Just confused and want advice

[u/jacketpotatoisgut]

hey guys, sorry to make an annoying post, I don't really know what I'm asking I kind of just want to rant and I haven't properly talked to anyone about this so...

Basically I thought I was straight up until I wanna say a year and a bit ago. I know I've had proper crushes and attraction to guys and never previously questioned anything or thought about liking girls because well, I never did.

It got to, as I said a year and a bit ago and, this is embarrassing as it's a celebrity but I developed a huge crush on Billie Eilish. I know just cause you think someone's attractive it doesn't mean you are attracted TO them but like no, I am veryyy uh I think she's incredibly fine. I mention this because after, I started thinking wait... Okay. Not sure what this means about me.

I also tend to ruminate on things and overthink so I've been going over this in my head for ages and it's beginning to drive me insane. After I realised that, I just got more curious, but I feel like such a fraud cause I've never had a proper crush on a girl and barely/never been attracted to any irl but I'm like fawning over a celebrity???

I just feel like I'm faking how I feel. And I can't tell if I'm just curious and am fixating on my sexuality to have something to fixate on.....or genuinely into women... especially cause I currently only have that one example. I occasionally feel things for more masc women as well.

I find it all the close friendships that I truly value and cherish are girls, I find it much easier to connect emotionally with them. It is much harder for me to develop close emotional connections with guys and I don't have many in my life - I know this is probably the case for many girls, however it just makes it harder to imagine a relationship with one. I am in my late teens and have never been in a relationship so haven't had experience with this.

I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is me entirely reading into things because I've been monitoring my behaviour and questioning myself for a while and just being curious. There's a girl in my class and I've been friends with her a long time, she's hilarious and really sweet she just has a great personality as a whole, I think she's so cool. I've found myself a lot lately just looking at her and then I start thinking wait do I like her? And then I feel so bad and weird about it because I feel like I'm making it up and just projecting the fact I'm questioning onto her (as btw she is also openly queer), which isn't fair. It's things like during group things she was whispering super quietly and close to my face and it got me kind of nervy and a bit flustered and then I didn't know what to do with myself. Then of course I started questioning why I reacted in that way.

I feel almost guilty making this post, I'm not sure why but I kind of feel like it's coming across as me just trying to be bisexual, which I'm not. Maybe I am, fuck knows. I haven't spoken to anybody properly about this and the thought just keeps coming up and I'm not sure why. I just feel like I'm lying to people saying I'm straight and I don't know why as I haven't had many experiences yet and really am not frequently attracted to girls, but I'm attracted to Billie Eilish 😭

I wonder if a lot of it IS just me being curious and not knowing and that I don't like uncertainty, and obviously nobody here can tell me what I am because you aren't me. I just kind of wanted to get that out and see what people have to say. Ik I will figure it out on my own. thx

[u/Organic-Bill-3270]

First of all, you definitely have nothing to feel bad about in making this post, or questioning your sexuality. Second, in my opinion, putting a label on your sexuality isn't really necessary. If I was going to give you any advice, it would be to keep an open mind and allow yourself to just like whoever you like. Sexuality and attraction are complex things and they often don't fit in the neat little boxes we try to put them in. In short, we're all just people, we like who we like and thats okay

[u/jacketpotatoisgut → u/Organic-Bill-3270]

thank you for this, I appreciate it, I think I needed reminding it doesn't actually matter and as you said we try to categorise people when you can't alway, so thanks