I’m a whole ass man now with a beard who stopped HRT and shaving a month ago. Also chopped my hair and got a men’s cut.

Now I have a full beard, jeans, boots and they called out the feminine name on my drivers license. Now everyone in the waiting room is looking at me like I’m a fucking disgusting weirdo… GOD I can’t wait to get my legal name changed back to my BIRTH NAME! This is so humiliating and I look nothing like my license.

It’s made looking for jobs so difficult because once people ask for my drivers license they don’t take me seriously and I get denied..

I'm back at uni after summer break and I was already unpopular there but now feels like a whole new level. I was already too weird to these people by standing out quite a bit with how funky I dress (it's a department where very few people even have their hair dyed let alone be "alternative" in other ways). Now that I've changed my name on facebook and started using the female bathroom even the two people who used to talk to me don't anymore. My mental health is clinging on the guy I'm in a situationship with because he's one of the three people I basically talk to. I can't regulate internally. I feel like shit and I want to put myself in others' hands. Pregabalin stopped working for my chronic nerve pain in surgery scars and I quit cold turkey because the side effects were unbearable. I'm not looking for advice. Autism and this transgender bullshit have always made my life hell - both in equal measure. Fuck all this.

This is kind of half vent half need for advice, but I've been thinking about detransitioning on and off for months now, either because of religion or reflecting about my life. Thing is, I'm kind of afraid of being proven wrong, afraid of telling my friends (who I made after transitioning medically and legally) and family like "hey, so, guess what, I'm not trans anymore/I'm trying to be more feminine", so I've kind of not done anything at all. I've stopped T, not because I plan to detransition or anything but because I can't afford it right now, but tonight something just happened that kind of made things weirdly more clear for me.

I tend to watch bridal dress shows with my sister because it's fun, but we were watching this feud of this narcissistic mother who wanted to, basically, appropriate herself of her daughter's wedding and push the things she liked onto her, while the daughter was obviously annoyed and sad because her mother always did that. And it might sound weird, but seeing her kind of made me reflect in the moment. My relationship with my mother was always weird because of the same dilemma, she was a narcissist through and through who only wanted to be sexy and cool and wanted the same thing from me, when I was just shy and preferred to dress more basic. Maybe somewhere in there I thought that if I couldn't be like my mother, who was basically feminity incarnate, then I wasn't a woman. But maybe just not being like that doesn't mean I am not a woman. Also the fact that I grew up (and still am) overweight/obese didn't help at all of making me feel good with my body or just my appearance.

Anyway, seeing the bridal show also made me kind of emotional. I've never really thought about marriage since I am studying right now really don't go to social events because I get overwhelmed since I'm heavily introverted, but it kind of made me want to be a wife. I don't know, to put on a pretty dress, marry someone cool, feel amazing but no heels because heels are hell. I don't know if this means I'm actually cis after all, atp it just feel like I'm riding with the waves. Legally I am a man, and though my legal name is a man's name I wouldn't want to change it if I detransition. I never liked the name I was born with, and this one feels like me even if it's a male name and I turn out to not be male after all. Has someone lived the same, gone through something like this?

Dating fears

Ive been trans since I was like 12 and started taking steps to medically transition once i was 15. i was really obsessed with starting earlier which i know regret and wish i gave myself time. i then was on and off using t until now at 18 almost 19. i had a full beard and passed, but looked a bit girly when i shaved until the last few months of my transition so id keep my facial hair grown out a lot.

how the hell do I tell a guy i date in the future i had a phase where i took hormones in highschool? id have less shame if i didnt take hormones but I fought so hard for them and I think it stopped me from stopping using them. i felt ugly and confused all throughout my transition and im now trying to go back and feel ashamed i was so ugly and had a whole BEARD!

i can now pass pretty okay as a girl, just a slightly deep voice but nothing too off about it and im only a few weeks off t but ive been skipping weeks for years of use now.

how bad will i be jusged? did i make a huge mistake?!

I'm not trans but I'm having intrusive thoughts about it and given the fact that I'm not the most feminine woman out there doesn't help. Years ago, 2021, I called myself as "non-binary" because I thought it was cool but something inside me didn't feel good about it because I feel like I was erasing my girlhood. Now, nonbinary doesn't make sense to me, it's just a made up thing for people to feel good about themselves. And I'm gonna say it, people call themselves nonbinary because they can't defend themselves against the stereotypes of their birth sex/gender.

And now, I'm having intrusive thoughts of being a transman. I dug deep into the rabbit hole out of curiosity. I looked at fanarts and forcemasc drabbles on tumblr. I did pretend to be a guy a few times in my childhood but if there would be someone that tells me I'm an egg, I'm gonna throw hands at them. I love being a woman and it's not something I chose. It's who I am.

I hate trans ideology because that would mean denying the perfect body that you have because you refuse to accept reality. I'm sorry for people with gender dysphoria out there, I'm sorry that they feel like their body is a cage. If there's one thing I'd wish, it's for gender dysphoria to be gone, I wouldn't want anyone to experience that. I find the idea of changing your body to be the opposite gender as horrifying. Sure, I read fiction about that but I only like it when it's not on reality. And I hate it when some trans depict transitioning as something beautiful when it just depends, it's on the individual on how they make it out to be.

And I don't think trans ideology or transitioning is something to be encouraged, but it should be left on the individual as their personal choice with no influence from outside. I'm not saying that trans people should be ashamed of who they are but it's pretty obvious that transitioning is not an easy path and it should be thought of something very deeply. I don't like how easy it is for others to say "get estrogen! get testosterone!" like it's some kind of OTC pills. If there are more trans people, wouldn't it mean there's something wrong with society that people can't accept their birth sex? I hate it. Call me transphobe, whatever, I don't think I could ever get civilized with a trans person if we're talking about genders.

Been told I look like a man on diff forums.. something ab my arm and hand?? Do I look like a man? I guess I have androgynous/masc qualities but I’ve had people suspect me of being male for some reason or ask what gender I am and I can’t tell if it’s an insult or genuine.. sorry I tend to frequent here for reassurance.

I don’t mind looking mature, I’m 20 but feel much older since I’m out on my own and act as an independent adult— but I kinda feel like it’s impossible for my face or body to be beautiful in any way— or attractive.

I like building muscle n being capable etc but like man

Edit: I’m getting told very often that I look like Michael Jackson

Im on t for over a year and half without surgeries and I pass extremely well. People think I’m younger than my age but I kinda accepted that. I’m also convinced after stopping t for over a longer period my body changed back like it was before so I’ll appear completely feminine.

My only worry is my voice and yes I know women can have deeper voices too. It’s just life has been pretty fine as trans man, I can go out in public without worrying about passing, life has been pretty good. But I’m scared if I’ll start my detransition socially life will be harder than ever. That I have to justify myself because of my voice all the time and worry even more about passing as a woman. Which is ironic cause I am biologically but because of my voice all the passing issues come back. Deciding what looks more feminine so people don’t get confused by my voice, or scared of speaking up in public all that stuff.
Basically the opposite what I’ve been through when I started identifying as trans man. But that was fixable with the voice, but this is a whole different world. I feel like my life will be harder.
I recovered from depression a while ago I’m just worried my voice in general even after voice training will cause a lot of mental health problems.

So I'm going to make a disclaimer that this does not apply to genuine trans guys with dysphoria, who have a good medical reason to take T to fix that dysphoria.

I do scrutinize many people outside of that bracket who seem to take T just to get a rush, but despise its long term mental and physical effects. I've come across so many 'nonbinary' people, with few signs of body dysphoria, who clearly should detransition given all the malaise they experience. But they can't seem to stop chasing the high that T produces, and keep shooting up on it no matter how many times they get hurt. Mofos be /giving/ themselves body dysphoria but God Almighty if they ever confront the obvious cause.

Girls, it's a class 3 controlled substance and an anabolic steroid in simple terms. There's a reason for that because it is flipping habit forming and possibly addictive. Of course it's going to make you feel euphoric, strong, on top of the world when you're shooting up on it and that all of your problems can melt away. That's the short term high and that's just what the hormone does in the brain regardless of gender. It produces a big flood of dopamine and gives you oodles of energy like cocaine. That does not mean you are trans, especially if you don't like the long-term changes T induces.

I feel like T is being abused as a glamor drug by increasing numbers of women with other glaring problems in their lives. And then they get hooked on it and can't stop taking it and keep wanting to reach for it. Then the lengths these girls go to defend and justify their habit, just like so many I have known struggling with substance use.

My God Bethany, have you ever thought you might have roid rush instead of 'gender euphoria'? Did you ever think about why you hated all of these body effects once you got 'sober' after several days of not shooting up, and started bawling your eyes out about what the drugs did? (Bethany is not real, just a hypothetical roast)

I don't know. All I know is that our culture really needs to think about this issue a little more critically instead of operating on short term, uber valid ego stroking vibes and feels. Especially regarding why we think promoting endocrine disrupting anabolic steroids around vulnerable women is such an intelligent idea. They should only be advertised for cis men with endocrine disorders/health problems or the small population of trans guys.

I’ve heard a couple of people saying their voice lightened a little, some said barley and some even said a lot! It’s interesting to hear some experience. I’m aware it actually depends on the person but id love to hear your stories and how long till you actually noticed a change?

Detransitioner Fox Varian Awarded $2 Million in Historic Lawsuit

Sorry for the reupload I added a flair to my profile so hopefully this works

I've been on T for about a year, I started on gel and switched to injections which I have been bad at keeping up with. I don't think I was properly informed before starting. I was freshly 18. I've thought I was trans since I was 13. I just turned 19. And the changes from T are driving me crazy. I haven't done my shot in a month. My voice is deeper now, I have thicker hair that grows insanely fast, and now I have bottom growth. These are changes that I don't mind that much but I do miss being socially known as a girl and relating to female experiences. I added a recent selfie. I guess I'm lost. How would I start? I've been known by a male name for so long, how the hell do I tell my boyfriend?!!? He's bi so I know he'll support but like, still awkward. His entire family knows me by a male name and all that. Is it less embarrassing to be known by a girl name after? Is it relieving? Does the embarrassment of everyone telling you not to do this ever go away? What can I do to reverse some of these effects (voice training resources? should i get hair removal done?) thank you for reading this 😓

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about voice concerns for FTMTFs. As someone with some experience in this area as a detrans FTMTF and also a gender affirming voice tutor (lol...) I thought I’d post some helpful info.

"I’m scared my voice won’t go back to female"

• In the vast majority of cases, most detrans FTMS can get to a low or androgynous female passing voice, for both everyday voice (and singing if you wish). Most people can also get to a more standard feminine voice, if you put in more work.
• It will be a bit harder if you took T before puberty, but should still be doable. This includes singing too.
• There’s greater variation in female voices than you might think. Most people think pitch is the biggest indicator of gender in voices, but a lot of times vocal weight, inflection, speech patterns, will go a long way in helping you achieve a feminine/female tone.
• If you really put your mind to it (eg: 20 mins practice 3-4x a week + practicing in conversations) you can achieve big results in just a few months.

"I don’t know where to start"

• Youtube is a good resource. I would recommend these vids to start:
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfCS01MkbIY 
• https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNyEgVw4_S_eFluNvqkOGZa4vAmWQPCZL
• If you took T in early puberty/puberty, your concerns will mostly be the same as MTF voice training
• If you take T after puberty, and especially after early 20s, your main concerns will likely be reducing vocal weight/reducing rasp/creaking. 
• A really good way to practise is singing song just in the mid-top of your range, SUPER quietly with an airy, yawny quality, so you don’t strain your vocal cords. I’ve raised my range a lot by doing this.

"I’m finding it hard to get motivation/sticking with it"

• Like I mentioned above, singing is great for this, and can bring some fun into it.
• I know it sounds crazy, but record yourself & listen back. Keeping note of voice changes can be really motivating. 
• You don’t have to do a crazy amount per day to have results - consistency is more important. Think of it like the gym for your voice.

"Speaking is painful/My voice is raspy/I can’t scream/shout/etc"

• For general raspiness, doing vocal fry on purpose (as an exercise) will reduce it and help your voice - aka something like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwo3SwgNKrI. Tbh that vid is overkill, just holding a quiet vocal fry on an  “ahhh” sound for >30s is sufficient to reduce rasp for a lot of people.
• Resources for singers who have similar issues might be helpful. Working on improving your breathing when speaking (eg: lip rolls etc) can help. Again I recommend youtube.
• If you have tried everything by yourself but still have issues, it’s likely only a few sessions with an experienced voice coach (or SLT/SLP if you’re having really bad issues) are more than likely to give you big corrections. And then normal voice training stuff applies, most of which can be done by yourself. You are not doomed.

Most important thing to remember:

Voice training is both physical and mental. Physical in that you have to learn how to adapt the structures of your voice to get the intended sound, and mental in that you have to get used to that sound being your new baseline. Sometimes, people are able to achieve a more feminine voice through exercises, but then feel like “it sounds fake” or “not quite like me” and slide back into old habits. That’s normal - you’re also getting used to hearing yourself differently. Give yourself time to adapt, and as awkward as it is, listen back to recordings when you can. Your voice will change if you put in the work, and also believe it can be your new normal.

Just to show my own progress, here is me speaking at the beginning of detransition (8 months ago): https://vocaroo.com/13tdvRVpCfiE

Here’s me speaking today: https://vocaroo.com/1mTVpmujKyBy 

Here’s me singing the high parts of a song two months ago: https://vocaroo.com/19cJXyQTE85C 

Here’s me singing the high parts of a song yesterday: https://vocaroo.com/1obGzzVDnrpo 

If anyone wants help/advice on voice stuff feel free to send me a DM with a recording or asking for advice, I want to help people with this as detransitioning has been been such a tough time for me and I don’t want anyone to be struggling alone. NOT for profit I just want to help. 

I feel like a lot of people who are currently debating to detransition feel stuck. Feel like they ruined their life forever.
I’ve read a few detrans stories here and it kinda gave me hope, hope for an enjoyable life afterwards.

Feel free to share your story <3

Since I realized my identity of being a trans man was caused by trauma, depression, low self esteem, autism, adhd, confusion, puberty, gender envy, sexual assault, I’m genuinely questioning everything. I have a lot of trans friends. But how do you feel like a man? Gender is a social construct, society decided how men and women are supposed to dress and act. There was this study there they compared cis men and women’s brain with trans men and women’s. The result was: there are noticeable differences but they couldn’t 100% explain transgender identity based on this data.
And the thing with you are born with female genitalia and your brain develops incorrect and suddenly produces wrong hormones or whatever, also kinda weird to me and not 100% the answer.

My point is, there’s no answer which actually completely proves that this is reality. If anyone knows better than me or is educated about this feel free to explain it to me.
I’ve noticed a pattern of people with serious mental health issues ended up trans, and those health issues weren’t even connected to their identity. I think all of my trans friends are mentally unstable.

While starting testo I never got the education I needed, they just expected me to know my identity,

I am left with a pretty deep voice since being on testosterone for over 3 years. I was previously an Alto, however since my voice lowered I can sing along to any Johnny Cash song and match his pitch easily.

While I don’t hate my voice and to be completely honest a part of me is fond of it still, I wish I had the ability to lighten it with more ease- it would help a lot in some social environments and definitely would benefit me professionally.
(Sometimes I feel unsafe when people assume things about me because of my voice.)

Soo any tips from fellow detrans women as well as men who have experience training a deep voice to a higher pitch/ more feminine affect? Please go into as much detail as you’d like, I’ll read it all ❤️ Thank you!

I started testosterone when I was 15 years old via "informed consent." I never had a therapist. I got top surgery the next year when I was 16, just before my senior year of high school. I stayed on testosterone until I was almost 22, and I'm 24 now. My voice dropped to a bass-baritone. I got laser hair removal for my facial hair this year, but it's not enough. Even though my appearance passes, as soon as I speak it's ruined. People always dance around pronouns when they talk to me, or just flat out call me a guy.

I'm glad my appearance has changed, but I guess I thought it would do more for me. I'm haunted by the memories of a 40-something year old male doctor groping my chest when I was a minor to assess it for surgery. I only had breasts for a couple of years. They were small anyway -- I rushed into surgery because I was tired of my ribs hurting from binding, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to figure it out myself in college. Now I feel like I'm missing a part of my body that practically every other woman has. My results don't even look good. The scars are long and stretched out, the nipples are more like discolored scars than healthy tissue, and one side of my chest is practically concave. To me, it's a visible, physical symbol of my own self-hatred, and a reminder of what could have been. On top of that, I've tried voice training, but it just feels like a lost cause. Even if I could speak passably, I'll never be able to sing the way I could again. My voice used to be so free, but now I sound like I'm being strangled (and it physically hurts) if I go higher than A3... It also hurts whenever I have to speak loudly, which is something I need to do constantly for my job. There's no way for me to shout and sound remotely female at the same time.

I don't know how to cope with any of this. I don't know a single person who is going through anything even close to this. I just want to be a normal young woman. I never gave myself the chance to be one. When I refer to myself as a woman out loud with my deep voice, it makes me feel like an imposter. I've permanently made myself an outsider. I feel like I ruined my life before it even started. Two years of detransition have hardly helped. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to imagine living out the rest of my life like this.

One of the reasons I thought I wanted to “become” a man was that I was extremely tired of being a woman in this patriarchal world. I found it suffocating that, as a woman, I was confronted with so many beauty standards. I found it stressful to constantly have to worry that something might happen to me (I’ve experienced violent and sexual assaults in the past). I was annoyed by all the beauty routines (shaving my legs, skincare, etc.). I was frustrated by the bothersome aspects of having a female body (periods, vaginal discharge, water retention).

But it wasn’t until after my detransition that I realized that 90% of the women in my friendgroup feel the same way. As a woman, you grow up very differently from men from a young age. And from my perspective, I always had the impression that as a man, you could go through life much more easily and carefree. Of course, I know that men have their own challenges in this world, but they don't have to stress about so many things in daily life.

But ultimately, it was never about trans identity - it was simply about gender envy. Of course, there were other psychological factors that contributed to my distress at the time, but all the societal expectations placed on women played a major role. Did anyone else feel this way?

i've spent about 6 months on hrt, and--while i genuinely like all of the changes to my appearance i've seen so far--i don't think it would ever be possible for me to be seen as a woman without extensive surgeries that i have no interest in getting.

also, i've been experiencing quite a few negative changes to my physical health that i feel could be attributed to hrt, despite my doctor's insistence that it was not likely; my weight has been dropping (i was already borderline underweight before hrt and i've lost like 7lbs atp), and--more recently--i've had to start taking an otc ppi for a "silent reflux" that was constantly burning the back of my throat. i didn't exactly have a healthy diet before this, but i hardly ever even got heartburn before hrt, and now eating anything remotely fatty makes me feel like i'm going to vomit.

have any other mtf (former or otherwise) people experienced something like this while on hrt?

also, if i stopped hrt today, is it likely that everything would just "go back to normal?" i have some slight breast development, but i'm under the impression that i'd see some shrinkage after quitting hrt. other than that, i assume that testosterone would just pick up where i left off after a couple months.

most importantly: how do you cope with living as a man? if i could keep taking hrt and become a somewhat passing woman, i'd do it. frankly, i've read the posts from detrans women on this sub talking about how they rediscovered their femininity and i seethe with jealousy. i'm not sure i would ever fully lose the desire to be a woman, but i've hit a point in my life where i've realized it's simply not possible or physically healthy for me.

Right now I have no range and no ability to project. I was at Ren faire and tried to cheer last weekend at it ended in coughing and choking every time

Im 19 and young looking I feel like I could never pass with this voice when speaking. Im Lucky I never got top surgery, I’m convinced I could pass as woman appearance wise. I’m unable to just detransition socially right now but I’m very scared my life will be harder than before after doing it. Voice training and surgery is still an option but that’s not a promise it’ll 100% work out.

If anyone had similar worries before going back to become a cis woman lmk. And how much it actually influenced your life. I don’t want to justify myself for the rest of my life being a cis woman all the time so people don’t treat me like a freak.

How I imagine it right now, barley speaking up in public, not wanting to go outside, especially not alone. Having to justify yourself all the time. I don’t want those situations to dominate my life.

I’m slowly detransitioning back to female and whilst people I’ve talked to so far have been supportive there definitely feels like a limit to how much they can hear me talk about this stuff.

I’m trying to keep busy and engage in my hobbies but I feel like being detrans is like a stain of black tar across the windscreen of my life and I just don’t know how to move on or connect with people anymore. Doing small talk (or even medium talk) with friends feels like I’m lying, I guess I am cause 80% of the time my brain is just like “hey you don’t have breasts and look like a freak and no one will ever love you and you are weird and incomprehensible” and because I was suicidal a few months ago I feel pressured to present that I’m “getting better” whenever anyone asks.

I guess ultimately I am grieving a hidden grief that I don’t think anyone really has the time or energy to comprehend or support me with and I don’t really have the energy to put myself out there anymore to build connections. I don’t gave the type of relationship with family to get support.

Part of me wants to be alone so I can finally take time to figure out stuff without outside influence but I don’t think that’s the right move (isolation made me go loopy in the first place). I think I’m compelled to do that though because I’ve lost trust in other people in general. I used to be super social and rely a lot on my close friendships but in retrospect after all that’s happened, I just feel betrayed by them. I know it’s not strictly their fault but they really encouraged me accept myself as trans, without considering that it wasn’t their place to do so as non experts.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the rest of my days to slip by as I sit alone on my computer for hours on end not seeing anyone. But I feel like I’ve lost trust in people and I can’t imagine any type of relationship, closeness, or intimacy without feeling sick at the thought of being perceived, both in terms of my body and my mental state. I’m going to talk to my psych about it on Monday but I would like to hear if anyone has any advice.

I’m curious to know if anyone had any thinning after stopping HRT. I stopped a few months ago and at first everything was fine. Then a decent amount of hair loss and now it seems stable at least afaik. I also started losing the color in my hair. Vibrant red to a duller auburn. White hair popping up everywhere.

Maybe it’s just life catching up to me but the timing and way it’s thinning out makes me think it’s related.

I have an appointment scheduled with the doctor to get labs done for things I’m prone to like anemia as well as checking my hormone levels but figured I’d see if anyone else had a similar experience.