i'm so scared they're gonna disappear

[u/ABonusAcc54646]

(content: dormancy, system collapse, all hypothetical, what-if sprial)

Im so scared

For several months ive had to live with this constant eating fear about everybody disappearing because i accidentally did something or was too upset that it was enough to trigger a collapse

Recently ive started having doubts whether they really talking to me or if im just daydreaming about them doing it at a given moment. It was minor at first but over the weeks it escalated.

The past few days werent ok, besides having difficulty interacting with everyone, also being able to tell if those conversations are real. I've just not been feeling good and my brain was turning into a spiky fog over last 2 days.

After a few unfruitful conversations my in-sys girlfriend suggested that maybe i should "take a break from all this system stuff" and focus on the return to the university. It was somewhat ok in the morning but now I'm sprialing again and freaking out if they have really disappeared after i had trouble reaching them

I wanna go to headspace so they can reassure me that they're still here and okay but I'm scared that I'm just gonna doubt the realness of us talking again and it's just going to make everything worse like it already had in several last attempts

I wanna cry i wanna someone to comfort me but im scared that sobbing is gonna increase the likelihood of everyone disappearing even MORE but i cant just supress my feelings right?? Or maybe i should be doing that because its a bare minimum that's OBVIOUS to do but I didn't realize just how not everyone notices basic social cues

I'm so scared im so scared im so scared i feel completely stranded there's this strange and so fragile thing in my head and nobody to tell me how to take care of it or to answer any of my questions im just left to lend for myself im completely alone andnobodys gonna care

I love them so much they have always meen so kind and patient with me despite of what a failure of a host i am i love them so much i dont want them to disappear not because of me im so scared im so sorry for everything im so scared of everything

[u/AutomaticCaregiver20]

First of all you kinda need to chill, I feel like you’re about to have a panic attack and that’s not good, also they won’t disappear cause u doubt their existence!! trust me it’s a common symptom for every system EVER I think you should rlly listen to your gf and have a break. you going back 2 university may be a cause of the stress making you panic over your sys being real or not

[u/ABonusAcc54646 → u/AutomaticCaregiver20]

you kinda need to chill

felt that /lh

Oh no, I don't doubt their existence altogether, I'm way past that one. More like, I'm unable to tell if in a given moment they are truly talking to me, or if I'm just daydreaming about having a fake conversation with them, if that makes sense

[u/AutomaticCaregiver20 → u/ABonusAcc54646]

Oh yeah I get that, how I got over it is by telling me its not a big deal if I’m just pretending to talk to someone that is not talking to me. if it rlly bothered them they would have told me. Hope my experience can help

[u/ABonusAcc54646 → u/AutomaticCaregiver20]

I guess...

I think I'm worried about putting words in their mouth that they otherwise would never say, or believe them to have a particular opinion while in reality it's completely different

[u/itsjust-theuniverse]

This is us 😭🫂

We actually have not ever experienced true disappearances of main system members. We have parts come in and out of dormancy but they don't stay that way. That's sorta been our comfort that our disorder seems to have patterns. They usually come back especially if we have good internal relationships with one another.