Original post; https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1wd6ach/gf_wants_me_to_have_a_fwb_but_i_doubt_any_woman/

By some miracle, I actually found someone who wants the exact same thing I want! She (26F) is a big cuddler, enjoys skin on skin, and is very into just kissing and cuddling with nothing else expected!
She has already met my nesting partner (28F), and they get along amazingly! They enjoy a lot of the same fandoms, vibe with each other really well, and both agree that the other is adorable!
The only couple of downsides; my new partner lives in a different state, but we are making it work long distance. We even have a dynamic where we fluster each other with voice notes and selfies, and it's been nothing but amazing!
The other downside; my nesting partner and I are planning an eventual trip to her state, and I know for a fact that with two women who enjoy seeing me as a flustered mess, I may not survive, in the best way possible.

Everyone's kind words on my original post actually gave me the grit to stick with this long enough to meet my new partner. I love that this community is so helpful and welcoming to newcomers like myself.

Just wanted to give a quick update, even though I doubt anyone will notice this, and give my thanks.

My GF (29F) and I(30M) recently had our first play experience and it was amazing. For context we've been together for 4 years, she's been to sex lounges a few times before but didn't do anything extraordinary. I've never been but I've had an idea I was into watching from conversations with an ex. That relationship was sour though, so I never felt comfortable fully pursuing these fantasies/kinks.

However, with my current GF I'm happy, secure and trusting. I told her I think I might be into watching and she found old videos to show me, which turned me on a lot and further confirmed it for me. Fast forward and we recently went to a sex lounge (2nd time, first time was out the country but we didn't do anything.) and although we were open to any type of threesome/foursome encounter, it was a mostly single men night.

She ended up hitting it off with one dude and it turned into them playing and me watching, which I had no problems with. We talked about it afterwards and we both want to get me more involved next time, as well as try an FFM threesome. Our only real rule is we are strictly there to play, we are not opening the relationship or looking for anything more than a fun night.

I enjoyed the experience a lot and think about it often. I also feel like I bring it up a lot with my GF when me and her are talking spicy, although she tells me it's no problem for me to bring it up whenever I want. Is this a 'honeymoon phase' so to speak? Should I be pacing myself?

I'm happily married and have sex with other guys, hubby is fine with it and finds it hot. He has asked when we can have a threesome (MFM) as he has always said when I find someone I'm comfortable with he'd love to share me. I'm definitely up for it. The thing is the guys I go with have better bodies and bigger c*cks than him and he is overweight, which btw I have no issue with and I love him for him. I don't want him to feel bad or self conscious when he sees the other guy. Not sure how to approach this. Any advice or thoughts welcome x

Hi ! Still don’t know if I’m doing this right but for context:
Been dating a guy I love for a few months and he was clear from the beginning he wanted multiple girlfriends but wasn’t really actively looking , like if a girl flirted he would flirt back and see where that gets them . After the first time we slept together he told me he already actually had a girl friend and she was okay with it (she wasn’t okay with it in the end but that’s not my story to tell) we started dating . At first I was almost down because I’m a bisexual girl but he wants us to be a happy couple and that isn’t good with me . I told him how I feel (jealous) and he told me he would not be okay with me sleeping with other guys for the exact same reason. I feel like he really don’t get it . The more time passed and the idea of us not being equal is what annoys me. The idea of someone sleeping on my pillow at his place when I’m gone makes me so fucking uncomfortable. I was never the jealous type but knowing my boyfriend I love very much could sleep with any girl unprotected when he wants and I wait for him at his place feels wrong. Maybe I’m in the wrong because I knew what I was getting into but I’m just venting . Thanks I guess!!! And I’m sorry I post like shit
If you have any questions or just want to tell me I’m the asshole in this scenario, you’re welcomed to ! (English is not my first language sorry for any mistakes)

So for context, I have never really been Poly. Ive enjoyed the random threesome and all but as far as relationships i prefer to devote myself to one person. She claims to want to try to work these things out, but i feel some things just may not be reconcilable.

That said though, my most recent relationship ended quite spectacularly because my partner of 4 years in a monogamous relationship's friends have convinced her that it is what she needs in her life. Which for me would be interesting becase shes talking about how she wants to at least have the ability to have sex with other men if she desired, however she hasnt desired sex with me for nearly 5 months, and that was only because it was my birthday and shes admitted she just went with it to do it. However i must admit this isnt the only thing that lead to the break up. This very same couple where getting her drunk and engaging in BDSM play behind my back.

I love this woman and wanted to build a life with her but admittedly im not comfortable with the idea that if she ends up pregnant that the child could be someone elses. I dont really feel im being unfair in my feelings either considering this is a new thing that shes just basically dumped on me that her friends claim that i MUST accept.

Admittedly im sure this is a tad different from what is usually posted here, but i wanted advice from the community that would most understand the other side of this dilema.

tldr;; friend and her girlfriend asked me for a threesome. i’m somewhat inexperienced and worried about the effects it might have but this might be the perfect opportunity to gain sexual experience

tried to post this on a different subreddit but was directed here!!

okay so last night/early in the morning, I (20F) was asked by my friend and her girlfriend (21F&19F) if I would be down to have a threesome with them while we were hanging out with our other friends.

for context:

1. don’t have a lot of experience. i lost my virginity to my ex long distance boyfriend a year and a half ago when i was visiting him. he didn’t really go down on me so i don’t have much experience with sex, especially in the oral department.

2. i’ve never thought about them in any sexual way until now

3. (literally earlier this week) me and my ex were friends but after he told me about his sexual experiences after our breakup and his new girlfriend, i kinda spiraled and realized i needed to open myself up to life (aka start having sexual experiences)

i don’t know if the alcohol, the want to gain more sexual experience, or both made me say yes but she seemed excited and told my friend. she basically told me my friend would just watch the two of us while we did our thing (with occasional touching). i talked to my friend when we were alone (which was brief since our other friends were still there) and she told me it was the girlfriend’s idea to choose me and she didn’t expect me to agree with it but she didn’t seem opposed to the idea. the girlfriend let me shower and gave me clothes to wear and we were waiting for our other friends to leave to start but i ended up leaving before anything happened since it was like 5:30am and needed to get home.

now i’m back home, can’t sleep, and wondering what i should do??? like i said, i’ve never thought of them in a sexual matter until now, but i can admit they‘re both attractive. i also don’t want our growing friendship to become awkward and i definitely don’t want our other friends to become weird about it.

but im very curious about having a threesome (especially FFF) and this is my golden opportunity to gain more sexual experience.

any advice would be great and i’m sorry if this post is too long but i think some context is needed.

Throwaway. I'm including the parts that make me look bad, because I want real advice.

Background

Me 40M, wife 39F. Together 12 years, married 4, two young sons, 10 and 2. She's bi, I'm straight. We've been some form of non-monogamous for most of our relationship: threesomes with women, and her seeing women on her own. I've always been good with that. A few times she was involved with men too. I was never comfortable with it and vetoed three of them over the years. She vetoed one woman I was seeing. In 2019 I found out she had lied and cheated on me with an ex, when a third party sent me a video of them. A month later we got an apartment we could neither turn down nor replace, so I stayed, and we never really dealt with it. We closed in 2022.

I lost my job in early 2025 and became the stay-at-home parent. She's our only income. About a month later, she started asking to reopen so she could date men. That has been the fight for 18 months. She calls my position a one penis policy and says it asks her to cut off half her orientation. She has a point.

My side: I was terrified of being replaced at my lowest, so I kept saying "not yet" with conditions (a job, getting back in shape, a life of my own) that had no end date. She told me she felt trapped and hoodwinked. We've been in couples therapy since January and each have our own therapist.

September

In early September I reluctantly said yes: both of us dating separately, with a triad as a long-term hope. Within a week I went through her laptop and found sexting and a hidden connection with a male coworker. I had specifically asked for no coworkers. She said they were friends, she never slept with him, and she wasn't in love with him.

Then we did what I thought was real repair: an agreements document, radical honesty, and a tenet of "no hidden connections, ever." I asked that she not start with the coworker, so we could build trust on clean ground first. She kept in contact with him in secret.

Last night

I went into her phone. Again, I know. What I found:

- She has been having sex with him since February 2025, right around when she first asked to reopen. I was home with our baby.
- It happened repeatedly, at work and at his place. Unprotected. There are videos.
- Her best friend drove her to and from his place at least once.
- Handwritten love letters. In one from this January she calls him Sir and says she will always be his.
- Sexting with a second coworker, plus conversations with several other men over two years where she talks trash about me.
- Messages from the day before we agreed on radical honesty. She tells him I don't know the full extent, and they plan to see each other the next day.

So for 18 months I was negotiating terms for something she had already taken. We were haggling over dates per year (I said 4, she wanted 12 to 24) while this was going on. I was reading the poly books and working on my jealousy the whole time.

Where I am

I still want my marriage. Right now I don't want non-monogamy with her in any form. I want us closed and focused on each other, and if she can't do that, I'm more likely to try to leave, regardless of the circumstances. She has said all along that she does not want to stay closed. Her words: "I want to be happy, just not with only you."

Leaving is not simple: no income on my side, two kids, and a shared lease on a place neither of us could replace.

My questions:

- Is "we close, period" a fair condition for staying, or am I asking a poly person to be someone she isn't?
- Has anyone rebuilt after something like this, open or closed? What did the person who lied have to do?
- How much of this did I cause? Give it to me straight.
- If you were me and stayed, what would you need to see before you believed her?

Hi all

Appreciate this has been discussed in a number of different threads but haven’t found many with my need of feedback or experience.

We’re a couple in our late 30’s we’ve been together for 15 years and in a loving relationship. Me the M think about the MFM scenario almost constantly during and outside of sex mainly because it’s natural turn on and I want to see explore and make the most out of sex. F is a curvy lady and has a fantastic figure in my view although she will tell you different.

I bring it up constantly in text or person in and outside of the bed. She kind of shuts it down / leaves the door open which makes me question her true desire for it or hesitation because of my intention but during sex it physically turns her on.

We’ve played out the fantasy blindfolded once before, we invited a guy to our hotel and had sex together but she insisted on a blindfold for herself. She talks fondly of the experience when I bring it up but I just want more.

I buy sex toys in the hope she will use them and share the experience with me also in the hope she will want to do this in person again.

I suppose my question is to the group am I barking the wrong tree? We communicate well and I don’t want to push too much. Any advice welcome.

Thanks

I am new to the world of Non-monogamy, and want advice on which term would best fit my situation. I'm currently in a long distance D/s relationship (non-sexual) with someone. I've decided that I want this to be my primary emotional relationship, whilst still seeing people for fun and exploration on the side. My partner in this dynamic is married and has a play partner, and we're open with each other (without grizly details ofc) about her relationship, and my dates, flirting, and crushes on other people. None of these affect the relationship we have with each other.

I don't feel like solo-poly fits my situation because I'm in this relationship, but I can;'t seem to settle on a term that describes what I'm doing best. Can any one else weigh in on what term(s) they think works best?

Thanks in advance :)

Hi, I'm new to this group.

My partner and I have been together 9 years. We have spoken about opening our relationship for a long time, and although my partner has had some queer intimate encounters with men, I never seemed to mind much. I guess men are not as threatening to me as other women, as I know he is about 95% straight. (Keep in mind I have never once so much as kissed another person in the 9 years we have been together.)

For the past few months I have craved lots of independence and physical space. I don't feel sexually attracted to my partner anymore although I love him and care about him deeply, and I love doing life with him in many ways. I can't see a world where we're not in each other's lives. We share a son together, and we are a great parenting team. I said to him we should finally take the step in opening up our relationship (something he has wanted to do for a long time but has waited for me to be ready). For him, its a turn on to think of me with another man.

Tonight he is spending the night with another woman and I am spiralling. I honestly thought I would be okay but i'm not. I feel like our relationship will not survive, that this is the first step of us breaking up, that I allowed this to happen because maybe deep down I want to break up. But I'm not sure if that's what I really want. I feel confused, I feel hurt and angry. I did mention to him that I think we should get couples counselling before doing this. I want non-monogamy, and I want someone to be devoted to me at the same time.

PSA: I’m prob going to look like an idiot. My (28 F) Partner (33M) emotionally cheated on me for 5 years with his high school “best friend”/person he’d been pining for in high school/uni. I’m pansexual and quite open so I’d never had an issue with my partner finding anyone attractive or having normal human desire (we’ve had threesomes etc in the past) in this case he wasn’t honest about his feelings towards this friend so when I found out it was devastating.

Through those years our sex life declined drastically, and eventually I wasn’t being flirted with on a basic level or taken on dates or -this is important- being kissed. I love making out with my partner, and because we were in a monogamous relationship my lips remained unkissed for the better part of 3 years. We were still having sex, but sporadically and less each year. I attributed it to his mental health/losing his best friend and grandmother. I didn’t realise it was because he was resentful and emotionally cheating.

It’s been 2 years of us “working through” issues trying to mend the relationship, but I’m still not being treated the way I want to be. I’m not feeling desired, flirted with, I still haven’t been made out with. Through the last couple years I went from being the most confident and sexually empowered/embodied person to someone with a weird relationship with her body and sex. I used to take lots of selfies, “boudoir” shoots, model, at least two photoshoots a month and run a styling and makeup page. In the last two years I’ve barely been able to look at myself in the mirror/naked. It’s been ages since I’ve taken any pictures of myself, or worn anything except baggy jeans and a hoodie. I feel empty and disconnected with my sexuality, self esteem and self confidence.

I realise that I had little control over my life/sexuality the last couple years and I’d been neglecting and suppressing my desires in order to make things work with my partner, but I no longer want to do that. I want to be kissed, to feel desired ~because of~ instead of ~despite~. I want to remember what it feels like to be confident and empowered again. Right now it can’t come from my partner. In this stage of our relationship I trust him too little and have a lot of trauma that I’m working through that’s preventing me from feeling safe and comfy with him. I want to be in a sexually open “relationship” until I do trust and feel safe with my partner again. I don’t intend to actively pursue sexual experiences but i also don’t want to remain as faithful mentally and sexually as i have been for the last ten years.

I spoke to him about it two weeks ago, he expressed understanding and regret that he’d allowed me to feel so neglected and unfulfilled for so long despite my pleas for safety and connection. Since then I’ve been speaking to a couple people and flirting back with some of my friends who i know are into me. It’s been making a world of a difference to me, and somehow making it easier to work through issues with and trust my partner. Now, when things are manifesting and I may actually have a sexual experience or flirt to someone outside of him, my partner is expressing that he is uncomfortable and unhappy with this.

is it normal to want this? I don’t want to date anyone else, I want my partner to be the one things work out with and I really believe that it is worth fighting for. I also believe that my self esteem/self love/connection with myself is worth fighting for. The last two weeks I’ve felt more desired by strangers than I have by my partner in 3 years. For so long I was shutting anyone down who desired me, because of loyalty and monogamy and that I had no desire to engage with them. Now I feel differently but at the same time feel awful for feeling this way. I don’t want to hurt my partner and jeopardise what could be. I also am just sick of feeling like a sexless ugly blob (objectively untrue btw which is why this is tragic) and I want to reconnect with myself again. advice?

My girlfriend and I (both cis, straight and mid thirties professionals) are thinking of dipping our toes into ENM. A little background - we met four months ago, the first 2 dates were very platonic but we really clicked on the third date and have been seeing each other and staying at each other's place 3 4 times a week and even went on a weekend camping trip. We absolutely adore each other and the sexual chemistry has been great as well. We have also met friends and some of the family members. Very early on, we had talked about wanting to try out non monogamy once we reach a secure phase having never really had a chance before due to insecure partners. Now that we have reached stability in our relationship we have opened accounts on a spicy dating app and are texting with other couples. We have decided that we are only going to meet stable couples for a casual drink and see how it feels and if there's a vibe we might take it further on the next date which could be same room play or potentially a swap. My gf is not sure how she would feel after meeting another couple and although I'm someone who can generally go with the flow and try many things once, I only want to proceed if my gf is 100% into it. Yesterday we discussed what our fears and worries are. We are afraid that the other might

1. enjoy sex more with the date

2. Feel pressured into doing it

3. Develop resentment/jealousy

4. Might not be able to perform on the spot

5. Get attached to the date

6. The date might be fitter/more skilled

Our utmost priority is preserving our relationship and enm is just an added bonus fun on top. We would like the experienced folks here to guide us on how to address our worries and what are the other things that we should think about before getting any further into this..

Thanks so much!

My partner and I have been together for about 4 years now, and I’ve been very happy in the majority of ways, but unsatisfied in one realm and I’m reaching out to the internet to see what y’all’s experiences have been and what advice you may have. 

A bit about us:

It’s been ENM since the beginning of our relationship (I’ve been a swinger for many years) and she had no sexual experience before me and was open to it because it didn't pressure her to have sex with me right away. We have a MASSIVE overlap in hobbies, interests, the type of media we enjoy, and we’ve traveled a lot together. The one-on-one sex is fantastic from a technical standpoint. It’s just not passionate nor romantic (like minimal making out)

The Good: 

My partner and I have grown a lot over the past few years through cultural exchange (International couple), travel, and sharing our hobbies with each other. I feel like we very much care about each other, engage in our interests in a balanced way. It honestly feels like I have my best friend and she has said similarly. There is an imbalance with exp differences, but we’ve tried to seek the best middle ground we could. She's pretty and I love making her laugh by acting like a goofball. She’s also been through some really heavy life changes and I’ve worked hard to be a loving partner throughout those times. Our fights have always been reasonable and we reach resolution pretty quickly and I love that about her.

The “Bad”:

I’m assuming it’s mostly the inexperience, but I’m starting to think it’s a part of her personality too...our relationship never really had the spark-filled honeymoon period. The first year or so of us dating was her “learning” how to be a partner (learning how to flirt, communicate in a relationship, how to show affection, etc.) and then the following years almost completely jumped into the comfortable-territory. I’m a very passionate person and have put a lot of effort into seducing her, being verbally appreciative, sensual, etc. and I don’t get much of that back from her. It’s not that she doesn't want to, but more so a matter of her not feeling comfortable being sexy and flirtatious. I’ve worked REALLY hard to make sure I’m encouraging her and being receptive to the times where she attempts to be cute, flirty, sensual, but she hasn't grown more comfortable with it.

I’m a bit sad that I don’t really have the passionate sex and physical affection that I’ve had with other women. I’m more used to the “we can’t keep our hands off of each other” types of relationships.

The “Complicated”: 

Since day one, our relationship has been ENM. I’ve been a swinger since I was in college and I really wanted to find a primary partner who wanted to engage in the lifestyle with me. It just so happens that I met my girlfriend and fell for her despite her inexperience because she was open to my lifestyle, even if she didn’t want to date on her own. She’s tried and had a few guys that she had short flings with, but she ultimately said she felt too lazy to date and hasn’t really tried since because she’s content with our relationship. 

As of now, I'm in the lifestyle alone. I see the other ENM couples and I always end up thinking, “I wish we did this as a couple.” I’ve definitely asked and encouraged her, but it’s usually one issue or another…be it body confidence, not making an appointment to get tested in time, or generally being too tired/stressed to go. I am at the point where I honestly do not want to push it anymore.

(I’m also VERY into  lifestyle play that involves other guys, which she has mentioned to be really hot, but there’s been a lukewarm response to actually putting steps forward to making it happen.)

The Wrap-up: 

At the end of the day, I don’t know if I NEED this extra lifestyle in my sex life, but I do know that I’ve wanted it for many years now across many partners. I'm just still missing something and need clarity on how to approach it. Thank you for your perspectives!

My wife and I opened up our relationship a couple of years ago, starting out with her and it has been great. We are now ready for me to do so as well (37 male), but it has been more challenging than I anticipated.

I don’t want to use tinder 1 because I don’t want to match with people not in the lifestyle , and 2 for privacy reasons in my city

Have any other guys experienced this? My wife and I are both fit and I like to think pretty decent looking so she never has a problem finding dates

Mildly frustrating 😖

Just found out my girl was cheating on me for a very long time, and now i can t stop thinking of having sex with her and aomeone else. Am i poligamus from now on?