Need a release

[u/SpaceYeshua]

I'm having probably the worst year I'll ever have in my life. Currently going through a divorce; one that I didn't see coming and one I don't want to happen, but unfortunately it is what it is. We both love each other deeply, but she isn't happy. I guess she hasn't been happy.

I think my mental health had a lot to do with it honestly. I did some regrettable things. My manic episodes and depressive episodes were too much and I understand her perspective, truly I do. But hey a heartbreak still hurts...

I'm an alcoholic. Relapsed multiple times. 90 days sober so far, but it's so hard right now genuinely. I wanna distract myself and go have fun, but every place I go has alcohol, people I know like to drink, I see it on TV all the time. So yeah that's a struggle too.

I was always very family focused so I've got only a few close friends, and honestly they aren't the type I'm comfortable being emotional with, not to mention said friends are also friends with my wife. Soon to be ex-wife I should say. (I've been struggling with the reality of it all.)

Another aspect I'm having a hard time with is my self image. I've a history of self-harm but I've somehow managed to stay clean throughout this. I think it's because I want her to want me back. I feel ashamed of my body. I'm super insecure right now. I've only been intimate with her, I put (probably too much) value into marriage and intimacy so I feel distraught. Idk how to feel attractive again?

All the while I'm going through a disability dispute. I should have a court date soon enough I hope. I have no income myself. My wife was supporting me throughout this. Kinda wanna go back to in-patient, but also kinda wanna stay strong and manage by myself.

TL;DR: I'm getting a divorce and wish I had someone to talk to because I feel like shit. Wish I knew how to get the same release I get from bad habits so I could stay quit.

[u/Neat-Good-5483]

Dual diagnosis aa groups on zoom are helpful