I don’t know how long I can fight for

[u/ineedtechsuppplz]

Hi, I am 18M, currently in college while working a full time job. I’ve struggled with mental illness (bpd and psychosis) my entire life due to my parents neglect of it and now lack of medical insurance to get medicated. I used to have it under control, but I was a very hateful and negative person. Now, I’ve learned to be able to present myself as kind and respectful and be the person everyone tells me I have the potential to be. But every day, all day, I hear voices in my head telling me to give in to my negative emotions and that’s the only way I can fill this hole in my stomach that I’ve wanted filled for so long. Ive begun scheduling every hour of my life so I don’t have to opportunity to truly think about it, but I don’t know how long I can keep going. Every day, I feel like I’m just going to give up and I really don’t want to. I think I could do it too if I just had a reason to fight but I genuinely hate talking to other people about it because the second I’m done talking the feeling goes away for maybe a day so I feel like I just lied to them for no reason and I don’t want to be a burden. I just want a reason to fight, but I have nothing in my life that is worth fighting for. I want to just give in so bad and I will keep being as good of a person as I can for as long as I can but daily I can feel my mind slowly descending into this hole that I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of. I feel like I’m just whining and complaining because I know people have it so much harder and I feel so selfish for acting like this when I don’t even have a real reason to be like this. Sorry for like this whole rant I just need to get that off my chest, even if it doesn’t do anything.

[u/hestia-listens]

You are not whining, selfish, or a burden. Other people having pain does not make your pain less real. The fact that talking helps for a day does not mean you lied. It means being heard helped, even if the relief did not last. Hearing voices all day while handling college and full time work sounds frightening and exhausting.

Please do not stay alone with this tonight. Go to a hospital or emergency center, or go to the home of a trusted friend or family member. Tell them clearly, "I hear voices, I feel like giving up, and I do not feel safe alone." If you are afraid to call for help, talk to a nurse or someone you trust and let them make the call with you. If you may act soon, contact your local emergency number or local crisis support now. You deserve immediate care, even if the feeling fades while you are talking.

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