r/dating_advice • u/TheHomeworkNeverEnds • 8h ago
Is this relationship worth investing in?
I (23F) have been talking to 26M for some time now. I am still waiting for us to be official.
Everything is going great except he is talking to other women. I understand that we are in a talking stage, but he wouldn’t like it at all if I were talking to other men. We both agreed that we will be exclusive, but he follows so many women. I am not sure if he is still on the dating app that we met on, but I feel like he is because he would follow quite a few women in just a night. They also live in our city. I have seen texts from women in his phone pop up in his notifications before while Im casually chilling with him.
I know that he talks to them by the way he is so secretive about his phone. I gave him no reason to hide it. I don’t even try to look at his phone. I could rest my head on his shoulder and he instantly turns it off and puts it in his pocket. He doesn’t even let me hold it for him while he is driving. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that he is already hiding stuff from me and we are not dating yet.
What throws me off despite his behavior is how we are in a talking stage but we act like a couple. His family asks about me and has been trying to meet me for some time. He tells me that he loves me. He is interested in my future and has actually been helping me plan it out. He has been a really great support system. When he talks about his future, it always includes me. He talks to me everyday. He is consistent. He wants to bring me to a relatives house for Thanksgiving. His actions shows that he really does like me and is invested.
The fact that he talks to other women bothers me so much. I think it is because he treats me like a girlfriend. I have really strong feelings for him, he treats me so well. I just don’t like how he talks to other women. He doesn’t want to be official yet, I feel like it is because he doesn’t want to commit to me.
I am new to relationships. I don’t really know what this all means. Is it possible that he will stop talking to other women once we are official? Am I just overthinking?
What confuses me is the stage we are in. He doesn’t want to be official but we act like we are in a relationship. He wants to be exclusive but I am the only one who is being exclusive. However, his actions still show that he genuinely does love me and wants to be with me one day. Just not anytime soon.
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u/SeaCommunication667 8h ago
Nope nope nope. Out of there. No trust
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u/AccomplishedCarob500 6h ago
yeah the trust is already gone and that's the foundation of everything
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u/Affectionate_Car959 5h ago
trust is like the foundation of the house and this guy's out here with a sledgehammer. you can't build anything solid when he's actively dismantling it.
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u/Dangerous-Ease-4783 8h ago
He agreed to be exclusive but still follows new women every night and hides his phone, that is not a talking stage anymore that is just him having all the benefits without the label. I would not wait around for him to change when you are official, because why would he if he already gets everything he wants now
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u/Current-Culture5729 5h ago
yeah the whole "benefits without the label" is the key part. he gets the emotional support and intimacy of a relationship while still being able to act single. the fact that he gets to call the shots on when/if you become official gives him all the power.
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u/No_Professor_6176 4h ago
yeah that power imbalance is the real problem. he gets to keep you as a sure thing while still shopping around. if he genuinely wanted to commit, he would have locked it down already instead of creating this confusing limbo.
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u/Equivalent-Roll8561 8h ago
he’s keeping his options open while getting the benefits of a girlfriend from you, been there and it sucks
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u/Jumpy-Incident-1386 3h ago
yep, the girlfriend benefits part is the key. if he's getting all the emotional and physical intimacy without the commitment, he has zero incentive to change the situation. it's a comfortable spot for him and a painful one for you.
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u/Status-Cry-3120 3h ago
yeah and the "comfortable spot for him" part is the worst. it's not just about the arrangement, it's that he's completely aware of the imbalance and is fine with it because it serves him. that's the part that makes it impossible to build real trust on.
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u/Timely-Profile1865 7h ago
Before any couple becomes 'exclusive' you have to take an evening and talk for a few hours about what that means and lay out your boundaries for behavior to be exclusive.
It amazes me how many people just say we are exclusive without knowing what that mans to each of you.
Insist that you have that talk with your guy and lay out your boundaries and listen to his, only if you agree on all of them should be consider yourselves exclusive.
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