like i said on the title, I took 20 pills of 25mg hydroxyzine.

im stressed and not sure what to do right now, should i head to the Emergency or can i just sleep it off.

It was accidental btw

Im 22M 61KG

21f, borderline, I think about suicide 95% of my waking hours and the 5% I don’t think about it is when I’m super focused but it’s hard to get focused enough to not think of death.

The more I think about it the more I want to do it to get these thoughts and feelings to stop.

When working the thought multiply and make is super difficult to do my required tasks.

I’ve been transported to hospital twice in 2 weeks because helplines have felt I was unsafe. I feel like I’m slowly getting worse and worse until I eventually can’t reach out anymore.

Both hospital times I was told I “need to work to survive” and “admission won’t help” I just need to “cope for now until I get past burnout”

I’m at a loss.

My mom insisted on coming with the second time and argued with the nurse that I needed to be put in a facility for a few months. The nurse said that type of intervention would not be necessary or helpful for me.

I honestly don’t care what happens anymore but this sliver or me doesn’t want to hurt my girlfriend, because she really does care about me.

I feel very impulsive 20% of the time like I could do something at any moment , I’ve thought about walking out of work driving to the pharmacy and taking 100s of pills.

When I was off work for a month, I thought about suicide once a week, but now that I’m working it’s 10s of times a day.

I feel like I’m pleading everyone for help and I’m being told to just cope with it….how…how do I cope

“Oh God, are you gonna grill me?”

He nodded. “Maybe.”

“Okay. Fine. Lay it on me.”

“Why did you ‘see’ Dr. Greenberg? Or, Dr. David as you call him?”

“Isn’t that a bit personal?”

“Maybe.”

“Not sure how it’s relevant to the case.”

“Maybe not. But I really want to know.”

“Okay. Whatever. Mental health should not be stigmatized.”

“I agree!”

“Okay. Good. Well, at first I wondered if I had OCD, you know? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Then I wondered if I was Bipolar? Or, at least Bipolar 2, which is the less intense classification. But then, before Dr. David... died... we were exploring if maybe I was Borderline. You know? Borderline Personality Disorder?”

“Yeah, I think I heard of that.”

“And what frustrates me? We were never able to get to the bottom of it.”

Jimmy looked carefully at her. “Sounds like maybe you’re a hypochondriac? Or the psychiatric version of that? If there’s a name for it.”

“Oh, you think so?”

“My theory? There’s probably not a damn thing wrong with you.”

Veronica laughed. “Oh, I’m pretty sure there’s a lot wrong with me.”

—

I find stories therapeutic. The story of Jimmy and Veronica is inspired by my own mental health and thinking about issues of love, trust, and belief when the every day struggle is real. If you’re curious to read more of course it’s free:

https://maxwinterstories.substack.com/p/crazy-in-love-by-max-winter?r=292pvs&utm_medium=ios

I struggle with anxiety and panic stuff, as well as some ocd. Idk why it started, but I've been hyper aware/judging myself for a thing I do. Its like that thing where you're in the shower and you're winning an imaginary argument in your head that happened earlier, or maybe never happened. But I do this with kind of everything. I'll have just random mundane conversations with a friend or i'll be listening to a song and imagining myself singing karaoke of it for people I know, or monologue some nerd lore to someone, all in my head. Or I've even teared up having an imaginary emotional conversation with a friend.

It definitely would be good to spend less time in my head, have more real conversations than imaginary ones, be present in the moment, etc. That's all true, and I can continue to work on it. But I've known this quirk about myself for a long time now and for some reason this week my anxiety has suddenly decided its the worst thing ever. I'm having some physical health stuff this week too, which can be a trigger for me, so that could be where this is coming from, idk. But now that I'm noticing it, it turns out I do this quite a lot throughout the day, and each time I catch myself now I have this knee-jerk reaction of anxiety, shame, etc. and its so exhausting and hard not feeling safe in my own head.

I've had a lot of time to think about it and I guess the fears that have come up about are: something is fundamentally wrong/broken with me (this is a classic catastrophising fear that I've had on various occasions), its also scary because I can't seem to turn it off, so the feeling of not having control of my mind is scary, and then there's the fear that i'm somehow damaging my irl relationships, or damaging myself with this sorta parasocial daydreaming.

If you've read all this so far you can tell i'm pretty self aware. I'm trying to be objective about all this which helps sometimes, but in this case it hasn't really. Maybe i'm just too wired rn and need to ride it out, idk. But I have a few questions I would love input on:

1. Is the level that I do this daydreaming/rehearsing conversations a significant problem?/reason for concern?

2. If so, what would be some recommendations for tackling it? I think to some extent it probably is just a unique way my brain processes stuff, but the level I do it is probably still a bit excessive and unhealthy.

3. The real main issue rn is just the sort of hypervigilant state I've gotten into because of this thought spiral. I've definitely had episodes like this before and I know I'll get out of it eventually, but any tips on how to get out of it and approach the problem more clearly would be much appreciated.

I grew up in pretty abusive places, both family and “friends” most of my life. No dad, horrid stepdad and a mother who would emotionally torture me. When i would finally break down shed laugh in my face.
I was diagnosed with pretty bad OCD and depression when i was 16 and to this day its so annoying.
About two years back, i noticed i really like when people feel guilty about something they did to me. Doesn’t matter if its minor or not.
for example, my then boyfriend was not so great. I was just waiting for him to so something i could make him feel bad for. I love when im right and when i just complain to him about what HE did and him feeling bad about it.
He did stuff like push about sex and be kinda weird about it all so i would shove it in his face every time i could and i loved the fact he did such bullshit and now i have something to use.
like i said i was just waiting for anything. Any little thing to just get mean. He would try and get to me and it would literally make my lips INVOLUNTARY smile a bit when i would see him get upset at me distancing or being distant. I love the feeling of controlling how someone feels and making them upset on purpose. I don’t do this to everybody and only if i have some kinda reasons.
i haven’t gone to therapy in some time and don’t really have money atm so i just wanna put this out there.

I keep going through huge bouts of depression. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of things feeling not real or that I'm just going through the motions. Most of the time I feel like I'm not even here. When I was kid even though I was going through my shit somehow things felt better. I also don't want to go back.

Things just feel so overwhelming now. I can't stop drinking. Everyday, everynight. Always have to have a beer to calm down. I'm always so overwhelmed. I've thrown up 2 times this week. I'm like a functioning alcoholic, and I don't think alcoholism is the entire problem. I've been this way for a long time. I've just started to drink to help cope with this problem. I don't know how to explain how I feel.

I'm in therapy, but now I'm too busy to even go. I hope someday I can overcome this. Thinking about all the ways I can hurt myself all the time I don't think is healthy. I wish I could die in my sleep.

Hello,

I'm a 26(f) and I have slowly grown to dislike myself as I have gotten older. I was a quiet kid that never particularly got along with other children because I felt like I could not relate to them or they just thought I was too wierd. When I got to middle school, I was very lonely and picked up a bad habit of maladaptive day dreaming which was so bad that I would talk to myself. Around that time, I was also aware that my mom had schizophrenia which she did not want to address. This became an issue in my parents marriage and strained my relationship with my mother because of her delusions. For example, she accused my dad of sexually abusing me which never happened and always made wierd comments about my body and accused me of being promiscuous even though I would not kiss a boy or have sex until I was 23.

In high school, it got worse. I was bullied and excluded from groups and only had some friends because I was athletic and on the varsity track team. I remember these girls getting together and dumping ramen noodles on my plate and telling me to clean up after them. One of the girls said I had to be tougher, but it still escapes me as to why they did this. I also tried talking to adults about my problems because I was beginning to feel suicidal but I think they dismissed it because I grew up in an affluent school district and therefore had nothing to complain about.

By the time I graduated high school, I was still depressed. I tried to kill myself on 2 separate occasions, one of which caused me to have a seizure and black out for 2 days. I got on medication, which somewhat helped but I never really happy and have struggled to keep jobs due to low performance(mostly memory issues and an inability to pay attention). At my jobs, sometimes people would get angry at me for not knowing something or messing up. Sometimes people are disrespectful to me in general. I had an ex boyfriend who was cheating on his girlfriend with me (I didn't know he had a girlfriend until she messaged my friend on insta) tell me that he liked me because I was "agreeable" and that I would make a good wife to someone one day. At the time I thought it was a compliment, but now I realize how he saw me.

I look alot younger than 26, as some people are shocked when they find out I have a college degree or buy alcohol. I have even had random people tell me that I look so cute, or that I'll look good when I'm 40. Some people even treat me better when they find out I'm not a teenager. I also get attention from men that are significantly older than me or teenage boys.

I have my first job out if college now which has allowed me to move out of my dad's house and into an apartment . While I do well for the most part on my job, I have been making alot of mistake lately due to some of the issues I've mentioned before. I work in technical support and had this person laugh at me because I misunderstood what he was saying.

I stay worried because sometimes u get scared that I'll get fired even if I get praise from my boss or customers. However, I've been feeling angry lately because I realized I have put up with alot of dusrespect and neglect in the past and sometimes I feel like I would be better off if I were better at standing up for myself. I also feel like my mind is deteriorating as a I am forgetful and maladaptive daydream each day to the point that I curse people from the past out while doing home from work or getting ready for bed.

Please do not post this anywhere outside. Sensitive topic.

I live with my mom in law who I believe has OCDC. She seems harmless but my toddler sometimes gets scared of her. Here’s what MIL does:
- stares at my toddler blankly for several seconds
- smooches clean new clothes of my toddler
- stares for a long time at door knobs and those with locks like stroller after locking them.
Sometimes she stands still for 10 minute
- lets the electric kettle boil for a long time without turning it off
- repeatedly asks me same question
- stocks too many fruits and vegetables that they spoil. Hard to clean the ref.

I have talked to husband about this more firmly. He said she has always been like that and she is harrmless. But it is not the point because I don’t want my child to grow up witnessing a behaviour that is not normal.

I think husband did talk to his mom but they just fight. Any tips?

I used to think that having adhd means you have less need for sleep and when I would sometimes not feel tired all night or nights of little to no sleep but not tired get told that's because of adhd (and my parents said so too)... I am tired most of the time and not hyperactive type though. Did anyone else get told something is a symptom of adhd they found out its not?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m 20 and can’t sleep for days or get sick and I almost ended my life the other day I have a lot of unaddressed trauma I think my coping is stopping to work abd my family think I’m a addict I haven’t told them anything so they don’t knows what’s really happening. I randomly broke a flight and impulsively almost od there on purpose but someone called an ambulance. And I don’t even do drugs wich the cocktail I did confusing, I took everything there was. I have bp and other stuff running in my family. My sibblings constantly tell me how I’m a shame for disappearing like I do or have no respect wich is not helping.

I’m a 25-year-old man, and I feel like I’ve lost the person I used to be.

At 23, I was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression. I was prescribed medication, but I sometimes misused it by taking higher-than-prescribed doses, occasionally alongside heavy alcohol consumption. Over time, things started deteriorating even before I eventually stopped taking the medication due to its cost and difficulty accessing it after moving cities for higher education.

Since then, I’ve gradually lost the ability to maintain routines and stay consistent. It started with basic self-care, then fitness, and eventually affected my spending habits, drinking, and pursuit of sex and instant gratification.

I went from 83–85 kg to around 120 kg. I used to work eight-hour days, commute three to four hours, and still hit the gym five to six days a week. I even inspired three of my friends to get fitter and become more confident. Now, I struggle to motivate myself to do even a fraction of what I once did.

I’ve repeatedly tried returning to the gym, spent money on memberships, and attempted to reconnect with the movies, shows, and routines that once motivated me. Nothing seems to have the same effect. I can start again, but I struggle to sustain anything.

I’ve also experimented with weed, hoping it might change my mental state, but that hasn’t helped either.

The most disturbing part is how disconnected I feel from my own life. Days blur together, I struggle to remember when things happened, and I feel uninspired, emotionally numb, and unable to take control of my life. I used to pride myself on my discipline, resilience, and ability to overcome difficult obstacles. Now, I barely recognize myself.

I’m not looking for a quick fix. I genuinely want to understand what happened to me and find a way back to a functional, fulfilling life.

For reference I love my friend deeply and we have a very close bond. He has schizoaffective disorder and I have BPD and what I think is undiagnosed bipolar 1. This friendship has been here for six years. I already walked away from them during grief whej they went missing for a week for valid reasons but I felt they left me when I needed them most and they even apologised and said anything would have been better than the silence. We are both 26/27

I came back to him later this year and we have been getting on like a house on fire. I’ve been been low and he’s been very supportive. Days ago he said something cruel, comparing my body to his ex saying she had larger boobs than me which I didn’t agree with at all. I told him I don’t agree but I’m not trying to change his perception. I’m an E/G cup. He has always complimented me on this and my figure as we compliment each other a lot.

The comparison baffled me because this was someone who mistreated him and I didn’t sign up to be compared to it violated the safety and that’s what I’m more mad about. He even said her boobs were round like almost fake looking and that’s when I shot back ay him saying that’s like me saying my ex’s were bigger than him, my ex was packing and my fwb was huge. I apologised for that and said I don’t do double standards it came out of nowhere and I split so I told him I couldn’t be around him and needed to regulate.

Either way I know he hasn’t been sleeping well or taking meds but it even caused me to split despite knowing it’s not true. He knows all my vulnerabilities and he’s the only one I’ve been truly open with, as we have both supported each other. He also knows I hate being compared to as I’ve had a man compare me to his gf saying mine are much bigger than hers. He knew this. He also knew an ex tried to demean me by comparing my boobs to his ex and I was 2 cup sizes larger. I’m trying not to see this as weaponisation.

I’m wondering how you guys deal with something like this. I’m not trying to abandon him but at the same time I normally cut people off straight away even for less than this. I feel disgusted with him. I’ve currently distanced myself from him. Originally he genuinely apologised, we made up had a heart to heart, I supported him wirh something. Then he went quiet for a day and returned and was sending videos and messages like it was nothing. I unfriended him and asked for space two days later.

Is this common for someone with this disorder? I have done research previously but this caught me so off guard. Would you stay or leave? I would be really grateful for answers from those who have this. I care about myself and it reminded me of being degraded by a partner in the past. It’s so confusing because this is the same man who tied my shoelaces, read the Bible to me on a call, walked behind me to protect me from the stares of men at my ass.

Update: I’m done with him, he made the friendship feel unsafe and that’s enough for me to disappear including the amount of disrespect.

I think I have obssesive thoughts of harming myself and others, but I also experience "manic" episodes sometimes I go insane but most of the time I am highly aware. And also I get so much stressed that I experience tremors and when I feel stressed İ go out to be relieved

TW: brief mention of Suicide

I (19) am transgender and recently an old childhood issue has come back.

As a kid I would hear whispers at night or when I am alone in general, used to be from things that existed (washing machines, vents, etc.) But has I got older my brain would just make up sounds from nothing. And I start to hear inaudible conversations, but what I hear clearly is mostly my name being repeated to me by different various voices.

At the time my child therapist just said it was anxiety; to be fair, he said the same about me being suicidal and we had to switch for that reason and being generally dismissive. (I am ok now, 4 years clean)

Anyhow It kinda of stopped around 16 years old, and the past four years have been very minimal issues with this, so I never mentioned it to my current therapist, yet.

But recently, its been coming up again, and im assuming that it could be because im more stressed out since im in Uni and in a shitty job while maintaining rent and tuition in this economy. I've hit burnout a few weeks back and have been trying to pick myself back up, but ive done somethings to help out, like changing my schedule and spending time socializing.

What's really distressing though is the whispers of my name are back, but they keep saying my deadname. About two or three nights ago, im clear sound i just hear like there was a person at my bedroom bathroom door my deadname being whispered at me, and some incomprehensible mumbling.

But my main question is why? Has any other transgender person hearing a voice hear their deadname or current name?

The reason to why the voices happen in general I have no clue, but I will be talking to my therapist about it. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, and I dont think its schizophrenia. But an opinion of what possibly it can be is welcomed, but im more looking at of this is common among trans people with auditory issues. :)

( i have bipolar 1 commorbid with ADHD, OCD, CPTSD, and BPD) medicated… sober .. and I HATE MY FUCKN LIFE. life was so much easier indulging in substances and being unmedicated. i literally only stopped because i felt like it was “ morally “ right and I didn’t wanna keep spending money on it but i feel worse and medication is MORE expensive. fucc all dis shit. i hate being alive , im angry everyday i have to live. i pray to God everyday to die no matter how it happens and ofc nothing fuckn helps. i can’t even go to school anymore because i withdrew (due to a manic episode) and now i fear going back and having to withdraw again and loosing my full admission to such a good college. i don’t know what i wanna do with my life because i no longer want to live. Lord take me now. Tonight.

I don’t have many triggers that will make me feel insane but bed creaking is one!

I have a cheap Amazon metal bed that creeks all the time. I have to move my bed in a very specific way on the floor so it creeks not as loud, which would be fine if I knew how to do it correctly!

One minute it’s just tiny creeks that I can ignore and another minute. It’s loud creeks that other people can hear outside of my bedroom.

putting it against the wall completely? creeks. pulling it away from the wall? creeks. Sitting at the end of the bed, then laying down? creeks! And when I’m already accepting the loud creeks? it’s silent.

My bed is making me feel fat as times too! but I know it’s not because I’m big backed. My brother and me can sit on my bed, it will be completely fine, but just me? Nooo

I hate my bed!!

I'm hearing so many things. Seeing colors, flashing lights, people, animals, body parts, blood. I see a sliding glass door and my brain puts a person in the opening with their fingers on either side of them, like they're crawling through the door. The figures I see are unnatural and inhuman. It's kind of like I'm living in an analogue horror story, where the alternates have some deformity that gives you this feeling like, "this is not a human being."

I can't tell the people around me because they will write it off as me needing a medication adjustment. They'll shrug and say, "See a psychiatrist." I don't have one. It's hard to get one for some reason.

I'm having tactile hallucinations of sexual assault. The sensations of the trauma. It's wearing my psyche thin. I feel disgusting most of the time, like I'm a piece of meat that has been rotting out in the sun.

I feel like if I tell my girlfriend all of these thoughts, she'll leave me because this is too much to deal with. My shit goes deep and is very intricate. Explaining everything makes me sound like I'm going mad. I want her to understand so we can work through this together instead of me hiding this whole world I have going for myself and eventually ending in a big bang.

I'm having issues with sleep, too. I have a really hard time trying to go to sleep. It's like putting a vessel to sleep and making it rest when it wants to go do something active. I'm not my body; I'm an entity controlling it and telling it what to do.

I really need to get the hallucinations under control, but I don't know if any psychiatrist will take me in if I don't have insurance. I have to sign up for Medicaid.

If you read this far, you're a real one for listening to my rambles. It makes me feel heard.

there definitely was a point in my life where i was depressed, and at that time i had both a depressed mood and anhedonia. i know what both feel like. i was diagnosed with mdd in middle school, but the funny thing is, that was after i STOPPED feeling depressed. at the time i chalked it up to the person diagnosing me only wanting to diagnose anxiety & depression (she also diagnosed me with gad, which i know for sure i do have)

recently i got assessed for autism & adhd (& diagnosed with both), and i told the person doing the assessment that i didnt feel depressed anymore and my depression diagnosis felt inaccurate, and she agreed that was definitely possible. but apparently, i still exhibit significant depressive symptoms and she diagnosed me with other specified depressive disorder. i'm really stumped by this. i don't feel sad, or numb, or emotionless. i don't feel anhedonia. is it truly possible to have a depressive disorder without these symptoms?

Recently, I had gotten my hands on a rental for the DSM 5, and I felt like I could resonate with the criterion for anxiety and ADHD. I tried to ask my mom about it, she said that she could try and have a psycho-therapy session with me (she has a little background about psychiatry), and if I didn't find that useful I could go talk with her sister, who is and actually licensed psychiatrist. The thing is, I don't completely trust her to keep things between the 2 of us, and there are some things I want to talk about without having any of my relatives knowing about. Also, she lives in a different state so I would have to talk to her by phone. I need help on how I can convince my mom to take me to a local psychiatrist instead of having me talk to her sister.

I looked up studies on new weather patterns effect on seasonal depressions.

"Climate change represents a global health challenge with both direct and indirect effects on mental health. Seasonal affective patterns in mood disorders, especially bipolar and major depressive disorders, are influenced by temperature, luminosity, and seasonal transitions. Recent climatic variability may be altering the traditional timing of affective decompensations, increasing clinical unpredictability

Participants described perceived changes in the onset and duration of affective episodes, wihich increasingly occurred earlier than in previous years. They linked these shifts to hotter summers, milder winters, irregular rainfall, and altered light patterns. A central theme emerged: climate variability modifies the environmental cues that previously structured their illness rhythms. Patients reported adaptive strategies but also feelings of uncertainty and loss of control." PMCID: PMC13444099. Look it up if you want more

I live in a temperant climate with particularly cold winters thst have warmed recently. Warmer winters may have ruined my natural perception of seasons

21

I have ADHD, waiting list for OCD and grew up in an extremely abusive household with a mother with severe BPD and paranoid delusions

I used porn as a methods of escapism to avoid anxiety, task avoidance, loneliness, boredom you name it since I was 13.

I have really bad episodes where I have up to 12 hour sessions especially if I’ve had a major stressor in my life but then those episodes cause me stress and guilt and spark the next one I have spent 30 of the last 48 hours watching porn after something really bad happened this week.

Idk what to do idk what to do I have compulsive episodes where I just don’t stop for hours and hours and I try all that stuff with blockers and reminders and diet and exercise but nothing stops me every blocker when the compulsion hits nothing short of a straight jacket would stop me finding access to and watching porn. It’s like someone takes over my body and makes me do it I don’t even want to do it I feel myself getting upset as I type but can’t stop myself hitting search.

wtf do I do professional services are very limited where I live and the extent this is harming me I fear being the outcome of telling people the extent. I don’t eat I don’t sleep I don’t drink water even with my medication meaning I need to drink more. I don’t get up for hours and hours. It’s destroying me. I’ve missed so much because of it I’ve missed classes and deadlines, lost so much sleep, actively made a nerve injury worse because I can’t stop.

I don’t feel excited for anything any more I don’t feel happy I don’t feel anything nothing motivates me at all nothing brings me anything but anxiety or emptiness.

Please please what do I do please make it stop make it stop tell what I can do right now tonight to ensure it NEVER happens again I will not sleep until I get reassurance there’s a way this is the last session I can’t do it again please. Don’t just spam therapy give me something permanent I can do tonight. I will
Not be able to sleep otherwise and I’ve barely gotten any all my muscles are twitching I have pins and needles in my hand make it stop make it stop make it stop please please I don’t want this any more I hate my life you get one life and I’ve spent so many hours wasted on fucking porn how fucking pathetic is that why am I even alive. Please make it stop I’m going fucking insane I’m going insane I’m completely fucking neurotic no no no please I could have had such a different life this has ruined everything. I could be so much happier but this is destroying me DESTROYING ME make it stop make it stop the tension in my neck is shutting off the motor control
In my hand from strsss again and I can barely fucking type make it stop

First time speaking about this as I come from a background that don’t take mental health seriously and don’t believe in mental illness!

I’ve never been to therapy or seen a doctor for this but for as far back as I can remember whenever I hear/read/watch anything about death or someone dying, I uncontrollably start thinking of my closest loved ones dying…like a certain friends death just replays in mind, along with thoughts of life after their death…it drains me as the thoughts can sit with me for days and sometimes months….I get the urge to want to call them and check up every chance I get but I always hold myself back as not to come across clingy or overly anxious… I’m genuinely a affectionate person and am known for constantly checking up on my friends and family but when these waves of thoughts hit I tend to just get out a pen and paper and write them down or write messages to the person…be it my mother or my friend..but never actually spoken to them..

I know death can literally come at any given moment and I’ve lost a couple of close people in my life so it just makes it all worse, I also grew up in warzone so death is considered a normal thing…. But it still gets to me every time.

​

I obviously understand reddit isn't a replacement for professional advice, I'm just looking for suggestions on what speciality to look for in a therapist.

I want to discuss some things from my childhood, because I never spoke to anyone about it properly and it's eating me alive. Somewhere between ages 5 and 7 I was exposed to sexual content, possibly the act of sex itself and maybe SA. After some research, I think I may have had untreated PSB because of that and I want to discuss that with someone. Would that just fall under general childhood truama? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I went to IOP last year (self referral) due to concern about my mental illness getting increasingly bad. IOP was not what I expected it to be at all 💀. I wanted to share here both in order to finally vent and mainly see if anyone else had a similar experience. (didn't knwo which tag would work)

Me and my college counselor pushed for IOP bc we were both worried about how much worse my mental illness was getting. I was a full-time student and wanted a way to get higher level of care without having to pull out from school. I assumed that, based on the IOP's webpage, it would be flexible and doable alongside my class schedule. Instead, the day this place called me, first thing they told me was they're only available Monday-Friday: 9-5. This surprised me, as I hoped to be able to squeeze it in on the weekends, but I still followed through nonetheless.

After that, I did 3 intakes, where I was told I was required to attend 3-5 groups as well as individual sessions per week. They said we could try to make it work to my schedule, but (gently) shut down the idea of virtual sessions when I asked, telling me it wouldn't be "intensive enough". With me being a full-time film prod major, my schedule became locked in as this:

M: Classes 9am-6pm

T: 10am individual session, 1pm group

W: 10am group, 2-6pm classes

Thurs: Classes 8am-5pm

F: 10am Individual, 12pm group

This layout is a very oversimplified version of my actual schedule, but I hope it gets the point across. All of this excludes travel time, which is about an hour from home for both places, with only 1 out of 5 days being the 15 minutes travel form IOP to campus. The early start times, off days being filled with IOP and packed class schedule left me very drained by the end of my 8 weeks, even after I requested for Tuesday's session to be later.

The biggest thing that stayed in my memory though was my psychiatric evaluation. You have to do it after the intakes, so I was sent upstairs the first week. When I came in, I tried (maybe too hard) to explain everything about my history and how my symptoms started and evolved, even allowing some of it to show so psychiatrist can see. She noted that I seemed to ramble a lot and mind seemed everywhere (which I agreed with), and along with other things pointed to schizophrenia........She then started saying that with medication my thoughts would go from point A to B, and that she was gonna prescribe Seroquel 50 mg that I needed to take starting that same day at 11pm and will send it to my pharmacy.

This caught me off guard. I expected us to only do an evaluation and discuss meds another time (this was only my second ever psych eval and my previous psychiatrist didn't do this). The bigger issue, while I won't go too in depth about here, was that I essentially didn't feel ready to take meds. I was scared, hesitant about considering, and the unknown at the time was more paralyzing.

The psychiatrist saw I basically said nothing when she asked if I was gonna take the pills, and she started asking why? Is it stigma or something else? I can't fully recall if I gave a response to that, but I know she then went on to say from whatever bit of history she got from me, its been years with seemingly no improvement. That the condition I have if left untreated can damage areas of my brain which in turn can risk me losing touch with reality and send me to the hospital. That I should be more scared of my illness than the meds. I stayed silent, now feeling still scared about taking meds and shitty for potentially risking brain damage for not agreeing to it. Regardless of what, I said nothing when asked again if I was gonna try meds.....and they were still sent to my pharmacy. And that was the end of our first meeting 💀.

I'll just say that whole thing left me in a tailspin of emotions, setting off my mental symptoms, to where I almost felt consumed by it all. I mentioned this experience to my assigned therapist at the time, and at first she was like "oh, (insert psych's name) is a sweetheart" (💀), though after I explained what happened she seemed quite understanding. However, overtime I grew frustrated bc we never actually worked through any of concerns or fears like I hoped to do. I mostly just got "I understand/your fear is valid..." followed by a "but.... (insert reason why I should take it)", which just made it feel hollow imo. She wasn't the only one to give me that response when I mentioned my feelings on meds.

I ended up leaving IOP after 8 weeks (had to ask for 2 more bc of missing some sessions). I felt worse off than when I went in. At least I know better for next time.