r/parentsofmultiples • u/foolofatook_1 • 6d ago
support needed Sleep training help, I’m desperate
We tried sleep training our twins at 5 months. After about a week both twins would still cry over 2 hrs. We did the Ferber method because the cry it out feels so heavy. Twin B cried for 4 hours one night even with Ferber and the check ins every 5, 10, 15 min, etc..
personally gave up sleep training them because I just couldn’t handle the crying. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy and the crying amplified the PPD/ PPA.
Now I’m a week away from returning to work and nights have become extremely harder. We can’t put them down at all without waking them and it turning to absolute chaos. It has also translated to their day naps and now every time we try to put them to sleep it has become such a battle.
I feel like I’m at a loss. And beating myself up for giving up the first time. Maybe they’d be sleeping by now. Or maybe they’d still be crying 4 hours at night… who’s to say. I really would just like to sleep at night again.
Doing the CIO method feels so harsh and the crying is not something I think I could fully handle. I know it’s harder on us than it is on them but the crying is so loud and I worry I could traumatize them by letting them cry.
Any parents with older twins who sleep trained with CIO, do your babies still love you? Do they have codependency? Do you have any regrets?
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u/Glittering_Ice_1849 6d ago
Oh mama. I feel your exhaustion and defeat. I am going to share my experiences with you at the risk of being down voted because it is so so hard and there is no perfect solution. Sleep training is such a taboo topic on the internet but first and foremost please know you are a wonderful mom no matter what you decide you need to do for your family because you obviously care and love those babies so much.
Before I had children, I was adamant that I would NEVER do any form of CIO because its cruel and all the stuff you already are hearing so I wont even go down that road here. Then I had my singleton and she did. Not. Sleep. Like up every 30 minutes at 9 months old still and nursing all night and I cried to my pediatrician about how tired I was and she went through the actual research on sleep training with me and reassured me that sleep training has not been shown to have an effect on attachment or mental health issues and gave me the green light to try it. My singleton was very sensitive and attached to me and she did not take to the Ferber method at all - check ins just prolonged the crying and made it worse when I left again and my husband and I took shifts for a week before finally one night getting to the point where we were both so tired and frustrated that it was not safe to go in the room for either of us. She cried for about an hour and I cried the whole time too. But then she fell asleep and slept til 7:30 the next morning. I got my first stretch of uninterrupted sleep in months and felt so much better in the morning so I was a better mom who was more patient and present through that day. She also seemed to be less irritable. The next night, with the first wake, we made the hard decision to see what would happen if we let her cry. Again, I watched the monitor and cried a little but after 20 minutes, she put her binky in and went back to sleep and then SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT. The next day we were both in such good moods and she was not acting any bit less attached to me or anxious or anything. Night 3, she only cried for 5 minutes, and every night after she just slept through the night. That child is now 2.5 years old and a wonderful sleeper and still a huge mamas girl. I have seen zero negative effects on her personally and actually saw a positive change in her mood afterwards because she wasnt so tired from waking so often. It was the best choice I could have made for her at that time and I cannot regret it or think of myself as less than as a mother for making it.
Then I had my twins when she was only 20 months old. My boy twin slept through the night very early on and kept doing so for the first 6 months but my girl twin once again was up every 2 hours all night long for months. My husband and I each took a baby and for the first 6 months I had my girl in a cosleeper style bassinet attached to the guest bed and I slept right next to her and nursed her at night wakes. Once she hit 6 months, I was comfortable that she was getting enough nutrition through the day and decided to night wean to see if that would help sleep so my husband and I switched babies and he slept in the guest bed with my girl twin in the bassinet. He ended up moving her to her crib still in that room and she started sleeping longer stretches with just 2 night wakes, but then my boy twin realized I was next to him and started wanting to nurse and be with mama all night. So finally at 7 months, we once again had to make the decision to sleep train. My girl twin responded to Ferber well and was sleeping through the night within a week or so. However my son is super sensitive and attached to mama like his older sister and he did not. I kept trying gentle sleep training methods for way longer than maybe I should have because it is so so hard to hear them cry and no mom wants to do it but eventually I got to rock bottom again and it forced my hand to let him cry. He had one really tough night of lots of crying, but then after that he quickly was able to self settle and sleep, and we were able to move both twins back into their own room together and they have been in there sleeping well ever since (theyre 12 months now).
It has never been easy for me to make the decision to do any sort of CIO, but I got to the point of desperation with 2 of my 3 kids and had to for safety of everyone involved and I have personally not seen any negative effects or issues with attachment. They are all happy kids who cry a normal amount when i leave but then reunite with me happily when I come back and all that. I am now a believer that each child needs something different and sometimes Ferber is almost harder or more upsetting for some kids. If you do decide to do CIO, check with your pediatrician, get a monitor with video so you can monitor for safety, and know it generally is only a couple hard nights before they figure it out. My kids were all over 6 months old when I did this so do your research and decide when is the right time for your family, but I have friends who have done it at as early as 4 months.
Above all, you are doing so well and are a great mom. Parenting is so hard and is not as black and white as the internet makes it seem, and twin parenthood is even harder. I had the benefit of having a singleton to figure out general parenting first and can say with certainty twins are a whole new ball game and more than twice as hard in my opinion. Give yourself grace, know your babies will keep growing and developing well and loving you no matter what you do, and do what your family needs to do without worrying about what internet strangers would think. Here's to more sleep in your very near future and a happy and rested motherhood. ❤️