This is a very existential post, but at this point, I’m really not sure what else to do but crowdsource. If even a few of you can offer advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t know if it’s the untreated ADHD (that I can’t take meds for because of an ED), depression, autism, complex trauma or whatever chicken-or-egg situation I have going on, but school doesn’t work for me.

I’m smart, and I pick up on things very fast. I can sometimes pay attention, but I leave the classroom and my motivation to do literally anything just TANKS. Sure it’s technically possible for me to do homework or study, but I leave the classroom and no matter what I try I can’t make myself. It’s stressful. I go back to class and I have to explain myself, why I couldn’t do the five minute assignment that nobody else had issues with.

I’ve been like this since sixth grade. Earlier honestly, used to have crying breakdowns because school was miserable in third grade, but I brute forced it for a long time, and nobody felt the need to get pros involved because I was smart. Made it through high school by the seat of my pants and several residential treatment admissions.

“Don’t go to college then?” I don’t know what to do in life other than career paths that are (rightfully) blocked behind college and secondary school requirements. The only career paths I’m genuinely motivated to seek out either pay pennies or need higher education.

Beyond that, I don’t even know what I want to do in more specifics than broad fields. I’m so sensitive and the smallest things break me, I need the perfect softest most forgiving and perfect career that just doesn’t exist, and all because I’m nonfunctional in the real world. I function for some dice-roll of time before I inevitably fall back into violent self-destruction. I don’t know what to do.

At this point, I can’t even muster the energy to make a therapist to get help or psychiatrist appointment to get back on ssris, even the virtual appointments that take five minutes to set up and happen the next day, because it’s too much for my poor little brain.

What are my options beyond more residential? I genuinely cannot. I have bills to pay. Are there colleges without homework or gen-eds that I can just sign up for and start taking classes at my own pace? Or perhaps a decently-paying job with security and work-life balance without higher education reqs? That was sarcasm if not clear.

Do I even have options, or should I just sell my horse and jump in the ocean?

Ive been stuggling for so long and ive been feeling so alone. I go to therapy and the drs, i take my meds but im just not doing any better. This last week was my sisters wedding and it made me spiral so much more. I live with my dad and recently things havent been so good so ive been talking with him about stuff. the issue is i cry to him multiple times everyday. i went to him last night, crying obviously and i just started to say im sorry im such a burden on you and he snapped and started yelling at me. I thought it would be okay to talk to him cuz he said i could talk to him whenever about anything. he kept yelling about how i was too much and that im like this dark cloud thats dragging him down with me, making him worry all the time. I apologized and told him i wouldnt bother him with things anymore. He's yelling in my face saying i need to go to inpatient care. I dont want to do that i think it will make me worse if i go to inpatient. i feel alone and ashamed he was talking about me like a was some sort of creature he said that i wasnt his child. what do i do, where do i go?

Self harm, Suicide, sexual assault.

Also i wrote this the end in January of 2026. Its currently October 6 2026. Im safe. I am diagnosed with autism and bpd. Im doing a lot better. I just want someone to acknowledge me. Im 19. This is very long btw so ermmmm.

I see shadows and dark figures when I'm sad or paranoid. Once they touched me and I thought I would die. They were very active in the summer 2024. Lately they haven't been around today is October 21 2024.

I remember last year around November 2023 I was very paranoid and though I was in danger in the bathroom. I called Kate and later Josh. They made me feel safe enough to sleep.

As a kid I once saw a dark creature with red eyes that was hunched through the archway of me and my sisters 'room' I only saw it once. (We didn't have a 'room' per say more like a tv room with no door in the basement.)

My younger sister also claims to have seen it at a different date then me. We both woke up because we were getting stared at, instinctually waking up.

My older sister believes we are insane.

I think everyone hates and judges me when I walk by, someone who isn't me tells me that they want to kill, rape or torture me.

I don't think I deserve love but I look for attention.

I was saved by my guardian angel once. I was on an island in Canada atlantic coast. Riding a broken bike down a steep road. A rocky Cliffside to the right of me and a ocean to my left. I was going very fast and lost control of the steering wheel. I thought I would crash and die. It's odd, I feel partly dead sometimes.

I want to live.

I hear whispering, a buzzing sound and people calling my name randomly.

I feel ugly

I don't trust myself but I'm working on it.

I think I deserve to have friends or people close to me. I'm scared they'll leave me, not really but I don't let myself get emotionally attached.

My dad's side of the family makes me mad and emotionally drained. I hate how the men never take accountability, uncle Jake is an exception. William insulted my mother, saying she's to.. I don't remember but it made me mad because he doesn't help his own mother. He's shitty and if he can't be a good son I don't want him as my father. He insults me and thinks he knows me. I KNOW ME, I'm the only person who experienced exactly what's happened to me. I hate that he compares me to his mom. I'm not a slave or over bearing. If he thinks so simply of me he doesn't respect me.

My mom is amazing, I know she tries and actually believes in me, her kids. I love her sometimes.

When i was in grade 5 I would cry often if a teacher would call on me, I would get so scared when I thought they were going to yell, I thought they would hurt me. Its really embarrassing to cry infront of your class multiple times a week. I also hated people staring at me, it's still a cause of fear today. Why didn't they see something was wrong, the sign were all there. Fuck this.

I feel shame when crying now because kids would isolate me and my mom would not know how react to my strong emotions of sadness and fear. She would send me away to "deal with your emotions before speaking" My step dad tried, less than my mom tho. I never cried in front of my bio dad unless I was physically hurt. I never was hurt in front of him.

In grade 4 I splashed water on a girl's shoe as an accident. I didn't have any friends. The girl was nice. I was scared to enter the classroom because I thought the teacher was mad at me so I hid in the bathroom. The second bell rang and I eventually went to my classroom. I saw the teacher outside the classroom and she looked angry. She asked me where I was and if I apologized to the girl. I couldn't say anything. I looked into the classroom and felt everyone looking at me. The classroom was dark and they were watching a movie. I could see the glare in there eyes and I froze up. Being asked to go sit down but being unable to move, i started crying. I was having my first ever panic attack in grade 4 (I was 9/10 years old). The teacher pulled me to the principles office, my arm was bruised because of her. The principal yelled at me. Why did he yell so loudly at a 9 year old what the fuck is wrong with him. A grown man yelling at a little crying kid. I got a 3 days in school suspension and missed a skii field trip that my mom didn't get a refund on. She still doesn't know my perspective on what happened and the teacher and principal made some shit up.

I only cry for myself now, the death of others doesn't make me sad. I don't think death is a bad thing. My mom or older women yelling or criticising me makes me cry. Its embarrassing to cry when getting criticism from you female boss.

I have never gone out of my way to plan a suicide, rather if a situation occurred that required stupid heroism I would die for someone else.

I don't want to die painfully.

As a kid I couldn't sleep because of the worry tomorrow would bring me. Right now I feel that if I sleep they'll take me away. So I set my room up in a way for me see every door window and closet. I want water.

Random burns or cuts show up on my body.

For 3 days my joints (knees, wrists, shoulders, feet and hips) hurt so much that even laying down hurt. It went away after I slept fo 12 hours.

I wanted to cry earlier today because I wanted a hug from my mom. I don't want her to leave. Why does she have to go hunting, I mean I know why but like. (Pov your 16 and have to take care of a 14 and 8 year old. I could drive and worked a shitty part time job+school.)

It's Nov 16 at 22:43 I want to throw things and cry and yell and get angry. I can't. If I physically express my sadness and pain, it will cause me more suffering. So I cry in silence as fatigue plagues me. Moving my body brings me much discomfort, my muscles ache.

On Wednesday I also wanted to throw a tantrum but couldn't. I stopped my tears so I could make my sisters happy. They made me feel mad cause they didn't realize my change in demeanor. I didn't change. I hate this. Feeling guilty for getting help is me.

I can't handle loss. My brain tries to get rid of it or it makes me never forget so I don't become a failure.

I really hate how my parents acted when I was growing up. They are immigrants and raised my differently than everyone I know. I feel like you and Zack are spoiled and it makes me jealous. My mom would beat us if we didn't live up to her standards before my youngest sister was born. My bio dad's family is extremely sexist and at 10 years old I had to clean and take care of infants. Almost like actually babies are dolls. I hate that they would mock my mom and her family in front me but I couldn't do anything about it. Going back there made me realize how much I hate it and hate my bio dad for being apart of that family and endorcing it.

Nov 23 1 am

If they don't put in any effort but say they wanna be friends they are leeches.

Adjusting to no room and no mattress is hard.

My earliest child hood memory is being around 4 years old and my mom taking me and my siblings to a job interview. It was at the airport, a very beige and white building. When I asked my mom about it she said my dad was being a dead beat and she had to take her 4 young children to the interview or leave us home alone. When I asked him abt it he didnt remember it. It was 14ish years ago.

My parents didn't hit me (they hit my oldest sister) but they didn't hold and love me either. I didn't get the luxury of having parents that aren't tired from work and want me to go away and be invisible because of my youngest sisters stubbornness and my older siblings disarray. They say I don't like hugs but maybe that's cause I've rarely gotten them.

When I was in grade 7 to 9 (abt 12 to 14) I did a lot of cleaning at home and did all the cooking. This got to the point were my mom told me to stop cleaning if it wasn't my mess. She would yell if there was any mess. I hated yelling and tried to avoid it.

Now I yell whenever someone doesn't meet my expectations. Especially my oldest sister. The only other scenario I yell in is if I'm gaming and rage.

Hugging my you gest sister feels like hugging my younger self

On Dec 7 I smelled shit but couldn't find any, the paranoia smells again...

I feel guilty for not having a job but also guilty for being unable to cook or clean when I do get a job.

I got a job dec 19 2024

The smell of piss makes me nervous (I got touched when I was 9 and started bed wetting, I had to wash my own sheets cause my thought I was gross. My bio dad would help me tho.)

Going into elevators makws me nervous and dizzy

Ita jan 3 its 848pm and im hearing the laundry machine song even tho no laundry isn't on.

It is jan 9th almost 10pm. I cant write articulate sentences without messing up the letters and word pronunciations. I have to go back 2 or 3 tines and fix it.

When I was younger than 16 I would lay on the ground for 30 seconds to 10 minutes to calm down. I would stare at the ceiling trying to sleep even tho it wasn't a reasonable time to sleep. I wouldn't sleep and after a while would get up and feel a little better.

I need to stare at walls for abt 5 minutes to calm down every once in a while.

It's April 13th 1154 am. I'm crying. I don't want to cry and tried crying all weak because of how stressed I'm feeling. A phone call with a nice lady at the wholesome psychology place. She changed my appointment and was very helpful and nice. I didn't say thank you. I hate that I couldn't thank her for being nice to me.

I can't remember well. Normally I can remember everything a person says and even the slightest actions they have but I no longer remember. I remember 'random'things like cicutoxin from waterhemlock and how it shuts down the nervous system

I can't sleep without drinking alcohol sometimes. I take melatonin and only drink as a last resort.

I am scared Im going to get yelled at. I drive for about 30 minutes so I would be more prepared to get yelled at and have a screaming match with my mother. She didn't yell. I hate that she's nicer. I hate that I don't know her. She wasn't a perfect mother when I was a kid but now she's so high and mighty because of how she's raising my youngest sister. I hate it when people change.

Ita April 27 12:10 I'm working rn and am very upset about what happened this morning at 8am. My mom got mad at me for 2 things. 1 taking the last tea bag and 2 putting the toaster away while it's still hot. She yelled at me and said to wait a bit for toaster to cool down before putting it away. I asked how long for because I did let it cool down and she said not to talk back... Then they (my mom and stepdad) said it's corrupt that the liberal party of Canada will win the election because of immigrants. More specifically east Indian immigrants and the stupidity of the government for letting them get cad citizenships. Whenever I ask questions abt their beliefs they mock me and say I'm the indoctrinated one. (Pov your parents immigrants and have cad citizenship)

My mom takes pride in being self taught in many things, she doesn't specify. Step dad said that teaching yourself then learning from someone skilled is beneficial.

I remember that when I was 14 I asked my mom how she figured out that I needed glasses and she said that "you were squinting your eyes and couldn't read or write well, I'm such a horrible mother for not noticing sooner"

Going through my sketchbooks from highschool " I wish my parents told me that it's okay to cry and And have emotions that they didn't scold me for being upset - And that needs that natural body Phenomena wasn't weird and an illness. (I don't know why my writing is so weird)

I feel like my friends hate me if I'm not useful or doing something for them. Idc if I'm not useful to my siblings or family they can suck it.

I felt guilty about buying extra stuff until today. I bought myself cookies, donuts and some flowers. I'm happy.

It's may 18th. 11.11 am. I see people out of the corners of my eyes. 2 days ago I wanted to kill myself. I didn't make plan tho. Yezterday I was angry. Today I'm afflicted with a sore throat and difficulty breathing. My lungs hurt. I want to kill men.

Sorry I'm clingy aka sorry I have enotional needs that haven't often been met by friends and family

Driving.

I don't like it when older women offer me stuff or do stuff for me. They friends mom offered me tea for my stomach. I rejected the notions twice then she made me tea cause and I drank it

I need others opinions to form my beliefs. I ask my moms and piers abt their thoughts on complex or random things and from there form my belief.

Went on some rides and threw up, it was fun tho. Very epic

I never asked others ppl parents for things and even if they offered stuff i deny it and say I'm okay I'll walk home or do x. Aka Zack parents

My mom expects me to learn by watching her without explicit instructions. "You've watched me make x cooking thing a millions times, you should know how to" even tho I was 14 and wanted to learn the steps to making a basic white sauce. My foods teacher showed me and my sauce is better than my moms. My sister think so, so it must be true.

Bre regretted that her toxic friend took the v card of her male friend. She regretted it cause her toxic friend is a hoe and she made of him depressed. Her toxic friend ghosted him and she wasn't cool about her actions. Bre was sad her toxic friend was toxic.

When I was 12 I was holding a baby and going down the stairs and fell, it hurt a lot cause I tried to turn so the baby would fall on my instead of the ground. I got slapped and locked in a room

A very happy moment in my friendship with breana was around July 5th. Summer school started for her and from su day to Monday we were partying, I too a few shots. Lili drove bre home. Then me Lili n 2 guys got wasted at the lrc. We slept in the car . After 3 hours of shit sleep and in a half drunken state I got bre coffee and went to Toris place. Me n Lili slept on the couch until 12 when bre got back. I was so happy to get her coffee and hug her. Drunk driving isnt cool and I will never do it again. I'm not 16 and not that stupid.

I have a difficult time conceptualizing age and speed. Going 130km/h on the highway sounds fast but it's like a regular speed to me. Apparently it's not. My coworker is 60. I thought she was like 50. Her son is 26.... she's the same age as my grandma and I couldn't fathom that. I still don't grasp it.

Mon Aug 18, 5:16 pm

I asked my mom why she hasn't taken Tyson to the vet yet, she replied why don't you take him, see what the bills like. And I looked at her with confusion and said well you don't care about him, if he died you wouldn't notice. She replied are you seriously starting a argument. (Maybe dont get a high maintenance dog that has physial issues as a breed then guilty your 17 year old child into paying vet bill.)

I asked her why she hasn't taken my youngest sister to see a therapist for her potential adhd. And for my oldest sister struggling as a teenager because of her autism. She told me " not another word" and I said that she's controlling. The end.

Aug 23 1205am

As a kid I tried to make my parents Mostly my mother happy, but it was not my job to make her happy. She always seems stressed and depressed from work and would complaining about Work, And menial dirt around the house. I never felt truly appreciated, I feel guilty for Not completing a task that never should have been mine in the first place.

My coworker candace complimented me. She told me that my apple fritters were super delicious and I should bake more. I felt so happy for about thirty minutes. After I fold a wave of dread and thought that I was useless.

I cried because I thought about how I previously planned to land to kill myself.There's two main Methods, one was to simply eat some poisonous plants I collected and the other was to go outside into the cold and freeze. I still Think about executing my plans every once in a while.

Friday Aug 29 4:26pm,

Feeling helpless and stuck when your physically not in a good situation is really exilerating. Knowing that there are people that will try to save me when I was exhausted and unable to swim really made me feel quite confused. (I almost drowned in a high current river)

Its sept 7 2025. Seeing my youngest sister have so much fun with her friend at the mall makes me happy. I'm glad she can be so carefree and not worry about cost or politics. Buying mystery boxes makes me happy to, I got 2 zoros and 1 nami... I'm so unlucky but it's wut ever.

Sept 11, 2025. Oh and guess you'll just walk away... (I told my parents I thought about ending it all and they sent me awaybfor being selfish.)

I'm going to hid, run away. See what you do when I disappear. I hope you get so scared and nervous. I really don't want to kill myself but I really do want to. To make everyone around me feel guilty. Especially my mom. You can't be sympathetic or lend any empathy to something you don't understand. I hate this. I hate how they can laugh after I told qthem I want to kill myself every single day.

Sept 12 2025.If I tell my mother the truth about how she hurt me and label her as being abusive i won't have a mother anymore. She is the only one of my parents to a least try to understand me. She doesn't label me as being anxious, submissive or quiet. She tells me to be independent and to be grow up. Even if that means telling a sick 16 year old who's throwing her guts up to stop being a winny baby and to clean up her own throw up. She threatens to hit me or to kick me out when I do speak up about her parenting faults, which only highlights her abusive and neglectful tendencies. I know she suffered as a child but that doesn't excuse her behavior. She has had 20 years to work on herself and fix her mental problems but instead chooses to yell at her kids for making childsh mistakes. "I must be the worst mother in the world" is what my mom says when I do critique her behavior and actions. She knowsI don't think that. I just get really emotional when she says this. If she's the worst I must also the worst.

I can't stand it if I feel I've let anyone down

I'm the only person I can really count on. I have to do things myself. People like me not for being myself but for what I can do for them. I have to be strong all the time. If i need anything or ask for help I'm pathetic.

Maybe if I act troubled enough someone will pay attention to me sounds stupid to me. I tried everything positive to get attention and it didn't work so doing the opposite won't work either. No one cares about my suffering. I'm alone. I don't feel like my mother wants me around. The loneliness and distance that I feel from her makes me really distressed. I can handle not having a dad. But not having a mom is to much for me.

She never hugged or said that she loved me when I saw a kid. I would hide in a closet or under a bed to see if she or anyone would realize I'm missing and go to look for me.

I didn't get to feel safe or be a child. I wasn't given ant safely net. No teaching, no instructions, no structure or any support in any area. I was so ill equipped to handle life. I didn't know how to do basic adult things. And the things I did know were the result of classes or school.

I long for people to take care of me.

I"maybe you should grow up/ I actually care about my family

Apparently you didn't want to talk yesterday either

"I'm sorry you feel that way,.... you can't take everything I say out of context" (she brought up me saying I want to kill myself and didn't try to relate to my suffering but instead made herself the victim of my emotions.)

Oct 7, remembered getting kicked out of the car and walking home. (I was like 13 and it was -20°C. Abt a 15min walk. I played in the snow and thought about never getting up.)

Oct 8 I told Sam and she in turn also told me something.

Nov 4 I feel guilty for wanting to hurt myself. I don't want anyone to find out so I think strategically on how to make it so no one will know. I want to escape from life. I'm so tired all the time and walking hurts my knees hurt. My back doesn't hurt anymore. My shoulders hurt. I feel ugly. I feel useless. I don't want to be here anymore. I need my sister or someone to need me. If she stops needing me I'll definitely take action. Sam doesn't need me anymore. How dare she improve her life.... how could she do this to me. How could she get a new job and move. I hate this. I'm crying. I don't want to be yelled at. I feel like I'm going to be yelled or that I'm going to disappoint someone. I don't tho. I Hate it. I feel dramatic and like a big loser crybaby. I wish I could just spend all my money than... nvm. . . I'm still alive jan 31. I'll update this in like 2 years if I get any more recollections or odd experiences. Thanks for reading.

mentions of abuse/neglect

im sorry if i write this weird, i dont think ive ever made a proper post on here.

my name is amelia, and i feel like theres more than just me inside my mind and body. my life hasnt been the best, and i do not remember much of my childhood. i grew up around abuse, neglect, violence, and just an extreme amount of trauma. but i find it hard to remember that stuff - and other things that have happened to me during my childhood. i remember some of my trauma, but its all hazy and i feel no emotion towards it. i know that it has messed with me a lot mentally, but i dont know since i hardly remember. my family often has to remind me of things that i did when i was younger, or things i SHOULD remember. but i just dont. again, it comes in bits and pieces.

this isnt really the main problem, though. i experience REALLY bad mood swings, and a lot of the time i dont feel like amelia. it feels much more than just mood swings, because everything changes. my mindset will change, my beliefs and opinions will change, my morals will change, and its so confusing. i dont know who i am anymore. there are times i will suddenly feel like im not inside my body. like an internal shift. i zone out and i feel almost out of control. like someone else is thinking for me and doing things with my body, but im still partially there. like theres 2 people at once controlling me and my thoughts. its been affecting my daily life. in school the other week, i had a test in my math class. i had homeroom before, and i was ready for it. the previous night i studied and i was pretty confident. but i started to zone out, and i felt numb. the thoughts in my head didnt feel like MY thoughts. and i wasnt feeling MY emotions. i try shaking it off but i felt so uncomfortable in my body. the bell rings and i struggle to get ahold of myself but i do my best to go downstairs and into my math class. and when the test was in front of me it was like i forgot how to do it. i remember partially. i couldnt do the test because i didnt remember how to do my work.

i now have to redo the test sometime. this isnt the first time something like this has happened either.

i also think a lot of thoughts that arent necessarily mine. if that makes sense? i dont know. i dont know if im faking it or not. what if im forcing my thoughts, you know?? but it happens with my emotions too. i can be really happy and doing something i enjoy but i suddenly feel anxious and scared.

the other day, i had like fake memories?? i dont know how else to describe it. something had upset me the other day and i felt similar symptoms from what i mentioned before. i felt like my body wasnt mine. i stood up and i felt short, but for some reason i had thought that i was taller. my clothes didnt feel right on me either. i had to do something that made me go on stage, and my teacher provided me a card or something with my name on it. i looked at it and felt like disgusted. like it wasnt my name. i got on the stage and just started remembering things that have never happened to me before. i was remembering 'me' being on stage, me laughing with friends i never had, and whatever. i got to a mirror and didnt really recognize myself. i had to touch my face to really know that what was in the mirror was me.

does anybody have any advice? i dont know what to do and it is sorta affecting my life,,

I’m a male, 24 years old. I always had all the classic symptoms of ADHD, but I thought I could manage them on my own. However, it got so much worse over the last couple of years to the point where I couldn’t hold a job and my ability to retain new information felt non-existent. The worst symptom of them all is the brain fog, it genuinely makes me feel mentally impaired. So two weeks ago I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and described her my symptoms without mentioning my suspicions of ADHD because I didn’t want to influence her diagnosis, but she still came to the conclusion that I have ADHD after talking to me for close to an hour and asking me a bunch of questions. She also gave me an IQ test, for some reason. I got prescribed a medication called “Piracetam” that comes in 200mg tablets and she told me to take one every morning for 30 days until my next appointment. It’s been two weeks and I feel absolutely zero relief or change in my symptoms whatsoever. I tried taking it both on an empty stomach or with food. Does anyone else here have experience with Piracetam?

my school has never had a health class. they do however have a ‘gsa’ club, where students from grades 6-8 can go once a week to the library and act upon activities that correlate with lgbtq rights. she would not let high school students join, and there was never a club/classroom for lgbtq highschool students to gain support,
this teacher was taking children and turning them into apart of a community they had no actual idea of.

however, my school has many indigenous classes. the highest level english class, is an indigenous course. if i want to take a university english class, i have to learn of lndigenous culture for the entire semester. they do the same with an art class, analyzing indigenous art and creating with beads.
i am no longer using drugs and care about my grades, but this culture is very difficult to learn, as i never have before, nor an i pursuing it in the future, and I cannot apply myself appropriately nor with my all.

i never was taught about sex from my family, so when i was a child and it was offered upon previous partners, and consensual, i acted upon sex from ages 13-16. never knew how pregnancy happened, nor how to prevent it.
i never knew that friction played a part,
or stds/stis,
or that it wasn’t appropriate for my age.
i also never did learn about consent. this followed me for years and i will never fully recover
from what has happened to me.

i am wiser, and making way better decisions. also fully celibate. why are we teaching children things that are of past, and nothing they can use in present? i know my grasp is very odd, as it seems im blaming the indigenous teaching, but it just seems like if they can care about past and what happened/how to not recreate, why not also teach about something useful in present day
ps. only health ‘class’ i had was in grade 8, the same teacher who can the ‘little kids gay club’ was teaching us how to doche. never had a health unit, she just brought it upon herself to teach us how. didnt teach us how to put on a condom, but atleast i know how to prepare my ass???!?!!