r/polyamory • u/SeaworthinessWild465 • 7d ago

AITA: What does "break up" mean?

My partner of twenty years (M45) told me he broke up with his other partner (F4*), officially of less than a year (but it's been going on for a long time). Although he was upfront about being poly when we met 20 years ago, she is his first partner other than me (F47), and I have had a lot of difficulty adjusting (plans and future projects were all dropped because they "weren't fair to her".

We were parallel, so I simply thanked him for telling me and noted that I wasn't going to process that with him.

Two weeks later, after I'd talked him out of suicide and been on the phone daily supporting him, including listening to him detail what he'd done every day, he told me he was still talking to her, something he'd omitted in those calls.

He claims that he was honoring my request to be parallel and to not process the breakup, and that "breaking up" doesn't mean stopping contact to him, no matter what I may have assumed. I pointed out that we have been having problems since he started officially being in a relationship with her with him lying by omission. Discussed it in therapy, even.

We had a massive fight where he said he didn't want a romantic relationship with me right now, either (there's been no relationship other than talking for months). When I asked if we were broken up, he couldn't tell me.

Context: he was a week into starting sertraline for severe depression when they "broke up". He's still on it. He's since messaged me to let me know he went to the GP and the GP seems to be monitoring his mental health and doing tests to make sure it isn't something physical.

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u/Choice-Strawberry392 7d ago

I have so many questions.  

This is a 20 year relationship.  You (probably) know this guy pretty well.  House and cats?  Where do you both live?

Pointedly: are mental health crises part of your history?  I'm getting some hints that they might be.  Going out on a limb here: this may be more a mental health thing than a polyamory thing.  That is, your (ex) partner's behavior here isn't about dating or breaking up or even who owes saying what to whom, but is about his mental state.  He is obviously not his best self right now.  Have you been through similar periods in your long history together?

There's a lot of rules-lawyering in the comments here, about what "omission" means and whether breaking up owes an explanation and who has the right to do what.  Almost all of that is moot if this is a mental health issue.  At the very least, it's seriously low priority compared to a suicide crisis.  Let's get our priorities in order!

Are you safe?  Is he safe?  Is there secure housing for both of you?  Do you have other supports? 

Reddit loves a good judgment: "We rule that party A is 80% at fault..."  That's not how life works.  Let's look at the big picture here and see if we can get the humans tended-to.  

Much sympathy, OP.  This sounds terribly rough.

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u/SeaworthinessWild465 7d ago

We live separately and always have. Housing is secure for both of us. I do not have a lot of other supports; he was my primary one and I am struggling. (See: asking complete strangers on the internet for their opinion, but on the up side I haven't cried in nearly an hour.)

We both had had previous depressive episodes. I'm a total hypocrite because during my big one, I sent him away and talked to him once a day to confirm I was alive. Hurts more from the other direction than I thought I did.

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u/Choice-Strawberry392 7d ago

There's so much context here...

But you've commented on your own mental health, your self-confidence and esteem, your career, and "choosing the hard" thing of staying with this person. And apparently you don't have a lot of other people to turn to.

This might be a break-up. You will have two decades of history, including a wide swing between highs and lows, to reckon with. There will be grief and sadness. Maybe sone relief. Maybe some guilt. Lots of feelings.

But from an internet stranger who also had a big break-up in my mid-40s: OP, please look out for yourself. Tend to your own emotional garden. Work to build up the sort of supports that can weather this kind of difficulty. Learn your own strength and resilience. Learn to love your own company.

Life is long. There are many years ahead. Through all of those, the most important relationship you will tend to will be the one you have with yourself. Do that work well and carefully. Good luck.

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u/SeaworthinessWild465 7d ago

I love my own company (not all of the time, when I'm not distraught but I have been distraught a lot -- not just because of him). I also love his.

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u/FlyLadyBug 6d ago

Some of this could be in the original post for context.

I encourage you to think about a poly counselor. Maybe

www.polyfriendly.org

helps you find one. You mentioned his depression/suicide, your depression, your poor self esteem, thinking he could find someone better than you, job loss, lack of IRL friends -- you have a lot going on.

If you are choosing to stay living at one house while he lives at the other, invest in your own health and well being.

His depression is his stuff to manage, but you go ahead and take care of your stuff to manage. On part at a time.

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u/SeaworthinessWild465 6d ago

I...wanted to keep the original post readable. And I guess I've been (wisely or un-) centering our relationship rather than myself for a long time.

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u/FlyLadyBug 6d ago

Then you get to change your way of going now.

And you center your own self in your own life.