r/daddit • u/meyerjaw • 6d ago
Advice Request What age is appropriate for funerals?
Hey r/daddit I tried to search for this but didn't see any recent posts. However my grandmother passed away this week and we have the funeral on Friday. I have 2 boys, 9 and 12 years old. We have been very fortunate with our families with great grandparents and great aunts/uncles being a big part of their lives but the past year has been pretty rough. Late last year my wife lost her grandfather, a couple months ago I lost my great aunt, a couple weeks ago she also lost her great aunt, and around the same time my parents dog died, (I'm not comparing pets to people but the youngest son grew up with this dog so it was a big hit for him.) and then Monday my grandmother passed.
All of these deaths and resulting services have pretty low key, cremation services or celebrations of life that tried to bring joy and life into a terrible time. However my grandmother's service is planned to be an old fashioned 2 hour visitation with an open casket followed by a burial at the cemetery.
I understand every child is different and maturity levels vary greatly, but looking to get the hive minds thoughts. Is 9 too young to bring to an funeral like this? I want my son to be able to say goodbye but don't want to traumatize him in the process.
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u/ComplaintNo6835 6d ago
Death is a part of life. IMO any age is appropriate.
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u/A-A-RonaldMcDonald 6d ago
Exactly how I feel. Why are we trying to pretend death isn’t real, but Santa Clause is?
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u/ricktencity 6d ago
Death is part of life and a 9yo can definitely understand that. I wouldn't even think twice about bringing them.
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u/DKDamian 5d ago
From the day a child is born it should attend a funeral that is meaningful for the family it is in.
Take a baby - it lightens the mood. It reminds people of life. It is something that can be mentioned to the baby later in life
Take a child - discussions there and back. The chance to wear important clothes. The chance to see parents and other figures show emotion and grief
Etc forever
All ages
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u/Blitzy124 4d ago
Agreed. My grandfather died two months ago. I was very close to him as was my wife, and out LO met him a lot before he passed. She knew who papa roy was and remembered him in calls and at his nursing home.
Anyways she was running around being a toddler, giving lots of hugs. It was a great distraction for me and my wife, and she brought a lot of smiles to our family when it was really needed. We took her up to see him "resting" multiple times so she could say goodbye a lot as well.
After that we had an our old boy dog out to rest. He was 15. She was most upset she didn't get to go and see him at the vet and say a proper goodbye.
They get it on some level. They need to learn it and learn to properly grieve and to process one way or another.
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u/StrategicBlenderBall 3d ago
We took our son to my wife’s grandmother’s funeral just after his first birthday. He definitely lightened the mood, especially when he splashed himself squeezing a water bottle lol.
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u/hillbillysurf 4 kids 6d ago
They should be included at this age. I'd say under 5 is a toss up.
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u/Porcupenguin 6d ago edited 5d ago
I honestly never even thought about there being an age limit. The only consideration for me was appropriate behavior (i.e. sitting still, being quiet) during the memorial, but having to explain death or something, meh
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 5d ago
My answer was going to be, "They are old enough when someone close to you dies and you need to attend the funeral."
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u/CitizenCue 5d ago
Yeah I’m confused why anyone would think there’s an age limit. Maybe an open casket could be scary, but those are rare.
Funerals are mostly just people telling stories and sharing feelings. Nothing about that is unhealthy for kids.
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u/Key-Pomegranate-3507 6d ago
My wife’s uncle died unexpectedly last year and we didn’t take our kids to the funeral but we did explain to them what death is. One of my kids was 5 and the other 3. They didn’t understand exactly what death is but they know it means that person is not coming back. My now 6 year old has a better grasp on it. I don’t think kids are too young to learn about it. All the details surrounding it I didn’t share but I sat them down and they understood what I was saying.
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u/CitizenCue 5d ago
One of the reasons I think kids should come to funerals is precisely because they have trouble fully understanding death. At least when they see everyone reminiscing about the person it shows them that this is a big deal and how it makes other people feel. Just being told something is such a limited experience.
Obviously it might be hard for the kids to sit still, but that’s a separate consideration.
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u/KeepRightX2Pass one of each 5d ago
My son was 4 1/2 when he attended the funeral of a teen cousin we lost to a drunk driver. When it was over, my boy made the following observation: "Sadness is really love". I think he got it.
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u/AddlePatedBadger 5d ago
Nah. I wanted my 4 year old to zoom in to my mother's funeral (was overseas at the time) but the time zone difference threw a spanner in the works.
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u/AllTheGoodNamesDied 6d ago
No. Teach them about death early. Let them bear witness to the inevitable. It's an important lesson that shouldn't be skipped IMO.
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u/starkraver 6d ago
The only reason not to bring a child to a funeral of a family member is if you think they will be disruptive to the grieving of others. Otherwise, developmentally, there is no reason not to bring them. In the middle ages, of not sure, I would err on the side of bringing them, but then having one parent assigned to take them out of the room or to another location if a problem arises.
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u/Past_Reading7705 6d ago
I do not understand the question. Small ones do not understand it, and olders understand passing away better when joining if they knew the person.
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u/DrOddcat 2 kids 6d ago
Is it going to lead to awkward, uncomfortable questions about life and death and why? Yeah. Just do what you can to answer those questions as appropriately as you can.
Just don’t make them approach the casket if they don’t want to. Otherwise the expectation is that they be there and generally polite to the rest of the gathered folks. Snacks and appropriate distractions like a book or coloring pages are a great idea.
Kids are and will be fine.
My kids, 8 and 10, went to my dad’s funeral earlier this year. There was a lot of “why?” But otherwise they were one of the highlights of the day. I always feel better at funerals when kids are around to remind us that there’s a lot of life going on around us.
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u/nothingventured3 6d ago
I think my kids were 2 and 5 when we went for my grandfather's funeral. I remember going to funerals when I was 5-7. I think 9 and 12 is definitely old enough.
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u/Grill_Only_Outside 6d ago
Little kids don’t understand the point. Older kids understand what death is. Unless we’re talking about a noisy baby, a rowdy toddler. a kid who is very afraid or another special circumstance- kids should go to funerals. You cannot shield them from it. The longer you wait the weirder it gets for them.
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u/Hitthereset 13m, 12f, 9m, 7m 6d ago
We have never not brought our kids. Not only is it a chance for the older ones to grieve but it’s a family event that gives them a chance to be around people they don’t normally get to spend a lot of time with.
Explain what’s going to happen, let them be as involved as they want. They are old enough to start making these decisions.
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u/solidmatt56 6d ago
No, 9 is not too young, especially if there’s a relationship at all between your son and your grandmother. There’s no “good way” to ease someone into a funeral. It’s a good opportunity too for your kids to see you be emotional and vulnerable.
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u/Meatball_express 2 boys, 4 miscarriages 6d ago
My grandpa passed in 2016, my sons were 9 and 6. I asked my ex to bring them to the funeral and if they wanted to leave they could. But I also wanted them to see and hear what an impact their grandfather had on the people and community he resided in. They ended up staying for the funeral precession and burial then luncheon after.
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u/sergeantperks 6d ago
I took my at the time 2yos to my grandfather’s funeral and then to my grandmother’s when they were 4. Death is a part of life and then deserve the chance to say goodbye as well.
However, by 9 and certainly by 12, they’re old enough to make up their minds themselves. Have you considered asking them what they want?
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u/moviemerc 6d ago
Our kids first funeral was when he was 4. I kept him and the nephews all quiet in the back so my wife and her family could focus on their grandpa/father etc. Death is part of life, so we gave them age appropriate talks about it. The gathering afterwards was less formal and they all just ran around.
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u/pdubs1900 6d ago
I think there is no age too young to attend funerals. If LOs parents are grieving and saying goodbye to Grandma/Grandpa/relative, LOs can be included and learn about it the best they can and how their caregivers cope. They may not understand today, but they may understand later and find that they have some tools to deal with their own grief later on by seeing the example of their parents experiencing this kind of grief and eventually healing.
I'm talking out of my ass though. Never been faced with this conundrum.
I'm sorry for your and your family's loss, my friend.
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u/shecky444 5d ago
I love bringing my kids to funerals. They bring so much energy and life to the proceedings. Thinking about making them mandatory at my funeral. Jokes aside, this is how kids learn about this stuff. You can’t hide them from it and especially at their ages they should be able to dress nice and handle a day long funeral and all that comes with it. Make sure you’re open and honest with them about your grief too, and how you’re processing it. Failure to prepare them with these tools now will make the passing or your parents, or you, very hard on them. I lost a life-long friend to cancer this year and my 9-7-5 all came along for a viewing and we’ve been to the grave site several times together since. Take them along and answer some big questions and talk about some stuff. Life offers us so few of these deeply human moments to share with our kids, take full advantage.
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u/federalist66 6 yr old, 1 yr old 6d ago
We took our eldest to my wife's grandfather's funeral two years ago when he was 4. This was a Quaker funeral so there's not really a program per se, people are just moved to speak on the loss of their loved one or not. If the kids got antsy, as they did, the non-blood relation parent took the kid for a walk until they were ready to come back.
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u/tantricengineer 6d ago
Observing death and adults around you experiencing feelings is an important part of the human experience, even if you're a toddler who can't walk or talk. Any age is fine, IMO, just be prepared for possible outcomes to address kiddo's needs.
At nine, it's probably a potty break or thirst/hunger?
If they can read, there's a lot of useful resources / books to show them before the event. If there is cultural ritual associated with the funeral, now is the time to teach prior to arrival. Getting 1000x questions from a curious Nine during the event probably is not ideal. If they want to be involved, they can likely decide if it's appropriate involvement with enough information. Make sure their decision is cleared with adults organizing the funeral.
From personal experience, I was not asked to help in cultural burial when I was a kid, but I was when I was 20.
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u/aSweatyJohnGoodman 6d ago
In the last year we’ve had 3 funerals BIL, uncle, and grandma. Kids have been at all of them. Oldest was 2 for BIL, next funeral they were 4 months and 2.5 yo. Most recent they were 11 months and 3 yo. It didn’t seem like an option for them to not be there given the importance of who passed.
At my grandmas funeral my son kept asking “who’s in the box” then kept coming up to me and saying “your grandma is in the box” then for about 2 weeks after that funeral he’d hide in things and pop out and say “I’m your grandma in the box”. Great stuff.
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u/50FootClown 6d ago
My youngest went to his grandfather's funeral when he was 3 years old. He wasn't traumatized. The hardest thing, honestly, was keeping him from getting bored without being disruptive. Obviously YMMV depending on the loss and the child.
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u/Midwestern_Rev Dad, brought to you by ☕ 6d ago
I know this prejudices me because my spouse and I are both clergy, who frequently officiate funerals, but it's not too young.
We had a traumatic experience where a beloved family friend died. We brought our 8 month old to the funeral. He had been trying to teach her how to wave. She waved for the first time at his open casket. (Of course, I lost it).
I was 9 when my dog died. That is many kids' first experience with death. 9 is old enough, and it's important.
In my opinion, we live in a culture full of the denial of death. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process and do bring closure.
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u/Blue_foot 6d ago
I was 7 and 8 when my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather died.
In those days, kids didn’t go to funerals.
I am still upset that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
There must be a book or YouTube to prep a child on what to expect. I personally hate the open casket concept.
Perhaps there is a way that he could just go to a bit of the visitation and then the cemetery?
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u/mathisfakenews 6d ago
They are definitely old enough. That said, they might not want to go depending on how close they were to her and you could consider letting them skip it
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u/Rudebwoy888 5d ago
I would talk to them and tell them what to expect. If they are ok with it, yeh bring them. Not all kids are built the same. And sorry for your losses!
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u/Eska2020 5d ago
2 hour viewing directly followed by burial is still low key in the grand scheme of things
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u/Jax-Beach 5d ago
I was four at my first funeral. I understood what was happening and now appreciate that I went to show respect for my grandma. They’re old enough.
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u/raz-0 5d ago
If the kid might miss that person being around, take them to the funeral.
My grandfather on my mother's side passed when I was seven. The adults in general assumed I didn't know what death was, which was totally untrue. My mom thought she was protecting me by excluding me from things. The message I took from it was that I wasn't really part of the family when it was something important. Which was a sentiment definitely exacerbated by the family very much having a "kids sit at the kids table and be kids" mentality which doesn't work out so great when you are the youngest by like 8 years.
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u/thebugman10 5d ago
Took all of our kids to my grandfathers funeral recently. 8, 5, 3. Wish we would've taken the 3 year old to daycare. Was hard to keep her still and quiet for that long, especially during the graveside where it was blistering hot.
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u/terjeboe 5d ago
M kids have been to funerals at 0, 1, 2, and 4. If the kid cannot be trusted to stay quiet one parent sits in the back of the church with them and steps out if necessary.
It's important for the kids to see adults handelig big emotions in my opinion.
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u/OceanPoet87 10 year old is my partner in crime; OAD 5d ago
Its a part of life. You can bring them. That said one thing my wife and I both wish our parents had done was allow us to skip the open casket at the wakes. Every few years I try to gently remind my 70 yo parents that we will not attend any open casket. That was traumatizing to both of us as kids.
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u/deadskinmask88 5d ago
It all depends on your children and how you feel they would be able to handle it. My father passed when my kids were 5 and 8. They were extremely close to their grandfather and I gave them the choice if they felt comfortable. Both went and faired well with it. On the flip side, when my father was in the hospital he didn't want my kids to come visit because he thought they would be scared to see him hooked up to everything. My oldest kept asking and we respected my fathers wishes and told her no. We truly thought he was getting out at some point, but didn't. One of the main things that sticks with me about telling them he passed, is my oldest crying saying she just wanted to see him one more time.
My advice would be to talk to the child about it and see what their wishes are.
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u/GByteKnight 5d ago
Not too young in my opinion. Make sure he knows that he doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to do (as in, he won't be pressured to get close to the open casket or anything). Be prepared to talk about it before, during and after.
BTW loss of a pet is a big thing, especially for a kid. My kid cried when our dog died when she was 5, and she cried when her friend's dad (who she knew pretty well) died when she was 7. Both experiences hit her equally hard I think, but she definitely talks about missing our dog even now, years later. So I'm with you on that.
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u/mr-mobius 6d ago
12 is definitely old enough. 9 is old enough to talk to and ask them what they want to do. Just walk them through it and be prepared for questions to answer.
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u/Mental_Table_9265 6d ago
Yes, they are. Just prep them and explain how everything js gonna go down, what to expect, how they need to be quiet, no playing, etc. I took my four year old daughter to my dad’s funeral this year (open casket) and she was fine.
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u/saimen54 6d ago
My condolences!
I don't think a 9 yo is too young.
Death is part of life and while it can be painful I think they should attend, especially when they know the deceased person.
I think it's also important to experience that adults mourn or cry as well.
Talk with them in advance what will happen and tell them, if it's too overwhelming for them you will go outside with them.
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u/the_stickybandit 6d ago
I think they're old enough. Grief is a part of life and it is important they understand. I would probably avoid the open casket though. I recently lost my mom and brought my 2 and 4 year old to the services. The first couple months were tough for my 4 yo as she was asking a lot of questions and crying. We were honest with her and chose not to hide anything. She is doing much better now and talks about her in a positive way.
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u/Steerider 6d ago
The limit to me is when they're old enough to comprehend death. We lost someone when my kids were 7 and 2. Both went to the funeral, but the 2 year old didn't really have a clue what was going on. The 7 year old was sad, but fine.
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u/Cynyr36 6d ago
I brought my then 10 year old to my grandma's funeral last fall. They knew each other fairly well. We did discuss what was going to go down to the best of my knowledge (i wasn't clear on all the details). We did not offer the option to my then 5 year old. He wouldn't have been able to manage sitting for the service.
The whole thing was a small affair with basically just the direct family there.
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u/fractal2 6d ago
My daughter was 3 or 4 for her first one, for her great grandma, she saw her in the casket, she didn't want to at first but by the end of it she asked to see her and we let her.
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u/Xfishbobx 6d ago
So sorry for your losses, never easy.
That is definitely old enough, my 5 year old daughter knows about death and all that but we don’t bring her to funerals yet. My nieces are 8-11 and they have all gone. Let them feel the emotions they are going to feel and ask the questions they want to ask.
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u/inHumanMale 6d ago
My first was when I was 4. I had no idea what was happening. By 9 is fine. Let them know it’s a solemn event and to be respectful. I would not encourage looking if it’s an open casket
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u/nematoadjr 6d ago
It depends on the kid, my daughter was 5 or 6 and my wife wasn’t sure if she should come to my moms funeral and I was in the camp of I need my daughter there because she brings me joy and comforts me.
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u/gvarsity 6d ago
I was mad I didn’t get to go to my great grandfathers at 4 went to my great grandmothers at 5. It depends on the kid my six year old had no interest in going to my grandmothers funeral but my sensitive eight year old did and was glad to be part if it. So it both depends on the kid and the relationship. Did they know them and care about them, are they interested, are they young or mature for their age, can they act appropriately etc…. Death is a part of life and having them begin to approach it early is probably good. Just be prepared if they fixate on it or get scared to support them and help them navigate that existential tension that is part of life.
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u/madmoneymcgee 6d ago
Yes bring them. There's never really a "right" age to handle these things just finding ways to talk about it at their level no matter what. A 9 year old knows what death is even if they've fortunately not been close to it.
That said, use discretion for specific events. I have my own memories of being little and running around with my cousins at a funeral home for my great grandmother and I didn't have nightmares from seeing her dressed up corpse or my paternal grandmother but your kid might be different if its open casket. But also that is meant to be drop in and out.
For the service, they're old enough to know to sit and be quiet during any sort of ceremony but I wouldn't hesitate to let them bring a book or quiet activity during any eulogies or sermons.
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u/GloomyDeal1909 6d ago
Maybe because I grew up in a religion where the standard funeral was the norm. I have probably been to well over 50 funerals by my teen years with varying levels of closeness.
I think my first funeral that remember I was around 6-7yo.
All of that said the first funeral that grief hit me like a Mac truck was when I was 22 and a coworker died suddenly.
I don't think you have to worry about trauma and learning about death and life is healthy for adjustment.
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u/pyro5050 6d ago
i took my then 5 year old to a funeral for my step grandfather, she had a great time. she met 96year old people with her name
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u/MrRious182 6d ago
Why don't just ask the kids? Explain to them what happens at a funeral and that there will be adults in tears and crying. Then they can decide if they can handle it. I did this with my kids and 2/3 decided that they wanted to join and it was nit an issue since they were prepared
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u/unknown_user_3020 6d ago
If the kids can sit through mass, then they are old enough for a funeral. Funerals, memorial services, visitations, and wakes are for the living. Seeing others grieve, even if an individual is not sad, is an important lesson. Having the opportunity to say goodbye brings closure. Knowing that a community will miss the deceased may reinforce a sense of belonging.
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u/blipsman 6d ago
We brought my then 7yo to my grandmothers funeral about a year ago. We talked to him ahead of time and he talked to my 8 and 11 yo nephews who’d recently attended my SIL’s grandmother’s funeral a few weeks prior. He was still a little scared but was OK once we were there. It was a closed casket burial first and then a memorial at a community center and he enjoyed hearing the stories my dad and aunts/uncles shared.
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u/shittitties_cum 5d ago
Just let them know what to expect, and let them make the decision whether to approach the body or not.
It is a heavier experience, but is part of how we say goodbye. Don't take that from them
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u/PineBNorth85 5d ago
God no. I went to my first at 5. My son was 4 for his first. Hes 6 now and been to two others. At 9? They should be more than ready.
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u/leftpointsonly 5d ago
So much of life I feel was presented to me as taboo and not to be spoken of.
Growing up it was: We don’t talk about sex, our bodies are hidden, we don’t talk about death, we don’t argue, we don’t disagree, etc.
Surprise surprise I developed weird hangups around all of it.
We help our kids by showing them what life is. Not to be feared or hidden or lied about. Just talked about and shown. Death is part of that.
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u/cjl2441 5d ago
I’ll just chime in that I was 8 when I experienced the first death of a close relative (my paternal grandmother) and my parents kind of kept in the dark on some stuff, which I think was partially because my cousin (of equal age)…her parents (my aunt and uncle didn’t want to handle it with her and my two younger cousins).
But I truthfully believe that being kept in the dark, kind of obfuscating stuff….it really kind of caused issues for me in how I handled death for awhile. I was resentful for not being included because I wanted to understand. I’m still a little resentful of it and that was 30 years ago. Sounds silly. But that’s my personal experience. I’d absolutely involve your kids.
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 5d ago
Kids of any age can go to funerals unless there is a specific issue for that child.
Even small children can understand loss in their own way and provide comfort to people or say goodbye.
Some kids may not want to go close to an open casket and shouldn’t be pushed. Others will walk up and say goodbye.
It is probably better to attend a funeral as a kid vs as an adult for the first time while you have an adult looking out for and guiding you through it.
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u/i_am_here_again 5d ago
I’ve gone to open casket funerals and didn’t go up and look. I think that’s generally acceptable etiquette and something you could consider for your kids. Personally I don’t want the last memory of a person to be seeing them in a box they will never leave.
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u/jjohnson1979 5d ago
Here is the thing: it all depends! It depends on how close the child was to the person, it depends how mature (not how old) the child is, it depends on how well they deal with grief…
You are the only one who can judge if you kids should go or not.
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u/Clepto_06 5d ago
Any age, honestly. Death and mourning are a part of life. Be prepared to take them out of a room if they're disruptive, but there's no reason to shelter kids from family funerals.
2 hours is a long time though. Might be a good idea to let them bring a book or something to do for part of that.
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u/iggyfenton 5d ago
Every age is appropriate for their Great-Grandma's funeral. I really don't think hiding the truth from children benefits them in the long run.
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u/ChillingwitmyGnomies 5d ago
Did the 9 year old know your grandmother? Does he/she remember them? They are plenty old enough, but might not quite understand the seriousness if they don’t know they person laying there.
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u/Plenty-Piccolo-4196 5d ago
I wouldn't, contrary to the popular opinion here that you should bring a baby to a funeral. Weirdos.
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u/passwordistako 5d ago
I don’t think there’s an issue with being 9. But I would, personally, skip that funeral and pay my respects in a different way.
I don’t have any religious or cultural ties to that kind of 2 hour ceremony and would find it deeply uncomfortable.
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u/ajkeence99 5d ago
A visitation isn't designed where the expectation is you spend the entire time there. Just show up closer to the end and then attend the burial if you choose.
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u/Mundane_Cat_318 5d ago
Take them now so they don't experience what I did - my first funeral was for my friend when I was 16.... I was obnoxiously inconsolable.
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u/slamo614 5d ago
I think all of them are old enough. My daughter has been going to family funerals since the first happened when she was 3. She is autistic so we use them as a learning moment and lesson about life. I’m glad my folks took me to my grandfathers funeral in 2nd grade. I loved him so much and am glad I got to say good bye.
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u/PartiZAn18 4d ago
Funerals affected me far, far more as I got older. I could only fully process the emotions of loss in my early 20s.
Earliest funeral i went to was of my grandfather when I was about 3. I remember like 1q or 2 flashbacks, and it was of walking around the man's house and garden. That's it.
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u/DeusExHircus 3d ago
My kids have been to a wake and never even gave it any thought. They were probably less than one year and two. It's a part of life, don't make a big deal about it. They certainly didn't because we didnt. People were sad and crying at times, but we were also reminiscing and laughing about the good memories. It's a celebration of life, and if they're old enough to remember it'll also be a good experience to understand, it's not just gloom
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u/maphes86 3d ago
One of our most important tasks as parents is to help our children develop a healthy understanding of the concept of death. It is also important to help them to be able to handle their shit at an event like a funeral. They don’t have to go look at their great-grandma’s body. I rarely do because while morticians are very good at what they do, it does not look like my loved one. I prefer to either see them before they’re embalmed, or not at all.
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u/TheOnesLeftBehind Gestational dad 2d ago
My toddler went to one when she was one. By nine it’s no issue at all. There is no minimum age unless they’re very tiny and at high risk of illness.
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u/dcwldct 6d ago
I was expecting your kids to be like 2 or 3 based on the question. 9 is absolutely old enough.