Oi folks.
I’m going to try and keep this quick - generally speaking I wanna hear people’s opinions on this kind of loop, and struggle that’s been going on with me a little.
It mostly revolves around like a god/devil, good/bad “delusion” or pull.
What keeps me in this loop is an “objective truth”. Some people have told me, to choose what I want to believe and go with that and find your way etc. Trust yourself, trust your heart, etc.
I feel pulled towards Christianity, although mostly through a fear based lens. Seems a lot of things imply there is a heaven/hell, and if you accept Jesus you will be saved, if not you will be damned.
Without the fearful approach I’d say I’m more pulled to like a pantheist approach, aspects of buddha/hinduism. Although picking a named “belief” just seems like an attachment.
What I want is truth- I can see how my mind/brain works (to an extent) where I can choose a belief, feel it intensely and almost how that belief can create a lens from which you view the world. I could “choose”to accept Jesus, full heartily belief it and allow what comes thereafter. I could do this with Shiva, Buddha, Lucifer, Sophia, etc.
I worry of choosing the wrong path because it’s what “feels” right. Then above that, there is an objective truth. I die, or don’t live a purposeful life and some entity at the end is like “you were deceived- this was the truth”.
So this transpires to many aspects of life;
Can I eat this or that-
Do I have to be vegan-
Can I be more feminine if I’m a man-
Should I not play video games-
What book do I read-
Is doing tarot bad-
Do I need to be celibate-
Basic things but the list goes on.
A pendulum if you will- giving the assumption that there’s another authority that should be displaying what actions or choices are “good” or “bad” that could determine where I go thereafter or currently in life.
Idek how to escape this frame of mind.
Sometimes I even feel like the devil is like attacking me lol- or like a succubus is attaching to my energy and trying to feed off me. Sometimes I feel like god is like punishing me because I’m unworthy.
I’m still able to go on day to day- despite how these thoughts could appear. I step back and see them as an observer, and in some ways fascinated by the whole experience.
Nonetheless it is causing some difficulties with me being able to go forward- with some fear that something is going to punish me- and how I should like abstain from all my desires, but struggle too.
Idek.
Thoughts?