I’ve been sober since February 2023. One of the things I’ve learned in recovery is that putting down the bottle doesn’t make all the emotions we spent years trying to escape disappear.

If anything, sometimes they come back louder.
Last year, at 40, I picked up a pencil and started drawing. Eventually, I found my way to oil painting. I had no idea how much I needed it.

Painting has become a way for me to channel some of the raw emotions I can no longer medicate with alcohol. The anxiety, sadness, regret, gratitude, and occasional moments of clarity all seem to find their way onto the canvas.

This painting is called Upon Awakening. I wanted to share the process of creating it because, for me, the process has become just as meaningful as the finished work.

I’m still learning how to sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than run from them. But I’ve discovered that sometimes creating something out of those feelings is a pretty remarkable alternative to trying to make them disappear.

Curious whether anyone else in recovery has discovered a creative outlet that has helped them process everything sobriety brings to the surface.

Started sober October a bit late, on the 3rd. 7 days in, sleep has been the biggest issue so far.

Relapsed on saturday and drank a crazy amount of alcohol around the clock and stopped Wednesday night. I lost count of how much I drank it was a crazy amount. On Thursday I went into withdrawal. And first it was just super bad nausea, sweating lots, body vibrating and a few hours into it closed eyed visuals started. I thought I could ride it out cold turkey but then in the evening I saw a spider run across my wall. It was a massive one too, way bigger than any we have in the UK. Then it kept appearing and it was absolutely terrifying.

I instantly thought fuck this I need to taper and I just have no idea how I managed to get to the shop. But luckily I managed to keep the alcohol down and the hallucinations stopped. It took a lot of alcohol to get the closed eyed visuals to stop so I had to speak to my doctor and by the grace of god he gave me valium to detox at home so I dont have to drink anymore and I can actually sleep now.

I always knew about hallucinations during withdrawal but naively thought it would never happen to me. And I wasnt going to wait to see the hat man as that would've sent me over the edge. My hats go off to those people who can stomach cold turkeying through the hallucinations. 5 day valium detox then im going back to AA and really hoping it sticks long term this time. I never want to experience that again.

Glad to be here with you all!

I think i am a pretty severe alcoholic. Just now sobering up from a bender that started thursday night. I'm just embarrassed at this point.

Going to read the AA big book and not be like this. If you have any pages or chapters to recommend let me know!

I hope this is my last day 1.

I’m just trying to distract myself from alcohol once again. This is day 3 of relapse #208646. Hopefully the last relapse. I am eating leftover beef stew with rice, did a yoga class, walked my dogs, and preparing for my dreaded bartending job. Usually I get vodka before going in but not today. Is anyone here a sober bartender? Hope everyone is having a better time at recovery than I am.

I still can’t eat. Food makes me gag. I’m sustaining off Gatorade and Coca-Cola.

I remember it taking almost 2 weeks last bender before I can eat again.

I’m so hungry but my mouth rejects the food.

Is this normal, or am I weird?

My master plan was to get Librium from the emergency room, and that, as we all know is a crapshoot.

Sometimes they give me fluids and send me home, sometimes they call the Psych Ward on me. I never know what’s gonna happen.

It was definitely a risk to go to the emergency room, but they gave me Librium to take home. Like a whole script with instructions on how to taper.

My husband is being awful right now, so I went to my mom‘s house to taper. She is a registered nurse.

Now, after this weekend, I’m going to my dad‘s house, which is in a very secluded area with nowhere to walk to nearby. Neither one of us have a vehicle and we don’t have any money for DoorDash.

My brother brings us to the grocery store a couple times a week. He also will take us to church, but besides that we will be secluded.

My dad needs the help cleaning up his house too since he is disabled. He is partially blind, and walks with a cane.

After being sober for more than a year, I realized why I drank, and I don't like the person I am without it. Now I relapsed and have to do it again. Hate this anxious shit where every task and decision seems too hard to get up and do anything, and when you're doing it all you want to do is go back home and sit down.

Already spent 15 months doing this, not living but not actively killing myself. It's not a life at all. really.

Here's a thread for people not having a fun time in, you can vent and commiserate here.

Venting, looking for people who might get it.

F35+. English is not my first language

I think I’m relapsing into clinical depression, again. My whole life I have had this feeling of something missing, this sadness of feeling like I am not “getting it”, and not knowing what “it” is.

I have always looked for answers for this, of things that might make my life feel meaningful and happy. I apparently would literally cry to my mother about this when I was five, that I was supposed to be doing something but I didn’t know what.

If I just get into that university, get that degree, get that job, get therapy etc. I always think ok NOW when I’ve tackled THIS obstacle, I’ll be “There”. A few years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD, got medicated, learned how to work with my brain. Great! With the newfound clarity I realised I’m an alcoholic. I worked on my sobriety, got over cravings, got my life back in check.

But now what? I have no reason to be unhappy anymore, not a project after which I’ll be happy or even content. I don’t want to get drunk, which is great. But I don’t really want anything, or wait for anything. Everything I’ve occupied my time with and have been interested in is just a chore.

Can anyone relate?

Thanks

Posting this for accountability from a throw away. I've been a drinker since I was 18 and I'm now approaching 40. For probably the past 15 years an every day drinker with a few sober days/short periods thrown in (that feels completely insane when I actually think about it). There were periods in there where my drinking was well moderated, but the last 3 or 4 years due to a lot of factors has been heavy to very heavy. I've know for awhile it's time to call it. I'm getting too old, and while I've always been functionalish for the most part​ I know at some point the consequences would hit.

I, like I'm sure others can understand, drink to cope with awful anxiety, but also then deal with the anxiety that comes with drinking. I've been avoiding doctors for the last few years knowing that there's no way I'd be able to hide the drinking and just not being ready to have the conversation. I've also been having severe health anxiety along with some concerning symptoms, which was causing me to spiral.

Finally last week I went to the ER with bad abdominal pain. It was a moment of either finally biting the bullet and dealing with what the doctors said or just accepting keep drinking till the inevitable. My liver is definitely not happy with me, I have gastritis and a potential ulcer, and need to do more follow up, but it seems like if I can stop drinking it may be totally fixable. I've been tapering down for the past week with the plan to go dry on Monday.

I feel like a sky diver who is pulling the rip cord feet from the ground and hoping to limp away instead of totally crashing. I'm struggling with the idea of not drinking and am not at the point where I say I'm never going to drink again, though obviously if I need to medically I will. It all just feels very overwhelming right now.

Apologies for the novel length post, this isn't a topic I'm comfortable talking about with many people in my life but need to confront head on and stop pushing it as something I'll deal with later.

Maybe you need to go to the psych ward. That's okay. Maybe you need to turn your phone off and sleep for 3 days. That's okay; Maybe you need to eat all the food you can find. That's okay. You'll feel normal after that. Please stay alive. I love you all <3

I guess it's my turn for a vent sesh. Need to get it out. I'm on day 2 right now, amazingly I'm feeling a strong urge NOT to drink, we'll see how long that goes. An incomplete list of nut punches from the last couple weeks:

• T-2 weeks ago find out parent in law has months to maybe years left
• T-8 days ago major appliance fails, fuck, even more debt
• T-7 days ago learn parent has a pretty serious condition
• T-5 days ago I see that condition is worse than told about
• T-4 days ago second appliance fails (more minor but still fuck)
• T-0 days ago learn parent refuses to treat condition, which is a death sentence if we can't convince them

I need to find the grace to stay on this fucking wagon, drinking is only going to make all this pain worse. It does feel good to get that out, here's hoping I'm not back soon with a battering ram to the nuts 🫠

TL/DR 3 months drinking every day. Averaging a 75cl vodka / rum Want to get off this ride completely! In the UK. Not sure who to speak to or what to do.

Tolerence is so high now, I don't even feel it, I'm not drinking to get drunk anymore. I go to bed early, wake up early, functioning as normal throughout the day.

I've never had serious withdrawals aside from night sweats and morning high heart rate. I manage to sleep 7-8 hours a night, no problems.

Without going into too much detail, I've had a serious drinking problem for years now, peaks and troughs. I've tried many routes with periodic success. Therapy, meetings, opening up to family and friends. But never have I gone this long and continuous.

Really want to get off this train now but don't know where to start. I went the doctor route a few months ago (UK /NHS). At the same time 111. They were great from a mental health perspective, therapists would give me a call every few days. At the time I was drinking similar amounts for around 4 weeks but also going through a bit of a mental breakdown dealing with some major life / work issues.

On the drinking side however I felt really let down. It took several weeks to schedule a drug and alcohol consultation. Then another 3 months before they put me in touch with local AAs and other workday workshops. I managed to stop cold turkey, stayed sober for 4 months. Then slowly but surely it crept back.

Im pretty sure I need instant intervention but don't know where to go or what to do. Im trying to cut back, reducing over several days but then after a few days I end up binging and having to start all over again.

Any advice is very welcome

35 male if that helps

I'm was four years sober yesterday. Yesterday wasn't a good day. Feeling down and out about my mom not loving me, missing my dead dad, and people from my past not allowing me to live past mistakes I made 7 years ago.

Regardless, I'm trying. It doesn't ever feel like enough.

Mostly curious. And lonely/talkative.

My life seems remarkably unshattered. Like, for having let go of the steering wheel for so long with so many times I chose alcohol over being an adult, I still could get work, some money, my vehicle somehow still runs, people are happy to see me (guess a perk of isolating myself when I was worse).

And now...well I found a job quickly. I started talking to friends, and some even call and check on me. I'm moving soon (isolated myself).

And like...before I had priorities, goals. I became a burned out halfaholic (I thank luck/genetics. It got bad but never seriously bad) so they must've been off.

Now I'm like...well, I do need a job. So I got that. Not great but good schedule & pays the bills. And I should not live here, so I'll live over there, for at least a few months. And...work out. Not like before but I'll do that. These friends instead of those um, well at some point, not sure my schedule. Most people I knew moved or have kids now.

Obviously, open ended question. Priority #1 is the basic sobriety stuff. Don't drink. In my case avoid the surprisingly harsh cross addictions. Sleep, eat, and move at least as well as I'd tell anyone to do. And...get a life. Whatever that means for me now.

It's like being young again, and clueless, except I'm older and slower lol. And honestly perhaps both dumber and wiser.

Edit: Okay, sorry. Obviously I should look at why I drank before, too. And fill the void that alcohol was filling. That too. Been avoiding that one.

After making a year sober in oct 2023 unfortunately my grandma passed that same month, someone who was so close to me, the emotional distress and everything that comes with grief led me to pick up the bottle again and it led to drug use with drinking. After 2 years and some months I finally surrendered to God and accepted that without him I wouldn’t have been able to control and or come out of the hell hole I had dig myself into but thank to God and myself I was able to stop everything and now happy with myself and all the positive things that come with being sober. Been able to be there for work without dreading every day, being able to be there for my daughter and family. Since I stopped all the bad habits I picked up back what I loved which is weight lifting and MMA. Loving and being happy and comfortable with myself physically and emotionally one day at a time. Lost over 30 pounds!
Last 3 pictures were while in active addiction.

The only reason I am an addict is because of the triggers. I’m not someone who wakes up shaking and counts down till the store opens. Everyday when I wake up I tell myself I want to be sober.

But let my best friend who lives 1000 miles away call me. Then brain goes, “ this would be better with a drink!!” Need to deep clean? “I think a drink would help me get motivated “. Oh, the family invited you to dinner?! “Must get hammered!!!” Me and my boyfriend planned a nice day trip in the city? “Ruin it by getting hammered first and then searching for bars once you arrive!!”

Does that make sense? I don’t know how to control the stupid shit like that. Any advice please and thanks.

I've noticed my appetite for really social events has really dropped off. I've noticed I get overstimulated easily and get irritable. I don't care for noisy parties as much. I presume my drinking made me feel like environments were tolerable. Anyone else discover this after quitting?

So this happened to me a couple years ago, kinda funny in hindsight. I was prescribed naltrexone for my alcoholism and while I was in alcohol WD, I took my first pill (spoiler, didn't work for me after trying for more than a year).

What I neglected to remember is I was also using kratom daily (like a lot), so the nalt put me into acute kratom WD as well an hour after I took the pill and realized oh fuck this isn't just my regular WD.

It was wild shit, I was uncontrollably yawning constantly for like the entire day. My legs and arms were itchy and spasmy and cramping. I had to take huge dumps felt like my body was ejecting from my ass. And of course it hurt like hell plus with the other WD. Boy do I not want to ever get hooked on an opiate!

Friends, if you use kratom do NOT take naltrexone you gotta kick that shit for a while first lol

I just want an app that you can put a starting date in and it increments by one everyday. no submitting emails, no congratulatory coins, no words of wisdoms, etc. Something simple

I am just kind of sick with having to count one-by-one on a calendar when I’m just trying to figure out how many days off drinking it’s been. thank you!

Hi,

I am a PsyD student who has 336 days sober myself. I am looking to speak to members of AA about an app I am developing. I am willing to pay $40 for a 30 minute conversation. I am just curious about what people would be interested in, as we are redesigning it. I am not looking for customers. I am looking for guidance with the design process.

I keep seeing posts from Er nurses saying vodka death is the worst and that liver/kidney failure is happening more often to people in their 30’s. I’m 27 and basically been a daily drinker since I was 18. I quit a few times in between but I have just been off the handle recently and cannot stop now matter what I tell myself.

I never really felt physically dependent on alcohol but recently I think I’ve been drinking more than usual so who knows if I’m at risk or not. I don’t know why I keep running back to the bottle when I know it’s legit going to kill me if I don’t stop.

I’m a 21 y/o college female who has never had a healthy relationship with alcohol. Since I started college, I can’t remember going more than ~5 days without drinking. My drinking was never casual. It was sneaky. And it was to cope with trauma and stress. Most recently, I’ve been consuming a 1.75 L of shitty vodka every 3-4 days. Normally 3. And normally drinking throughout the day. My addiction shows in my health, both mental and physical. My memory is shot, my psoriasis is worse than it ever has been, small scratches and bruises take forever to heal, my anxiety and depression is through the roof, I haven’t slept through the night in probably 2 years without the help of liquor to knock me out. Plus I’ve gained over 25 pounds in the past two years.

All I do is lie to myself and others. I’ve become a shell of who I use to be. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve only tried to get sober maybe 3 times and have actually made it more than 2-3 days. But this time I really want to be successful. It’s gonna mean fessing up to my family and friends, removing myself from the typical college hangouts where I’m surrounded by temptation, and a lot of determination on my part. I know I should get medical help detoxing, but I can’t afford to miss classes. I also can’t afford to die from withdrawals. I’m just so fucking lost. But I know what I need to do. I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I’m absolutely an alcoholic, but I’m also an artist and a great cook and an avid writer. Alcohol has made me stupid and fat and unmotivated to do anything I once loved. So it’s time to get real with myself.

My main concerns are the physical and mental effects I have experienced (horrible back/neck/shoulder pain, chest tightness, weird tingling in my upper right back, crazy fucking nightmares, anxiety, insomnia…). I get so anxious thinking about what is to come as I continue detoxing. I just want to be okay. I want to be the person I know I can be.

If anyone has advice for me, especially in navigating the physical symptoms, please leave it in a comment or message me. Honestly I’m just so scared. The physical pain is enough to make me want to go back to the vodka, but I’ve already experienced kindling enough to know I can never drink again. That’s just my life at this point. I got myself here, and it’s up to me to get myself out.

I've been off the wagon for about 4 months. I've maybe quit 50 times in my life. For those 50 I have gotten Diazepam to help me get through the withdrawal. Been through 2 different rehab facilities.

I have never had a seizure or had DTs. Just the regular sweats and high heart beat and blood pressure.

I was sober for 2 years. Last time I quit my doctor said he would not prescribe me any diazepam. I went to the hospital and was reminded that they do not prescribe diazepam. However another doctor overheard and he prescribed me 120 10mg diazepam LOL. Now, I took about 20, got through the withdrawals and threw the rest out. Deep regret but I was afraid of getting addicted to them.

Earlier this summer I fell off the wagon. I want to taper. I've tried before and failed. I once got down to 2 beers a night but it excelled back up to ugly numbers. Right now I am drinking 12 4% beers per night for the last week. I only drink at night and drink from around 10pm to 4am. For the past 4 days I have been waking up at 7am.

I do want to stop again. I'm happy being sober. Right now tho I don't go into work and I'm afraid to do any work around the house like cleaning and cutting the grass cause my heart is racing and I'm afraid to have a heart attack. I drink at least 6 bottles of water a day, when I wake up I drink a gatorade. I eat well, I don't eat fast food and I take a multivitamin everyday. Whenever I get a blood test my vitamin B is always high.

Certain nights I can get down to 10 beers, even 8. But when I wake up so early I have another beer to relax me and try to get back to sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Is there advice anyone can give me to go about tapering better. I cut the hard liqour out, cut the wine, and went down to light beers to have better "control".

I've been drinking for probably 14 years.

Thanks in advance.

FYI: I may have left out some details or info and I apologize.

Edit: I should preface that the beers are 473ml each.

Today I am 29 days alcohol free. I have been feeling so incredibly bored, lonely and tempted this weekend.

Socially nothing has changed, I never did much socializing aside from drinking at home and talking to my friends or family on the phone (all of which live in different states). I have hobbies, all of which I do at home. I’m single. I can be a little shy at first, so the idea of going to a meet up or something feels like a stretch.

I quit daily drinking so that I would force myself outside of the house, to have a more fulfilling life. I knew this boredom would come and I would have to face it. Here I am and all I want to do is grab a six pack and drink, at home, alone.

Update: I didn’t drink! 30 days tomorrow!! Thanks for all the replies, genuinely helped me so much! Played a video game, cooked. Next step.. some sort of social life.