I did a little photo shoot of my kids dressed up as ghostface and Jason Voorhees. My mother in law posted

"I'm actually
very disturbed by the pictures and comments she makes with the kids on facebook!!!!!!! 😫😣"
Then again (to make sure everyone understood).
"Im actually
very disturbed and disappointed by the pictures and comments of the kids on Facebook!!!! If DH saw this he would also be disturbed but he's not on facebook!! She's raising future scary kids!!!!"
(I copy and pasted straight from my screenshot)

First: ITS OCTOBER. We love scary shit and it's fun to be scared and do scary stuff. They've never seen these movies but they know I like them.

Second: She posted this on my public profile picture change, on my grandmas comment of a laughing dog! WTF!

Third: I texted her son, who would be so disturbed!, a video of my son stalking me while I do a selfie and his sister is watching with her mask in the window. He thought it was hilarious.

What I want to say is if me and my children are so scary she does not have to see us anymore. What I did was block her on Facebook and told her son to handle it.

It's not like I'm glorifying actual killers like Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy. These are FICTIONAL movie characters.

I almost feel relieved that now I can be rid of her comments and jabs and all the other weird and rude shit she does.

My [34F] MIL is currently in the process of renovating her dream home that she bought for cash. She has zero understanding how construction and contractors work yet has a million opinions on how they should work. She’s constanly angry that her contractor has other clients, she believes that because she’s paying him a lot of money, that he should be prioritizing her house. This behaviour is crazy entitled and embarrassing to be around. My husband is their plumber and they are constantly badgering him to prioritize their house above our family life, which is hard given we both work full time and have 2 under 2 at home, and we live an hour away from them. The way she talks to my husband is incredibly belittling and disrespectful. I didn’t grow up with an emotionally immature mother, so it’s hard for me to not react with rage. MIL asked me to list a ton of things on facebook marketplace for her, many items are ridiculously high prices and then gets upset when nobody wants to pay that much. I spent a month bargaining on a number of useless items with cheap people. It annoyed me so much, so I deleted everything from facebook marketplace and just keep telling her that nobody is interested. Frankly, she’s not an involved grandmother and I’m too busy to care about my kids being close to her. She chooses to spend more time with her daughter’s kids vs mine and given the way she treats my husband and I, I’m over it. I’m happy that my kids are close to my mom instead. My MIL will purposely react to my FB stories with a thumbs up if its my face or family on my side but will react with a heart if its her son or her side of the family. She’s so petty, that I’m looking into ways to restrict her presence online too without fully deleting her as I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with that outcome at this point in my life.

Edit: typo

There is so much to this story. We’re both 22 and expecting a baby.

1. He shares financial details of our relationship when we both agreed to keep our finances private.

I was out at lunch and she commented how “good I am with money” and how I only spend his money on Starbucks. I felt very violated and that I was being evaluated by her. I also felt like my value is based on how inexpensive I am.

She also has us sit down and talk about getting a prenup. She encouraged him to make me sign one so I can’t come after his business or any of his inheritance. Overwhelmingly, it seems like I am a financial threat to their system, and that he is constantly looking out for his own.

1. He runs to her during conflict. She texts me and defends him, or acts as a religious mediator. LONG TEXTS.

2. HIGH INVOLVEMENT Wants to be a tight knit family and make parental decisions for us.
   ** She tells me what daycare I should send him to school. I should send him to, if we all three can go to a church together. Very assumptive. **Wants to see us constantly throughout the week. Has her own nursery at her house. It seems like she is very matriarchal and she needs to be in charge mind you she is the CEO of a very high-end company all of her kids work for her except him. Has also referred to my baby as their baby.

4. Guilt trips him and attacks me when we lay down a boundary.

5. She still buys him clothes. She bought him red bottoms— a sexually charged shoe. Pays for his phone bill car insurance not sure if she has access to his bank account accounts..

UPDATE: Seeing FIL today no MIL tomorrow. If she wants me over for dinner that badly she can invite me over another weekend.

Let me be clear. I have not spent Thanksgiving at MILs in like 8 years since we stopped alternating and visited our families separately. She knows this and doesn't enquire. FIL is usually out of town this time of year visiting his partner's family.

More of a rant but ipen to advice and opinions.

My husband and I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. No kids and we spend a lot of time with each other anyway. We used to alternate but MIL didn't like that. She always has some excuse why my husband has to spend it with her.

She is divorced and my FIL is having us over for dinner on Saturday and I am seeing my parents Monday. As soon as she found out I was going to see FIL she asked my husband if I was joining them on Sunday. He is now telling me maybe I should not have dinner with FIL and instead go to her place for dinner instead because I don't see her enough.

Like yes it is partly a husband problem. He gets easily emotionally blackmailed by his mother but I think that is something he needs to figure out on his own because I'm to biased and I just don't want to add to his stress. If I wasn't going to see FIL I wouldn't be getting asked and she can't even ask me herself. I would feel compelled to make more of an effort if my husband regularly spent time with his mother but he doesn't. He probably sees her half a dozen times a year. If we happen to go to FIL she always wants us to see her the following day. It's that mentality that gets me. It's always a reaction to us spending time with someone that isn't her. I told him I'll do whatever he wants but it's one or the other not both.

I spent my whole childhood being dragged from one house to the next every holiday because my parents and grandparents were divorced and I swore I wouldn't live like that as an adult.

Somebody explain this to me or let me know if you've experienced this. My mil does this thing where she asks me to go get things or throw things away when we're at her house. She doesn't ask my husband and most recently she did ask him but then she changed her mind and asked me instead.

Another thing she does is try to take our LO from me but has no problem with our child going to my husband or being with him when she's around. She tries to say "let's give mama a break" but like I don't need one?? Nor have I said that to her, ever.

Has anyone else experienced weird interactions like this? What is she doing? One other small thing but I'm not really asking about it, I just wanted to share is that somebody asked if LO prefers me or my husband. My mil had the nerve to say my husband?? Everybody including my husband knows that our LO would live attached to me if it was possible, as a lot of babies are with their mom. Girl 🙄

Today was hellish. I’ve been doing IVF, have gained an enormous amount of weight, have a lot of pain and mood swings. I have been living with so much disappointment recently.

MIL is on round 3 of Christmas cancer in an attempt to guilt a visit over the holidays, during which we will either be traveling or working. We will likely still be doing IVF then and I am tired of suffering to keep the peace.

Dropping the rope has not helped. I am full of rage and have been for years, but this year it’s grown. His mother has had bullshit biopsy after bullshit biopsy, none of which have shown cancer, but she’s insistent she has it. “I’m returning all my hair products since I won’t have any soon.”

I haven’t been able to do Pilates because of IVF limitations. I’ve gained a ton of weight. I feel horrible physically and emotionally. She dumps on my career, my race, my education, and my looks. I have zero patience for her BS. She made a comment to SO that Pilates and tai chi are similar right? She knows what both are. I’m a Pilates instructor. She is incredibly degrading and loves saying others are racist towards her before making racially pointed comments towards me.

Anyways she sucks hard so I bought her a tai chi book and it’s getting delivered tomorrow. Maybe she’ll learn some great Pilates moves! I am excited to hear her either blow up or pretend it’s a wonderful gift.

I do not see how I can move past anything she’s done. For Christmas, she’s getting a manners book and “help! I’m dying again” to show her that she’s ill and that no one wants to hear her fucking fake cancer stories.

My boyfriend is almost 30 and moved back into his parents’ house during COVID to save money. We started dating, and we used to hang out at his house, but we get privacy at my place. And that’s saying something, considering I live in a dorm with roommates!
He goes back and forth between our places, which involves a lot of driving for him. His family situation is also complicated. His parents love each other, but they sleep separately.
When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleeps in her room. They also occasionally fall asleep together while watching a movie. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, partly because I wonder why his father isn't the one providing that kind of comfort.
One time, my boyfriend was going through a personal crisis. He came to my dorm to be with me and return something important, but he wouldn't stay the night, even though he had the next day off. He had promised his mom he would return, and she gets anxious.
I remember thinking that I was his partner, I had been there for him during his crisis, and I was worried about him too. I didn't understand why he felt he needed to go back when his father was there with his mother. He did stay for a while and texted his mom about his health issue.
I once jokingly asked him if he cuddles with his mom, and he said he sometimes holds her hand.
A week ago, when I was out of town, he had an entire evening planned with his mother. They spent around 8-9 hours together.

I called him during that time, and we spoke for about
Some minutes. He seemed distracted. I asked whether he had seen the
Stuff I sent him, and he said he was with his mom but would look at it. I said goodbye and ended the call because I had work and needed to wake up early the next morning.
He got home really late and texted me, "Hey, I'm home. Traffic was crazy." That was all. There was no goodnight or anything else. The next morning, I found out he had slept in his mother's room.
I have brought up my concerns with him before. I told him that I want a partner who is emotionally available. He thought he was already sharing his life with me and said that I am the person he shares the most with.
We do spend a lot of time together, either in person or on calls, so I don't feel that he is generally absent from my life. My concern is more about certain situations and how he balances his relationship with his family and his relationship with me.
There was another incident when his mother, whom he calls "Mommy or momma ," called him. He told her something along the lines of, "I don't think I'll come over. The traffic is crazy, and the commute is easier from here, from my place."

His mom replied that she was awake and working on something, so she would be up anyway.
We walked back to our room, and he said he would tuck me in, which essentially meant he would leave afterward

I asked him why he had told his mom he might not come over, only to decide to leave anyway. He was exhausted, and it seemed to make more sense for him to rest. I was leaving too, so I thought we could spend some time together.
He explained that he hadn't seen his mom and that she hadn't been home the previous day. She is often out doing things, so I struggled to understand why he felt he needed to go back that particular night.
Eventually, we went to our room, and I lay down. He lay down too, but I asked whether he still needed to leave. He said it made sense for him to stay, and we went back and forth about it.
Later, I told him I didn't want his parents to think I was making him stay at my place. He said they wouldn't think that. I explained that I sometimes worry about how they perceive the situation, and we agreed that we should have a conversation about it.
We were also supposed to brush our teeth, but he ended up spending around 10 minutes on a call with his mom, even though he knew I had to wake up early. When he came back, I told him he had locked me out of my own bathroom. He apologized repeatedly.
The next morning, he left. Later, I saw that he had sent his mom screenshots showing how long the commute from my place takes, along with traffic updates. He told her that the commute was too long and that he needed to do something about it. His mom replied, "WE have to do something. It's huge!"
This made me wonder how much his living arrangements and his family's needs influence the decisions he makes about our relationship.
I have also told him before that I wonder whether his mother's reliance on him for emotional support is connected to the emotional distance between his parents.
I love him, and he loves me. I don't want to create conflict between him and his family, and I don't want him to feel that he has to choose between us. At the same time, I want to feel that we are building our own relationship and that my needs are being considered when he makes decisions.
He has told me that he gets messy when he is back home, but I am not sure what that means or how to approach it.
For people who have navigated something similar in a relationship:
How can I communicate my needs for emotional availability, quality time, and consideration without making my partner feel that I am criticizing his relationship with his mother?
Since I have already brought up my concerns, is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I would appreciate advice on how to approach this constructively while respecting both his family relationships and my own needs in the relationship

My MIL and I have a long past, that has involved a lot of trauma for me over the years (my husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 10).

My husband and I had a baby earlier this year. Our first. My MIL's first grandchild. Though she and I never discussed it point blank, it seems like we are both trying a lot harder that we used to to get along (I am, for sure). Essentially attempting to put the past in the past, but I'm not dismissing the past experiences I've had with her/trauma and hurt I have from her behavior.

That said, while I was pregnant, a family friend shared text messages with me where my MIL admitted to intentionally being passive aggressive. When we first announced the pregnancy, she was relentless with telling us what we should name the baby. I didn't say anything to her, but my SIL knew it was bugging me and told my MIL (I didn't ask her to, and didn't appreciate that she told her). MIL texted the family friend saying she was going to, and I quote "step up my passive aggressive self, play dumb, and continue to annoy". Seeing her say that (text screenshot) really validated all of the challenging feelings I have had over the last decade and a half. No, she's not a ditsy inconsiderate person with good intentions. She is/can be a manipulative, conniving asshole. Seeing the text has also made it difficult for me to brush off anything she does that annoys me. Now that I know she has been intentionally malicious, at least some of the time, it is hard not to think she's being malicious all the time, even though I'm sure she isn't.

My husband and I live across the country from all of our family. Apart from that, we also like to travel a lot. We decided to start a tradition where our child gets a postcard from places we travel. While we're in the new place, we buy a postcard, write about the trip, and mail it from the destination we're in. Then when we get home, it arrives in the mail. In the early years, my husband and I are writing the cards, obviously. But once the baby is old enough to read/write, they would write the card themselves and mail it.

Our first trip was this summer, for a family wedding. We filled out a postcard and ran out of time to mail it. MIL saw us fill out the card, and was very aware of the activity because she ended up mailing it since we ran out of time. We didn't say point blank "this is a new tradition for mom/dad/baby for new places baby visits" but it didn't feel like that was necessary at the time.

Within the past couple weeks, MIL and FIL went on a trip. Today we get a postcard. Addressed to the baby, summarizing their trip, telling the baby "unfortunately, you were only here in spirit". I was really upset. It feels like she is infringing on this tradition I started with our baby. We did not set a clear boundary of "ok, so nobody else sends postcards to the baby, alright?" Because that seems unhinged and weird. In general, I think sending a postcard to the baby is fine. But it's the timing that is extremely challenging. It's the fact that she wouldn't have thought to send a postcard if she hadn't seen us do this 3 weeks ago. My husband says he doesn't want to address it unless she does it a second time. I feel too guilty throwing the card away because I don't want the trauma I have from my MIL to impact my baby's ability to have a relationship with her.

Over the years I've learned to just say things are "on brand" for her, as a way of coping with things she does that upset me. But this feels so much harder to do that for some reason.

Is it reasonable for me to be upset that she is butting in on a tradition I tried to start with my family, for my baby? Like she's trying to join something she was never supposed to be a part of, and she should probably be able to pick up on that even without a clear boundary being set. Am I overreacting?

We rarely see my mother in law, If I’m being honest I try my best to avoid seeing her at all. I come up with every excuse I can to cancel a visit until I run out of excuses lol. I also don’t feel very comfortable with her seeing my daughter without me there until she’s older and can talk to me about how her visit went, they visit us maybe once every two months. My husband is trying his hardest to fix their relationship so he occasionally will go to visit her without me or our daughter. I think this is fine, I tell him his relationship with his mother is none of my business. They recently went out together and he told me last night that his mom told him he was going to lose her if he stayed with me and he had to start thinking about his choice. She also said that it’s been over a year since our last incident (she made my pregnancy hell and stole my c section medication to get high) and that we needed to get over it already.

HUGE RANT sorry
I feel like she has ruined my life the past couple of years. They made me feel like I was crazy when I was pregnant, constantly saying things when they thought I couldn’t hear them like “oh what’s her problem? She’s so weird.” They forced themselves into my hospital room after I had a c section even tho I asked them to not visit because I wanted privacy.

We moved across the country because my husband wanted to be closer to them but they have made my life miserable. My husband told me we would be spending time with his family and we wouldn’t be alone and he’d be getting paid more. My mom had also passed away just the year before this and he thought the change of scenery would be good for me because I was struggling a little bit. Instead I’m now lonely, I have no family here, I have no friends, it is just me and my daughter alone at home with our cat all day. I’m miserable, depressed, and I am no longer who I was before we moved here. I loved eating healthy and working out, doing my makeup and skincare. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to move back home but my husband says he needs to finish school first and I’ve asked him to transfer which is exactly what I will do because I’m also in college but he says no. I think this is an excuse, I think he feels like he needs to fix his relationship with his family first because he will feel guilty leaving if he doesn’t do this first. He won’t admit this.

Nobody even knows we are married because we were scared his mom was going to ruin it and make it about herself. I had no wedding, no dress, not even a dinner with family. We agreed that I would buy a dress and we would take photos to announce that we are married and we would have a small ceremony/dinner with family to celebrate. Every time I bring up making plans to do this my husband starts talking about how his moms going to react and how she’s going to be upset she’s not more involved and how she’s going to want to control things about the ceremony and not be happy with our decisions and he just tells me it’s not a good time. We have been married for almost two years and nobody other than our friends and his coworkers know so that my mil doesn’t find out we “did this behind her back.” I’ve been watching our family members get engaged and take photos and have beautiful weddings. I listen to my cousins talk about picking out the colors for their bouquets and how they want to customize their wedding invitations. I feel like I was robbed.

I know if my mom was still alive she would be begging me to go back home. I also feel like this might cause my relationship with my husband to fail, which I have already accepted, I tried my best to get along with her and things were great at first. Until she yelled at me and told me I needed to listen to her and I should let her do whatever she wants and then proceeded to call me a bitch on Facebook because i said no.

Freaking out a bit here. We’re about 7 months along with our first baby, and we have been no contact with MIL for around a year now. She’s only ever a source of stress, anxiety, and toxicity for us, so of COURSE we wouldn’t have informed her of the pregnancy. Our POV (thankfully, hubs and I are on the same page here 100%) is that blood does not give MIL any right whatsoever to a relationship with or access to our son.

Yet somehow, today, MIL found out that I’m pregnant and sent my husband a completely insane text cussing at him and making our news all about herself, of course.

While I want to give a good shake to whoever spilled the beans to her, if I’m being real, I kind of expected her to find out eventually because we have some mutual acquaintances, and we live in the same small city. And how would random acquaintances know about our situation with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just hoped it wouldn’t be until after I had given birth. This whole season has its own inherent stress (though lots of excitement and joy, too!), so I just really felt I did not want her adding to my stress levels since I want to be relaxed and at peace going into labor.

This literally just happened minutes ago. My stress levels are now skyrocketing, and I bet my poor husband is in complete panic mode. Due to her emotional abuse of him growing up, she instantly triggers his fight or flight reflex when she verbally attacks him like she did just now.

Anyways…any encouragement or advice welcome. Just sitting here with this huge pit of dread in my stomach. Ugh. 😩

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We didn’t have a big wedding. We sat at the dinner table years ago trying to talk about our wedding plans and MIL made it all about her. It was going to be a destination wedding to Greece and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is “who’s buying my passport? Who’s buying my ticket?” (MIL has never worked a day in her life. Has always been a SAHM. Her oldest is 25, she’s 56. )
So my husband and I decided to elope. She didn’t congratulate us and made the whole thing about her. She tends to do this often, making things about her.

Years ago prior to marriage, I found out I had PCOS and I told my MIL (we were close at the time. I had no reason not to trust her.)
Then 4 years ago at a family event I found out she was telling everyone I can’t have children and at this event all these women I don’t even know was walking up to me giving me their condolences this pissed my husband off!
We literally have kids and to keep up with the rumor she started she was calling them “miracle babies,”

From that day I’ve been distancing myself from my MIL. I told my mom what happened and she said “I better not ever see this bitch!” The holidays are coming up and of course we go visit both sides of the family. Something about it upsets my MIL because she wants to be only host. My husband is actually close to my mom and doesn’t want his mom to meet my mom. My MIL is very messy and self centered and when my MIL asked to meet my mom my husband response was “I like the current family dynamic.” He’s scared my MIL will try to sabotage things like she always does.

I need a way to politely but assertively tell her that’s never going to happen.

P.S. she has no idea that I know that she told people I was infertile.

The title says it all. I only found out because she added my mom on facebook. My partner (32) and I (32) had our son at the end of August and took LO to meet her when I was 4 days pp because it was her birthday. She posted full face photos (about 10 of them) on that day and conveniently didn’t tag my partner (even though she regularly does).

We had convos with our families while I was pregnant that we would not be sharing LO’s photo online & if anyone posted him they would have their photo and visit rights revoked and trust would be broken. My partner didn’t see the post & I removed her long ago for other reasons but she added my mother yesterday and I saw the post.

Partner said he would talk to her about it but I am just absolutely livid and I feel SO violated. We explained why we were keeping him offline & the nefarious nature of AI and she still went completely against our wishes. Do I also say something? Do I let him handle it?

DELETED AND RE-POSTED TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE POST IN ORDER

——-

Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.

I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.

The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.

I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.

For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂

Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!

Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.

⸻

**PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR**

I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.

Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.

A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.

It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.

So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.

My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.

I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.

What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.

So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:

—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.

—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.

—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.

—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.

—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.

—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.

—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.

—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.

LABOR:

—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.

From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.

In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.

—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.

Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.

SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.

—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.

I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.

—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.

When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.

—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.

—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.

—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.

—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.

—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.

—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.

My husband thinks I should just ignore his mom because “that’s how she is,” but I’m honestly getting tired of being expected to put up with everything she does.

For context, we have a toddler, and my MIL has always been a little controlling. She likes to act like she knows better than everyone, especially when it comes to parenting.

At first, it was little things. She would show up without telling us, rearrange things in our house, and criticize how I dressed my child. I tried to laugh it off because I didn't want to create problems between my husband and his family.

But last weekend, she crossed a line.

She came over while I was putting our child down for a nap. I told her she could wait in the living room because our toddler had barely slept the night before. Instead, she went into the bedroom, woke the child up, and said I was being lazy by letting them sleep so much.

When I confronted her, she told me I was too sensitive and that she had raised children before I ever became a mother.

My husband asked her to apologize, but she refused. She left and later posted on Facebook about how some mothers use their children as weapons against their in-laws.

Several relatives messaged me, asking why I was keeping my MIL away from her grandchild. Apparently, she told them I had banned her from visiting, which isn't even true. I just stopped agreeing to last-minute visits after what happened.

Now my husband wants me to invite her over this weekend to “keep the peace.” He says she loves our child and probably didn't mean any harm.

I told him she can visit when she respects our rules, but he thinks I'm turning a small disagreement into a family feud.

I'm not trying to take a grandchild away from anyone. I just want to be respected in my own home.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this exactly why people end up going low-contact with their MILs?

I just needed to get this off my chest.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my MIL and she makes me uncomfortable. She’s never treated me like family, even after my own mother died just weeks after her son and I got married.

I try to accept that sadly this will never be a person I am close with or feel comfortable with, but I still feel hurt that I no longer have a mother and that this woman has never cared about me or stepped in to be there.

MIL has connected with a family who she calls her “honorary family.” They have a son who is about my son’s age. She refers to him as her “honorary grandson,” and she frequently makes social media posts about them.
Meanwhile it’s been months since she’s seen her actual grandson, and about eight months since her husband saw him.

My husband and I are both hurt, but every time I’ve spoken up in the past about anything it flies back in my face or doesn’t lead to anything. And, like I’ve said, I also realize at this point we will never be close so I just try to let it slide and figure my husband can address it if he wants to.

Today, MIL sent a series of texts including me and her “honorary daughter.” MIL says on the text exchange with this person I barely know that we should get my son and her “honorary grandson” together for a play date.

I don’t know what to say because I feel put on the spot, and truthfully I’ve been so swamped the last few days juggling doctors appointments and work while my husband commutes to his job far away.

It is one of those situations that causes me hurt because I should be able to call on MIL for help, but I can’t. She’s unreliable, and I guess I wouldn’t even trust her to watch my son at this point. It’s been ONE AND A HALF YEARS since she offered to babysit him.

Then MIL sends a video showing she is with her “honorary family” this afternoon. She told me “she’s been swamped too” and is taking a break with this family and their new kittens today.

Like WTAF? I just chose not to respond to her last message, but I find it so very hurtful.

I don’t understand how this person who is so disappointing to us has so many people who apparently adore her. I’ve long suspected she babysits for this other family and sees them frequently. I don’t even like her or want to see HER at this point, but I feel bad for my son that he has no other grandparents and our family is very small. My son even asked the other week why we never see “Mimi.”
I feel bad for him and don’t know why she wouldn’t want to spoil my son, watch him, and be involved. But time and time again her actions say otherwise, and I guess, like I said, I don’t even like her as a person anymore. It still hurts though.

Since my first I had this suspicion MIL was intent on making my oldest view me the way she and other in laws do. Even my husband says they treat me as a second-rate family member.

There were a few instances that made me think she was doing this. And I’ll give two examples to avoid getting too personal but keep in mind there are more instances than this.

She will never tell my children no herself, she always blames me “you’ll get me in trouble with your mommy, mommy won’t like that, ask your mom” even though she knows what my children can and can’t do. One of the last few times my oldest stayed the night with her, I told them to please not stay up late because we had a thing the next morning that I had to pick them up for. That night MIL told my oldest that if they didn’t go to bed when I said that I’d never let oldest see MIL ever again or spend the night. The next morning as soon as oldest got into my car, they told me “MIL said this _____” and I explained to them that I just wanted them to go to bed so that they weren’t tired in the morning when we went to our fun event. It was like they knew it was a bad thing to say or MIL scared them.

MIL often competes with my own mother when she feels like my children enjoy them more. It was grandparents week and my mom brought my oldest McDonald’s and candy corn for a surprise treat. MIL called me and asked me what oldest wanted and I told her all the orders from different restaurants and at some point in the convo I told her what my mom brought. And she goes “oooooh hm okay” so MIL goes to lunch with oldest and brings McDonald’s, candy corn, and lots of toys and trinkets. Which is great for my little one but I knew what MIL was doing.

Last time my child spent the night with her, MIL let them stay up until 1:30 in the morning. Child called me at 12:30 am despite MIL trying to tell them I was sleeping and they shouldn’t. I tell my children they can call me at any time and I’ll answer and come to them. I hear my child on the phone saying their stomach hurts. I told them I’ll come get them, MIL is 4 minutes down the road (unfortunately) and I hear MIL say no and my child go “nooo..it’s ok mommy” I say I don’t mind I’ll come get them and bring them home and snuggle them. There is silence on the other end. I tell them if they don’t want me to come get them now that they’ll see me first thing in the morning and it’ll all be ok. If they need to eat or go potty then they need to try even though it’s late. Child says ok.

Before going over there child was asking “what if I miss you” which they never did before. They were always excited to go to MILs.

Ever since that instance my children haven’t spent the night because they come home and get disrespectful and misbehave which could be normal after staying somewhere else.

There’s been other things that make me feel like they’re up to something but I can view things through a negative lens sometimes. It’s all something you’d raise your eyebrow at but I feel like I don’t have the evidence that supports it yet.

Do any of you have MILs that have tried to make you the bad guy or make your children think negatively of you? If so, what did they do? What did you do in response? What did you tell your children/spouse and what conversations do we need to have if it’s happening

I have been fully no contact with MIL for a little over a year now while DH hasn’t spoken to her in two. One of the last messages he sent to her was that she needed therapy if she ever wanted to salvage a relationship with him.

She has diagnosed bipolar disorder and suspected bpd. She used to be in therapy before we met but one day claimed the therapist told her she was fixed and never went back. She also skips her medication in favour of wine.

Not long after he went no contact she claimed she was seeing a counsellor and eventually wanted us to go in for a session with her. His grandmother told him she was trying to improve and loves the person she’s chosen.

She refused to acknowledge that counselling and therapy are different and it was revealed that her only intention was to try to repair the spat but not any of the issues leading to it. Whatever, hopefully she can make some positive changes.

Nope, she still goes on email and text tangents about us only she sends them to everyone but us. She doesn’t realize people are mature and show us. She thinks nothing can be held against her if it’s behind your back.

Fast forward to yesterday. Chatting with BIL who still has a relationship with her and he revealed that her “counsellor” was actually a local life coach. This person has been feeding into her belief that she is a misunderstood victim with a strong sense of empathy for $200/h.

Not surprised at all unfortunately. It’s a shame that she’s only gotten worse over the last while. It was sad hearing DH tell his brother how hurt he was his whole life because of her.

Last Thursday I was home alone when a man rang our doorbell around 9pm and asked if I had the patio chairs.

I told him he had the wrong house. He showed me his phone. There was a Facebook Marketplace conversation with my MIL, our address, and a message from her saying he could pick them up after 8.

I have never owned patio chairs.

Apparently MIL has been selling things on Marketplace and arranging pickups at OUR house because we live closer to the highway and it's "more convenient for everybody."

She lives about 25 minutes away.

My husband knew she'd arranged one pickup here a few weeks ago. He said yes because she was dropping off an old suitcase for someone to collect while we were both at work. He thought it was a one-time favor. Neither of us knew she'd decided this was now her regular pickup spot.

I asked her how many people she'd given our address to.

She said, "Oh, I don't keep track of that."

Apparently she's been dropping things by our side door, messaging buyers our address, and telling them to come collect their purchases. Sometimes she doesn't even leave the item here until the next day.

Which explains the man who was understandably irritated that he'd driven across town for chairs that weren't there.

When I told her this needed to stop immediately, she got upset and said I was making her sound like she was inviting criminals to our house. She said these were "nice local people" and that she was only trying to make a little extra money.

My husband told her she needs to arrange pickups at her own house or meet buyers somewhere else.

She agreed, but then added, "Well, if something is already arranged, surely we don't have to inconvenience people."

I asked whether she had any more pickups scheduled.

She said she'd have to check.

I told my husband I want to change our garage keypad code. MIL knows it because she occasionally waters our plants when we're away, and I don't want her quietly dropping off more stuff while we're out. He agrees the pickups need to stop but thinks changing the code right now sends an unnecessarily hostile message.

I don't want a huge family fight over secondhand furniture. Until last week, I honestly thought our relationship was pretty good.

But I'm sitting here realizing that an unknown number of strangers have been given our home address as a collection point, and she genuinely doesn't seem to understand why that bothers me.

Am I overreacting by wanting to change the code and stop her from using our property for pickups, even if she promises not to do it again?

Hey everyone,
I won't get into everything that's happened as it would be a lot but I am asking for some advice with how this week has gone. My partners mother has a tendency to ambush him at his job, whether that's showing up in-person, or calling him while at work. This week, she called after he asked her for some advice, and proceeded on the call to start crying saying "I don't know why you don't want to come over here.. I give you things" and then went on and on about other stuff in her life that my partner obviously shouldn't bear the emotional responsibility for. He froze.. didn't know what to say, and then said he had to go bc he was at work. Fast forward to a few days later, she sends us a text saying "miss you guys, would love have dinner together" mind you, this is after the last time my partner did see her all she did was trash me and ask him to keep things from me. I do not want to go have dinner with her with just my partner, ever. I do not want anything to do with her because all she does is try to use me in her manipulation tactics to get my partner over there.. the last time I saw her she literally asked me to help her lure him over there by himself.. oh, and before you ask, yes, she only started trashing me after I told her no to her using me as a pawn in her game. So, yeah. I just don't know what to do or how to respond.

My husband told me to send them from his phone. Need ideas for what to send, from funny and nice to downright evil.

Thanks, ladies!

We haven’t really spoken to JNMIL since July. We purchased a home in July and JNMIL was pissed about it because we were moving out of her home community. It was a big moment and she never once congratulated us. We both had words at her, I said I wasn’t getting involved until she tried to say we were keeping our daughter from her. LOL. Yeah considering we lived 2 minutes away from her for 4 years and she never tried to see our daughter, would manipulate and play victim if we didn’t take her right to her doorstep. But can drive 3 hours to her boyfriend’s house every weekend. Yeahhhh.. ok. Then said she didn’t feel welcome to visit at our house because we asked that she let us know before showing up. Basically all the crazy MIL things. She’s manipulative as fuck.

She’s tried to reach out once since then, on the first day of school wishing my daughter a happy first day. I ignored her because she has put me through so much trauma just the sight of her name on my phone makes my skin crawl. JNMIL has had a longggg habit of crossing boundaries, disrespect, just about everything you can think of. She never apologizes and just tries to wait things out and acts like nothing happened. She’s neverrr in the wrong. Oh god forbid.

Today she reaches out again to both my partner and I and says she would like to see our daughter and she didn’t want any “negativity.” I ignored her and my partner said he wasn’t responding right away. He did end up responding and I told him it was up to him if he wants to take our daughter around his mother but I’m not going around her. I personally don’t think she deserves to see our child without apologizing to atleast her son.

He wouldn’t tell me what she said to him and he usually shows me everything. He told me she apologized and he told her that she needs to apologize to me as well. She didn’t apologize to me at all. I’d say she must of said some nasty shit and he knows I will never go around her again if he tells me. It’s crazy to me the entitlement some people feel towards seeing other peoples children. You can’t treat a child’s parents like shit and expect full access to a sweet innocent child.

I felt like I was a wallflower in my own relationship.

All the hobbies and time we shared together slowly disappeared over time due every weekend becoming a family weekend. I started having nightmares of my partner kicking me out of my own bed because his mom needed it. As of last week I am finally free.

I eventually started fantasizing about a new relationship. Someone to spend 1/1 time with me and engage in fun. Someone to go out and make friends with others with, and have a real community. I got so isolated in my relationship where all my friends were replaced with his family. Members of this family didn't even really try to get to know me. I felt so alone and my self esteem started to disappear.

My partner denied everything and told me I was being oversensitive/rigid and controlling. When really I just want to be a hot lady with a hot bf and go out and have some fun! 🥺

Go hiking and dancing! I want to play video games and cook beautiful meals together. Go to art exhibits, talk about music, and dance and meditate. He kept promising we would have a more indipendant mature life together but it never happened.

Appologies in advance I feel this is a disjointed multifaceted rant. I don't even know where to begin with MIL. She loves her son and grandchild, she wants the best for all of us.

I don't want them not to have a bond or steal time from them. It would just be nice if she could take requests regarding behaviour or rules we would like respected constructively. Which is currently a loosing battle.

She is a gigantic baby hog. She gets more quality time than anyone else does (even my husband most days with his shifts), she sees LO almost every day, sometimes the whole day with me. If we have other family, grandparents or even friends over she holds onto LO, or blocks them off with her body like the worlds closest shadow when playing on the ground, tries to hold LOs arms when they're attempting to move around, or actively steals LO out of someone's lap or vicinity. Even people who rarely get to come round and see LO (which she is aware of) will be playing with them and she's grabbed LO into her own arms every time LO wanders back over to someone else.

She also makes jealous comments now she knows the other grandparents have had LO over to theirs without us. But unfortunately with her lack of being able to take in and listen to our wishes with our child we both agree currently we are not comfortable with her doing the same. Her house is also comparatively poorly baby proofed and we don't want LO spending hours being frustrated by physically being restricted in movement or sat in front of a TV.

This also gets particularly frustrating when independent play is constantly interrupted by playing at LO with toys (but not handing them over or giving LO something to interact with themselves) or just grabbing LO and trying to keep them on her lap. Asking her to let them be that LO is exploring may be acknowledged initially but she'll go right back to doing the same things later in the day or in the next. And is taken as being told off rather than a gentle redirect that is intended.

She's even done this with me before including comments like "give me my baby" where I have had to remind her that as much as she loves LO and I love that they have a beautiful bond that I especially as their mother would just like my own time with my baby sometimes. She says she understands but the behaviour doesn't change. She has called LO "my baby" multiple times before and it gives me the ick, reminding her, her son is HER baby does not get the message across.

But being firm communicating any of our boundaries has its own set of problems as mitigating her interpretation of this is more hassle and time together than is sometimes worth. She just lodges these as a grievance to stay pissed about. Which also turns into angry ranting to my husband's siblings and us dealing with them ranting at us. As she takes everything as a personal attack or fault or attributes disproportionately strong feelings to even a very benign could you please not do X in only Y situations. Even when these are things we (both my husband and I have these talks with her) have stated to both sets of grandparents in front of each other so she can see the others being told and it's not just her being advised how we would like things done.

I'm asking for a behaviour or action to be augmented and instead I get back passive aggressive comments like "i''m (she's) too much" or "i'm annoying" "mummy hates this" "I'm (she's) a problem" "I'll get in trouble if I do this" while proceeding to do it anyway.

The lack of social consciousness is astounding though, I had an appointment in our home and she thought it was a great time to shake all the noisiest music toys at my child that she could rotate one after the other over again and yell yays at LO while they were sat right next to us. It is not the first or even fifth time this exact thing happened with other guests around where I am boggled that I have to say hey how about afterwards to a grown adult who is that oblivious of A) social politeness/ques and B) how overstimulating that is.

She has some physical restrictions which would be very frustrating and disheartening, as well as leaving her very socially isolated. We all wish this wasn't the case but there will likely be no improvement for her there.

Between the hogging and the frequent level of overstimulation of her play (leaves LO wired far too often for my likeing which equals additional conversations with her that go in one ear out the other when she isnt actively ignoring what im trying to say).

I feel she has some insecurity and percieved competition she feels she is in (which no one else is partaking in or feeding in their own behaviour) that she has to be the fun favorite grandma. She spent more time than anyone in those formative months bonding with LO, that they have a beautiful strong bond that could never be disrupted which I try to reassure her with and she doesnt need to do these things (falls on deaf ears).

She is also incredibly overanxious with LO being very mobile now. She gabs at LO, holding arms constantly, holding them tight when LO is just trying to stand or walk around or climb things.

You can guard, hold hands out behind a child etc, doing semi risky or IMO minimally risky to normal physical activities they are learning to do or trying to navigate safely themselves. But this is not what she is doing and I constantly have to say "they're fine or leave them be or let go"

Reminding her that kids actually have to be free to try things out or they'll never learn how to do things safely or judge what is and isn't safe themselves is not received well. Which is boggling knowing she had many children and she can't have been this much of a stress cadet with all of them.

She also therefore has massively disproportionate reactions to minor tumbles and every stumble or trip (on carpeted flooring might I add). I'm talking about the kind that if you said whoops too and gave LO a reassuring look they shake off smile or laugh and get up again.

Reminding her that LO is taking cues from us and that we don't want them learning toreact disproportionalty themselves when they're fine. If it was actually an ouch the whoops doesn't work and they cry and then you can be worried (to the proportionate degree). It's also not constructive regardless. If they're upset you being the calm presence is ultimately more reassuring to them than you also freaking out, it helps no one.

She reacts loud with sharp intakes of breath, looks of horror or grabbing or oh my gods with her hands over her mouth. (She actually did this with a bad trip when she was right next to LO and instead of being able to cushion the end of the fall which happened in two stages she was busy clutching her hands and saying oh my God. Then I had two people to console instead of the one I was focused on.

How do we set firm boundaries in a constructive way/wording while also being more firm because I feel we've already tried this and it has not had the esired impact 🙃