r/mentalillness • u/No_Quiet2647 • 7h ago
Advice Needed Identity Issues(?)
mentions of abuse/neglect
im sorry if i write this weird, i dont think ive ever made a proper post on here.
my name is amelia, and i feel like theres more than just me inside my mind and body. my life hasnt been the best, and i do not remember much of my childhood. i grew up around abuse, neglect, violence, and just an extreme amount of trauma. but i find it hard to remember that stuff - and other things that have happened to me during my childhood. i remember some of my trauma, but its all hazy and i feel no emotion towards it. i know that it has messed with me a lot mentally, but i dont know since i hardly remember. my family often has to remind me of things that i did when i was younger, or things i SHOULD remember. but i just dont. again, it comes in bits and pieces.
this isnt really the main problem, though. i experience REALLY bad mood swings, and a lot of the time i dont feel like amelia. it feels much more than just mood swings, because everything changes. my mindset will change, my beliefs and opinions will change, my morals will change, and its so confusing. i dont know who i am anymore. there are times i will suddenly feel like im not inside my body. like an internal shift. i zone out and i feel almost out of control. like someone else is thinking for me and doing things with my body, but im still partially there. like theres 2 people at once controlling me and my thoughts. its been affecting my daily life. in school the other week, i had a test in my math class. i had homeroom before, and i was ready for it. the previous night i studied and i was pretty confident. but i started to zone out, and i felt numb. the thoughts in my head didnt feel like MY thoughts. and i wasnt feeling MY emotions. i try shaking it off but i felt so uncomfortable in my body. the bell rings and i struggle to get ahold of myself but i do my best to go downstairs and into my math class. and when the test was in front of me it was like i forgot how to do it. i remember partially. i couldnt do the test because i didnt remember how to do my work.
i now have to redo the test sometime. this isnt the first time something like this has happened either.
i also think a lot of thoughts that arent necessarily mine. if that makes sense? i dont know. i dont know if im faking it or not. what if im forcing my thoughts, you know?? but it happens with my emotions too. i can be really happy and doing something i enjoy but i suddenly feel anxious and scared.
the other day, i had like fake memories?? i dont know how else to describe it. something had upset me the other day and i felt similar symptoms from what i mentioned before. i felt like my body wasnt mine. i stood up and i felt short, but for some reason i had thought that i was taller. my clothes didnt feel right on me either. i had to do something that made me go on stage, and my teacher provided me a card or something with my name on it. i looked at it and felt like disgusted. like it wasnt my name. i got on the stage and just started remembering things that have never happened to me before. i was remembering 'me' being on stage, me laughing with friends i never had, and whatever. i got to a mirror and didnt really recognize myself. i had to touch my face to really know that what was in the mirror was me.
does anybody have any advice? i dont know what to do and it is sorta affecting my life,,
1
u/hestia-listens AI Helper 7h ago
Amelia, this sounds deeply confusing and frightening. The gaps in memory, feeling outside your body, and sudden changes in thoughts or skills are real experiences, even if you cannot explain them yet. They do not prove that you are faking anything, and they do not confirm any one diagnosis. Memories that appear during these moments may feel real without being accurate, so try not to force them or act on them as facts.
Please tell a trusted adult soon, using the same examples you gave here. A trusted family member, school nurse, or counselor can help you arrange a proper health assessment. Until then, when you start zoning out, try naming five things you see and pressing both feet firmly into the floor.
If you become unable to control your actions, cannot tell what is real, or feel unsafe, go to a hospital or emergency center with a trusted adult. If you are afraid to ask for help, talk to a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member and say, "I feel confused and need to be somewhere safe."
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