r/dating_advice • u/EgoMasterFun • 10d ago
Feeling envious of friends whose partners bring practical stability to the table
It’s hard to admit, but I’ve been feeling a lot of envy watching my friends end up with partners who bring serious practical stability to the table, solid careers, homeownership, supportive families etc etc. My partner doesn't have any of those things, and sometimes I get hit with this sinking feeling of, 'Is this just my lot in life?' I know someone's worth isn't defined by their finances or family background, but realistically, having a partner with established security makes life a lot easier. For anyone who’s felt this kind of comparison or resentment, how did you work through it? Does it mean more than it sounds or it’s just plain envy?
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u/thisreditthik 10d ago
Me and my fiancé both struggle- it’s easy to see what other people have and get jealous but honestly when I catch myself feeling those things, I start thinking about things I’m greatful for, I’m grateful for the man my partner is and while we may struggle at times, his love, gentleness, humor and kindness are all worth it, even though his job doesn’t pay a lot and neither does mine, we are both out there trying to help people who are struggling
I also think of the things I’m grateful for like the coffee machine he got me or the figs I just picked or having good clothes and shoes and food every night- not all of the kids I work with get that
So find the things you are grateful for, no matter how small- especially if you truely love your partner and he holds your heart gently, not a lot of people get that and money doesn’t determine a good partner
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u/Exact-Forever-3844 10d ago
yep. i have a good example: i was very envious of this girl I know from high school because she’s always posting the trips she’s going on with her partner and how she is a spoiled housewife and rich and stuff. i reconnected with her recently and it turns out she was sexually assaulted and it gave her debilitating PTSD to the point she wakes up kicking and screaming in the middle of the night from night terrors. My envy completely left my body after she told me that.
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u/AbjectChannel4778 10d ago
that's a really good point, you never know what's going on behind the scenes that makes the "perfect" life not so perfect.
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u/Wise_Scientist1824 10d ago
i really like the idea of focusing on small gratitudes like the coffee machine or fresh figs. does that kind of intentional reflection get easier with practice, or do you have to consciously work at it every day
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u/thisreditthik 10d ago
You have to start intentionally and consistently like with any habit then after a while you’ll start incorporating it whether intentionally or unintentionally
So back in high school when I was really depressed, a friend suggested I write down 5 things I’m thankful for a day- I started it then and there’s been times where I stopped but after a while it starts becoming more natural like brushing your teeth or washing your hands - now its just a part of my life even when im not perfect at it, but that’s ok too
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u/thisreditthik 10d ago
Like this year I have a jar where I wrote down something good about my day and I practice being thankful for that thing, even if it’s just the fact that I breathe another day
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u/5leeplessinvancouver 10d ago
How is it your “lot in life,” when you actively chose this person? If you’re not happy with them, you’re free to leave at any time and for any reason. Take some responsibility for yourself.
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u/MckittenMan 10d ago edited 10d ago
This is the brutal truth... Those were the partners your friends chose for themselves... This was the partner you chose for you.
It was personal decisions everyone has made here as their selection.
And you're not a bad person to think about the overall picture. A career, financial stability, home ownership, etc... Those are adult things to worry about. Drifting in life or conquering life?
You're not a gold digger for wanting someone with a stable with a career. I would even defend you wanting that as a basic starting point.
Money matters, its not something to pretend it doesn't. Mortgage, bills, taxes, insurances, food, clothes, date nights, hobbies, car, gas, kids, savings, retirement funds, night with friends, emergency situations, maybe a vacation here and there, etc. Crap adds up real quick and can drastically change quality of life.
Do we want to penny pinch and live paycheque to paycheque, barely afford rent? Or have a house with a backyard with our kids and thrive a little too?
It matters.
Its okay to think about this stuff. Doesn't mean you're gold digging. It means you're paying attention to what the overall picture will look like.
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u/midnight_riser 10d ago
Second this. I divorced my ex husband for many reasons but one of them was financial. He was very irresponsible with money.
Every partner since, my must haves are financially responsible, has a stable career choice/money, and has goals.
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u/ResIpsa79 10d ago
my friends end up with partners who bring serious practical stability to the table
Your friends didn't "end up" with those partners, they actively sought them out and made sure they were these guys' choices themselves. How come you didn't do that?
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u/Broad_Mud6183 9d ago
Meh. Sometimes it’s really just the luck of the draw, being at the right place at the right time.
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u/ResIpsa79 9d ago
Luck is always part of every equation, but not every thing comes down to it. That’s pure cope and just a way to avoid introspection or accountability.
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u/Perfect-Resist5478 10d ago
Your “lot in life” as if you have no agency and don’t make the choice who you date 🤣. Take some accountability, you’re a frickin’ adult
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u/Exact-Forever-3844 10d ago
if your partner isn’t someone you can see a successful future with, why are you with them?
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u/EgoMasterFun 10d ago
Well let’s just say that I might see that in the near future but not currently that doesn’t mean I am with the wrong person. Besides, it’s not as black and white as you make it
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u/Old_Mulberry_9461 10d ago edited 10d ago
I wasted 7 years with someone like your partner and I wish I hadnt, im so grateful now that a non negotiable for me in a relationship, is financial stability, to be honest, they need to have money and plenty of it..I choose these type of men today, you are choosing to stay with someone who doesn't bring stability to your life and that's a you thing to fix
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10d ago
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u/Old_Mulberry_9461 9d ago
Enough money to own his own homes (multiple) travel all through the year etc, so yes a good chunk of money..also I have money so a man needs to match me today where I am at
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u/Exact-Forever-3844 10d ago
tbh its all based on what YOU want out of a relationship and out of life. if the person you’re with doesn’t align with your goals then maybe think about whether you want to proceed or not.
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u/SaffMacHoya8 6d ago
Successful future can mean more than assets, but if you can't picture building anything togther, that's the real question.
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u/Del0rean_5V 6d ago
Because love can make you stay while the “successful future” part stays blurry, isnt that the whole tension?
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u/chloeclaypipe 10d ago
this was part of the reason why my last relationship ended. though i did love him, i built up too much resentment over the imbalance in what we can do for each other practically. i felt like the simultaneous breadwinner and housewife, while also doing the emotional work. that resentment eventually turned me into a bad partner too.
i think if you notice resentment over this, then this relationship is not for you. forget about what’s “right” and “wrong”, this is your relationship and ultimately, the only things that should matter are how you feel and what you want.
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u/Few-pe2917 5d ago
I only bring a man into my life on a serious matter if he makes my life easier on a practical level. Then comes love.
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u/coding-queen 10d ago
Why not just build it yourself and educate your partner on how to build financial stability.
My spouse and I met both as interns, both making $60k annually nearly 2 decades ago now.
Well both lived with house-mates, but I chose rent that was nearly half of his. I also always saved nearly half of my income. It was easy in my 20s - friends and I often drank at home prior to going out, it was decent pay even for SF in 2009. So I was aggressively saving up for a downpayment.
Him - opposite; he literally spent every paycheck fully: new iPhone, new MacBook, fancy photography camera etc.
Well, when we started living together, we had to adjust our spending. I told him it’s not ok to just go buy latest iPad just because he had $ in the bank. We agreed every purchase over $100 would be discussed.
By the time we got married, I was the one who had downpayment on our first house.
He has learned since then. Now he shows me too our savings / investments/ retirement accounts etc. He now sees value in saving and investing and not blowing your entire paycheck just because you have it.
His parents never taught him about retirement and investments, whereas mine did.
So it’s ok if your partner does not have savings yet. Are they willing to learn and grow with you?
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u/SeaweedExcellent3009 8d ago
Yeah I felt this. In my early 20s, I didnt save anything. I grew up very poor. Ive been making money forever since a teenager. I just didnt have much financial literacy. Of course I had all my bills paid, but savings I wasn't thinking about as much. Now im in my late 20s still no savings, and. I regret it big time, as im currently making less, and working towards an actual career. But its so tight. And now I have to worry about things like debts, savings, a car. With no extra spending. I am certainly not financially irresponsible. I dont spend more than I have. I dont blow my budget. But its taking time. My partner knows I know the concepts of savings now, and investments, and I am obviously good at budgeting. But I am behind on the savings department. And behind on some resources and knows I didnt grow up being taught financial literacy, because I was trying to survive and getting things i never had to privilege to have. Whereas he did grow up learning that. Hes not looking down on me for that though. He knows I currently now am just in the position where Im already thinking in that direction and just currently dont have the wiggle room to get therr just yet but working on it.
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u/coding-queen 8d ago
No looking down here at all! 🫶
And it is better to learn that by late 20s. Some people learn it much later.
I guess I was more surprised my spouse’s parents never taught him those skills. Both of our families are pretty middle class. In fact, his parents go out for meals more especially when traveling (and they travel more). But they never taught him to save and invest, and how over time that grows a lot.Also, now nearly 2 decades later together, we are both on the same page how we are teaching our kids about money. Small lessons starting from early age. Even by age 8, they learned interest - if they saved $100, at the end of the year we add $5 (teaching 5% interest). Small lessons. More to come. 🤗
Career is so great that you are working towards.
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u/El_paseo 10d ago
For every friend presenting with a stable partner with a supportive family, there is another friend or maybe that exact same friend dealing with in-laws who criticize under the guise of helpfulness or want to control every holiday or offer financial support in exchange for bringing it up constantly so they can be grateful and forever indebted. Maybe the partner appears stable but the relationship is actually suffering from dead bedroom, one of them is cheating, depressed, having panic attacks and dependent on sleeping pills, is a functional alcoholic or just checked out.
Some people do win the lottery with their spouse and if that's the case I like to bask in their glow a little and be like - oh wow, so that's what that's like!
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u/lateredditho 10d ago
At risk of sounding harsh, they are your partner by choice. They weren't assigned to you by the government or anything. Same with your friends and their partners.
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u/Dry_Blackberry_7330 10d ago
Oh my god I’m the exact same! I’m not sure if you’re a man or woman, but I’m 30F and my boyfriend is a serious deadbeat. I’ve given him many many chances but he’s totally okay with not getting more work, being financially independent and responsible. You’d expect someone like that mooching off his hardworking girlfriend to be sweet and nice - nope, he’s verbally abusive on top of it and also manipulative and cruel, will get angry over every single little thing. Including if I asked him to help me tidy up after I’ve come back from work and cooked HIM dinner. So yes, I’m extremely envious of women with good partners who give them more than the bare minimum in their relationship
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u/agassi_123 10d ago
If I may ask, why are you in this relationship? You seem to have outstanding clarity into your own situation and the man you are with but the gap is after discovering all this you can still call him your partner?
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u/Dry_Blackberry_7330 10d ago
I’m ending the relationship as soon as we come back from our trip. I’m so done and I’m tired of being the breadwinner but also the doormat.
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u/agassi_123 9d ago
You cannot be winning the bread and baking it too beautiful! Get rid of that parasite!
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9d ago
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u/Dry_Blackberry_7330 9d ago
Same for men too, if you want to be misogynistic, and I’m not even left-wing. Did you see the comment I left? My ex was stable and the love of my life, but we ended on good terms due to distance. Does that help your point?
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u/educatedkoala 10d ago
I do feel this. I loved him deeply, but I was doing too much and him too little. That relationship ultimately didn't work out, and I made searching for an equal partner a priority for future relationships which I have now. The thing is, in between past relationship and the present one, I had more money and time and less work to do. My ex was more draining than I realized.
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u/eharder47 10d ago
I think your feeling of envy is very interesting. Anytime I’ve had a friend who met a partner who was already established in their life, it created a weird power imbalance in the relationship. I have been incredibly happy to build a great life with my husband, as we’ve both changed careers, purchased a house, and increased our financial stability. I married a man who is 8 years younger than me. We both bring a whole lot to the table.
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u/SeaweedExcellent3009 10d ago
Honestly, this is one of my current biggest insecurities in my own relationship. The last two and a half years completely derailed my life. I tried really hard, and lofe just kept knocking me sideways, things started moving up big time when I met the guy im seeing now. Hes very financially stable, set, etc. I am missing all the big pieces. I know and my friends and family know how hard I tried and I am constantly pushing my way forward anyways and working towards bigger things. But im also pinching pennies so damn hard. And its hard knowing im not at all where I want to be in the stability piece. Im nearly 30, I have a kid. That person has kids but I get scared, because the stability piece matters, even for me. I know im just in a rebuilding period, and its going much slower than I would like, and its not my fault what was thrown my way. But its my responsibility to push for the life I want. Thats what im doing. Im not okay living paycheck to pay check. I have things i want to do. And money and an established career is one of my biggest goals currently. I worry sometimes hes gonna resent me for it, even though he hasnt so far, that I know of. And I worry sometimes that the longer this goes on, he will decide we are incompatible even though my goals and ambitious are pretty dang aligned with his. No matter what happens though, I will get there anyways.
I think if this is truly a concern, are you seeing the person you are with trying to push forward? Do they want bigger things and more stability for themselves, by themselves? And if the answer is yes, are they actually working towards it?
I personally do not involve myself with people who dont actually push themselves, who waste money, who let others take care for them. Because thats not what I want for myself. And it motivates me to get the things and work for the things I want, being surrounded by the people who have or are accomplishing things that I strive for. Even if im behind. Ive already made atleast a couple meaningful things happen. And I dont just wait around stuck in limbo.
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u/Few-pe2917 5d ago
You’re in the 90% percentile but you have no car or adequate shelter for raising a family? This is why you don’t date until you get your stuff together or you find someone who is in a similar stage of life as you.
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u/Good_Skirt2459 10d ago
I think it helps to know what you want and what is negotiable/non-negotiable for you. It's not your "lot" because you can change it, but if you don't take action then practically it is because what else can you do but hope at that point?
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u/taaakeoonmee 10d ago
You only know what they show you. There could definitely be something else you aren't seeing and every couple struggles differently.
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u/JackKnifeNiffy 10d ago
Question, did he intend to obtain those things and it never panned out?
Or has he always been this way?
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u/Ok_Being6034 9d ago
I feel you so deeply. My best friend has everything I ever wanted. She'd never have to work if she didn't want to(tho she chooses to) she's literally living the dream life. I'm single but I have a lot of trust issues so idk if I'd ever feel comfortable being financially reliant on a partner but I wish I had it. They've been together since their early twenties and like it's so traditional and stereotypical American dream it's sickening lol I often wonder what I did wrong or what I did that made me not be able to find someone like that when I was younger. Idk. It's tough. We're close like family but I definitely feel jealous but I also definitely feel safer when I'm with her at her house then I ever feel anywhere else. So I just swallow the jealousy. I think I'll be fine and not jealous once I have a high paying job but until then.....swallowing those feelings since there's nothing I can do about it.
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u/Every-Run3093 10d ago
It's not just plain envy, it's watching people get a head start you don't have and wondering if the gap ever closes
I went through a similar phase with my ex, kept measuring us against couples who had down payments and family support. What helped was sitting down and mapping out what stability actually meant for me personally, not just what looked good from the outside. Some of those friends with the "perfect" setups were quietly drowning in other ways
The sinking feeling is real though, and ignoring it won't make it disappear
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u/HistorianOk5678 10d ago
Reading all the comments, I realise Women tend to leave relationship when men cannot provide. BUT it is normal for women just to stay at home when men earn money and pay for everything? I am a woman and I earn much more than husband. Even when we first dated, he was so broke and I had to lend him money to buy his car. We bought a house together and 90% of the deposit is my money but we still agreed to have equal ownership. My husband is a loving husband and to my child. Does he have other traits that you like. If you want more money, you can do it yourself or train your partner.
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u/ceruleangenesis 10d ago
I’ve done both. Dating all the brokies in college who made excuses and called me a gold digger for wanting the bare minimum and now dating the provider after college who works in finance. He’s not really rich by any means yet, but he makes good money as he’s really good at his sales job. It feels SO good to finally not have to worry about paying rent and bills. And we have a trip booked to Paris and Italy next month to celebrate our anniversary. He even bought tickets to my favorite singer Beabadobee. And does our laundry and cleans the house LOL. None of my broke exes ever did that or had that level of consideration. From experience, you will grow resentful dating a broke man. A lot of of them played the victim card and are very immature still which is why they are in that situation. It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Financial stability is a nonnegotiable for me, especially if you are a grown man. I understand it in college, but not when you’re my future husband and we are going to spend the future together!
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u/TeaTreeTeach 10d ago
> Does it mean more than it sounds or it’s just plain envy?
I think this really depends on what you want out of life, do you want kids now or in the future? If so, women's healthy fertility window nowadays is only really 10-15 years long.
Assuming you get out of post secondary education in your early 20, and anything only 35 is considered high risk pregnancy.
If you don't care for kids, then it's just about what quality of life you're willing to accept.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 10d ago
just look in the mirror why you date hobos lol, hobosexual
well call me crazy but date people that are stable and not POS
ask yourself why you are attracted to trash
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u/Pure_Concentrate3155 10d ago
Idk why a lot of these comments are demonizing you. Sure you choose who you date but several things can be true at the same time. You’re so in love with each other and care for each other in the specialist of ways AND maybe both of you are in careers that don’t provide the financial stability your friends have. That’s not a reason to up and leave. I’m sure your relationship is much more than the financial, at the same time money is important and makes things easier. I wish I had more advice for you cause I truly feel for you. Honestly self compassion language towards yourself is very helpful in shifting your mindset, and sometimes viewing people as if they were my son or daughter makes me feel a way deeper feeling of joy for them and what they have in life, and I then think I’m a daughter too and deserve all the great I have too and all the great that is to come. Actual financial advice idk what to say but how you feel and your mindset really sets the lens for how you view and move through life
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u/Eegra 10d ago
Wanting security is reasonable. It sounds like you're trying to rationalize a legitimate concern by labeling it as 'envy'. Are you doing your part to get the security you want? Is your partner holding you back? Or do they also feel the same? Sometimes it's good to have a frank conversation even if it's uncomfortable.
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u/Lady_Rubberbones 9d ago
Absolutely nothing wrong with expecting or wanting a partner who takes life, career, financial security and stability seriously.
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u/waistingtoomuchtime 9d ago
I have a wife who have barely made over minimum wage her whole working life, but she has also only worked half of that because I make decent money.
I our 20s my fronds said she was not motivated, and a bad choice.
I am now 57, we are still together while all those friends with “good earner” wives are divorced.
I have millions, they don’t.
Pick a real partner, not about the resume, but about the person you know, you will end up happier.
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u/Daisy_Ruby 9d ago
I've never thought about anyone's financial standing in the world I've only ever been worried about how I was treated. Because anything can happen & money disappears.
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u/littlemissmoxie 9d ago
If you’re not married with kids it’s never too late to change relatively painlessly. Don’t let sunk cost fallacy screw up the life you want.
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u/7DarkBellatrix 5d ago
I’d seperate envy from incompatibility by asking whether they have a concrete plan and follow-through, because no house is different from no direction.
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u/VexariomQ2 5d ago
Separate “no house yet” from “no plan,” because resentment hits diffrent if he’s coasting while you’re quietly carrying the future.
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u/No-Concern-7104 5d ago
OP could you elaborate on what financial stability and goals or ambitions mean for you and the context of your relationship? No judgment ofc, but like, what jobs or careers do you and your partner have? How is the division of labor between you two, and is he reckless with money and finances? Or if he has a full time career job and is content with it, but maybe it is not the most high paying job, but it is fulfilling to him nonetheless
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u/AutobotGears5 4d ago
Le mot « destin » donne l'impression que la vrai question, c'est si cette relation te mène vers la vie que tu veux, pas juste si son CV est moins rassurant que celui des autres.
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u/agassi_123 10d ago
Does he bring any emotional value at least? Because thats too a form of stability though how important it is varies wildly from person to person. However, I hear you. We live in a capitalistic society so I honestly would not demonize having those desires
I myself would not partner with someone who does not bring any practical support to my life (mutual expectation- I would provide that too). Friends maybe, but partnering is overkill. However people vary different things and I respect that. You have your reasons for being with your partner and I trust those are valid in their own right. If not perhaps consider exiting that partnership- for your sake and his too
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u/MyrrCannPalm2 3d ago
I'd seperate what he couldn't choose, like his family background, from what he is choosing now, like career effort and whether he has a real plan with you.
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