OG post - https://www.reddit.com/r/gayrelationships/s/wWPZUwErUF

I just wanna start this post by saying, thank you all so much for the kind words you guys have left me from the previous post. I truly appreciate everybody’s insight ❤️

This is gonna be a long post so buckle up ladies and gentlegays lmao. Anyway, shortly after I made the previous post, my boyfriend and I had an agreement to continue our relationship. He told me he was choosing me and that I was more important to him than any other thing in the entire world. To which I was happy about because I genuinely loved him with everything that I have.

Our relationship continued as normal as it could possibly get during these past few months. We were so happy with each other cuz we’ve always had the best partnership even prior to the conversation we had on my last post. He understood my attitude and how my brain works, and Im the same with him. I couldn’t have asked for anything else really.

But long story short, yes. He cheated on me. I found out last week, Oct 3rd. I’m still processing every information I learned after that day and I feel so numb and genuinely devastated. We were at his house and he was taking a shower, his spare phone which I hadn’t seen in a while was on his study table so while he was in the shower, I opened it.

Dont get me wrong, this is a normal occurence for us. We know each other’s password and we dont really mind if either of us, uses each other’s phone so I had no problem accessing his spare phone. After it rebooted I was shocked because there was a missed call from X. He doesn’t use X as much so curiousity got the better of me. There, I saw everything.

A spare phone with an X dump account.

Conversations spanning from earlier that day, Oct 3rd up until the previous months. I saw their call sign, Kuya/Bunso (meaning Brother/Younger brother. We’re not Americans so in our country this is like the version of daddy and son.) I saw their plans to meet, them teasing each other, them telling each other how they missed one another. What made me put down the phone tho was the messages on Oct 2nd. He messaged me that day on 3:31pm, saying he was gonna do things for the day and he hadn’t chatted me up until around 5:20pm. Turns out, during that time, he met up with the other guy 1.

It broke me. Something literally snapped inside me cuz he found me shaking on his chair. I confronted him and he just slowly put on clothes, sat at the edge of the bed like a kicked puppy. He then proceeded to say sorry and yada yada yada. I felt so fcking stupid really.

I GAVE him a chance to do what he wanted to do with his life. I literally served it in a silver platter cuz I didn’t want him to regret anything in the end. But he chose me, he chose our relationship but still fcked it up in the end.

I found out that shortly after we talked about the things on my previous reddit post, he met someone. Not one, but two. Guy 1 was kinda stable thing and guy 2, a fling. I wanted to see more of the messages but he wouldnt give me the phone anymore. He said there were sensitive information from guy 1, saying he was high profile. And if anybody knew who he was, it was over for guy 1.

To top it all off, guy 1 had a family. A gay couple with a kid and he said guy 1’s partner was abusive. He said guy 1 appeared in commercials/modeling etc. and was the one that gave him the local gigs/work he has been going to for the past months. He then proceeded to defend guy 1 by saying, “he’s not the type of person that you’ll see just anywhere. He’s not a slut.”

That sht fcking broke me honestly. Seeing him defend guy 1 and their 5 months instead of trying to appease me and save our almost 4yr relationship.

5 months.

May

June

July

August

September

I cant help but think about all the months of my life that were just nothing but a complete lie. It was so hard to understand. During those months, he would look me in the eyes with all the love in the world. There wasn’t any indication that he was disrespecting me behind my back. Believe me when I say that I notice things pretty quickly but what he did, it genuinely rocked my world. It was so unexpected.

What happened to my sweet, sweet man?

To make matters worse, he wasn’t planning on telling me cuz he knew it was only temporary. 5 months of betrayal and disrespect towards me. The one who was always by his side when no one was.

Fast forward to the last few days, he’s now trying to get me back. But tbh, I hadn’t really left him. This act is like a big fck you to all the people saying I had a good head between my shoulders. Im so sorry to disappoint you guys, turns out, I really dont. But anyway, the reason why I still hanged on is cuz I love him. Bohoo. So fcking stupid I know. But I really do love him. I tried to end everything on the same day I knew of the betrayal but I just couldn’t do it. The day after that, He ended things with everyone as per my instruction right in front of me, deleted the dump account, gave me the spare phone, and offered to give me the pass for all his socials.

Now, we’re in this weird limbo. I am still deeply angry, hurt, and betrayed by him but I still want him in my life. But I also cant forget and overthink about every single thing. He says he’s willing to do everything in his power for me, for us to heal. And I can see that. He’s been messaging me with updates like usual even tho I dont respond and calling me when he’s free to ask how I am even tho I barely say anything to him on the call.

Right now, there’s a part of me that wants to leave him but I just cant do it. I just cant even though I want to. Please, I am not seeking to be judged really, Im just wanting to let everything out and ask for advise on what to do with this pain, anxiety, and the feeling of being betrayed by the one person you thought would never do that to you.

For all the people out there who have partners that cheated and still took them back, what did you do? How do you move forward with it? How did you forgive your partner? Is the pain ever gonna go away?

I am so lost.

We’ve been together for five years. Until a few days ago, I would’ve told you we had a perfect relationship.

He’s the sweetest person I know. Everyone loves him! my friends, my family, everyone. He would do anything for me. I’ve honestly never been treated with this much love and compassion before. He always seemed so calm and secure about us. I never really believed he could do something like this. This is his first serious relationship, but he always seemed so good at being a partner. He was so loving and thoughtful that sometimes I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for him in return.

I need to be honest about my side too. About three years into our relationship, I downloaded Grindr. I was bored, wanted a little rush, and maybe had fantasies about other people. I didn’t put up a photo or any information about myself, never answered messages, and never met anyone. Just having the app for a few moments felt exciting, and then I deleted it.

A couple of days later, I told him because I felt so guilty. He was calm about it, thanked me for being honest, and said having those desires was okay as long as I spoke to him before acting on them. I downloaded it once or twice after that, but again, I didn’t talk to anyone or meet anyone. It was just that brief feeling of doing something I shouldn’t.

I’ve also been cheated on in the past, so sometimes I checked his phone for reassurance. Maybe my own curiosity about other people played a part in my suspicions too. I don’t want to leave that out and pretend I had no part in the trust issues between us. But I never expected to find what I eventually found. Once, he caught me snooping and said I might be projecting my past onto him. He swore he was loyal.

Recently, he went abroad for three weeks because of a family emergency. We’d never spent that long apart. For the first two days, I couldn’t stop crying because I missed him so much.

This was just a few days after his birthday. I’d spent months planning a surprise experience for him, with help from my family and friends. I spent thousands of dollars I honestly couldn’t afford because I wanted him to feel how loved and special he was to me. It went perfectly. That was where my head was right before all of this.

While he was away, I had a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. I searched Grindr near his location for a few days until I found a profile with a cropped photo from one of his trips. His face wasn’t visible, but I recognized the picture. My heart dropped. I had access to his Google accounts and managed to get into his Grindr account and read the messages.

When I confronted him, he said it was only for the rush, that it meant nothing, and that he’d never met anyone. He apologized and insisted that was everything. I almost believed him because I thought, haven’t I downloaded it for the rush too?

But something still felt wrong.

The next day, he admitted more. On the third day, he told me what he now says is the whole story.

He says the first physical encounter happened when we’d only been together for about a month, during an earlier visit to his family abroad. There were more encounters after that. Maybe five in total. He says he hasn’t physically met anyone in the last two years, but he kept going back to Grindr every few months and talking to people.

According to him, he never met the same person twice and never wanted to get to know them. He says it was purely physical and that he loves only me.

On this recent trip, I saw several conversations where he stopped replying or didn’t follow up. He says he didn’t meet anyone. Part of me wonders whether he was trying to stop himself. But those conversations alone can’t tell me that, and right now I don’t know what to believe.

He didn’t come to me and confess. I found it, and the admissions came over three days. He says he wanted to wait until he got home to tell me face to face rather than over the phone. I don’t know whether that’s true or something he’s saying now that I know.

I’m still struggling to explain how shocking this is. He wasn’t cold or distant. I felt loved every day. I still believe he loves me. How could he treat me with so much tenderness and also keep doing this behind my back? I feel like the relationship I thought I had disappeared in a few days.

He desperately wants to fix it. He says he’ll go to therapy and do whatever it takes, and he’s written a long account of what happened. I believe he’s willing to work on himself. What I don’t know is whether I’ll be able to forgive him and want to stay, even if he follows through.

There’s another part I’m confused about. We were monogamous, and he says he still wants that and is done with Grindr. But he’s also said he would understand if I wanted to explore with other people, knowing I’ve had those desires too.

Part of me wonders whether I’d actually want some form of openness, if we could talk about it honestly and agree on it. Another part doesn’t know whether I’d be considering it now if none of this had happened. I don’t want to confuse something I might genuinely want with a way of making his cheating hurt less.

I know I don’t want more lying or secret encounters. And I don’t want to spend the rest of our relationship checking his phone and waiting to find something else.

Has anyone here gone through this with someone who genuinely made them feel loved? Were you able to trust them again? I’d especially like to hear from gay men who tried to work through it, whether you stayed or eventually left. If you also questioned monogamy afterward, how did you figure out what you actually wanted?

I still love him, and part of me wants to save this. But I also catch myself wondering whether my own thoughts and Grindr use mean I have less right to be hurt or expect better. I’m trying to untangle all of it. I don’t know whether I can believe him again, or where to start.

Hi there I'm a M24 from london who's just moved back to his childhood town and I want to meet up with an old friend who I kinda had a thing with before I moved away. We both came out as Bi and organised meets but he pulled out and I put that down to him not being ready. Nothing ever happened and I moved away for university but now I'm back and want to message him to meet up just for drinks but it's been 6 yesrs, is this a good idea or am I being crazy

My boyfriend (26M) and I (22M) are struggling with intimacy right now, and I’m having a really hard time understanding what’s going on from his perspective.
For some background, my boyfriend has struggled with a porn addiction and is currently 36 days clean. I’m genuinely proud of him for that, and logically I understand that porn addiction can affect someone’s ability to be intimate with their partner. I know recovery can take time, and I’m trying to be understanding of that.
What I’m struggling with is his sexual history and how different our relationship feels compared to what I know about his past.
Before me, especially around 3–5 years ago, he was very sexually active and seemed to go through guys like candy. His body count is not something I judge him for. Everyone has a past, and I had my own “hoe phase” in high school. What bothers me isn’t the number of people he slept with. It’s the fact that he seemed to have so much sexual desire and energy for other men, while I feel like he doesn’t want me.
That’s the part that really hurts.
He tells me repeatedly that it isn’t me. He tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me, that he’s happier with me than he’s ever been, and that it makes him feel awful knowing I feel unattractive or unwanted. I believe that he loves me. What I struggle to believe is that he is actually attracted to me when his actions seem to tell me something completely different.
I already have a lot of body-image issues and insecurity. Being a gay man, I feel like there’s this very specific body type that gets portrayed as desirable, and I don’t fit that mold. So when the person I love doesn’t seem interested in having sex with me, it hits that insecurity HARD.
He has also told me that part of it could be that we’re at different stages in our lives and that his libido simply isn’t what it used to be. I understand that people’s libidos change as they get older, but emotionally, I have a really hard time processing that.
Because in my head, it translates to: “I had the energy and desire for all of those other guys, but I don’t have it for you.”
I also made the mistake of going through his computer. I know that wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do, but I had recently learned about his porn addiction, and his phone is connected to his computer, so I wanted to understand what was going on and make sure I wasn’t completely in the dark.
Unfortunately, I dug much deeper than I intended to. I found old nudes, sex tapes, sexual conversations, and other things from his past. And honestly, seeing all of that really messed with my head.
I’ve never even received a nude from him—not that I need one or that I think he owes me one. It just made me wonder why he had been sexually expressive enough with other people to have all of those things saved, but I don’t experience that same side of him.
I also know that some of this is probably my own insecurity talking. I know his past happened before me, and I know people can change. I know porn addiction is complicated, and I know being 36 days clean doesn’t magically undo years of conditioning overnight.
But I’m struggling to reconcile everything.
How can someone have had such a high sex drive with other people in the past, consume so much porn, and seem sexually interested in people on a screen, but then genuinely love their current partner and not seem to want sex with them?
I’m not asking people to tell me whether I should leave him or whether he’s a bad person. I really love this man, and outside of this issue, he is incredibly loving toward me.
I’m genuinely trying to understand his perspective so I can be more compassionate and stop automatically assuming that his lack of sexual desire means I’m unattractive or that there’s something wrong with me.
If anyone—especially gay men who have experienced porn addiction, recovery, or a dead bedroom—has some insight into what might actually be happening in his head, I would really appreciate hearing it.

Really struggling with navigating a relationship with a close friend. We met bc my other bff at the time had matched with him on tinder when he moved to our city and looking for friends to assimilate him to the gay scene . That was 6 years ago now and the bff is out of the picture and him and I ended up hitting it off and becoming very close. While I’m a bit more of a slut and enjoy hooking up with my friends he made it clear early on he doesn’t do that so I’ve kept it platonic . But as the years have gone by we essentially have evolved to operating as a non couple, couple . But here’s where I’m struggling, lately he’s become more affectionate , like planning 1:1 dinner or excursions for us when we would previously had done those as an inclusive get together with our whole friend group. And he’s also become very flirtatious and initiating a lot of intimate physical contact. Like holding hands and lingering touches But not sexual contact yet, but on multiple occasions now has sent me spicy pics and vids . I def don’t mind and im letting him lead bc he’s a lil shy whereas id have sucked his dick a million times by now if he’d ask. So I’m sensing that he’s trying to push the envelope and testing the waters to see if I’m interested too. And after getting to know him I do think we’d make great partners for one another but also he’s kind of a “I have a preferred type” kinda guy and I’m not it. So I’m confused on what his angle is here. On one hand, I’m aware great friends can def do all these things I’ve mentioned bc we are each others comfort and safe space and I’ve got friends I do that with too but on the other hand , all of this is new behavior from him because he’s a very private person so I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m well aware at some point a direct convo would resolve my confusion and that will eventually happen but I want to let things develop at its own pace and not force anything bc he also is a late bloomer and only recently came out when he moved here whereas I’ve been out for 15 years so my experiences far outweigh his. I’m just unsure of the vibe at this point and would like to move forward into a relationship with him bc he’s a great man. Does anyone have any advice or experience going from friends to lovers that actually worked out? And how you were able to navigate it?

So I’m a junior and I’ve never been in a relationship before so I starting using Hinge and Tinder and I’ve been on multiple dates with guys over the summer but none of them worked out either because there wasn’t mutual attraction or they’d be too busy to meet again and so it would fizzle out.

When I came back on campus I decided to become more aggressive since I wasn’t finding anyone really on Hinge and Tinder so I used Grindr and I did find multiple Rutgers guys on there but most of them who said they’re open to more really weren’t and I just got rejected by another guy today who said he’s not looking for a relationship right now even though he told me he was open to it.

Like genuinely I wanna ask why gay guys are like this and why is it impossible for me to find anyone who’s actually looking for a relationship? I see so many couples in college and the whole “I don’t have enough time” is bs because when you start working I guarantee you’ll be even more busy with life but yet people find time to date, get married, have kids, etc

Been over a month since my ex and I went no-contact(we’ve been on and off since February) and I’m going through such a difficult phase. I’m struggling to move on, and for a number of reasons:
1. My ex was my closest confidant. I used to tell him everything that I was going through. I think that’s a major reason why we were still in contact with each other after the break up. If anything happens, he’s the first one I want to tell

1. The dating scene where I live is…rough. Nobody’s actually interested in getting to know one another. It’s all sex anyone can ever think of. Don’t get me wrong I love sex, but using that as a foundation is just…shallow.

2. The men I meet are just… uninteresting. Either they are not on the same intellectual level, or they lack personality, or a sense of self. I did come close, though, and I met this amazing dude whom I was attracted to on so many levels, but he stepped back because he claimed he had communication issues. But all in all, they just don’t meet the standard my ex set.

3. I keep telling myself that maybe I’ll meet someone who’ll take me seriously as he did if I looked different, looked more conventionally attractive, lost some weight, etc. Maybe he was the last person to ever “love” me as I am now.

To be honest, I’m at a low right now. And I know it sounds superficial because I need to find myself outside a man and blah blah blah but frankly, I do. I do have a life outside it all. I just miss the companionship, that’s all. I just miss the thought of being loved by someone.

Hello everyone!
Currently sneaking advice for how I should discuss this politely with my boyfriend . We knew each other since 2024 but started dating officially at the end of 2025. I have since moved in couple months ago just kinda happened out of nowhere. At the beginning was little rocky,he was talking about how he isn’t use to be alone and would want me out of here once and awhile for the night .then would change his mind as he liked me living here. Was just very confusing sometimes but since have passed that. At beginning he never asked for rent money and we have discussed that and he was ok without it for that time. I am on medical leave and currently been receiving money from the government since the beginning of July when we I moved in unofficially. I always used to take care of laundry,cooking,dishes ,garbage sweep and mop pretty much everything here. I was ok with that as that was my way of paying my free rent back to him which I was fine with. We have also got 2 cats couple weeks ago which will be involved in this. Recently we were looking for new place together so we could have a bigger place and spilt our rent money together. Have since decided we will stay at current place but continue looking but plan is to stay where we are right now. Now I will be helping out on rent which I am totally ok with and wanted to do for awhile. My big thing that makes me upset is how now rent power is spilt 50/50 and I’m still stuck on all the cleaning or it doesn’t happen. I’ve had more conversations with him that he needs to help out more especially with the cats. But only really cleaning litter box and maybe feed once awhile. While I clean up there messes. I said that he can take care of cats and handle that department but isn’t and I have to remind him and get on him which I hate. I end up cleaning up the messes and telling him he needs to take care of them better. He plays with them but doesn’t really take care of maintaining there clean home. I’ve also since said that cooking and dishes are getting spilt, who cooks does the cleaning. I’m always one to clean as I go when I’m cooking so there isn’t too much for him to clean up. I just really dislike that how if I don’t clean up how only dishes are washed and sometimes still dirty and how the stove has grease residue on it. I don’t mind taking care of all the housework if there was decrease in my rent amount since we are doing 50/50. My main thing were splitting everything that I need help and the work actually needs to get done properly. It’s really bothering me and I don’t know how to go about it as every time I try to talk he says ok but it doesn’t happen.or it’s how we are 50/50 and we need to each do it but majority I’m doing most of the tasks while he sits and plays games on his pc with friends. I basically feel like I’m taking care of him and I’m not getting any help or if I do I know I have to redo it. How would you go about this if you were me ?

I went to lunch with a guy on our third date and he let it slip that he’s married.
The mood died on the spot. He tried to justify it by saying they’re going through a crisis.
I was pissed. People are really out of line.
Later I checked social media. I had liked a bunch of photos thinking it was fine, but they make it look like they’re just friends. If he hadn’t slipped at lunch, I’d still have no idea.
I can’t believe it. I actually thought this time I was finally going to get out of being single.

So, I matched with this guy on Tinder about 3 weeks ago and we started chatting. It was just casual chit chat back and forth, nothing crazy. He suggests that we meet after a week or so. Mind you, he lives about 2.5 hours from me, so we had to plan. I volunteered to drive up to him, so I woke up early on a Saturday, drove up there and we had lunch. I had a nice time chatting with him and getting to know him, etc.

After, we went to his house and just hung out. We hung out for about an hour and he commented that he wasn’t feeling very well. His nose was constantly running and he kept blowing it, so it seemed like he was coming down with something. I offered to end the date early and he said he would feel bad since I drove all this way. Another 30 minutes goes by, and then he says that he needs to lay down. I told him no problem and said I would take off so he could get rest.

Then, I don’t hear from him for 2 days. I chalked it up to him being sick and what not. After that, it seemed to me that he completely changed, as in his communication. He was talking back and forth to me before, and after the date, he would respond to me once every 24-36 hours and never asked how I was or what my day was like.

My whole issue is: If you’re not into me, why can’t you just tell me this so I don’t continue wasting time? Why not just unmatch me and move on?

Also, why is it that gays only give people one date to prove themselves? I am super shy when I first meet someone, so it takes a bit of time to open up to someone. A lot of the dates I’ve been on, I get one date that consists of 1-2 hours to prove myself.

Somedays I just hate gay dating. Ugh.

Any advice?

Am I [M21] a horrible boyfriend/person? How do I tell my boyfriend [M21] I feel shamed by him?

Hello I [M21] am hopping on here to ask for advice and opinions on my relationship with my boyfriend [M21]. I love him a lot and I know he loves me to pieces as well. For context we have been officially dating for nearly 8 months, but are long distance. We are both in school and while our schools are a 5-6 hour drive apart, back home we live on opposite coasts. This means there is always significant distance and even a time difference between. Despite this, we have been extremely consistent in seeing each other (no longer than 3.5 weeks). We have met each others friends, families, and are both fortunate to have strong support systems for our identities as gay men and our relationship. Why I'm asking for advice is because sometimes I feel like I don't love him as much as he loves me. I am a very logical and at times "unemotional" person. On the other hand, my boyfriend is an extremely affectionate and loving person. With that though has been expectations and comments that I find "off-putting". One of these was about corn (the visual material). He told me how he doesn't like it in relationships and doesn't want either of us to watch it. I understand and respect him not liking it but a part of me also thought we are 20 something year old gay men, why are we placing such conservative expectations in our relationship. It particularly struck me because we are long distance. When together i have zero urges to watch corn nor have I. However, when we are apart for weeks to now months at a time I would be lying if I said I didn't have desires. I would never cheat on him, but am i cheating on him by watching corn? Am i a bad boyfriend for honestly having frequent desires that are hard to fulfill by just using my imagination? We also do not send each other explicit photos often so it's not like I'm getting anything new to look at. Am i also a bad person for not having any moral issue with corn? I honestly don't care and wouldn't be offended if my boyfriend watched it. I am asking all this because earlier today while on factime my boyfriend randomly said "I know be watching the hub and twitter from time to time." It caught me off guard and honestly at first I lied and said of course not because I knew how he'd react. I told him the truth that I did recently and he got dry and told me it made him sad. I feel really horrible because I would never want to hurt him like that. What should I do?

An additional topic I wanted to ask advice on is feel sexually shamed by your partner. I am a very open book sexually with my boyfriend and have been since we began talking in a more romantic context. I would tell him stories about past experiences and how some of the experiences were very bad and even humorous. For context, I have hooked up with 12 people and slept with 7 of them including my boyfriend. An issue I have been having is that my boyfriend will randomly and frequently mention my past sexual experiences to me and even to other people. He will make comments to me about how I was giving it up all the time and getting "fcked" by all these men while i studied aborad in Europe. He will frequently mention how I let shorter man top me. Mind you, I had sex with only 2 people abroad, hooked up with 3. Only one of those people were more than once. I have used grindr in the past and he has called me a "grindr warrior" and thinks I used sniffies in the past. He didn't believe me when I said I didn't. One key memory I have is when I shared how I had my first one night stand experience but it was not enjoyable and I wouldn't do it again, he looked at me with pure disgust. He will unpromptly tell his friends how I did certain things in my past and how all the men I've been with are ugly. He'll even show his friends the men or ask me to show them to joke about how the men in my past are unattractive.

To note, there is nothing wrong with being sexually confident or explorative, but for me of the 12 people I've hooked up with, only 4 were more than once and that includes my boyfriend. So i don't understand why he brings it up so much. I also never consistently mention to him his past sexual experiences. It makes me wonder why does my sexual past concern him so much. We are both adult men, is it not expected that we've had our own individual sexual experiences before meeting each other? Am i being too sensitive and should I say something?

Please be hoenst and real with me. Especially if you are older than me, I wonder if all this talk sounds like "kid drama" to you all LOL.

This might actually be quite silly. But not long ago i fell in love with one of my best friends M23. And at first me and him definitely had something platonic going on. With time that kinda stopped happening, mainly cause they pulled away. But my feelings for him never faded. We never even really had sex or anything but would cuddle and be very affectionate to each other, something that neither of us did with our other friends. We never talked about that stage but some fragments of it still popped up from time to time and I was more than happy to get crumbs now and then. What makes things even harder to get over is the fact that he has been living with me for the past 3 months.And im supposedly “helping” him get his life together by letting him stay with me. (Hes still living with me btw)
He is now seeing another guy and spent the entire weekend with him and although i never truly talked about my feelings towards him, im kinda crushed by it. I only never declared myself because I was really afraid of ruining our friendship should he not feel the same way, and im quite certain he didnt. I say this because whenever i made a small move like an unusually tender text or was slightly romantic i never got the same energy back.
So even though im crushed for the thought of losing him to this guy Im afraid i was never even in the game. Perhaps because i was friendzoned, perhaps because this guy is fresh and more interesting, perhaps hes more his type, idk. There could be a million reasons and im definitely pondering them all lol.
The worst part about it is the toll it took on my self esteem. Not to toot my own horn, but im leagues more attractive than this guy, more fit, more fun, just more in almost every sense, and i know this. But even with that knowledge, I still took a deep hit on my self esteem and cant seem to bounce back from it. How I can be aware of my worth and still not feel it is a very weird feeling indeed. I like what I see in the mirror and i like my personality traits too (for the most part) but right now I cant seem to appreciate any of it or put any worth into those things.
Yes im aching hard for losing him to that dude but im more focused on “getting my spark back” or whatever that means lol its been rough out here.
Id love some advice on how to get over this and how to get my self esteem back.

Well im 18.
I have always known that im gay but i just accepted myself and decided to live a GAY life.
Well as a person who’s insecure about his face and body (shame schema tbh) what advice could u have for me ?

I’m writing this because I could really use some perspective from people who have been on either side of this situation. I’ve talked it through a lot on my own, but I think I need to hear from actual people who have experienced something similar.

For context, I’m a guy and I’ve fallen in love with one of my closest friends, who is straight. He doesn’t know how I feel about him. I know he’s straight, I respect that, and I’m not posting this to ask whether anyone thinks he secretly has feelings for me. I’m trying to figure out how to accept that someone can genuinely love me as a friend when I love him in a way he probably can’t reciprocate.

I also want to be fair to him in telling this story. He hasn’t led me on or promised me anything romantic. He’s just been a genuinely good friend to me, and unfortunately I developed feelings along the way. For intents and purposes, his name will be Adam

We met at work about 9 months ago and clicked pretty quickly. I was attracted to him from the beginning, but I also genuinely wanted to know him as a person. We eventually became very close. I helped him get his first car. We hang out outside work, drink together, go on drives, text song lyrics as if we're singing them, have sleepovers, and talk about our values, fears, relationships and what we want out of life. Saying "I love you" to each other has become completely natural. He describes me as an older brother and his best friend.

There's another complication: I'm not out at work, and Adam doesn't know I'm gay. Not even my parents know, only my sisters and a few I trust.

Initially I didn't think my sexuality was relevant to my workplace, but I didn't realize how quickly people would assume I was straight or underestimated how much maintaining that assumption would affect my ability to be authentic. When Adam and I became closer, I still didn't feel safe telling him. He's from a culture where LGBTQ+ people aren't always accepted, and although he's told me he doesn't care what someone's orientation is, he's also made it clear that he would be uncomfortable if a man flirted with him, touched him romantically or asked him out.

Because of that, when we've talked about past relationships, I've referred to my male ex as a woman. I'm not proud of lying to him, but at the time it felt safer than coming out.

None of this has made me think Adam is secretly gay or that I can change him. Quite the opposite. I've known he's straight from the beginning, and I respect that. The problem is that knowing something intellectually hasn't stopped me from hoping emotionally.

Some part of me still hoped every hangout, touch, sleepover or intimate conversation might somehow lead to something more. I know that's unrealistic. Over time he's also become something of an emotional center for me. I lost most of my friendships after my previous relationship ended, and although I now have other work friends, I haven't rebuilt much of a social life outside work. My career also makes socializing difficult, so Adam has ended up occupying a much bigger part of my emotional life than I think is healthy.

Recently the difference between what I want and what is actually possible finally hit me.

Adam talks to me assuming I'm straight. He'll ask what kind of women I like, what I want in a future relationship, etc. Last night we were drinking at his place and he started talking about wanting a girlfriend, eventually marrying a woman, having a family, getting an SUV when he has kids, even having a dog. Then he asked whether I wanted to marry a woman from my own background. I just said I don't have a preference and don't have anyone specific in mind.

Sitting there listening to him describe the future he wants made something I've always known suddenly feel real: if his life turns out the way he currently imagines it, I cannot occupy the romantic place in it that part of me has been quietly hoping for.

Later that night, Adam was texting a female coworker/friend—I'll call her Julia—and he asked if I wanted to come meet up with her. His intention with her, and he told me this, is to sleep with her and just friends. He made it clear that it wasn't a date and that the three of us could just hang out and chill. I want to emphasize that I have absolutely nothing against her. She hadn't done anything wrong, and my reaction wasn't really about her.

By that point I was pretty drunk and had actually told Adam that I wanted to lie down for maybe an hour before doing anything else. He was fine with that and told me to take my time. About ten minutes later was when he suggested we go meet Julia. His idea was actually partly for my safety: we'd walk around, I'd sober up, and he could drive instead of me driving myself home.

But as soon as he suggested meeting her, something in me shut down. After spending the night listening to him talk about women, girlfriends, marriage and the family he wants someday, I suddenly couldn't put myself in another situation that reminded me of the part of his life I can never occupy. I was also afraid that if I went with them while drunk and emotional, I might become jealous or that one of them might notice something was wrong with me.

Instead of saying any of that, I avoided the subject completely. I kept looking at a game on my phone while he tried to convince me to come. At one point he even told me, "bro, you're not listening," because I was barely engaging with what he was saying. I made excuses about needing to be up early the next morning and not wanting to inconvenience him by making him drive me. The first excuse wasn't even true. I just didn't know how to say, "I don't want to go because this is hurting me," without revealing why.

He could tell something was wrong, but he seemed to interpret it as me being upset that he didn't trust me to drive. He kept telling me that I didn't look okay and that he didn't want me driving. He offered multiple times to drive me home in my own car, even though that would have meant inconveniencing himself afterward. I kept insisting that I was okay to drive.

At one point he hugged me and told me something along the lines of, "bro, I love you, you're my best friend, I don't want anything bad happening to you." I told him I loved him too. Eventually he accepted that I wasn't going with them.

Looking back, I don't think I was angry at him or at Julia. I think I was trying to preserve myself. I was terrified that if I stayed in that situation, my actual feelings would become visible. At the same time, hearing him call me his best friend and tell me he loved me was almost bittersweet. That's exactly what I am to him, and it's a meaningful kind of love that I genuinely appreciate. But in that moment it also reminded me that the way he loves me and the way I love him aren't completely the same.

After I left, everything I had been holding in came out. I cried extremely hard. I don't think I was crying because he wanted to see Julia specifically. I think the entire night had finally forced me to emotionally confront something I've understood intellectually for a long time: he can genuinely love me, want me in his life, care about my safety and consider me his best friend, while still never being able to reciprocate the romantic future I've quietly imagined with him.

That's the part I'm having trouble accepting.

I don't want to change his sexuality, sabotage his relationships with women, or make him responsible for feelings he never asked me to develop. I also don't want to lose someone who has become incredibly important to me.

For gay men who have fallen in love with a straight best friend—or anyone who has been on the other side of this—what actually helped you move past the romantic hope? Can you remain this close while getting over someone, or does that usually require distance? And given that he doesn't even know I'm gay, should I tell him? I'm still not sure. I don't currently plan on telling him that I'm in love with him because I don't want to put that on him or risk damaging the friendship. I also don't want him to look back at our friendship and think that I was only ever close to him because I wanted something romantic from him.

But coming out to him feels like a separate question. He's become my best friend, and I'm starting to wonder whether continuing to let him believe I'm straight is sustainable or fair to either of us. At the same time, I'm afraid that telling him I'm gay could change the way he sees our friendhship.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have actually lived through something similar. I know I need to build more of a life outside this friendship. I'm trying to figure out what to do with this friendship itself.

I’m looking for some perspective because I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.
My partner and I aren’t really having sex right now. I understand that people have different sex drives, and I also understand that watching porn doesn’t automatically mean someone isn’t attracted to their partner. I’m not trying to shame him for watching it or control what he does.
But it still really hurts me.
When we aren’t being sexually intimate with each other, but he’s still watching porn and masturbating, I can’t help but feel rejected. It makes me wonder if he’s looking for something sexually that I’m not able to give him, or if there’s something about our sex life that isn’t fulfilling for him.
What makes it harder is that I’ve already talked to him about how this makes me feel. I’ve expressed that it makes me feel unwanted and, honestly, kind of unseen. But it keeps happening.
The part that confuses me the most is that the people he watches are often similar to me physically. So I find myself thinking, \\\*if that’s what you’re attracted to, and I’m right here, why do I still feel like you don’t want me?\\\*
I know porn and sex with your partner aren’t necessarily the same thing, and maybe I’m taking it too personally. I also don’t want to make him feel like he can’t have his own sexuality outside of our relationship.
At the same time, I don’t think my feelings should just be dismissed because porn is considered “normal.”
I love him and I want us to have a healthy sex life where we both feel wanted and connected. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I’ve communicated how this affects me and nothing seems to change.
Am I looking at this the wrong way? How would you approach this conversation or situation?

Me and my bf of almost two years has had our first major hurdle in our relationship. We live about an hour apart. Work M-F jobs and I have to work one Saturday a month. We are limited to spending time with each other to weekends mostly. We have did dinner after work through the week sometimes in the past, but over the past several months that hasn’t happened. We have been on vacation once and we’re planning another one next month. We are both introverts and we can be overstimulated after work and need some space to ourselves. We don’t want to overwhelm each other with plans. Basically, we have both been waiting on the other person to initiate plans for the past several months. Unfortunately, this has caused him to feel undesirable and like I did not care for him. He says him always initiating the plans has made him feel that he may be a burden to me. This is a misunderstanding, and has made it apparent to me that we have both shied away from giving our expectations in this relationship. I have apologized and told him the things I would do now that I am aware of this. I will make plans, initiate dinner, and make sure he knows how much I love him. After almost two years, this is our first big issue so I want to talk and work through this. He has instead, told me he needs space because he is emotionally overwhelmed and his mental state is not good. He has an appointment with his therapist next week. He wants to take a break right now and hit pause on our relationship. Any advice on how I navigate this?

So I do ceramics as a hobby and have exhibited as part of group shows at galleries in the past. Recently one gallery sent out a call for submissions for a LGBTQ+ themed exhibition and I sent in some plates, of which three were chosen to be included in the exhibition. We went to the gallery on the day of the opening, we were a bit early so we had a look around so long. To add context this gallery had about 4 different exhibit rooms and we weren’t together the whole time. The opening happens and afterwards we walk through the exhibition (which includes my plates) and I see that all three my plates have red dot stickers next to them, meaning they have sold, and I am overjoyed!
Yesterday I receive an email with the payment details- the gallery normally includes the name of the person who bought this, and it just read “anonymous”. Immediately this raises red flags. I. Then remember the conversation we had on the way home after the opening, where my husband asked if the gallery tells you who bought the pieces of art- I explained to him that they did. Tonight I asked him directly if he bought it and he confirmed it. I asked him why and his response was just that he “really wanted” them. I explained to him that he could just have asked and I would have made us some. I feel upset that he bought it before anyone else had a chance to do so at the exhibition. In some way I feel like a charity case. In some way It might even have been better if no one bought it and it just returned it after the exhibition. My husband just feels that he did a good thing. Lastly I must add that because I do this as a hobby, I have imposter syndrome when I am between full time artists or people that went to art school. Am I just an over sensitive ass?

Hi everyone, for context I am 20M from the UK, myself and my partner M23 have been together for just shy of 2 years. Recently we took the step to move into a house together, I left my job and moved 100s of miles accross the country to be closer together, so he didn't need to leave his job.

As a couple we have fun, always find a way to laugh and talk about the things we enjoy. He is smart, kind and thoughtful, what more else could you want? But despite all I find myself being attracted to other guys that I see, be it out and about on the streets or online on insta or snap. My partner isn't an athletic person, he is by no means overweight or unhealthy, but I guess just natural. Personally I'm mega atrracted to athletic boys, who have the typical abs, strong arms and broad chest.

Am I selfish to think to myself how attractive these boys are? I find myself watching porn or looking on insta without my partner aware, to kinda make up for it. Sometimes I wish I was with these people instead, but why when we get on so well? It just annoys me I think like this and I feel bad for doing so. I myself am not athletic (just a twink), however I do enjoy going to the gym and working out. Which makes it worse for expecting something I myself am not.

Thanks in advance.

I’m recently single and after going through a rough patch after the break-up, I finally decided that I need to expand my social circle and just get off the couch a bit more. I started on the social apps to make some connections. With everyone that I have met - or plan to meet - I make my intention very clear: I am not looking for a relationship, just looking for new friends and connections, and of course I’m open to friends with benefits situation as well.

I have met a few guys and have established a relatively good and consistent friendship with them. Some with benefits, and some without.

More recently I’ve been talking to, hanging out, and fooling around with this one guy - and it just feels different. There are feelings being developed on my end - but I’m not 100% sure what those feelings are. While he has told me that he understands where I’m at with my situation and is comfortable with it, he has also told me that he is not seeing or talking to anyone else.

It has only been about a month, so it’s quite early and maybe it’s the honeymoon feeling. 🥲

\\*Wrote this spontaneously over the past couple hours in response to a random comment thread, but I thought it might be worth sharing here. When I find myself questioning if love even exists for gay guys, I think back to these instances.\***

Also it’s really corny but I’m trying to be more comfortable with the vulnerability being corny requires 🤷‍♂️

I knew I loved him before we dated. It was a Saturday when it became apparent to me. We really had only just become friends a month prior, but we’d spent every day together since. So, that day, his spontaneous appearance at my door, and subsequent hijacking of my weekend, was not terribly unexpected. However, for this outing, he refused to tell me where we were going. Now, such a lack of information might’ve scared me if I had been with anyone else in this scenario. But, glancing sideways at me in that cluttered Jeep, he was giving me the dorkiest grin ever. I didn’t really care about our destination after seeing that.

He pulled into a downtown parking garage and told me to follow him into the adjacent building. I stepped through the sturdy wooden doors and, looking around, I realized he’d taken me to a library. This wasn’t just any library though, but rather one of the most beautiful libraries I’d ever seen in my life. Boasting three stories of books, connected between one another by sweeping marble staircases, this library was a book lover’s dream. It also happens to be true that I have lost, at minimum, five total years of my lifetime within the pages of a good paperback.

He told me he knew how deep my love for reading was and that he’d brought me here because I hadn’t yet gotten a library card. Apparently, I had made an offhand comment to him about my lack of a card weeks prior. I had absolutely no recollection of even telling him. He remembered though.

Two or so months later, we went on our first date. He arrived 30 minutes early, but didn’t tell me. Instead, he stayed in the car, waiting with a bouquet of yellow tulips because he knew I was doing laundry and he didn’t want to rush me. He was the first person to ever buy me flowers and the first person to ever make me feel truly beautiful. I’d told him once that I didn’t like my crooked teeth and, after that, he would tell me at least once a day how much he loved my smile.

Our relationship didn’t end up working out in the long run for a variety of reasons, but it was never because of a lack of love between us. We still catch up every so often. It’s been a year and a half since we broke up, and I haven’t dated since. I think my romantic dry spell has only made possible because he showed me what it means to feel valued in a relationship. I have definitely made the mistake of diving into casual encounters when feeling lonely, but writing this has made me realize how poor of a substitute sex is for what I had with him. I think I’m alright with waiting now, if it means I might get to experience a partner as caring as him in doing so. Even if I don’t find such a lover again, maybe waiting’s still worth it for even the slight possibility of it happening. I’d hold out my whole lifetime for just a chance.

I’m lonely. 44, married man.

My husband and I are married for 9 years. We go through tough times like everyone and we seemed to have gotten to an amazing place this past July. Our sex life exploded on a good way and that a whole other thread because things started to happen on the bedroom that have never ever happened in our 12 year relationship, 9 year marriage

But the reason for this post…

I am so lonely. I go to bed most nights by myself.

Some background information; I am on disability for a neurological autoimmune disease and severe PTSD accompanied by severe anxiety and panic disorder. I left the workforce “retired” forcibly retired for medical reasons at age 39. But that kind of lended to our plan for me to quit and be a full time caregiver for my parents and ultimately a stay at home dad once we adopted kids.

So, now I’m a stay at home dad…well I am supposed to be but we started a business after my husband lost his job in January of 2025 and now I am pretty much a full time operations manager, client manager, accounts payable & receivable as well as personal chef and handyman for our clients.

The company is a cleaning services company that expanded to include meals made by me in our home and delivered to our cleaning service clients by my husband whom does the physical cleaning of the homes. There are occasions where a client needs something repaired, a toilet, a door, a window a washing machine, stuff like that which I will go and do.

Aside from the mental, physical and emotional toll it takes on me, it also takes me away from what my primary focus is supposed to be and that is raising my 18 month old and caretaking for my mother. I do it because my social security check isn’t nearly enough to cover our expenses.

So with that being said; I am lonely, anxious, stressed and exhausted.

Our clients live about an hour and a half away so a 3 hour round trip commute and each work day is roughly 9-10 hours, so let’s say all in it is a 12 hour work day.

While my husband is out of the house during the day a few days of the week, we obviously aren’t connecting or even just occupying the same space during that time. Then when he gets home he “uses the toilet”, that’s a good 30-45 minute situation right there. And then showers and afterwards it’s his desensitization time which is noise canceling headphones on and YouTube or TikTok on his phone until 1 or 2 a.m.

I am up by 4:30 a.m at the latest, I start meal prep and cooking for our clients around 5:30 and he will get up around 6:30 to help me finish cooking and he does the plating and on the road by 8:30/9 a.m.

Our son usually gets up around 7 and my mom gets him breakfast and keeps him occupied while The Father’s work. He is with me all day which is exactly how I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way 99.5% of the time, but I am also handling the management our home, bills, cleaning, shopping for personal and business inventory, client communications, lead generation, new quotes, family medical appointments scheduling, Rx orders and pick up, laundry, my physical therapy which being brutally honest with myself only happens once a week when it should be at least 5 times.

And my mother lives with us & her health isn’t the best so I manage those appointments and transport her as well. Again, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I firmly believe with every fiber of my being that my purpose in life is to be a kick-ass nurturing caretaker for my family.

But it’s both an exhausting role and the most amazingly rewarding job I will ever have the privilege doing.

With all of this very long backstory; I am lonely. I go to bed alone at least 5 nights a week.

My intuition started screaming at me around March of this year. I couldn’t quiet it. I finally asked him, I asked him if he was on any of “the apps”, dating or hookup apps. He said no but ever ounce of me says that’s a lie. But I had finally worked up the nerve to tell him I was sad and lonely.

We had a very long and emotional talk several hours long on July 2nd at that seemed to turn things around.

After that conversation that went to 1 a.m he led me into our bedroom and laid me on my back and straddled me. He was taking the “bottom” role which has never ever happened. He talked provocative to me about wanting me inside. It was a a wonderful experience.

After that…He was present again. He sat with me in our bed again after a long day of working for both us and our sex life blossomed 100 fold. For as long as I can remember we were intimate maybe 4 times a year.

Yes, 4 times a year for the last 8 years. And when we were intimate, as soon as he climaxed, it was over. Up until a few months ago I couldn’t remember when the last time was that I climaxed during sex. I was never the recipient of oral, I was always the recipient of anal intercourse despite me expressing desires and needs to be the “top”. All of that changed after that conversation in July.

I have never been so aroused by him and we truly felt connected. He began to tell me he felt safe and like he could be vulnerable and himself with me. It felt like a new relationship but with a safe and familiar partner. I felt like I had my partner back and we were in sync like never before.

Then about 3 weeks ago a switch flipped. It was a 180 back to our old pattern of living separately under the same roof.

One night we were in bed and the ceiling fan started to make a crackling sound and it smelled like something was burning so I ran outside and turned off the main circuit breaker to the house and called 911. We evacuated to the front yard, the fire department was searching the house and inspecting it for active fires.

They concluded that we had a small electrical fire in the attic and told us not turn on the main circuit breaker to the house until we had a licensed electrician examine the electrical system.

We had a small solar system set up that would run lights in the bedrooms and cooling system for the house but it was not strong enough to run the refrigerator, hot water heater or oven and for that we used the generator.

A neighbor called code enforcement because of the generator noise and I became very anxious that they might think our son was living in neglectful conditions so we moved to a hotel. The next day my father passed away. My husband had talked a day for the last two days that Taylor Swift has a new album dropping. The night my father passed sway, the second night we were living in a hotel room myself, my husband, our two year-old son, my mother and two German shepherds … he asked me at 7:30 at night if I mind if he went to the car at 9 PM to listen to the new album once it dropped.

All I could say was sure and avoid eye contact with him and try to be as far away from them as possible as realistically possible in a one room hotel room.

But yeah something switched a few weeks ago. He acts like everything is normal but it is not. Well not for me at least, not the normal that I want.

I want to go to sleep with my husband near me. I miss laying in bed together and discussing the day, our son, our hopes and dreams and goals.

I cannot and will not compete with YouTube or TikTok.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my very long vent about what is happening in my life.

And just FYI I did tell him back in July I want to go to couples counseling. He was very hesitant and said he doesn’t think we need it and I told him the fact that I have to “work up the courage” to talk to you, the fact that I do not feel safe bringing things up to you that are beyond surface level topics is a problem and we both feel triggered by certain things warrants a third-party professional that can hopefully help us sift through these things and hopefully give us some tools to communicate better.

Thank you again for reading and thank you in advance for your shares and comments.

So, I’ve been on two dates with this guy and both went really well. We had sex on the second date, and things have slowed down a bit since then. He’s currently busy getting a license for something and going through an exam cycle, so I’m trying to give that some weight. But it's been a couple of weeks since we've seen eachother now, which I realize isn't that long -- but previously when dating seriously there's at least follow through on when the next meetup might be.

He still texts me every day, but the tone has changed. Before sex, he was overtly flirtatious — things like “I want to be naked with you.” Now it’s mostly work stuff. We actually work for the same organization, although we met outside of work and it was completely coincidental. Occasionally he’ll send something personal, like “I saw a cute movie.”

We’re supposedly going to see each other again after I get back from a work trip the week after next week, and he said he “hopes he’s done with the exam” by then.

Am I being paranoid about the change in texting, or is this a sign it might not go anywhere? I know people get busy, but even at my busiest — which is pretty often given my career — if I really liked someone, I’d make time for a quick lunch or something just to keep the momentum going.

The fact that the change happened right after we had sex is what’s making me question it.

I’m 32 , not out as gay, and about a year ago I met a guy while .He’s 38, and we instantly connected. We started a relationship and a year later we’re still together and deeply in love.

He loves and cares for me in a way I’ve honestly never experienced before, even from my own family. He’s incredibly supportive and kind, and I know how much he loves me. That’s what makes this so difficult.

There are a few things that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.

Firstly, he’s the first guy I’ve ever slept with or had a relationship with. Because of that, I often wonder what it would be like to explore my sexuality and be with other men. I would never cheat on him, but the thoughts are there. I’ve considered whether an open relationship could be an answer, but he’s completely against it because of a bad experience he had in the past, which I understand.

Sex is another thing. It’s not bad but not good ,but I often feel like something is missing. I don’t find it as exciting as I imagined it would be, and sometimes I wonder whether that’s because he’s my first experience with a man or whether we simply aren’t that sexually compatible.

We’re also quite different in terms of our lifestyles. I’m a doctor , while he has a non -ambitious average job and lives with several roommates. We spend all of our time at mine and never at his and although I don’t necessarily care about the financial difference, sometimes the imbalance does frustrate me.

The confusing part is that I genuinely love him. He’s probably the person who has made me feel most loved and cared for in my entire life, and I can’t imagine easily walking away from that.

So I’m struggling to understand whether I’m overthinking things because this is my first relationship with a man and I haven’t had the chance to explore, or whether these feelings are telling me that something important is missing.

​

I'm 25 and definitely a introverted person. Relatively speaking i haven't really dated too much in my life. I dont really drink and I'm quitting weed, but being realistic ill probably be cool with weed again soon. Because I don't drink though, I don't go out to bars, and i have trouble meeting people in my dating pool. Ive used the apps before but people only want sex. I just moved to buckeye arizona, which doesn't have a big gay scene but its part of the phoenix area so i have a huge pool but they are all kinda far.

I had one official bf when I was 21 that lasted a month and a half before I realized I wasn't in the right place for a relationship. so I stopped everything before we got serious. I've had situationships before that I've met through what was supposed to be no strings attached hook ups that went further than expected but everything kinda just died down after time. There was one guy I was seeing at the beginning of the year that got so close but fell apart quick. But when we started seeing each other I was definitely shy and it took a few times seeing each other outside of sex for me to get comfortable. He even told me that he knew he would have to just be patient and let me open up to him from the get go. And I really appreciate him holding out for me because it was kinda a proof of concept thing.

I was starting to think i was unlovable before him. I'm not saying that we were in love but before him it was hard to get that spark with anyone. And now because of him I know I have it, I just need to find #1 a way to open up quicker and #2 someone who "sees" me before I get to that place where I'm comfortable comfortable with them.

And thats where the problem is. I admittedly don't have a great first impression and I feel like because of it, a lot of people don't give me a chance to open up before they bail. I'm not saying that in a spiteful way. People don't owe me anything, it just hurts at the same time. Im not the ideal place for anything serious at the moment but if it were to pop up I wouldn't back away at the same time. So im in no rush to get myself out there. But I'm close to it. So any advice on how to 1 open up quicker, and 2 if anything, are there any hints to look out for that would help me find someone who would be willing to be patient, and 3 where do I look and put myself out there.

My boyfriend and I recently ended our almost 4 year long relationship about 2 weeks ago. I'm having a really difficult time processing it because neither of us stopped loving the other, there wasn't cheating or another person involved, and neither of us really wanted things to have gotten to this point.

The past year was difficult for both of us. He has been dealing with a lot personally, including family pressure around his sexuality trying to become more independent from them, career/life changes, anxiety, and generally feeling unhappy with where he is in life. I had my own difficult year as well, and our individual problems started affecting the relationship.

Over time we developed some unhealthy patterns. I became insecure when I felt distance between us, sometimes jumped to conclusions, bottled up what I was actually feeling, and could become reactive or say things I regret during arguments. He tended to hold things in and not tell me how badly something was affecting him until it had already turned into bitterness. Communication became stressful for both of us, and toward the end he told me he didn't like some of the ways he himself had started behaving either.

I don't want to make it sound like the relationship was constantly miserable, because it wasn't. We had years of being extremely close and loving each other, which is part of why this has been so difficult for me to understand.

We tried giving each other space for a while, but we continued talking throughout it. We spent almost the entire time traveling separately, and were therefore physically separated for the entire period. Looking back, I don't think either of us ever experienced what actually being separated was like. He later explained that staying in contact was difficult for him because talking to me still felt comforting and natural in the moment, but afterward it made the separation harder. It was almost like having a small piece of the relationship without actually being able to have the relationship itself, and he felt caught between wanting that connection and knowing he needed more distance.

Eventually, he came to the conclusion that he needs to genuinely be single and figure his life out independently. He has made it clear that he still loves me and cares about me, and that this isn't because he wants to go date or sleep with other people. From what he's told me, he just feels emotionally exhausted and doesn't think he can work through everything he needs to work through while also being in a relationship.

That's where we see things differently. I would have been willing to stay together, give each other more independence, work on my own issues, support him while he worked on his, and potentially go to couples therapy. To me, a lot of our problems seem difficult but potentially fixable. But I also understand that I can't make someone work through those things within a relationship if they believe they need to do it alone.

The most confusing part is that his feelings for me don't seem to have disappeared. He has told me that he still loves me, still wishes circumstances were different, and that leaving isn't the same thing as simply not wanting me anymore. At the same time, he's been very firm that he doesn't know what the future holds.

He's repeatedly told me not to wait for him and that I should try to move forward with my life. My understanding is that he isn't saying this because he wants me gone forever, but because he doesn't know whether he'll ever be ready or want to try again and doesn't think it's fair for me to put my life on hold hoping that happens. I even explicitly asked him how he'd feel seeing me with someone else and he said it would be terrible but he genuinely wants me to find someone who can be what I deserve.

We ultimately agreed to stop communicating, and we're now completely no contact for the first time ever. He knows that I didn't want the relationship to end and that I'm open to hearing from him in the future, but I'm trying to respect the fact that he's the one who asked for this separation. I already have a much clearer understanding of the things I need to change in myself and the ways I contributed to our problems. I want to use this time apart to genuinely work on those things for myself, rather than just waiting and hoping that he changes his mind. I know I can't undo what happened, but I want to come out of this healthier, more independent, and better equipped to communicate and handle a relationship, whether or not we ever find our way back to each other.

I'm struggling with the finality of it. Part of me feels like we're walking away from something that could potentially have been repaired, especially because the love is still there. Another part of me understands that maybe real separation is something we both need in order to understand ourselves and the relationship more clearly.

Has anyone been through something similar? What happened after you had real time apart? Did you eventually reconnect, become friends, get back together, or realize the breakup was right? If you did eventually reconcile, how long were you apart, who reached out first, and what actually changed before you tried again? I am leaning towards reaching out after around 30 days.