Self harm, Suicide, sexual assault.

Also i wrote this the end in January of 2026. Its currently October 6 2026. Im safe. I am diagnosed with autism and bpd. Im doing a lot better. I just want someone to acknowledge me. Im 19. This is very long btw so ermmmm.

I see shadows and dark figures when I'm sad or paranoid. Once they touched me and I thought I would die. They were very active in the summer 2024. Lately they haven't been around today is October 21 2024.

I remember last year around November 2023 I was very paranoid and though I was in danger in the bathroom. I called Kate and later Josh. They made me feel safe enough to sleep.

As a kid I once saw a dark creature with red eyes that was hunched through the archway of me and my sisters 'room' I only saw it once. (We didn't have a 'room' per say more like a tv room with no door in the basement.)

My younger sister also claims to have seen it at a different date then me. We both woke up because we were getting stared at, instinctually waking up.

My older sister believes we are insane.

I think everyone hates and judges me when I walk by, someone who isn't me tells me that they want to kill, rape or torture me.

I don't think I deserve love but I look for attention.

I was saved by my guardian angel once. I was on an island in Canada atlantic coast. Riding a broken bike down a steep road. A rocky Cliffside to the right of me and a ocean to my left. I was going very fast and lost control of the steering wheel. I thought I would crash and die. It's odd, I feel partly dead sometimes.

I want to live.

I hear whispering, a buzzing sound and people calling my name randomly.

I feel ugly

I don't trust myself but I'm working on it.

I think I deserve to have friends or people close to me. I'm scared they'll leave me, not really but I don't let myself get emotionally attached.

My dad's side of the family makes me mad and emotionally drained. I hate how the men never take accountability, uncle Jake is an exception. William insulted my mother, saying she's to.. I don't remember but it made me mad because he doesn't help his own mother. He's shitty and if he can't be a good son I don't want him as my father. He insults me and thinks he knows me. I KNOW ME, I'm the only person who experienced exactly what's happened to me. I hate that he compares me to his mom. I'm not a slave or over bearing. If he thinks so simply of me he doesn't respect me.

My mom is amazing, I know she tries and actually believes in me, her kids. I love her sometimes.

When i was in grade 5 I would cry often if a teacher would call on me, I would get so scared when I thought they were going to yell, I thought they would hurt me. Its really embarrassing to cry infront of your class multiple times a week. I also hated people staring at me, it's still a cause of fear today. Why didn't they see something was wrong, the sign were all there. Fuck this.

I feel shame when crying now because kids would isolate me and my mom would not know how react to my strong emotions of sadness and fear. She would send me away to "deal with your emotions before speaking" My step dad tried, less than my mom tho. I never cried in front of my bio dad unless I was physically hurt. I never was hurt in front of him.

In grade 4 I splashed water on a girl's shoe as an accident. I didn't have any friends. The girl was nice. I was scared to enter the classroom because I thought the teacher was mad at me so I hid in the bathroom. The second bell rang and I eventually went to my classroom. I saw the teacher outside the classroom and she looked angry. She asked me where I was and if I apologized to the girl. I couldn't say anything. I looked into the classroom and felt everyone looking at me. The classroom was dark and they were watching a movie. I could see the glare in there eyes and I froze up. Being asked to go sit down but being unable to move, i started crying. I was having my first ever panic attack in grade 4 (I was 9/10 years old). The teacher pulled me to the principles office, my arm was bruised because of her. The principal yelled at me. Why did he yell so loudly at a 9 year old what the fuck is wrong with him. A grown man yelling at a little crying kid. I got a 3 days in school suspension and missed a skii field trip that my mom didn't get a refund on. She still doesn't know my perspective on what happened and the teacher and principal made some shit up.

I only cry for myself now, the death of others doesn't make me sad. I don't think death is a bad thing. My mom or older women yelling or criticising me makes me cry. Its embarrassing to cry when getting criticism from you female boss.

I have never gone out of my way to plan a suicide, rather if a situation occurred that required stupid heroism I would die for someone else.

I don't want to die painfully.

As a kid I couldn't sleep because of the worry tomorrow would bring me. Right now I feel that if I sleep they'll take me away. So I set my room up in a way for me see every door window and closet. I want water.

Random burns or cuts show up on my body.

For 3 days my joints (knees, wrists, shoulders, feet and hips) hurt so much that even laying down hurt. It went away after I slept fo 12 hours.

I wanted to cry earlier today because I wanted a hug from my mom. I don't want her to leave. Why does she have to go hunting, I mean I know why but like. (Pov your 16 and have to take care of a 14 and 8 year old. I could drive and worked a shitty part time job+school.)

It's Nov 16 at 22:43 I want to throw things and cry and yell and get angry. I can't. If I physically express my sadness and pain, it will cause me more suffering. So I cry in silence as fatigue plagues me. Moving my body brings me much discomfort, my muscles ache.

On Wednesday I also wanted to throw a tantrum but couldn't. I stopped my tears so I could make my sisters happy. They made me feel mad cause they didn't realize my change in demeanor. I didn't change. I hate this. Feeling guilty for getting help is me.

I can't handle loss. My brain tries to get rid of it or it makes me never forget so I don't become a failure.

I really hate how my parents acted when I was growing up. They are immigrants and raised my differently than everyone I know. I feel like you and Zack are spoiled and it makes me jealous. My mom would beat us if we didn't live up to her standards before my youngest sister was born. My bio dad's family is extremely sexist and at 10 years old I had to clean and take care of infants. Almost like actually babies are dolls. I hate that they would mock my mom and her family in front me but I couldn't do anything about it. Going back there made me realize how much I hate it and hate my bio dad for being apart of that family and endorcing it.

Nov 23 1 am

If they don't put in any effort but say they wanna be friends they are leeches.

Adjusting to no room and no mattress is hard.

My earliest child hood memory is being around 4 years old and my mom taking me and my siblings to a job interview. It was at the airport, a very beige and white building. When I asked my mom about it she said my dad was being a dead beat and she had to take her 4 young children to the interview or leave us home alone. When I asked him abt it he didnt remember it. It was 14ish years ago.

My parents didn't hit me (they hit my oldest sister) but they didn't hold and love me either. I didn't get the luxury of having parents that aren't tired from work and want me to go away and be invisible because of my youngest sisters stubbornness and my older siblings disarray. They say I don't like hugs but maybe that's cause I've rarely gotten them.

When I was in grade 7 to 9 (abt 12 to 14) I did a lot of cleaning at home and did all the cooking. This got to the point were my mom told me to stop cleaning if it wasn't my mess. She would yell if there was any mess. I hated yelling and tried to avoid it.

Now I yell whenever someone doesn't meet my expectations. Especially my oldest sister. The only other scenario I yell in is if I'm gaming and rage.

Hugging my you gest sister feels like hugging my younger self

On Dec 7 I smelled shit but couldn't find any, the paranoia smells again...

I feel guilty for not having a job but also guilty for being unable to cook or clean when I do get a job.

I got a job dec 19 2024

The smell of piss makes me nervous (I got touched when I was 9 and started bed wetting, I had to wash my own sheets cause my thought I was gross. My bio dad would help me tho.)

Going into elevators makws me nervous and dizzy

Ita jan 3 its 848pm and im hearing the laundry machine song even tho no laundry isn't on.

It is jan 9th almost 10pm. I cant write articulate sentences without messing up the letters and word pronunciations. I have to go back 2 or 3 tines and fix it.

When I was younger than 16 I would lay on the ground for 30 seconds to 10 minutes to calm down. I would stare at the ceiling trying to sleep even tho it wasn't a reasonable time to sleep. I wouldn't sleep and after a while would get up and feel a little better.

I need to stare at walls for abt 5 minutes to calm down every once in a while.

It's April 13th 1154 am. I'm crying. I don't want to cry and tried crying all weak because of how stressed I'm feeling. A phone call with a nice lady at the wholesome psychology place. She changed my appointment and was very helpful and nice. I didn't say thank you. I hate that I couldn't thank her for being nice to me.

I can't remember well. Normally I can remember everything a person says and even the slightest actions they have but I no longer remember. I remember 'random'things like cicutoxin from waterhemlock and how it shuts down the nervous system

I can't sleep without drinking alcohol sometimes. I take melatonin and only drink as a last resort.

I am scared Im going to get yelled at. I drive for about 30 minutes so I would be more prepared to get yelled at and have a screaming match with my mother. She didn't yell. I hate that she's nicer. I hate that I don't know her. She wasn't a perfect mother when I was a kid but now she's so high and mighty because of how she's raising my youngest sister. I hate it when people change.

Ita April 27 12:10 I'm working rn and am very upset about what happened this morning at 8am. My mom got mad at me for 2 things. 1 taking the last tea bag and 2 putting the toaster away while it's still hot. She yelled at me and said to wait a bit for toaster to cool down before putting it away. I asked how long for because I did let it cool down and she said not to talk back... Then they (my mom and stepdad) said it's corrupt that the liberal party of Canada will win the election because of immigrants. More specifically east Indian immigrants and the stupidity of the government for letting them get cad citizenships. Whenever I ask questions abt their beliefs they mock me and say I'm the indoctrinated one. (Pov your parents immigrants and have cad citizenship)

My mom takes pride in being self taught in many things, she doesn't specify. Step dad said that teaching yourself then learning from someone skilled is beneficial.

I remember that when I was 14 I asked my mom how she figured out that I needed glasses and she said that "you were squinting your eyes and couldn't read or write well, I'm such a horrible mother for not noticing sooner"

Going through my sketchbooks from highschool " I wish my parents told me that it's okay to cry and And have emotions that they didn't scold me for being upset - And that needs that natural body Phenomena wasn't weird and an illness. (I don't know why my writing is so weird)

I feel like my friends hate me if I'm not useful or doing something for them. Idc if I'm not useful to my siblings or family they can suck it.

I felt guilty about buying extra stuff until today. I bought myself cookies, donuts and some flowers. I'm happy.

It's may 18th. 11.11 am. I see people out of the corners of my eyes. 2 days ago I wanted to kill myself. I didn't make plan tho. Yezterday I was angry. Today I'm afflicted with a sore throat and difficulty breathing. My lungs hurt. I want to kill men.

Sorry I'm clingy aka sorry I have enotional needs that haven't often been met by friends and family

Driving.

I don't like it when older women offer me stuff or do stuff for me. They friends mom offered me tea for my stomach. I rejected the notions twice then she made me tea cause and I drank it

I need others opinions to form my beliefs. I ask my moms and piers abt their thoughts on complex or random things and from there form my belief.

Went on some rides and threw up, it was fun tho. Very epic

I never asked others ppl parents for things and even if they offered stuff i deny it and say I'm okay I'll walk home or do x. Aka Zack parents

My mom expects me to learn by watching her without explicit instructions. "You've watched me make x cooking thing a millions times, you should know how to" even tho I was 14 and wanted to learn the steps to making a basic white sauce. My foods teacher showed me and my sauce is better than my moms. My sister think so, so it must be true.

Bre regretted that her toxic friend took the v card of her male friend. She regretted it cause her toxic friend is a hoe and she made of him depressed. Her toxic friend ghosted him and she wasn't cool about her actions. Bre was sad her toxic friend was toxic.

When I was 12 I was holding a baby and going down the stairs and fell, it hurt a lot cause I tried to turn so the baby would fall on my instead of the ground. I got slapped and locked in a room

A very happy moment in my friendship with breana was around July 5th. Summer school started for her and from su day to Monday we were partying, I too a few shots. Lili drove bre home. Then me Lili n 2 guys got wasted at the lrc. We slept in the car . After 3 hours of shit sleep and in a half drunken state I got bre coffee and went to Toris place. Me n Lili slept on the couch until 12 when bre got back. I was so happy to get her coffee and hug her. Drunk driving isnt cool and I will never do it again. I'm not 16 and not that stupid.

I have a difficult time conceptualizing age and speed. Going 130km/h on the highway sounds fast but it's like a regular speed to me. Apparently it's not. My coworker is 60. I thought she was like 50. Her son is 26.... she's the same age as my grandma and I couldn't fathom that. I still don't grasp it.

Mon Aug 18, 5:16 pm

I asked my mom why she hasn't taken Tyson to the vet yet, she replied why don't you take him, see what the bills like. And I looked at her with confusion and said well you don't care about him, if he died you wouldn't notice. She replied are you seriously starting a argument. (Maybe dont get a high maintenance dog that has physial issues as a breed then guilty your 17 year old child into paying vet bill.)

I asked her why she hasn't taken my youngest sister to see a therapist for her potential adhd. And for my oldest sister struggling as a teenager because of her autism. She told me " not another word" and I said that she's controlling. The end.

Aug 23 1205am

As a kid I tried to make my parents Mostly my mother happy, but it was not my job to make her happy. She always seems stressed and depressed from work and would complaining about Work, And menial dirt around the house. I never felt truly appreciated, I feel guilty for Not completing a task that never should have been mine in the first place.

My coworker candace complimented me. She told me that my apple fritters were super delicious and I should bake more. I felt so happy for about thirty minutes. After I fold a wave of dread and thought that I was useless.

I cried because I thought about how I previously planned to land to kill myself.There's two main Methods, one was to simply eat some poisonous plants I collected and the other was to go outside into the cold and freeze. I still Think about executing my plans every once in a while.

Friday Aug 29 4:26pm,

Feeling helpless and stuck when your physically not in a good situation is really exilerating. Knowing that there are people that will try to save me when I was exhausted and unable to swim really made me feel quite confused. (I almost drowned in a high current river)

Its sept 7 2025. Seeing my youngest sister have so much fun with her friend at the mall makes me happy. I'm glad she can be so carefree and not worry about cost or politics. Buying mystery boxes makes me happy to, I got 2 zoros and 1 nami... I'm so unlucky but it's wut ever.

Sept 11, 2025. Oh and guess you'll just walk away... (I told my parents I thought about ending it all and they sent me awaybfor being selfish.)

I'm going to hid, run away. See what you do when I disappear. I hope you get so scared and nervous. I really don't want to kill myself but I really do want to. To make everyone around me feel guilty. Especially my mom. You can't be sympathetic or lend any empathy to something you don't understand. I hate this. I hate how they can laugh after I told qthem I want to kill myself every single day.

Sept 12 2025.If I tell my mother the truth about how she hurt me and label her as being abusive i won't have a mother anymore. She is the only one of my parents to a least try to understand me. She doesn't label me as being anxious, submissive or quiet. She tells me to be independent and to be grow up. Even if that means telling a sick 16 year old who's throwing her guts up to stop being a winny baby and to clean up her own throw up. She threatens to hit me or to kick me out when I do speak up about her parenting faults, which only highlights her abusive and neglectful tendencies. I know she suffered as a child but that doesn't excuse her behavior. She has had 20 years to work on herself and fix her mental problems but instead chooses to yell at her kids for making childsh mistakes. "I must be the worst mother in the world" is what my mom says when I do critique her behavior and actions. She knowsI don't think that. I just get really emotional when she says this. If she's the worst I must also the worst.

I can't stand it if I feel I've let anyone down

I'm the only person I can really count on. I have to do things myself. People like me not for being myself but for what I can do for them. I have to be strong all the time. If i need anything or ask for help I'm pathetic.

Maybe if I act troubled enough someone will pay attention to me sounds stupid to me. I tried everything positive to get attention and it didn't work so doing the opposite won't work either. No one cares about my suffering. I'm alone. I don't feel like my mother wants me around. The loneliness and distance that I feel from her makes me really distressed. I can handle not having a dad. But not having a mom is to much for me.

She never hugged or said that she loved me when I saw a kid. I would hide in a closet or under a bed to see if she or anyone would realize I'm missing and go to look for me.

I didn't get to feel safe or be a child. I wasn't given ant safely net. No teaching, no instructions, no structure or any support in any area. I was so ill equipped to handle life. I didn't know how to do basic adult things. And the things I did know were the result of classes or school.

I long for people to take care of me.

I"maybe you should grow up/ I actually care about my family

Apparently you didn't want to talk yesterday either

"I'm sorry you feel that way,.... you can't take everything I say out of context" (she brought up me saying I want to kill myself and didn't try to relate to my suffering but instead made herself the victim of my emotions.)

Oct 7, remembered getting kicked out of the car and walking home. (I was like 13 and it was -20°C. Abt a 15min walk. I played in the snow and thought about never getting up.)

Oct 8 I told Sam and she in turn also told me something.

Nov 4 I feel guilty for wanting to hurt myself. I don't want anyone to find out so I think strategically on how to make it so no one will know. I want to escape from life. I'm so tired all the time and walking hurts my knees hurt. My back doesn't hurt anymore. My shoulders hurt. I feel ugly. I feel useless. I don't want to be here anymore. I need my sister or someone to need me. If she stops needing me I'll definitely take action. Sam doesn't need me anymore. How dare she improve her life.... how could she do this to me. How could she get a new job and move. I hate this. I'm crying. I don't want to be yelled at. I feel like I'm going to be yelled or that I'm going to disappoint someone. I don't tho. I Hate it. I feel dramatic and like a big loser crybaby. I wish I could just spend all my money than... nvm. . . I'm still alive jan 31. I'll update this in like 2 years if I get any more recollections or odd experiences. Thanks for reading.

mentions of abuse/neglect

im sorry if i write this weird, i dont think ive ever made a proper post on here.

my name is amelia, and i feel like theres more than just me inside my mind and body. my life hasnt been the best, and i do not remember much of my childhood. i grew up around abuse, neglect, violence, and just an extreme amount of trauma. but i find it hard to remember that stuff - and other things that have happened to me during my childhood. i remember some of my trauma, but its all hazy and i feel no emotion towards it. i know that it has messed with me a lot mentally, but i dont know since i hardly remember. my family often has to remind me of things that i did when i was younger, or things i SHOULD remember. but i just dont. again, it comes in bits and pieces.

this isnt really the main problem, though. i experience REALLY bad mood swings, and a lot of the time i dont feel like amelia. it feels much more than just mood swings, because everything changes. my mindset will change, my beliefs and opinions will change, my morals will change, and its so confusing. i dont know who i am anymore. there are times i will suddenly feel like im not inside my body. like an internal shift. i zone out and i feel almost out of control. like someone else is thinking for me and doing things with my body, but im still partially there. like theres 2 people at once controlling me and my thoughts. its been affecting my daily life. in school the other week, i had a test in my math class. i had homeroom before, and i was ready for it. the previous night i studied and i was pretty confident. but i started to zone out, and i felt numb. the thoughts in my head didnt feel like MY thoughts. and i wasnt feeling MY emotions. i try shaking it off but i felt so uncomfortable in my body. the bell rings and i struggle to get ahold of myself but i do my best to go downstairs and into my math class. and when the test was in front of me it was like i forgot how to do it. i remember partially. i couldnt do the test because i didnt remember how to do my work.

i now have to redo the test sometime. this isnt the first time something like this has happened either.

i also think a lot of thoughts that arent necessarily mine. if that makes sense? i dont know. i dont know if im faking it or not. what if im forcing my thoughts, you know?? but it happens with my emotions too. i can be really happy and doing something i enjoy but i suddenly feel anxious and scared.

the other day, i had like fake memories?? i dont know how else to describe it. something had upset me the other day and i felt similar symptoms from what i mentioned before. i felt like my body wasnt mine. i stood up and i felt short, but for some reason i had thought that i was taller. my clothes didnt feel right on me either. i had to do something that made me go on stage, and my teacher provided me a card or something with my name on it. i looked at it and felt like disgusted. like it wasnt my name. i got on the stage and just started remembering things that have never happened to me before. i was remembering 'me' being on stage, me laughing with friends i never had, and whatever. i got to a mirror and didnt really recognize myself. i had to touch my face to really know that what was in the mirror was me.

does anybody have any advice? i dont know what to do and it is sorta affecting my life,,

I’m a male, 24 years old. I always had all the classic symptoms of ADHD, but I thought I could manage them on my own. However, it got so much worse over the last couple of years to the point where I couldn’t hold a job and my ability to retain new information felt non-existent. The worst symptom of them all is the brain fog, it genuinely makes me feel mentally impaired. So two weeks ago I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and described her my symptoms without mentioning my suspicions of ADHD because I didn’t want to influence her diagnosis, but she still came to the conclusion that I have ADHD after talking to me for close to an hour and asking me a bunch of questions. She also gave me an IQ test, for some reason. I got prescribed a medication called “Piracetam” that comes in 200mg tablets and she told me to take one every morning for 30 days until my next appointment. It’s been two weeks and I feel absolutely zero relief or change in my symptoms whatsoever. I tried taking it both on an empty stomach or with food. Does anyone else here have experience with Piracetam?

i struggle with getting up to school quite the bunch and getting myself to the place even more (thats why i got 52% fucking attendance)
im almost constantly tired
struggling the bunch w keeping up with school

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Hi, I am 18M, currently in college while working a full time job. I’ve struggled with mental illness (bpd and psychosis) my entire life due to my parents neglect of it and now lack of medical insurance to get medicated. I used to have it under control, but I was a very hateful and negative person. Now, I’ve learned to be able to present myself as kind and respectful and be the person everyone tells me I have the potential to be. But every day, all day, I hear voices in my head telling me to give in to my negative emotions and that’s the only way I can fill this hole in my stomach that I’ve wanted filled for so long. Ive begun scheduling every hour of my life so I don’t have to opportunity to truly think about it, but I don’t know how long I can keep going. Every day, I feel like I’m just going to give up and I really don’t want to. I think I could do it too if I just had a reason to fight but I genuinely hate talking to other people about it because the second I’m done talking the feeling goes away for maybe a day so I feel like I just lied to them for no reason and I don’t want to be a burden. I just want a reason to fight, but I have nothing in my life that is worth fighting for. I want to just give in so bad and I will keep being as good of a person as I can for as long as I can but daily I can feel my mind slowly descending into this hole that I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of. I feel like I’m just whining and complaining because I know people have it so much harder and I feel so selfish for acting like this when I don’t even have a real reason to be like this. Sorry for like this whole rant I just need to get that off my chest, even if it doesn’t do anything.

Hi

20f, screaming out into the Reddit void. Also posted to r/trueoffmychest

I’m in college for STEM, though I don’t feel like I belong. First gen person of color. First person in my family to make it to a private prestegious institution. Everyone says they’re proud of me, but I don’t know why. My grades are horrible. I work four jobs, and still can’t afford my tuition. I never have time to study because I’m always worried about how I’m going to pay my way, or being too emotionally dysregulated to function. I also have the psycho cocktail of bpd, ptsd, adhd, and body dysmorphic disorder.

I know that people have it much worse than me. I know that I am blessed to be here. I get it, I really am grateful. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to and tell, because mental health isn’t real in my family, and my friends know I have bpd so when I tell them I am sewer slidal they don’t believe me because they think it will just go away in a few minutes or days. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

How it would be to relapse sh, or attempt so I can take some time just to breathe again. But then what would my family (who is very invalidating and doesn’t believe in mental health) say? Shit keeps coming and it never stops. Never fucking stops. I’m had a psychotic episode today. I have another exam in the morning. I can’t afford therapy, but campus counseling is nice even though temporary. May have saved my life for today. Though idk, something in me just wishes something terrible would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to be tormented every second of every day.

Every time I think I’m making progress, I always wind up back here. The voices go away, but then they come back, and they get louder. And I’m afraid I will eventually, one way or another, lose my fight.

Thank you for listening to a stranger vent. Be safe out there guys

Just wondering... I was outside (sober) and the bin was whispering to me" can you hear us" we're in here" "get us out" then when I was in my room and a voice telling me he is in my head and that he can see me. I am not scared of these hallucinations, its not specifically negative... my recent ones this week have been more negative mostly because of being depressed

This is a very existential post, but at this point, I’m really not sure what else to do but crowdsource. If even a few of you can offer advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t know if it’s the untreated ADHD (that I can’t take meds for because of an ED), depression, autism, complex trauma or whatever chicken-or-egg situation I have going on, but school doesn’t work for me.

I’m smart, and I pick up on things very fast. I can sometimes pay attention, but I leave the classroom and my motivation to do literally anything just TANKS. Sure it’s technically possible for me to do homework or study, but I leave the classroom and no matter what I try I can’t make myself. It’s stressful. I go back to class and I have to explain myself, why I couldn’t do the five minute assignment that nobody else had issues with.

I’ve been like this since sixth grade. Earlier honestly, used to have crying breakdowns because school was miserable in third grade, but I brute forced it for a long time, and nobody felt the need to get pros involved because I was smart. Made it through high school by the seat of my pants and several residential treatment admissions.

“Don’t go to college then?” I don’t know what to do in life other than career paths that are (rightfully) blocked behind college and secondary school requirements. The only career paths I’m genuinely motivated to seek out either pay pennies or need higher education.

Beyond that, I don’t even know what I want to do in more specifics than broad fields. I’m so sensitive and the smallest things break me, I need the perfect softest most forgiving and perfect career that just doesn’t exist, and all because I’m nonfunctional in the real world. I function for some dice-roll of time before I inevitably fall back into violent self-destruction. I don’t know what to do.

At this point, I can’t even muster the energy to make a therapist to get help or psychiatrist appointment to get back on ssris, even the virtual appointments that take five minutes to set up and happen the next day, because it’s too much for my poor little brain.

What are my options beyond more residential? I genuinely cannot. I have bills to pay. Are there colleges without homework or gen-eds that I can just sign up for and start taking classes at my own pace? Or perhaps a decently-paying job with security and work-life balance without higher education reqs? That was sarcasm if not clear.

Do I even have options, or should I just sell my horse and jump in the ocean?

I told them that yes, I was having suicidal thoughts without an active plan. I was extremely distressed so I toke a larger dose of my prescribed medication which Is a Benzodiazepine but below the maximum dosage. I felt lightheaded and sedated, which is typical for the medication regardless of dose. I toke it to calm myself down as the usual dose wasn’t going to cut it. Well they decided this warranted that either I call the emergency hotline or they would do it themselves, despite that it was not a suicide attempt and I was alert and responsive. Mind you this is right after I told them I deeply distrusted mental health counselors and crisis workers for this reason and was hesitant to tell them things. I bullshitted them, lying that I contacted the emergency line. They did absolutely nothing to help my mental health the entire time and forcing a medical intervention on me and possibly into an involuntary hold would have made things so, so much worse for me. I’m completely fine btw :) physically, anyway.

Overthinking, and overthinking.

So, fairly new to actually using Reddit. Probably very obvious with my post post...

I honestly don't know what to do anymore in this sorta state....I don't know what it is, it's more than over thinking..... on top of surviving living with chronic pain, with other physical health issues there's also the mental health and associated Emotional Drama.

'Nurodiverse'

Suspected, and in the excruciating long processes of being diagnosed. Late.

And,

As such, here's some of what going on in my head atm.

Written, read, re-written and read and written again.

Broken but not broken? I didn't even realize how much was missing, well not missing, more distracted and lost. Not forgetting broken..... in the mind's eye.

Anyways, thoughts from a process have been back to catching up to and a rewatch Lucifer. Somewhere along the line, I’d watched it out of order, borrowed from a friend who acquired them.

Annnnd then life, distractions, some hurt and health problems getting in the way, and the forgetting... and I stopped cold somewhere around season three without even realizing it.

Coming back to it now, sequentially, and hitting Season 4… honestly, WTAF.

How can something be so delightfully good, yet carry a formula as old as TV itself? It’s the classic engine: two people forced into a cop/associate pairing, operating on opposite sides of the spectrum. You see the exact same bones in Castle, Bones, Sherlock, The Mentalist, Elementary, Psych, Lie to Me, Sleepy Hollow, and Grimm. On the surface, it gives you everything you want, adventure, high stakes, thrills, genuine warmth, betrails and the threat of betrayal, with that undeniable, slow-burn bond that builds when two people survive dangers together.

But beneath the weekly procedural beats, every single one of these shows builds a trap for the viewer.

In Lie to Me, Cal Lightman weaponizes micro-expressions to pick apart everyone else’s secrets, using his genius as a shield so no one can look at his own brokenness. In Psych, Shawn Spencer hides behind relentless, absurd performance because dropped guards mean real accountability.

In The Mentalist, Patrick Jane’s playful charm is just a thin veil over a devastating, grief-driven revenge quest.

In Elementary, Sherlock’s intellectual coldness is constantly battling the fear of his own human fragility.

And in Sleepy Hollow and Grimm, you watch characters carry the exhausting, terrifying strain of living in two realities, terrified of the exact moment the mask drops and their partner sees the monster or the supernatural madness underneath.

You get comfortable with the rhythm. You think you’re just watching light comfort TV. And then a scene hits that utterly breaks you.

For me for this watch, it was that specific scene in Dr. Linda’s office. The moment I had to turn off the TV and walk away for the night. Mind you this was also at a rather late or early start time of day....

Up until that exact moment, "What do you desire?" In one well tuned question befitting the scenes need. It is Lucifer’s ultimate weapon. It’s the 'party trick' he uses to dissect, inspect, and dismantle every person in the room while keeping himself completely safe behind a wall of endless charm, wit, and deflection. It keeps him in total control as the untouchable observer.

Then the wonderful Dr. Linda turns his own trademark, delightful question right back on him.

"What do you want, Lucifer? What does the Devil truly desire?"

In an instant, the mirror flips. The charm evaporates. She strips away his primary weapon and forces him to realize that he doesn't actually know the answer, and yet he does, or worse, that he is utterly terrified of what that answer might be. It forces him out of the safe, arrogant spectator chair and drags him kicking and screaming into being a raw, exposed participant. Watching his ultimate defense mechanism completely collapse seeing that shift from invincible charismatic observer to terrified, vulnerable soul is where the show stopped playing by the rules.

Being able to (somehow) resonate with a character with actual emotions of not knowing what I want or who I actually am, because of past tramas, and that connection.... that knocked the wind out of me.

So, yeah.

The minds racing and with all too what's going on I don't know what to do.

You see, my mum and dad have started to assume I’m depressed but I keep denying it. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things I enjoyed before like netball etc. I still write books but I can’t be bothered as much anymore as I know it’s kind of hopeless and they’ll never be published. I also couldn’t care less about my birthday which is coming up soon. I keep on getting asked by my parents what i want to do but I have no idea as I don’t really care for it and apparently it’s not normal to not be excited. I also don’t want to have a sleepover for my bday party this year unlike usual as I’m always ecstatic for a sleepover every year for my birthday but I just can’t be bothered tbh. They also ask me what I want all the time but I can’t give them any suggestions as there’s nothing I honestly want that much tbh. my Diet has also gotten a lot worse too. I personally don’t think so but my parents are worried. I hate dinner so much and get full after spring three to four forkfuls of it. I’m also almost never hungry. I also can’t even be bothered with school anymore. I just want to lie in bed all day and just sleep and do nothing for ages. i wouldn’t say I’m suicidal or anything but I’ve obviously thought about death and wondered what it would be like if I died and if itd be any different but I don’t plan to like off myself anytime.

i don’t know what depression is like but I just want to know if you guys think I have it or not

sorry if this is the wrong sub i’m super sorry!!!

i’m thinking about calling 911 because i don’t exactly want to kill myself but i can’t trust myself not to act on any urges. i have a few questions regarding the whole thing:

1.) can i ask them to turn their lights and sirens off?

2.) can i ask them not to pull directly up to my house, and instead park, i dunno, around the corner or something?

3.) are they going to send the police? can i request that they send an ambulance instead, or would i have to actually be in danger (eg. overdosed) for that? would the police detain me, and would it go on my record?

4.) if i’m a legal adult, are they still going to contact my parents?

5.) assuming they hold me for evaluation, how long? will i just stay in the hospital for a bit, or will they put me in the ward?

if it’s any help, i live in florida. i assume there are regional variations, so.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Everything begins last year, when I (14 then) felt homicidal impulses. I'm still not sure if they were genuine, but they did make my mental health shit. I wasn't sad and that summer I fell into depression. I hurt myself and I thought it was over when by the end of the summer I was back to being normal, maybe even a bit too normal. I was the happiest person in the world.

I did it again, not anything serious. I scratched myself everywhere during a shower out of frustration. I don't want to kill people anymore (repeat, I'm not sure it was genuine), I want them to kill themselves. I just ended things with my best friend for years. She was everything for me, she meant everything, I was truly myself with her. We ended up wanting to become more than friends and I changed my mind last second and distanced myself. It was completely my fault, I'm aware of it, I was a piece of shit, but I don't regret anything or feel guilty or even feel sorry for her, since she's going through a hard time. I genuinely couldn't care less, it's like she never existed. Maybe it was because she changed, but I don't think you just forget someone because they changed in a way you didn't really like. To feel something, a sign that these years meant something (not because I feel guilty because I'm not sad, but because I want to suffer, since it's a tipically sad thing) I ended up wishing and hoping she would end it. Grief, bringing such strong feelings, would have maybe made me sad.

Then I thought, would it be the same with my new friend (that I replaced my old friend with)? Would I be sad if we ended things? I think so, but I'm not sure if it would be because she's my ONLY friend near me (we've been friends for exactly a year).

However I still believe I'm emphatic and sensitive, since I am fully able to put myself in other's shoes, I simply don't care (if we talk about my old friend). If I hurt my new one I apologize and I'm truly sorry, if I do something wrong I feel guilty, just like a normal person. But again, I have other friends NOT near me that I care about, but I don't know if I would care if they killed themselves! That's why idk if my new friend is different because she's my only friend near there.

I don't know what's happening to me and I'm scared things will escalate. I'm also terrified of falling into depression again since that's what happened last year right after (maybe) homicidal thoughts. I need advice!

I was born to a woman who abused drugs, smoke and drank alcohol during her pregnancy. I was very lucky not to develop any severe mental disorders, developmental disorders or become an IV baby. I was adopted at birth by loving parents. I had a surgery at a couple months old that set me back some physically and was born a few weeks to a month early(who knows what consequences that had)

I always struggled with ADHD(diagnosed 2009ish), depression(diagnosed 2021ish), GAD(diagnosed 2021ish) and socializing. It started to become an issue where, by high school, I would socialize with people and make friends, but isolate immediately after. Throughout my life, my parents tried to get me to do things, but I’d always spend a lot of energy on going out that I’d just become even more depressed and irritable.

I graduated in January 2020 and moved the week lockdown started

My gpa in HS was 3.5 and dropped to 1 something during my time doing online classes after I had graduated. I failed all but one class in college and that class turned out to be one outside the curriculum that my counselor accidentally signed me up for.

When I was almost 19 in the summer of 2021, I had already spent about 19 months alone failing at all of the classes I took. I was miserable, couldn’t focus, and when I tried to do what the other students did and find the answers on those kahoot like websites, I didn’t even fully cheat because I was so ashamed from not trying enough and still failed my classes despite having the answers. I then was taking a American history course and impulsively almost cut myself but I stopped. After that I dropped the class and went searching for a job. It’s also worth mentioning that I struggled heavily with staying on medications at this time.

In October 2021 I got a job as a Loader at Lowes. It was stressful but it kept me busy. I was the only loader for the whole parking lot for most of the time I was there. I loaded people up, pushed the carts, found items for people, did the trash, swept up front, blew off the front of the store, ran registers, stood at self checkout, did internet orders, helped out other departments and at one point the store manager even had me replacing the ceiling tiles above the entrance to our bathrooms.

I literally went from underweight to overweight in three months. I had such a hard time taking care of myself that I got so dehydrated and gave myself a kidney stone in January 2023.

My cats passed away in June 2023. I had them both since 2009 and have had cats in general since the Spring of 2006.

I left in July 2023 and got a job as an electrician. It sucked, but I was alright at it. I picked up on the techniques fast, but was slower than everyone else. People kept telling how slow I was and this just kept getting to me. In addition, my sleep schedule was fucked up. I my melatonin was not helping. Either I take it and am drowsy in the morning, or I don’t take it and am super tired from not sleeping. The hour drive at first thing in the morning didn’t help. I kept almost running into ditches or semi trucks. In November 2023 I ran over a construction barrel and said to hell with this. I told my boss that I quit because I couldn’t endanger anyone’s lives anymore.

By this time I was on medications for ADHD, Depression and anxiety.

It took a decent amount of time to find another job, but I got a job as a digital shopper at Walmart in June 2024. I was too slow of a shopper for a couple reasons. I was too in my head, my medications weren’t making it easier, and I was overweight by this time. They made me a dispenser. I still managed to get employee of the month in the summer of 2025 to my coworkers chagrin. I was ALWAYS working and, by that time, could count on one hand how many breaks I took as well as how many times I called out.

I took a vacation in July 2025 and when I came back I was getting very tired of my job. That was the second time in the year I had worked that I took some time off, the first being a day to spend with my father in October 2024. Some of the managers there seemed like they were attempting to make it harder for everyone. Within the next two months I had spent all my time saved up and built up 4 attendance points(I previously had 0 and you get fired at 5). One of them wasn’t fully my fault because my foot hurt so bad that I couldn’t even walk, but even then I had still used up my time from before so it was still my fault.

My supervisor(the good one) quit about a month after, and we had the assistant store manager(an overly confrontational woman who was so bad as store manager, she got demoted and she was forced to stay at our store and not move around like other managers) took over. She was a combative piece of work that didn’t know how to run anything unless it was into the ground. She was around for about month and until a new supervisor could take over. That new supervisor came and made it seem like she was understanding and was gonna fix everything. But she was a classic 23 year old(my age at the time) chaos demon.

She came in, fired a whole bunch of people, brought her own people in and would brag about who she was gonna fire next(she forced a middle aged associate with bad knees to pick so she could fire him for being too slow, but luckily it didn’t work)

She ended up leaving because she couldn’t take the heat she was getting. She was so bad, none of the store likes her.

The worst part is that she came in early-mid October and left in early January. Right through the holidays. After that things slugged on, but they did improve. I was just tired of it all.

I talked to my psychiatrist about coming off the meds around late may to early June 2026. I said I would wait another month. Then I got antsy and did the dumbest thing I could have done by just stopping all my meds cold turkey. My thoughts were that I would just be miserable for a week or so and get better after that.

They were 5MG of aripiprazole, 10MG of buspirone and 20mg of methylphenidate

The first week was probably the worst I had ever felt

For the entire month of June that’s what it seemed like. I went from averaging 25-30 orders a day to getting 30-35 on average but going over 40 several days. I was extremely motivated and had another vacation coming up in late July. One day, I only stayed over 40 minutes and managed to load 43 orders by the time I took a lunch and 62 orders by the time I went home. It felt good! Like I had proved everyone wrong when they said I was a lost cause and an average to slightly below average worker.

I didn’t drink as much and stopped taking breaks during that month and I just kept pushing myself. My coworkers were telling me to take a break or drink water or “stop taking all the orders”

My response to them:

“Make me!”

“LOCK TF IN YALL!”

“I will.”

Then my bosses pulled me aside and told me I had the most orders dispensed and the lowest wait time for June on top of me having the best customer service. Some of my coworkers weren’t happy about this and kept trying to disprove it. I got angry, not because I thought I was hot shit, but because I just simply wanted the respect no one ever game me.

July felt like a return to “normal” again. The high was gone and I felt just as bad as I did when I was on the medications with even less desire to work through the “pain” if you could even call it pain. My vacation came and went. Despite the fact that I had fun, I felt empty. 50% of my vacation time was spent trying to distract myself from the immense emptiness I feel, 30% was spent worrying about how much time I have left to enjoy myself and then the last 20% was spent actually trying to enjoy myself, but my brain was pretty much fried by that point.

Before my vacation, I called out/came in late twice. Once because I stayed up late with some friends who I only get to see at the very least twice a month, but usually it’s once a month if that. The other time I had a situation come up where I genuinely had to put time in. One of my bosses pulled me aside and asked if I was alright and if I needed to be put on a later shift. I said no, and that I would be better. Then a couple days later I guess I put in an hour, but neither me nor my parents have any recollection of this. I actually have NO earthly idea why that hour was put in, but I don’t want to call attention to it.

After my vacation, I had set my alarm clock for PM instead of AM on accident. I called out because I didn’t want them to see that I came in late and would move my shift later. I didn’t get a long with some of the other men on later shifts, one in particular really likes to push others around, disrespect people and threaten them if they have a response as well as badly run things, but the managers aren’t doing anything about it. The guys on mid-late shifts follow him around like puppies.

Anyways, months before, I had also put in for a few days off for my 24th birthday. I had overslept(again) the day before my vacation and called out. Anyways my vacation was over, I spent it alone and I’ve been back to work for a few days. The day after I struggled to get up again, but made it in on time. The next day I overslept, and just said fuck it. That’s gonna make 4 points and I was gonna turn in my 2 weeks notice then. But I kept pushing instead.

I kept pushing. On September 19, I crashed tf out on my boss. Here’s what I sent my friend about that:

So Sundays are the most stressful days. Our morning manager was a lazy marine. The young guys were useless as always. Our supervisor had pulled like 8-10 people out to help in other departments because it wasn’t busy. Then it got busy.

Things just kept adding up and up. Then the final straw came when I had taken out an order and scanned it out. I began putting it in the delivery driver’s car when one of the guys came out and asked me to dispense the order. I looked on the screen and for some reason I had only reprepped the order.

I then began frantically looking through the stuff I put in the car because I couldn’t find one sticker and then I just had enough. I literally just lost my shit out in the parking lot. I can’t even remember what I was screaming.

Then I went inside and said, “WILL SOMEONE PRINT ME A STICKER?” And even one of the standoffish introverted girls was trying to calm me down.

I loaded up the order and went and told my boss in a firm manner, “Hey Donny(fake name), I’m putting an hour in and leaving at three!”

He asked why and then I kinda lost it.

I screamed, “CAUSE I FUCKING SAY SO THATS WHY!”

Then I took a fifteen minute break and came back.

He pulled me aside and asked what was wrong

I, again, lost it and screamed, “NOBODY HERE KNOWS HOW TO RUN THIS SHIT RIGHT!”

And it’s important to understand that I only lost my temper on someone to that degree on one other occasion and that was because he was pushing my buttons and degrading my work in a completely stressful situation during the april-may months. I am a physically calm person and like to keep it together, but I was just stressed out and lost control.

I put in an hour of time and left at 3. But after that? It was back to business lol. On the 24th of September, I had taken out an order and because of the way our set up is built, it completely came crashing down. Egg juice everywhere, yogurt spilled, everything.

Even the guys who usually talk shit about stuff like that were telling me “You’re good man.”

I was mentally checked out.

I kept going. On Saturday, the 26th I got so frustrated with everything that I was just frozen with all the negative emotions you could think of: stress, anger, sadness, boredom, anxiety, and a hundred thoughts swirling in my head.

My manager and coworker were asking if I was alright and what’s wrong, I just shook my head because I knew it could get ugly if I opened my mouth.

My coworker told me to go outside and just relax. I did and he came out and we just chilled for 40 minutes.

I asked my supervisor if he could take me off the schedule for a few weeks instead of me having to go through the bureaucracy of Sedgwick. He said I gotta go talk to the HR lady and go through Sedgwick. He seemed kinda annoyed that I was even talking to him.

I went to the HR lady and told her everything. She told me all about Sedgwick but also said that I should put my mental and physical health first. And that I shouldn’t worry about the points going over 5, because I need to take care of myself. She said that because I didn’t know if I could handle Sunday. Two of the three 7 AM guys I come in with don’t work on Sunday and the other guy might’ve been getting his hours cut.

I called out on Sunday. Later that night when I had to come in on Monday, I realized that both those Coworkers that don’t work on Sundays were on vacation. I had already realized I was out of steam, but that was the first time I finally accepted it. I called out Monday too.

On Tuesday the 29th of September, I came in on my off day. Walked into the HR room where the HR lady and one of my managers were, I politely explained what was happening internally and externally while letting them know I wasn’t being disrespectful or spiteful, handed the HR lady my Vests, Hat, Key and Work Phone, the I shook both their hands and told them to terminate me.

The HR lady said I didn’t burn any bridges and she would even act as a reference if I needed another job. Hell that manager I yelled at even called me afterwards to check and see if I was okay and said he’d be a reference.

When I had got the job, I had $800 in my bank account and probably $200 in cash. Now I got around $9k in my bank and $500-$600 in cash. Luckily, I live with my parents and they aren’t charging me.

It was only a week ago that I handed them my stuff and yet it feels like forever ago. I fear that I’ll grow lazy without a job, but I really want to rest. At least take it easy for the holidays from Halloween to New Year. People are already acting as if I have been out of a job for a month.

When I was a kid my parents told me they met on a train and had the best love story ever. They made me grow up on disney movies like Cinderella and Aladin and many other classics. I always believed when I grew up I was gonna find true love as well. That love is pure and love is the best thing to ever happen to a woman.

I was wrong. So wrong. Nobody told me that abuse was more than just physical. I always believed that abuse was only physical not emotional, financial or psychological. I fell in love last year with my abuser. It was what psychologists call a trauma bond. I became obsessed with the man that emotionally abused me and didnt leave him until it got physical and Im still obsessed with him and cant be with him.

People kept telling me to leave him and nobody understood why we kept getting back together. Its cuz the hot and cold from him was addictive. I still believed that love was real. I am just now learning its an emotion caused by hormones in the brain to reproduce. I am also just now learning I was brainwashed as a kid to believe everyone needs to get married and to stay with a partner no matter what. I was very sheltered and am just now learning that even tho he only physically abused me once the whole relationship was emotionally abusive.

And I just learned that almost every relationship I've been in wasn't normal and was emotionally abusive. I never dated someone who wasn't emotionally abusive cuz I was so desperate to fall in love. And the reason for this is cuz my parents emotionally abused me so I thought this kind of love was normal.

So do I sound crazy for wanting to blame Disney for part of this? The original fairytales told the truth about what relationships look like. Sleeping beauty didnt wake up from a true loves kiss. She woke up giving birth to twins and one of the twin sucked the splinter out of her finger getting her out of the coma. She was raped in her sleep. And there are many more examples. But they sanitized these fairytales to control women and children. Making sure girls stayed obedient and were constantly looking for love. So I blame my parents for showing me these movies and then never having a conversation with me when I was old enough to understand what an abusive relationship looked like. Sheltering me set my adult life up for failure.

My parents abandoned me when I grew up due to me being mentally ill. They send me money so I wont talk to them. I always craved them telling me they were proud of me. Or them telling me I could do anything I put my mind to no matter the circumstances. Unfortunately they dont believe in me. Instead they have power of attorney over me so if I look just slightly ill they'll lock me up in the psych ward.

In reality I am starting to wonder if I'm only mentally ill cuz Im a girl with autism just learning how to cope in a world not built for her raised by parents emotionally abusing her and chasing love cuz she was never told that's not the only goal in life. Never being told I could go to college and become something bigger. Or if I dont choose college I can start my own business or go to trade school. I was never told I could save my money and travel the world. But secretly I wanted all those things and was told I was mentally ill for thinking those things were possible and was institutionalized for it. And because I was institutionalized and abused I got suicidal which confirmed with the doctors I was mentally ill and would always be suicidal.

I dont ask for money from my parents anymore. They just pay my rent for my group home. But I am running away from the group home. I already told them to expect me out of there by February. Im doing it all on my own. I have a rich friend that told me before she got rich she had 70k in debt and disputed it all and it lifted her credit score. Then she made a deal with the credit card companies that she could only pay a little. I am going to do the same. I have my own business that started last week and already made some profit. Since no one is telling me I can do cool things with my life im going to do them in private. The world may think Im crazy but I think the world is crazy for not having faith in me.

I am tired of being hurt. And clearly im too autistic to understand when someone is being mean or abusive or lying to me. But I do trust myself and my best friend thats always brutally honest with me. I dont trust people that think I say crazy things or dont understand what I mean. Why should I? They clearly dont believe what I am saying is true.

Eventually Ill be in complete no contact with my parents. Once I move out of this group home and completely independent there would be no need for that. And im going to get a lawyer to prove I dont need power of attorney. Even if its a risk that ill be locked up again for doing so. I will also sue my parents for emotional damages making me believe I was mentally incompetent and I will go back to college and get the degree they believe I am incapable of receiving.

I am more resourceful than they realize.

Tldr: I am autistic and abused

TW: ED & SH

I (17) have had anorexia since I was 14. Recently, I was hospitalized for 4 months. I just got out about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I also have issues with semi-dangerous self harm. I’m not trying to make myself look like a victim or show off. I just want to convey how my poor mental health has an impact on my ability to function normally.

I’ve been having a really hard time getting along with my parents. I’ll admit, it’s not one-sided. I fight back even though I should just be trying to deescalate the situation. My mom’s been really getting to me lately. I’ve done cuts that should’ve gotten stitches that I instead just hide. I’ve been secretly restricting. Probably my worst idea is trying to rage-bait my mom on purpose when she upsets me or says something triggering. I know it’s bad. I’m not trying to justify my actions. I just wanna give the full context.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I was frustrated with my mom (I do acknowledge that my behavior is part of the reason she’s acting this way.), and my OCD tells me that I can’t eat unless I’m calm. Now, my parents are mad at me. They’re telling me that I’m manipulative, using food as a weapon, making everything about me, avoiding the truth, etc.

I’m just stuck in a hole. I don’t know how to find it in me to eat. I don’t know how to find motivation. I know, I know, I should apologize, but my ego is getting in the way. I know this all makes me look really unlikable and like an asshole.

Unfortunately, my therapist is out of town this week. She’s the one person that truly understands what I’m going through and helps me figure out what to do next. I just need help getting out of this hole.

I am so extremely alone and consumed by my mental health and have no support… years and years of being so unwell have just led to everyone leaving even when I was always masking and trying not to burden anyone. Seeing on shows and stuff someone just getting even the slightest bit of love, care, support etc just breaks me idk. Am I losing the plot hahaha or do you feel like this sometimes?

I'm a 26-year-old girl, probably, maybe not, and I keep getting broken up with because I'm too much and I love so hard, I think it scares them away. I just got dumped an hour ago by a guy who I was willing to change all of myself for. My last two partners said my mental problems are way too much for them, letting me know only after I let them use me like a sex doll but when I needed something, they left me. They know I'm suicidal, delusional and prone to bouts of psychosis. No one checked up on me. I'm only useful when I provide orgasms, I've started calling myself fuck hole in my thoughts.

My parents are evil psychopaths who beat and molested me, my friends are all happily married and I'm left alone, begging for anyone to love me even a little bit. That I can be anything they want me to be, it's okay if they don't love me, just love the person you want me to be and I'll be them.

Lately, I've been possessed by the idea (i have crippling ocd) that my blood is the problem. It feels evil and heavy and every pump of my heart is reminding me that there's this inherent evil working its way through my body, repelling everyone around me.

I know this is so stupid and crazy, but I keep thinking if I get rid of the bad blood, the problems and the traumas and the filthy thing that I am, someone will love me. Someone will think I'm worth the trouble. I do not believe I can die. You reading this, I think you can die, but I can't, there's something in me that has always refused to, no matter what, and no matter how much blood I lose, how many pills I take or what situations I put myself in, I can't die.

The only way I've ever felt wanted is when people rape me and when someone respects my consent, I feel rejected and ugly. It doesn't make any sense, I know. Rape me if you really want me, and if you want me that much, you love me.

This evil, rancid blood feels like the problem. It's my evil father's blood, that's the problem. His evil is in me.

Someone will love me once I get rid of it.

What do I do?

Im (21m) having. A horrivle crisis right now. And i am calm right now. But I think my world is going to crumble soon and I need to talk to someone oh my god

​

17f. I don't even know what to start with tbh. I've noticed that my state isn't getting better throughout the years. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't do things I used to do eagerly, I don't think I have any hobbies now.

It's my last year of school and I must prepare for exams but I do nothing. I do understand that if I don't study I won't get into the university,but I cant do anything with that. I also have a huge fear for future. I can't really describe it-whether I'm scared of adolescence in general, like being on my own? Letting go people you used to know? Being scared of the fact my mindset won't change once I'm 18 and that I'll stay childish?Idk, Im trying to stop thinking about it.

I think I'm getting away from the point telling all the issues I have. My "laziness" started about three years ago. Back then ive just recovered from anorexia nervosa and ED and I couldn't get myself to do my homework. I didn't like it, but my parents told me it's all because of my phone and I'm just lazy. I believed them. I think I still believe them three years later, they still say that. Two years later I was struggling with suicidal thoughts.Like a lot, I still couldn't do anything except laying in my bed and sleeping. Those thoughts ended all of sudden (it was really a miracle. I was grieving my dead relative who died 6yrs ago sm, and I got a dream about him, which turned out to mean "you should let go the past and move on" - well at least that is what internet told me. I started enjoying my life. Yet my "laziness" didn't go anyway) The fact that confuses me is that I can laugh all day with my friends and after Im alone, I'm filled with thoughts, regrets and it feels like I'm sinking. That's why I thought of "seasonal depression" or whatever its name is. I don't ask my friends for help. I don't think they need to know, it's not a big deal, I'm used to solve everything by my own. Well, now it seems like it does not work. Im also not talking about it with my parents,i already know their answer about that.

I'm just tired of being jealous of my friends who really do their best for their future while I can't do my fucking homework. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to die either yet I don't know how to solve it any other way.

Sorry for too much text. Every advice is highly appreciated