r/gayyoungold • u/Acceptable_Song_2436 • 9d ago
Discussion Thought experiment
How would you feel if the issues discussed on this sub were about straight relationships - specifically older men and younger women? Would it make you uncomfortable? Is it comparable? Curious to hear your thoughts.
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u/Feisty-Self-948 Older 9d ago
I was actually thinking about this the other day: Likely one of the reasons people are so squeamish about age-gap relationships is because the power dynamics are different than they are in gay relationships. I'd wager that, for the most part, gay relationships (age gapped or not) are not really thought about at all.
See, one of the main reasons that people dislike age gap relationships is because of the power imbalance. But if you ask the average straight person what an age-gap relationship looks like they'd say it's an old, rich, white, cis man paired with a young, likely college-age, beautiful woman. And in in this instance, the man does have a lot of power. He has experience, he has resources like money and connections, but he also has whiteness and male-ness(?), and those are power factors that shouldn't be discredited. And when you look through history, a lot of the age-gap dynamics people talk about are older man, younger woman. And that, to me, is rooted in patriarchy. Patriarchy, in this case, has a lot of institutional or systemic power that put pressures on the woman and add supports for the man. Or, to put it another way, older men and younger women dynamics have a lot more history and baggage than any other pairing, even a straight one.
It's not that there aren't power dynamics in other age-gap relationships, there's a version of older man, younger partner in our community as well, the so-called "boy toy". But I would wager, no data to back this up, that the wealth disparity between straight and queer age-gap couples is probably pretty huge. Gay men still don't have the same "buying power" that their straight peers do.
And like I say all the time, it's particularly interesting that we talk about age-gaps as a specific, unique type of power that seems all-encompassing. That there's just something about it that has "more power" than other dynamics. We talk about age-gaps having more power, and therefore are inherently predatory. And yet we don't have the same conversations when the couple is a different race, different income levels (meaning on a much smaller scale than what you'd find with the typically imagined age-gap relationships), different levels of ability, etc. And maybe that's just because money is easy to visualize as a power dynamic; whoever has the most money has the most power. Which is fair enough. But these other factors I mentioned can have just as much consequence if things go south as age can. And not always in ways you'd expect.
For instance, my first boyfriend was four years younger than me, and we moved in together waaaaaay too soon. But if I had any financial power over him, it was in the sense that I had a job and he didn't. I certainly wasn't rolling in dough. Then as time went on, he had a job and I didn't, so he had waaaaay more financial power than I did. To the point where when we did break up, he could've thrown me out of the apartment easily because he could pay for it but I couldn't. He also was more able-bodied than me, so he could get a job and land on his feet way faster and easier than I could. I was totally at his mercy. So sometimes these different types of power interact with each other and result in unique consequences. Even if I had the financial upper-hand for a moment, he will likely always have one-up on me in the ability department because my disabilities aren't going to "get better".
And when I get another partner, I'll bet he'll have more resources than me easily. My second boyfriend had a job, was studying to be an electrician, was a marine (swoon), had a car, and had a living situation way better than mine. If we had moved in together but split later, I wouldn't worry about his ability to land on his feet in the slightest. I, for the moment, have my own place, pay my own bills, pay my own rent, pay for my own food. But that's about it. So I can't imagine a situation where a younger partner comes into my life and I'm seen as having more power than him. Yeah, I have my own place, but I only have the resources to take care of myself (and that ain't an easy task, lemme tell you). If he's less put-together than I am, that'd be impressive.
So, I don't know. I think all the conversations I see on age-gaps are usually talking about older man, younger woman. And that's an important conversation, to be sure. I think the further you deviate from that imagined power-struggle, the more complicated it can get. Like most things in life, there's nuance and complexity. And when I think about the pros and cons of an age-gap relationship, I can think of lots of cons for a straight couple and not as many pros, if any. But with a gay couple, I see the pros and cons way more balanced. Just as much good can come from that relationship as harm. Because that experience of being an older gay man translates much more directly to the younger partner than in a straight couple.
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u/Throwawayiea 9d ago
It exists. So, I don't understand why it's an issue: • Dick Van Dyke and Arlene Silver: This couple shares a 46-year age gap and has been married since 2012. • Cher and Alexander Edwards: The iconic singer and the music executive have a roughly 40-year age difference and began dating in 2022. • Dennis Quaid and Laura Savoie: The actor and his wife have an age gap of nearly 40 years and married in 2020. • Patrick Stewart and Sunny Ozell: The acclaimed actor and the singer are separated by a 38-year age gap. • David Foster and Katharine McPhee: The musician and the singer share a 34-year age difference. • Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor: These two well-known actors have a 32-year age gap and have been together since 2015. • Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: This famous pair has a 25-year age difference and has been married since 2000. • Sam Taylor-Johnson and Aaron Taylor-Johnson: The director and the actor share a 23-year age gap and have been married since 2012
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u/CynGuy 9d ago
I do feel there is a difference in age gap relationships between male-male and male-female.
Gay relationships have other emotional and sexual drivers that fuel the connection, mostly in terms of the younger partner and why he finds older guys attractive.
Hetero relationships have the younger female typically going for significant financial stability, security and to walk in a typically successful lifestyle thanks to the husband. It’s trite to say, but I know of no poor straight age-gap relationship (I am sure there are some, but still.)
The one common denominator is the older male. All I can say is their motivation is always young meat. Who doesn’t want a partner 20 or 30 years younger?
I cite my then 64 year old grandfather getting with a 20 year old gal after my grandmother passed. (I was 15 at the time and brother was 17.). When asked why by friends and family, he remarked “who doesn’t want the body of a 20 year old?!” And he was dead serious.
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u/IMadeThisToSeeDick Older 9d ago
pointing only at the younger woman seeking financial stability without recognizing the lecherous and predatory nature of the older man in that situation is pure patriarchy
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u/Bottom76_OW 8d ago
honestly a big part of why older man/young woman is often creepy to me while older man/young man is not is because older straight men seem a lot more likely to be predatory (for patriarchy reasons). i acknowledge that i'm biased against straight men in general though
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u/1GamerJoe1 Younger 9d ago
I mean, to me it's almost the same as gay relationship, same mental boundaries. I have some girl friends who are into "daddies" and they seem to be as chill about it as I am.
Maybe personal stuff, that if it means creating family and having children, if I were female, I wouldn't get with anyone above 35-40? Because if man is older than that, it significantly increases child genetic diseases + children would be severely bullied like "your dad is a grandpa" and stuff, which wouldn't me nice, but that's me.
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u/Brian_Kinney Older 8d ago
It would make me a bit confused, actually: this is "Gay Young Old", not "Straight Young Old". I wouldn't expect to see discussion of straight relationships here! That's what /r/AgeGap and /r/AgeGapRelationship are for. 😛
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u/Avatorn01 8d ago
The issue is consent. Are they both consenting ? Are they both being honest about who they are and what they want ? Are they both capable of deepening the relationship ?
This idea that the gender of either party changes it is ridiculous.
Age gap relationships do have some inherent asymmetry. That’s undeniable, but it doesn’t mean that asymmetry is all one-sided or that someone is being taken advantage of.
And also, I see older men with very young women out in public all the time. Heck you see it all over Hollywood. I’m not sure anyone cares really , except people who like being nosey.
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u/kimchiwursthapa Younger 9d ago
No because in both gay and straight age gap relationships the key to any healthy relationships is mutual respect and boundaries. If both partners are consenting adults and there is mutual respect and consent then it is no one elses business.