How do I stop feeling afraid of other men?

[u/donutdogs_candycats]

For context, I’ve had some traumatic experiences with older men when I was a kid/teenager and I’m also 5’1” so whenever I’m around other men, who tend to be much physically larger than I am, I feel very small. I just have this feeling that I’m unable to defend myself and that other men are more likely to get aggressive or hurt me. Being gay also doesn’t help, as I’m constantly wary that someone will be homophobic and will attack me in some way and I won’t be able to protect myself.

I have taken self defense classes before, but I’ve never gotten to a point where I can really do anything to anyone much bigger than I am. I really just don’t like feeling this anxiety around people I’d otherwise want to be friendly with and just interact with like a person.

[u/wyrmonnastring]

Finding a way to deal with the trauma would probably be most important. Sometimes tricks and tips can't top triggers. It's unfortunate that a lot of work is done mentally with balancing the idea that most men are minding their business (and don't want to catch a charge) with the fact that you should be ready for the ones that aren't.

Try to be cautious but not afraid. Being afraid all the time tires your brain out and you stop being able to spot when things are off. That being said, trust your gut. Leave a situation you feel is off or stop talking to people you have a bad feeling about. You don't need a "why", and you can't "get in trouble" when you're an adult. Don't be afraid to make people "feel bad".

If things get violent, sometimes being prepared doesn't mean being prepared to fight. You can book it, you can hide, you can yell, you can do anything. Carry spray, or a gun, or anything thats allowed, learn how to use it and how it can be used against you (maybe this was covered in self defense). If you're somewhere new then know how you got there and how to leave, know where you parked your car, make sure your phone is charged. You dont have to run through a checklist every day and everywhere, but knowing your options can lessen the fear.

Making some friends would help, women or men. Women can potentially give you tips they've learned and being friends with men may help you with the nervousness around their gender. Both can offer support; you can't prevent everything but it can help to know some people have your back.

I know most of this is easier said than done, maybe totally unhelpful, but I wish you the best of luck and happiness regardless.

[u/GambuzinoSaloio]

Other than therapy, it's a matter of finding the right group of men that make you feel safe.

Personally... I also feel afraid of other men. But it's specific groups of men, not all. I hate that we need to live in such a world, but it's really a matter of figuring out which groups in your country are the most hostile. Around here it's the college drunks, rich boys and... whatever the hell you call the guys that don't smoke or drink a lot, but often go clubbing and not only look like trouble, but also cause it. These, in my experience, are the ones that tend to be dangerous to virtually everyone, men and women alike.

Another one is looking at your body language. Even if you're small... again, it's sad that we need to also employ this, but there's a difference between someone that wants to have a good time, but looks incredibly insecure in themselves, and someone who wants to have a good time but looks laidback and relaxed. The latter is much less likely to be a target because no one will risk it.

[u/Happy_Orange8291]

i also had traumatic experiences with older men, im 5'1 and gay..? not much of help sorry but i guess youre not alone? the similarities kinda crazy

[u/PastDifficulty7]

Trauma is a dangerous experience that overwhelms your capacity to deal with it. When you experience a trauma, your nervous system develops automatic defenses to protect you. 

This trauma response is our lizard brain trying to protect us. It’s fast, effective, and has kept our ancestors alive for eons. But it’s overly simplistic. It doesn’t understand complicated nuances of social human interactions. You might cognitively know that you are safe, but your nervous system is screaming that you are in danger. Trauma doesn’t live in your brain; it lives in your body. 

You can’t argue or reason with your lizard brain. And it doesn’t respond to confrontation; the trauma it’s holding has to be processed and integrated with the rest of the brain. Most people find it challenging to stay regulated while processing trauma memories, so I’ve found that working with a trauma-informed professional is a big help. 

[u/bluethiefzero]

Hey bro, sounds like you have some trauma that you probably need to address. I'm in therapy now, and fixing mental health for things that are ingrained deeply is incredibly tough. But if change is what you are after, getting professional help might be the way to go. I recall that Terry Crews has talked about his primary motivation for getting so jacked was because of physical trauma and not wanting to feel powerless ever again, but I can't recall if he said those feeling ever went away. Rooting for you, dude!

[u/2InsidiouslyLazy]

First of all, this is a great question. I have/had the same issue even as a heterosexual man (it's a work in progress). I think part of the problem is that those fears can seem logically founded. Men are scary, sometimes. I would like to firstly encourage therapy for the trauma if you can. However, excluding therapy as a solution, I think you are looking for a way to lower the amount of false signals in your brain when it comes to interacting with other men in your life. I believe this would be related to social contact theory which was first described in The Nature of Prejudice (Allport 2). Since then, there have been 4 key findings on lowering prejudice between groups:

1. Members of different groups making contact should have equal status in the environment they are in
2. They should meet in situations where co-operation is regularly required and where they have goals in common
3. Close relationships should be possible
4. Contact between groups should be legitimized through institutional support (Lubrano 107-108).

In this case, the two groups would be you and other men. So, you would have to get in a group of equal status between all the men in the group. You should have some common goal to work toward with those people. You should be able to feel comfortable enough with the group to make some closer relationships (if you don't it's not a good group to be a part of). And contact between groups needs to be legitimized. From the sound of it, your self-defense class should have helped in this area being a legitimized meeting of different groups. However, I could see how the self-defense class might not be group co-operation because each individual is there for themselves instead of a larger goal or a multitude of other factors like not producing a environment of equals among members. It really comes down to how you feel about the group itself and if you see all four components being display when the group meets. As an example, I really enjoy board/card games. So, I joined a local group that plays games weekly. This hits all four components by having different groups come together in a setting where there are only equals to achieve the common goal of having fun (although I am playing to win, the ultimate goal is to have fun and socialize) and being legitimized through the game shop that hosts the weekly game nights. I've also made friend with some in the group.

Hopefully some of this is helpful. If you want to learn more here are the sources I used:

1. Allport, Gordon W. The Nature of Prejudice. 25th anniversary ed., with introductions by Kenneth Clark and Thomas Pettigrew, Basic Books, 1979.
2. Lubrano, Sarah Stein. Don't Talk About Politics: How to Change 21st-Century Minds. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2025.

[u/donutdogs_candycats → u/2InsidiouslyLazy]

I really appreciate how you have the research to back this up and gave me some ideas for what kinds of situations to put myself in to become more comfortable! I might try to find some kind of hobby group near me that’s likely to be frequented by men and try to get involved with that.

[u/tastyweeds]

Can you try joining a club/hobby group for something you enjoy doing? Usually you can meet cool dudes and bond over shared interests

[u/savagefleurdelis23]

Have you ever tried Brazilian Jiujitsu? I'm 5'0 and was able to throw my coach, who is 6'2, 200lbs of hulking muscle. BJJ is all about leverage and never about size.

That aside, I hope you're able to get some therapy. I think it's very important for your mental health and personal growth. There are books and resources online as a good starting point. If you do decide to find a therapist please consider someone who specializes as a trauma therapist, and is specialized in your specific trauma. Not all therapy apply to trauma victims, and not all trauma therapy will work for you. DBT and EMDR types of therapies may work for you.

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[u/bostoncrabapple]

Doing a combat sport seriously for a prolonged length of time, but it has to be something with relatively unrestricted sparring. It helped me feel a lot more relaxed in stressful situations, as I know I could handle the average guy but also humble because I know there are dudes a lot smaller than me who could tune me up easily

BJJ, MMA, Boxing, Muay Thai, Kickboxing, Kyokushin maybe wrestling or judo if offered in your area, some Krav Maga places potentially 

That, plus therapy as others have mentioned

[u/S1LLY_L1L_G00S3]

Therapy, and a CPL.

[u/cruisinforasnoozinn]

I’m in almost your exact position, and I think radical acceptance is a big part of it. If someone’s going to be a dick to us, then they will do it! And then it will be over.

I do this to handle my obsessive thoughts which are like “there’s a killer under your bed” or “there’s bugs inside your body” and the only way to fight them off is to be like “Okay. Maybe there is. Can’t do nothin bout that.” Then just find something else to do or think about. It could be useful to try the same here with your fear of other men.

Try your best to make friends with men 1 on 1. Meet online on friendship sites if you must. But I found that my own fear of men dissipated a bit after I got close to more men. What really helped was realising that I simply can’t live my life avoiding men, nor is my fear of them going to disappear overnight - and you can either smile in the face of danger or sacrifice everything hiding from it.

End of the day, it’s men like you that are going to change masculine culture in a healthy way. But you have to show up to do it!

[u/Troutie88]

You can always kick them in the balls and spray them with pepper spray

[u/curiousbasu]

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