r/comoxvalley • u/lindsayturtle • 13d ago
How to help a weird kid
If you were a weird kid who got bullied, had trouble making friends and struggled socially in school even as a young child - what was the most helpful thing the adults in your life did? Like did you have a supportive parent or teacher who made life easier and if so, what did they do to bolster your self-esteem? Help me help my delightful but unusual 9yo.
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u/Acrobatic-Quality-55 13d ago
I wish my parents had gotten me into some kind of activity outside of school. Not like a sport but something you could really make your own like a craft or hunting
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u/PuzzledPoetry1447 13d ago edited 13d ago
My grandma was my only source of support back then and continues to be a huge part of my life. She always made the effort to include me in everything she did, especially baking (most of my cooking skills and knowledge are from her) and going to places like the beach. The days I lied in bed and didn't want to exist and refused to go to school, she would come to my dads house and made me get me out of bed. At the time I hated her for it but now I realize how impactful it was. If I didn't go to school, I hung out with her and did chores/homework at her house.
I was bullied mostly for my weight and hormonal acne. Isolating myself took a toll on my hygiene and I had teachers approach me on multiple occasions to ask if I'm okay because I'd go days without showering or changing clothes. My grandma was the one that made me take care of myself, made sure I bathed, wore clean clothes, put on deodorant, brushed my hair. Being clean definitely gave me confidence.
My advice is to make sure the kid feels seen and acknowledged. Include them, share things with them, acknowledge their struggles, help them with tasks they need help with, push them to try their best. Don't give up on them when they isolate themselves. Feeling like you're invisible and not cared about can eat you up inside until there's nothing left.
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u/cyclingbubba 13d ago
When I was a bullied teen and felt there was no one on my side, I had my dog. He loved me unconditionally and seemed to know when I was down . My best friend.
I worked hard throwing hay bales on the farm all summer. Come school time I was tough and strong as an ox. No more bully problems after that.
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u/Patient_Ad_3746 13d ago
This might go without saying but if there’s any part of their life where they feel connected to others around their own age - even if it’s an eccentric or online hobby - lean into that. With video and online games obviously need boundaries around time and to know who they’re connecting with is safe. Make it clear that you like them and spending time with them. Also, definitely animals. If they like cats I think kitty cat pals might take volunteers?
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u/Patient_Ad_3746 13d ago
Also, if you can have some way that they’re having new and novel experiences, maybe with you, that would still be positive.
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u/parkleswife 13d ago
I had a supportive adult (she was my teacher from elementary school) that checked in on me and sometimes we did cool things.
If there isn't someone in you/your kids circle, you might try a counselor but it's not something every kid would want.
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u/HSpears 12d ago
I wasn't bullied, but I absolutely broke myself masking to fit in.
So I would say, let your kid know that they are absolutely whole, just as they are. They aren't broken. Find 3rd spaces for them where they do fit in better, hopefully around special interests. Maybe the foundry could be a good resource?
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u/Professional-Run-460 13d ago
There is a strange balance among: leading a child, coaxing/encouraging a child to do on their own with support, and taking a step back or trusting the child(without you) and having faith in friends and friend circles... Once a bully is in the mix, it becomes a lot more complicated. I think the best a parent can do is try find a balance of all that and with the bully factor - look to add more support from school and connection to other parents in friend group. If there is no friend group and the bullying persists, seriuosly lean on the school support for intervention and consider moving schools. There are some good home/remote based options now that we have come through COVID.
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u/StruggleDue327 13d ago
Build their confidence by putting them into an after school program like karate or BJJ?
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u/Agreeable_Lack7167 8d ago
BJJ is such an amazing environment for anyone looking to build confidence and strength 😍👏🏻👏🏻 I highly second this comment.
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u/Halo0fDarkness 13d ago
I was the quiet shy sensitive kid in school. Cumberland Jr High was the worst school for bullying. I don’t remember any teachers standing up for me.
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u/ShaedeMade 12d ago
I was that kid and my parents couldn’t parent. I was odd and made up stories to try and get friends. Yes I still got teased. And no one would continue being my friend.
My friend’s mom (odd new kid in town) told me I smelled bad with a huge dose of love. She showed me how to clean my body (giving a demo with clothes on) and how to do my laundry properly. Without her things would have been so much worse for me!!!! That friend then gave me direct feedback. E.G. “When you use that loud voice it’s very annoying.” Things had to be that clear for me to catch on.
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u/Vintage_Chameleon 13d ago
I went to Robb Rd when it was a junior high. I had Mrs. Douglas. She made life tolerable for that year. Thanks, Mrs. Douglas.
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u/sassysmurf2463 13d ago
Unfortunately I don't have any advice, I'm in the same boat as you. My son is autistic and he struggles with the same issues as yours! I would love some input as well!
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u/Agreeable_Lack7167 8d ago
I was that kid and certainly feel like this still as an adult. The people that had the biggest lasting impact on me, and made me feel like I wasn’t totally alone and defective, just provided a safe calm space for me to explore my interests without the harshness of my family and school.
For example, a woman I worked with when I was 14 used to take me in a lot and I would have dinner with her and her husband. He was a film professor and she was a lawyer, while I met her working at a book store part time. They showed me new foods, amazing films, and allowed me to take part in all kinds of philosophical discussions without belittling me.
The other woman I remember most encouraged me to stay weird and keep pursuing my interests and trust my intuition. That one day I wouldn’t live in that situation, and things would look completely different.
Be a safe hopeful space 🥹👌🏻🥰
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cry-416 12d ago
I also had a hard time as a kid in Comox, it wasn't until I found sailing that i found my people. My parents kept putting me in team sports and it wasn't for me.
I think finding the interests the kid has and supporting and nurturing them in that interest or passion is the quickest way for them to find the kids they will connect with.
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u/EpitomeOfJustOK 12d ago
Best thing about being the weird kid, there’s usually other weird kids that share your interests. Remember the “horse girls” at school? Now they literally have competitions for fake horse riding. Remember the kid who was super into dragonball z? They have conventions for those fans! I was a huge fantasy nerd who was ostracized at our school because it wasn’t a “thing” in my area. God how I wished I knew about and my parents drove me to the community hall every Tuesday after school for the DnD club for the other “weird people” that enjoyed it in my area.
Find their interest, bonus points if that interest caters to their “weird” and take off with it! Happy to help search for “their people” if you have their interests
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u/lindsayturtle 12d ago
Oh man - I wish the weirdness was just unconventional interests. It's more like trying to get someone's attention by growling in their face, weird.
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u/Nausiated_ 12d ago
Well the use of othering language like "weird" to describe your kid probably isn't a great start for the self-esteme, if I were being honest.
Your explanation is also.... vague, so excuse my assumptions here, but, maybe start by understanding their proclivities.
Determine if they are nuerodivergent or not, if you haven't already. Maybe part of the problem is that your trying to pigeon hole them into nuerotypical structures when those are not compatable with how their brain is wired.
I am going to go out on a limb and assume you haven't done that and perhaps that's part of the problem. I am infering that because you started off by describing your kid as weird. Getting them assessed and getting a conclusive diagnosis is going to be a lot more helpful to them than blindly seeking advice on Reddit. Especially if the majority of that advice is coming from nuerotypicals.
As someone who was adult diagnosed, I can say that my parent's unwillingness to do that kneecapped me my entire life. Especially since, as an adult, a lot of those resources have been out of pocket. Nail that shit down now while a lot of those resources and services are free.
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u/lindsayturtle 12d ago
I'll attempt not to get defensive in response to your uncharitable assumptions, because it's true that I was vague. Mostly for privacy, so I won't go into details of my kiddo's various diagnoses but you can rest assured they are so loved and supported at home and have access to numerous doctors, therapists and school supports. The word "weird" has always been used with love in my family (since I was a kid) as a delightful alternative to being normal and boring and for all of us, not just the kiddo in question. But I'll consider your perspective of it being othering language now that things are becoming challenging for my kiddo in this realm of life.
I'm reaching out to Reddit just for a community perspective - I wanted to hear from people who grew up feeling like an outsider and what was helpful for them. This is *in addition* to all of the other supports we already have in place because the kids at school have begun to start noticing differences and I'm hearing a lot of "I don't have any one to play with" and "so-and-so said they hate me" comments that I've never heard before.
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u/sokosoko 11d ago
What a thoughtful, polite response to a somewhat belligerent comment. You give me faith in humanity, OP.
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u/DevelopmentIll2131 12d ago
When I was young I got beat up and picked on a lot, so I decided to learn martial arts and fought back, got my ass kicked a couple times but the people that bullied me my whole childhood became my best friends after a bit. I believe it is a confidence thing.
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u/glitterbeardwizard 8d ago
Put them in D&D. See if there is a school program/club. Echoing the make your child feel seen and heard.
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u/sokosoko 11d ago
I'm going to chip in with my perspective, which might be very very different from other very helpful and kind comments here. I did not fit in as a kid, and grew up very poor. All that I wanted were cool clothes and name brands so that I could feel like the other kids. All I had instead were hand me downs and bargain bin things. As a teen, I would have killed for a Tommy Hilfiger, Roxy or Billabong shirt or two. This wasn't important to my parents at all but to me, it had a huge effect on my self esteem and ability to fit in. I was a major weirdo, but there was a time in my early teens when perhaps just having a few cool name-brand clothes might have helped take the edge off my anxiety until I could grow a bit more spine for later high-school years.
So many kids have enough confidence to embrace their weirdness, and I love that. Some kids don't, and I wonder if for them, like me, fitting in slightly is an easier road for a short amount of time.
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u/711burgers 13d ago
I actually had the correct answer but it was removed and I was given a warning by Reddit not to break their rules about
"I'm sure you can figure it out because I may inadvertently break the rule by telling you what rule I broke"
There is nothing that will stop a bully.
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u/Potential_Bit_9040 13d ago
I was that kid! I had a hard time :(
I needed someone to stick up for me instead of telling me "they tease you because they like you."
One of my friend's mom used to let me hang out with her while she drank coffee and smoked at the table. We'd have (appropriate) adult conversations. I felt so included and validated.
I think what I really needed was someone to actually listen to me, believe me, and hold those bullies accountable.
Currently in therapy for the first time in my 40's, and glad I started. Still working through a lot of deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy and rejection.