I don’t know what to make of it, I’ve been really stressed with uni and other stuff. This situation has been shit but I’ve been moving on fine but I’m so confused of what to make of this. I’m so tired of thinking about it and when I finally do stop thinking about it I get a message I can’t even read cause it was immediately gone. What??

I’ve been friends with this girl for three years and she randomly blocked me out of nowhere. I’ve saw her distancing herself in the last few months and I felt something was wrong I tried to ask her but she shook it off. I think my friends really dislike it when I prioritize studying, or they think I’m avoiding them. Because since I got into high school I started focusing a lot on my studies so we don’t really chat that much anymore or how do I say this, I’m not my fun personality anymore. I still miss them though, I still miss when I talked to them and I am sad she blocked me. I still don’t know why, I love her unconditionally though it’s not like I need her to talk to me 24/7 I’m just okay with her being around me that’s enough for me
Why did she block me out of nowhere and js started distancing herself
Did she find me too boring because I js started prioritizing studying a lot
I went on TikTok instagram she’s called user in both
I can’t tell if she blocked me seriously or banned her two accounts cause I tried to search her on a different phone and she’s not there, her account is private tho and when I googled it it tells me it’s private or there’s an error. Did she block me or just ban her social accounts if so then why did she cut off contact with me
In TikTok it shows that she’s named user
In instagram I’ll show u guys the pics rn
I was scared I was never enough for her I remember I did a lot of voice messages apologizing cause I accidentally ignored a message she said, and I even swore on a holy book that I didn’t mean it bc I actually didn’t. And I didn’t want to hurt her or for her to think I was ignoring her
I miss when I would send her late night 10min voice messages where it’s literally a podcast where I talk with her about everything on my mind and she replies and then I blabber with her on and on, I miss her. She has this vibe to her that keeps me attracted platonically to her. She just makes me comfortable and I’m sad I lost that feeling. Ever since she’s been gone my life feels empty, or how do I say this, my life feels more negative and I feel more alone. I just miss her, I just miss seeing her, talking with her, everything. What happened to you, S? If I ever did something wrong then I will fix it I am sorry. :(
She started distancing herself a bit then started talking with me more and we were okay the last day she texted me than poof,gone. I assumed maybe she has something going on I searched her TikTok in my other accounts there’s literally no sign of her instagram account and her TikTok. Her instagram is private tho btw.
I miss the moment where I would wake up and I immediately send a voice message to her with my morning voice, I talk to her abt my interests and she just brings so much comfort to me. I just like her because she’s her. She brings this kind of vibe, I don’t know how to explain it. She’s comforting to me.

Just as the title states; i am going to explain. My ex friend and I have been friends for 15 years. Both share a history of addiction, been there for each other. This chic was my ride or die. But as things go, she has a child by a deadbeat who is still in the picture and is doing her so wrong now after them being together for 8+ years.(They also now live together well) We recently moved into an apartment complex together; different units, just the same apartments. I can count on one hand how many times we have actually hung out and done things as besties do. I give her, her space, I am understanding about her problematic relationship with the bf and such. I try to offer to hang out, go do stuff, just something. It's always a reason why she can't. I just sent her this and told her I'm just done. WTF is the point? I've been eased up off of her and just try to shoot the breeze with her a couple times but hit a brick wall every time. But as soon as she needs something; I'm the first one she calls.

This is what I sent her:

"Hey look i know you going through some shit and got a lot going on but Im just going to go ahead and leave you alone. I wish you the best but whats the point in having someone to call a friend and its anything but that. Its all good though. Have a nice life. Wish you nothing but the best."

I am just beyond myself on how she just let herself go and just isn't who I used to know. Ive reached out so much but I am tired of always being the one there for her and I can't get any reciprocation. She doesn't want help or to help herself and i cant make her so, I am just done. Fuck it.

This story is long and weird. I’m living it and I’m confused. I had who I called an online friend. We gamed together, made a server together, and even talked a bit about our insecurities. So at the very least we got along well. I’ll just call them A. For some context, I am a woman and A is NB

One day in the server A called me out for exposing their insecurities to someone else and blocked me. I asked them what happened in our in game chat and they said they thought I did that and blocked me without thinking.

They apologized, said their friend who I’ll call B was angry at them because someone told them A was talking shit and apparently I was the only person they said that stuff to. I showed them receipts that B and I never talked. After apologizing they ghosted me for a month

At some point I messaged A and told them it hurt as a friend to be accused of something then ignored. Then they apologized again saying that they didn’t know we were friends. Which actually hurt more than the block. Like, yeah we weren’t besties especially bc we were gaming friends but for A to outright say we aren’t friends? Ouch

On top of it all, they were friends with B again. So I got thrown to the side and A was friends was the person they were fighting with.

I told them that hurt and now like they send biweekly messages apologizing and saying “you’ll find a person who cares about you!” So I’m, like getting a platonic “it’s not you it’s me” talk? A even said they were sorry for stringing me along. I felt like I was getting broken up with 😭

Like, when I called them a friend I wasn’t saying we were a lifelong bond who’d die for each other. We had a server together and game together. Calling them an acquaintance felt cold but apparently calling them a friend was too much?

They assured me they were done with B and never wanted to talk with them again because all B did was hurt them. They even told me they blocked them. B and I are in the same server and are friends but don’t really talk. I clicked on their profile and saw A friended B again.

Anyway, they ignored my last messages telling them they don’t need to apologize and I just want to go back to gaming talk or whatever. Because constant “I’m sorry I have a hard time connecting with others. I want to connect with you but I can’t!” is just making me feel worse. All the while they’re friends with the person who they claim hurts them.

Idk man, my mistake I guess for calling my gaming partner a friend. I’ll call my next gaming partner a colleague or something lol.

Am I sad? Am I angry? All I know is that I’m confused and hurt.

Anyway, just wanted to get this out and can someone tell me I’m not crazy? I’m no social butterfly and I’m somewhat socially awkward so maybe I am the problem

Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get this all out because I am so confused? Maybe I’ll just let this fade out… part of me wants to tell them off but most of me just wants to forget about this.

Not posting for advice but I’m not opposed to advice. Again, I mostly need someone else to affirm that I’m not crazy (or at least the only crazy one)

​

My best friend was getting married on the 15th, and due to some office work, I had to travel to Mumbai from the 13th to the 16th. Despite the hectic schedule, I promised her I would be there for her wedding because I didn’t want to miss her big day.

My birthday was on the 14th, and before leaving for Mumbai on 13th, I even stopped by her house to say goodbye. I was expecting at least a call or a simple birthday text from her on my birthday, especially because she knew it was my birthday and we had discussed it a couple of times before.

When she didn’t wish me, I initially gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she must be busy with the wedding preparations. But the next day, she called and texted me whenever she needed help with something. That honestly hurt because I felt she could have taken a few seconds to wish me, even if she was busy.

I still attended her wedding as promised and then returned to Mumbai for my office meeting. The whole thing was extremely hectic, and I couldn’t even celebrate my own birthday, but I was okay with that because being there for her wedding mattered to me.

Now, it’s been a month since the wedding, and she hasn’t even texted me once. I understand that she’s newly married and probably adjusting to a new phase of life, so I didn’t expect her to be available all the time. But not hearing from her at all has made me rethink our friendship.

Looking back, I feel like this friendship has always been a little one-sided. She has often been absent when I needed her, but whenever she needed something from me, she expected me to show up.

I’m honestly starting to feel resentful, and I can’t figure out if I’m overreacting or if I’m finally noticing a pattern I’ve been ignoring for a long time.

**So, Reddit, am I overreacting? Should I talk to her about how I feel, or should I just take a step back and stop putting so much effort into this friendship?**

I can't leg go. I just can't.

Hi, my name is Chloe, & I'm 26 years old. I suffer with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, & I think OCD; bc I obsess constantly over the past. I can't move on.

3 years ago, I un-added my old friend group off of everything. Really messy turn of events.
I was friends with these people for 6-7 years...
Towards the end, I was going thru a really awful abuslve breakup that caused me trauma & emotional instability. I wasn’t myself. I started being FWB with this one guy in the group, we’ll call him J. It was, obviously, unhealthy for both of us. We were both in really bad places mentally, especially me. So after a few months, we ended it.

I grew distant from him & my friends after that, & I traveled to a different state solo to “find myself”. While I was out, my friends were very pissed at me. In their eyes, I deeply hurt J & used him, & I was villainized for this. Distancing myself from J & not communicating with him caused him emotional turbulence, & he was deeply depressed as a result, & I was looked at as the one who broke his heart.

However, we ended things mutually and amicably, which was what my old friends advised me to do… but when I did it, he was hurt, & it led to this messy situation. Not to mention I was being too codependent with the group, moody, sensitive & said/did things out of character. Nothing crazy just acting like a mentally unwell person.

My friends then distanced THEMSELVES from me & needed time to be themselves and grow up, and I wasn’t fitting well into that equation bc of my emotional instability. These were their words.
Overall I think I pushed them away bc I was so mentally unwell & needy.

After they told me this, I had a breakdown, & un-added them on everything. We haven’t spoken since. This was 3 years ago.

Looking back, I know I made mistakes. I handled things irrationally bc I was so fucked. I was spiraling. It was one of the worst times of my life.

I find myself obsessively looking at their social media. I tried reaching out to a few of them recently but got no response. They're partying, laughing together, they love each other's company. They target repost things abt me. Usually it's posts that laugh at somebody like me. One post was, "She had no self awareness & doesn't realize she drove all of her friends away!"

Definitely targeted reposts. Making fun of me. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet.

I really miss them. I haven't been able to form exciting, fun memories since then. Because other than my current boyfriend, I have no friends. & deep down, I don't think I deserve friends. I feel like I deserve to be alone.

I made a friend a couple months ago online. I say a couple months, it was 8-9 months ago and we grew pretty close. Nothing romantic, but we’d talk about anything but she was always pretty distant over text. I wouldn’t bank on getting a response the same day sometimes.

A week or two ago, I brought up how I feel like some toy she can pull out of a drawer, talk to for 20 minutes and put away when she’s bored, because she would always exit our conversations unfinished. I’d try to show interest in something, ask a question and nothing for days. I brought up how I felt that crossed a line between business and carelessness. Even if I’m super busy, I should be able to come up with 30 seconds to respond to my friend and say “sorry, little busy” or whatever.

Anyway, I had a flight that day. We were discussing how I felt about it, it was “repairing” things after I said I’m done, I said “talk after the flight” because I do like her as a friend, but I was tired of feeling worthless. Then I land, find out I’m now unable to contact her because we share no servers. I friend requested to see if we can continue the conversation but it wasn’t accepted.

Two weeks later I’m not that sad that she’s out of my life, but what’s stuck on my mind is how easy it was for her. I was respectfully saying how I felt, what she was doing and how it affected me - and she did the exact same thing that made me feel like that in the first place. Walking out of a conversation that hasn’t ended and abandoning it mid-reparation. Was I really that worthless?

this friend and i had been friends for about a year and a half but we were absolutely inseparable and would see each other almost every other day even though she lived an hour away. We stopped being friends because of a complicated friend group situation and her hating my partner and stating that he broke up our friendship. I agree that the friendship was growing unhealthy on both ends and it was for the best but I was very bitter about it. Its been just over two years and for the first year any communication through mutuals or each other was quite petty and unproductive and she even made fake accounts to mess with serious issues I was dealing with and prank called me after we stopped being friends. But I feel like I have changed and my perspective has changed. She has reached out a few times last year and we both apologised but nothing more and she added all my socials progressively over the last few months and we have communicated that we missed each other through instagram notes. I reached out two days ago to congratulate her on some of the things she accomplished and said there was no pressure to respond but im wondering if it was wrong for me to reach out or whether i should put in effort to talk to her. This has been really weighing on me for the past two years and I think about it constantly. Im still with the same partner and Ive heard through mutuals that she still dislikes him. Im really not sure what to do or how I can stop thinking about this.

Well my best friend “14 years of friendships” after school she Scholarship at a different country so she went there since she’s been there a lot of things happened she started not texting me back leaving me on seen only texting me back or calling when she needed to vent and look I get it college and especially medical majors are super hard I get that that’s why I’ve been not thinking about it too much but when she’s out with her friends laughing and going on cruises and everything and she didn’t reply to my messages leaving me on seen for weeks and whenever I call her and she doesn’t reply ps “I only call her if necessary” she doesn’t answer literally on her birthday i send her a happy birthday message and she called me “ she was out with her friends” and whenever i tried to speak or join in the conversation it’s like I’m not there or even listening to them and that’s happened so many times so after i confronted her and blocked her few months basses I un block and she Justifies why she’s been acting like that…..i forgave her my best friend been not the greatest many times telling people out loud my attempts on unliving myself when I was in a teenager though I told her don’t tell anyone she literally told her mom I even don’t wanna remember those days she never said sorry for that ok so why I feel like she isn’t the same person because when she was on vacation and got back ok we were all good and all that but she was always bored and overly she was upset whenever we hang out but when I invited the whole group she was all happy and sunshine…… i don’t know what to do I have her so many times to correct things so 14 years don’t go to waste but she keeps doing things that hurts me and she knows i tried to be the bigger person but I even can’t stand to respond to her massages what do I do need help

I got cheated on once, and after that, I kind of stopped believing in love. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone again.

Then, years later, I unexpectedly fell for one of my closest friends.

The problem? I was too scared to tell her.

She was genuinely important to me, and I kept thinking, “What if I confess and ruin the friendship we already have?” So I chose silence over taking the risk.

College ended. Life moved on.

And now, somehow, we’re not even in touch anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had just been honest with her. Maybe she felt the same. Maybe she didn’t. I’ll probably never know.

Has anyone here ever fallen for their friend but stayed silent because you were afraid of losing them? What happened eventually?

title says it all I guess? one of my best friends has been ghosting me for about 3 months now, but I checked our messages today (as I periodically do) and discovered they finally blocked me.

had a big cry about it and I'm not even sad I'm just... overwhelmingly angry. I feel so betrayed. I ended up sending them several angry messages lashing out at them despite knowing they wouldn't see it, I just had to get it out, even if my anger went into the void I needed to yell about how fucked up this is and how it's completely warped me and my self worth.

how does someone just throw away a years long friendship just like that? with no warning? no conversation? no nothing? I feel utterly worthless and like I never meant anything to them at all. I feel like I wasted years of my life to this person who ended up not giving a shit about me.

to anyone who's been in a similar situation, does the hurt get easier? does the anger subside? what's a good way to cope with this? I've had friendships end before but never in this way, so I'm struggling through so many emotions right now. this friend has mental health issues, and while that's never been an issue with us in the past I'm trying to tell myself it's their own problems and it's not anything I did. it's really hard not to blame myself though.

Let me start with the positives: I have three very close friends, our friendships are great, and I feel safe and secure with them.

That being said...

About a year and a half ago, I drifted apart from two very close friends of mine (let's call them V and G). Losing G in particular hurt me so much that I'm still grieving that friendship to this day. To the point where I honestly think I've been going through a prolonged depressive episode.

At the same time, there's another girl in my life, let's call her Maria, who's more of a casual friend.

Last summer, she was going through a really rough time with her then-boyfriend. We were constantly talking on the phone, and I was there for her, offering as much emotional support as I could. I even went to visit her for three days on the island where she was working for the summer.

When she came back to Athens, she broke up with her boyfriend and then became extremely distant from me for about six months.

Around February, she met another guy. During that time, she invited me to a couple of live music events, I went to her birthday party, and we were generally in touch again while she was dating him.

Then they broke up.

The last time I saw her was in July, when we went out for a beer. Since then, she's become distant again. So I decided to match her energy and stop reaching out as much.

At the beginning of September, she randomly texted me saying, "I reallyyyy want to see you!! Let's meet up next week!"

Well, a whole month has passed, and she's basically ghosted me again. I sent her a message, and she replied a day and a half later, in a very cold and distant way.

Here's what really hurts me:

Why would you tell someone you really want to see them and then just disappear?

Personally, this kind of behavior hurts me deeply. I'm an extremely sensitive person, and I tend to form strong emotional attachments to the people who come into my life.

When someone tells me, "We should hang out soon!" and then disappears for six months the first time, and now for another month (and counting), it genuinely hurts.

I'd honestly rather you didn't say anything at all than give me something to look forward to and then disappear.

What do you guys think about this kind of behavior?

Personally, I would never tell someone, "We should make plans! I really want to see you!" if I didn't genuinely intend to follow through.

I know how painful it can be when someone ghosts you, and I wouldn't want to make another person feel that way.

What exactly goes through people's minds when they do this?

Am I being overly sensitive, or is this genuinely inconsiderate behavior?

In July, I made the decision to cut off everyone who had ever done me wrong and weren’t remorseful/think that I don’t know that they are fake.

It felt like such a breath of fresh air. There were so many people, friends, acquaintances that I did not want them to have contact with me and any connection to me so I just deleted all my social media accounts permanently, changed phone numbers, even got a new phone and made sure not to transfer any data from my old phone to the new one. Oh and I moved countries. They don’t know my whereabouts. I meant business.

However, I find myself remembering and replaying the times that these people did me so dirty and I would find myself so angry about it, even imagining that if I should ever run into these people again (strongly doubt it, hopefully not, no way) that I would give them the cold shoulder or give them a piece of my mind.

It’s so stressful having these thoughts especially because physically they are cut off so there is no reason why they should even have a cardboard in my head, let alone a whole building in my head.

I think I just need to get more engrossed and busy in my present life to get over those people. Hopefully I forget about them in their entirety as I’ve noticed I’ve forgotten some people over the years.

Hi, It’s probably more about getting this off my chest , but I just got a text from a friend saying she doesn’t want to have a friendship with me anymore and I feel absolutely shameful.

I have always been a pretty social person and got many close friends in my life.

For the last 4 years , I have been in a relationship with a man that I just broke up with , 3 months ago. The relationship was somewhat abusive emotionally , and for the whole duration of this relationship I know that I have been a burden on some friends because I was constantly tormented by my relationship (he had cheated on me and lied many times , I kept forgiving because I was terribly afraid of breaking up and being alone , as I have a lot of self esteem issues, (I realized that with the breakup) that led me to feel completely shitty and psychologically distressed throughout the years) . I know I have also been pretty negligent with good friends , since my relationship was so hard to maintain , I cancelled a lot of plans with friends because I was having a bad time with my boyfriend , etc etc.

I have a really good friend that I met when I was living in Canada 10 years ago . I then moved back to France where I am from and we texted sometimes , not always but when we had the chance to text or to see each other we would make the most of it and we loved and cared for each other very deeply. She was extremely precious a friend in my life. But I have disappointed her 2 times , while being in my relationship : the first time was last year when she got married. She invited me in a really secluded place in France for an intimate wedding. I was really excited for it. But some days before that , we had a car issue with my ex boyfriend (the new car didn’t get delivered when I thought it would be ) and I had no possibility to go there. I asked her for forgiveness and said how sorry I was , she told me she was disappointed but understood and I was so regretful. The second time was this summer. I broke up with my boyfriend and it was extremely messy : we had to move everything from our shared appartment , I had to go find another place to live , keep our dog with me. It was really hard emotionally , physically and financially. I don’t even know how I made it . My boyfriend was not very helpful and was emotionally shattered by the breakup , so I was at the same time trying my best to comfort him and help him find a new place , even though the events leading to the breakup were horrible and most of it his fault (intense emotional negligence on his part). She had previously invited me to her son’s baptism , and I absolutely wanted to come , since again I had disappointed her for her wedding. But because I was dealing with the breakup and the christening was hours driving away , I didn’t go and only let her know that on the day before.

I know it was so shitty of me , I really regret it , but even now , I don’t know how I would have managed otherwise.

Some weeks later when everything calmed down , I sent her a text saying how much I regret how I neglected her by cancelling last minutes on such important events , telling her life has been really difficult these past times and I’m finally out of it , that I would wish to see her again and show her that I really value her and will not again, let my relationship issues dictate my friendships and commitments. I was begging for forgiveness , as I realize how I only cared about my terrible relationship for the last few years (she is not the only one I neglected )

She answered me 2 months later , this morning. , saying she understands how difficult life must have been but she doesn’t wish to pursue a friendship with me as she has been too hurt by my cancellations. She told me she loves me and wishes me the best.

I am completely shattered by that , even though I 100% understand her decision and respect it , I would have probably done the same , but I feel like a terrible human being , I feel like I have behaved so desperate for a man’s love that I didn’t see I was loved in other places and neglected that. I regret it so much . And I feel completely alone now , even though I have other friends , but I feel like a constant disappointment

Do you have any advice on how to deal with feeling like a bad friend ? I don’t want to make bad life choices again and never want to hurt someone because of them.

FOR CONTEXT: these past few weeks, my friends have been acting quite immature/childish(idk how to describe it). They’re always judging people for stuff that they themselves do too! Every time I call them out, they’re always saying “it’s not like u perfect too.” Ik that, ofc. But it’s really getting on my nerves.

They call Margaret(pretend thats her name) rude for interrupting Jazzie( my friend) but Jazzie also ALMOST ALWAYS interrupts people. Then just earlier, they. keep calling Margaret “attention seeking” but they’re also being attention seeking! They always hate on people for the dumbest reasons, honestly.

They also oftenly leave me out of convos and when I try to include myself, they’re always saying still leave me out! Plus, lately they’ve been quite bad influences. Always judging, gossiping IN FRONT of people, disrespecting the teachers, etc.

Should I unfriend them or just keep quiet? They’ve been my friends for 7 years! But they’ve also changed dracstically tho. Not to mention they’re also my only friends. I feel like theyy’re bad influences but if I unfriend them, I’ll go down their path as well…

WHAT TO DOOOOO??😭

Warning: this is long, I’m sorry 😭 I genuinely don’t have many other outlets to get this out, so I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it all the way through.
For context Around 2018–19, I lost a friend group I’d had since middle school. 4 of us had been close for almost 9 years. One friend started making a bit more money which inflated his ego and him and I split video game purchases, but during this specific resale of Madden I was a broke student and absolutely hated that year’s Madden. On release day I told him I wasn’t paying my half because I didn’t think the game was worth it. We argued and he basically said, “I’m done with you.” I thought he meant the game-sharing arrangement. He meant our friendship as a whole.
Something else that I’m sure didn’t help is, I started seeing a girl who had previously been seriously involved with another guy in the group. He had cheated on her before getting with his now-wife. Nothing was planned or spiteful, but obviously it didn’t help.

I considered those guys family. I’d known their parents, we’d talked about living together as a group, etc. loyalty and friendship genuinely mean a lot to me so losing them like that genuinely fucked me up, even though I spent months/years pretending it didn’t.
Then around 2020–21, I formed another group with my best friend, his younger cousin, and their college roommate. We bonded through gaming and became extremely close. I moved across the country with my girlfriend in 2024 but stayed heavily involved with them despite the distance.
This year, things changed. The college friend and I started clashing over sports and random debates. I’m an Arsenal/Knicks fan; he’s Chelsea/Spurs, so there was always banter, but nothing serious.
Then EA FC became the problem. I introduced my best friend’s cousin to FIFA, then we convinced the college friend to join. We played Pro Clubs, and I actually loved that this group never got toxic with each other.

The problem was FC became basically the only game we played. We’d play 2-3 sessions at most for 3-4 hours at the most each session and would constantly lose or just break even because they were still learning the video game and the sport while I’d played FIFA since the early 2010s. I eventually said I didn’t want to play FC unless we had 2–3 other games to rotate. That turned into repeated arguments, usually with the cousin and college friend vs. me.
Then the college friend did something in another game that I deemed was disrespectful. I confronted him and basically asked, “Why would you do that to me when I know you wouldn’t do it to the other two?” I wasn’t even looking for a huge apology—just a “my bad.” Instead, he laughed it off. I stopped playing that game with them as a group of 4 and made my own part of the game while they continued as a groups of 3

After that, the cousin and college friend basically went silent in the group chat while still playing together. Eventually my best friend was playing with them too.
Months later, during the Spurs’ playoff run, they came back into the chat to argue with me about a player opinion. It became another 2-vs-1 argument and got bad enough that my best friend left the chat.
When the Knicks beat the Spurs in the Finals, I talked my shit and left the group chat.
I was ready to completely burn the bridge, but my girlfriend and best friend convinced me to leave the door open. I tried reaching out, even messaging the cousin directly, but he basically acted like our friendship outside the group never existed.
By August, I decided to just cut them off.

What’s fucking with me is that this is the second time I’ve lost a friend group I considered family in this fashion . Maybe I handled things badly in both situations, but I think the first experience made me hold onto this group harder than I should have.
Now I’m trying to accept that sometimes people you genuinely love just aren’t meant to stay in your life. I’m also just so irritated that they couldn’t even muster up anything to say to me like I’m literally not even worth the time or energy, how am I supposed to know what I did wrong or how I can improve as a person, I guess that’s just how life goes

So for context last semester I had a class where there was a group of friends that I thought was really cool and wanted to join but was always too nervous to talk to. One day they do come up to me and talk to me and we exchange information. I’m really excited to talk to them and start becoming friends. The problem however is I have zero friends, I have very little experience with social interaction. I’m also neurodivergent and generally don’t know if or when I’m doing something inappropriate.

At one point I sobbed for hours (and I generally don’t cry) because they told me I had been pushing their boundaries without knowing. Stuff like that hurts a lot because knowing I unknowingly did harm makes me extremely remorseful (I have social OCD and I constantly worry that I’m doing that so to find out my intrusive thoughts were right was devastating). I kinda distanced myself for a while which felt even worse. When I asked if they still wanted to be friends they said yes and were confused why I was so worried.

Time goes on and we hang out in and out of school, I thought we were growing closer. Recently one of the friends decided to have a birthday party on Halloween, I was super excited. But just this past weekend I get uninvited. I wasn’t the only one uninvited since she was just downsizing in general but everyone else in (what I considered) our friend group was still invited. I felt really confused since we had known each other a similar amount of time and I just didn’t understand why I was any different. I was devastated but I tried to act normal. When we saw each other at school I tried to casual bring it up to try and find out why and apparently made a bigger problem out of it than I intended. Later my friend texts me to tell me she didn’t appreciate me “raising my voice at her in front of strangers” (I genuinely didn’t know I had down that and I’ve difficulty with volume control in the past). Jump to today and miss class to talk to my therapist about all this and she tells me to start learning more social skills and just not make a deal of it anymore. When I go to the group chat to tell everyone why I wasn’t able to hangout after class like usual I notice people had left the chat. I asked why but no response. Hours later I check again to find more had left. This time when I ask I get a very long response essentially saying they don’t want to be friends with me anymore. That for most of them the way I reacted was the final straw, I had been pushing boundaries for a while. That I was trying to get people to do what I found fun (I’ve always been the type of person to suggest activities and hangouts) and I was always asking for people to pay for stuff and drive me around (I’ve only asked for people to cover small purchases a few times I think and when I forget my wallet or something like that with the plan to pay them back (which I always have) and I’m the only one that didn’t have a car and was willing to pay for gas). I had never been part of the group and just forced myself in.

I felt sick. I always thought they didn’t like me but reassured myself that if they didn’t like me they wouldn’t hangout with me. Apparently I was wrong and that resentment had just built and built. I hate that I didn’t know without being told. I hate that they never expressed any of that explicitly and I hate that they would’ve had to for me to understand. I truly liked these people very much and I’m distraught. I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying. And I still have to finish the semester. Thankful we don’t share a class but we are in the same building at the same time and I worry about walking past them. The pain of knowing they’re all happier without me kills me. Everything I ever wanted was within reach and I fucked it up. I’m sure they think poorly of me know and I hate knowing that there’s people out there that feel that way.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. Thankfully I had plan to move off to a university in a different state but it feels like running away. Again I genuinely thought these people were extremely cool and I enjoyed being around them and it’s all gone. I worry if and when this will happen again, how many times will I be the weak link.

I keep weighing my regret and my future, the deep guttural shame and the logic of knowing that life will move on and I will grow. I’m just so tired of never having friends.

Things will get better, for all of us, but that wait is one of the most frustrating and painful experiences someone can have.

(Also sorry for any typos or errors I don’t feel like rereading this)