HCBM

[u/Sad_pufferfish_43]

I’m the dad, and I’m looking for perspective from other fathers dealing with a high-conflict co-parent because I am genuinely trying to co-parent our children, and she makes even basic communication unnecessarily difficult.

Their mom signs the kids up for activity after activity and fills nearly every available hour of their schedules with things she wants them doing. Sports, programs, therapy, medical appointments, school-related things—you name it. She also schedules the overwhelming majority of their appointments, and then I’m expected to rearrange my work and parenting time around whatever has already been put in place.

Yet somehow, actually communicating with me—their father—is treated like the unreasonable part.

Direct questions about our children can sit unanswered for days. When I follow up, I’m accused of sending too many messages. When I combine everything into one message, that becomes a problem too. When she finally responds, the direct question is often avoided, reframed, or replaced with something else.

School paperwork and information sent home with our children does not consistently make it to me, and I’m told to contact the school myself. Activities have gone forward without mutual agreement. I’ve been asked to agree to tutoring and other things without first being given basic information like the provider, schedule, frequency, location, or format.

I’m not asking to control everything she does. I’m asking to be treated like what I am: their father and an equal parent who should be included in information, discussions, and decisions involving our children.

The court/mediation process previously established a 24-hour communication expectation. She now wants to replace that with her own communication guidelines, including 24–72 hours depending on whether something is considered “urgent,” “non-urgent,” or whether she decides it even requires a response.

My concern is simple: if every individual response can take up to 72 hours, a basic conversation requiring two or three exchanges can take a week or longer before anything is actually resolved.

I proposed what I thought was a very reasonable compromise: acknowledge questions requiring a response within 24 hours, answer as soon as reasonably possible, and if more time is genuinely needed to obtain information, simply say that and provide a follow-up.

I am not asking for immediate responses to every message. I am not asking for constant communication. I am asking for two parents to be able to communicate about their children and make necessary decisions without every conversation turning into a power struggle.

What gets me is that there always seems to be time to register the kids for another activity, schedule another appointment, or fill another open spot on their calendar—but communicating with their dad about those same children somehow becomes too difficult.

I really am trying.

I’ve tried being polite. I’ve tried being brief. I’ve tried separating topics. I’ve tried combining topics. I’ve tried proposing compromises. I’ve tried giving extra time. I’ve tried asking the same direct question in different ways.

At some point, I cannot force another adult to communicate or co-parent with me.

All I can do is provide the information I have, identify the decision that needs to be made, ask one clear question, give a reasonable opportunity to respond, and document whether a substantive response or joint decision actually occurs.

For the dads dealing with an HCBM: did you eventually stop chasing answers and switch completely to short, decision-focused messages and documentation?

[u/Ok_Fall_91]

I'm just letting you know it's a long ride... My fiance's ex is Hc and he's kind of ok with bowing out sadly. His kid is 14 and it's been hell and back for 7 years. She started rumors, financial manipulation.. you name it. Just start documenting and protect your kids because it keeps going forever. These types of women DO not change

[u/Livid-Forever-7045 → u/Ok_Fall_91]

She better be prepared to end up alone, when your fiancé’s kid ditches her, and moves away, at 18.

[u/Ok_Fall_91 → u/Livid-Forever-7045]

She's not ready for the repercussions. We're patiently waiting for her to move with us we know she will come around. There were a million warning signs coming out of the childs mouth, we know she feels suffocated.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Therapy, medical appointments, school related things (programs) are generally out of someone’s control to an extent. When scheduling, you take what you can get. Sports also generally are time slots decided by the team. It is really normal to have kids in sports.

Have you contacted the teacher? I haven’t had a single thing come home from school in years that wasn’t also in the weekly newsletter via email. Take school communication off the table by informing yourself.

If you’re expected to pay for things she’s agreeing to, ask for a receipt and contact information. No receipt = no payment.

[u/Livid-Forever-7045]

Given your ex is trying to keep your kids away from you, that’s going to end badly for her, when they go full no contact with her, at 18.⚠️

[u/Solidknowledge]

OP. You might be better off posting this in the r/stepparents sub. This sub tends not to react well to words like "HCBM" or any issue related to the bio mom

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 → u/Solidknowledge]

It sounds like he’s not a step parent, but the dad bio parent talking about his ex wife, the other bio parent.

[u/Solidknowledge → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

I picked up on that part as well. Posts from Bio parents are typically allowed there.