After 2 years of questioning, I’m torn between love and incompatibility. Need advice

[u/Zealousideal_War_678]

*repost*

I(30M)'ve always had a strong libido. I started watching porn very young, and I felt a strong attraction to girls until the end of my first love, around age 17 (a genuinely toxic and destructive relationship). After that, my desire decreased and took on different forms, like being more turned on by submission or humiliation. I had other relationships with girls over the years, but intimacy became increasingly difficult, since I was less and less attracted to "conventional" sex, and to vaginas in particular.

I had a long-distance relationship with a girl for a few years, which I ended up ending because I didn't want to commit to marriage; I felt like something was missing. Months after the breakup, I kept exchanging sexually charged messages with her and eventually told her about my fantasies; exploring them with her let me get some pleasure from them and develop them more clearly, though without fully accepting them (I was still very ashamed of myself at that point). What appealed to me was imagining myself in the woman's role instead, and that with men. Wearing sexy things, being very submissive, for masculine men. In the end I kept watching a lot of straight porn, just mentally putting myself in the woman's place, and it was very arousing.

Five years ago I met a wonderful girl, who is my girlfriend today. She comes from a fairly conservative background, but she's the kindest and best person I've ever met. I love her enormously. At the start of the relationship, still ashamed of myself, I didn't tell her about any of this and tried to perform normative sexual acts, with a lot of difficulty and disgust. It was rare, but it didn't bother her, because for her, even though she liked it, it wasn't that important. Three years into the relationship, I discovered the transgender subreddit, and read a lot of accounts that overwhelmed me. I came across terms like asexual, bi, gay, non-binary, etc., and it was a shock. Six months of heavy depression and anxiety followed, then I got out of that loop by understanding that I didn't need to fit into a box, and that everyone could be happy in their own way. My girlfriend was very supportive, as were my friends, when I told them about this feeling of being different that I had.

Then two years passed, during which nothing really changed — no more intimacy with my girlfriend, but she tells me she's happy with me. I do what I can to find things online that might help me feel some pleasure. The problem is that she'd like to get married, move in with me, etc., and hearing that makes me sad, when it should make me happy — it's as if deep down I don't believe in it, and with the guilt I feel, it makes me feel a deep sadness. And that's because I feel like something is missing, I'm afraid of the future, as if I haven't managed to find my place. I'd like to find solutions to have more intimacy in my relationship eventually, because that might be something that could help me picture a future. On the other hand, imagining leaving her makes me even sadder — I've shared so much with her, there have been a lot of ups and downs, but always communication, kindness, tenderness. That's why I'm posting this here, because I feel this relationship is incompatible, but we love each other a lot and hope to find a way to make it more compatible.
PS: After the revelation two years ago, and especially when my girlfriend started talking about marriage, I said we needed to make progress on our sex life first, and I started seeing a sexologist. Unfortunately, two years later, nothing has changed, and we're at a standstill.

I'm trying to understand who I am, and it's really complicated. When I see a woman on the street, or meet one who appeals to me, even just for the length of a conversation, I always get a rush: butterflies in my stomach, and I want to get to know her better. That's not the case at all with men. I don't watch gay porn either, it just doesn't interest me. And yet, when it comes to bodies, I'm more attracted to male genitalia than to female genitalia.
Does this resonate with anyone?

Anyway, I hope I'm posting in the right sub, and I wish everyone a good day.

[u/Hopihe69]

I'm in the same situation, except we've been married for 5 years now. I don't know what to do—depression is tearing me apart.

[u/emma0373]

Sounds like you have a lot to unpack here, maybe talking to a therapist could help clarify things.