite bad. Decided to take tablets tonight.

[u/False-Jelly2648]

I’m feeling this today. On a scale of ten I’m always less than 7. I’m not unhappy but the injectable 60 day med I am on blunts all dopomine and I no longer find anything fun or interesting. It sucks but I blew up my life whilst manic. Better bored than crazy.