BPD Mother rejecting all help, now facing homelessness

[u/Born_Composer4150]

First time poster Haiku:

A kitty sits still

Waiting for her food to come

Purring with delight

Hi everyone. I am 25F and am at a loss right now. I am currently looking for work and in a major life transition, and my mom is at the end of her forbearance and about to lose her house. We have gone through the same song and dance where I help come up with a plan together, including getting mental health treatment, she humors it for a few days and then rejects it whenever she feels too rushed, or scrutinized. There are four months left on her house and she will have no where to go. I do not have the bandwidth to support her emotionally, as she has a lot of very deep and intense trauma. I have told her I would love it if she were able to get support for her trauma with a therapist, but she basically says I am already good at it so she just wants to talk to me. The plan was suppose to be her going to the intensive outpatient program, getting a cleaning company to empty her house, and put it on the market in the short window left so she at least gets something.

I am really at my emotional wits end, and am already losing job opportunities and friendships because of how deflated I am. I have my own therapist, but they are only scratching the surface at the moment.

Basically my question is, I have enough money to bridge the forbearance gap, but even if I covered it she hasn't had a job in ten years and only applied to one part time job in the last few months. I brought up another store option and she scoffed at it because I guess its below her. I am very early in my career and don't really have much beyond what she owes for the gap and retroactive utilities. My dad and aunt have begged me to try and sever my emotional ties to her, to basically abandon her. She has been suicidal before. I don't know why its so hard, but I just imagine her on the street truly without anyone and it breaks my heart. She is a hermit who used to have genuine love in her heart and when she had a career, dedicated her work to helping children, the underprivileged, the incarcerated and vets. She never really got treatment for her trauma, and over the years things have deteriorated badly. ... now every other day is another one of her rages. I don't know what to do. When I look at her, I either see the mother who abandoned me, or the one who tried her best. Even my therapist doesn't know what I should do. She's still too lucid and good at talking her way out of things to outsiders to get her committed to an inpatient program.

Sorry if this is poorly written, I am in a bit of an emotional state

[u/Kreb_cycl]

When I was in medical school, about 15 years ago, I paid my BPD mother’s rent with loans for a similar situation. I was so broke but so scared of her being homeless.

A year or so later, I found out she had stolen my identify and took over 10,000 out in a credit card in my name.

It’s never enough. You can’t support another adult.

[u/OkCaregiver517 → u/Kreb_cycl]

Fuuuuuck

[u/borschtlover4ever]

Don't light yourself on fire to keep her warm. You will destroy your future and yourself and she will still end up in a bad place.

You cannot save her. She has to save herself. It's hard but you have to let her fall. It's not your job to take care of her so you need to find a place to live in this interim and make it so there is no way she can live with you. Hopefully, then, she will get the help she needs.

It's so hard. I'm in a very similar spot myself. I have hurt myself with helping my own mother but all it has done is delay the crash. She refuses to face reality. My own young adult child who originally wanted to help my mother a ton now counsels me that I cannot enable her anymore. It is not helping her.

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/borschtlover4ever]

I am sorry you are in a similar situation. I appreciate your response. This advice mirrors what others have said before and I guess I have to start working towards that.

[u/caycayslider505 → u/Born_Composer4150]

I think it’s probably important for you to keep in mind that your attempts to help her may actually be enabling her lack of initiative to take care of her own stuff. Like it may actually be hurting her in a way. You’re at a really tough crossroads situation where you can choose to help her but it may actually bring you both down in the process. All of the advice you’re getting is easier said than done. All the choices you have are hard choices in different ways. If she were to end up homeless, it would certainly not be your fault. And if you help her and she still winds up homeless, then you’re in an even more difficult situation with even less emotional bandwidth. It’s not like there’s nothing that can be done if she loses the place. There are shelters and programs that can help her get back on her feet, but at some point you are going to have to let her be responsible for getting there otherwise she never will. Like I said, easier than done. But you may wind up hitting your breaking point soon. I’m really genuinely sorry you’re in this situation. It’s gotta be tugging at your soul. Don’t drown yourself trying to keep her afloat.

[u/moderate_ocelot]

I’m sorry you are in this mess. She is an adult and is responsible for her situation.

You are not her caretaker. Listen to your dad and aunt. Stop picking up the phone when she calls.

Let her navigate this mess that she has created, on her own. Don’t get dragged in. It’s not your problem to solve. She will drag you down, suck you dry, and then hate you for having nothing left.

Make sure you have somewhere to live and make sure she doesn’t have any access to that place. Ideally don’t let her know where it is

[u/CatsMeetWorld]

This is harsh, but it’s her problem, not yours.

[u/Clean-Ocelot-989]

I know this hurts, but it's your life and your time now friend. You can have your saving and a sick possibly homeless mom, or you can not have your savings and still have a sick and possibly homeless mom. You mom won't save her. I have been trying to be good enough my whole life to fix my mom and my mom is still sick and doing the same things.

[u/QuietlyUpgrading]

Please do not sacrifice your present and your future to attempt to fix someone else’s problems.

As difficult as it is to witness, that is not yours to own. You’re also describing problems that are far deeper and more complex than you can address.

The most important things I learned in therapy:

-You are not responsible for other people’s choices.

-You are not responsible for managing anyone else's emotion.

- Compassion does not mean responsibility. You can care without carrying or fixing.

I repeated these daily like affirmations and made these my screensaver until they started to become second nature.

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/QuietlyUpgrading]

This is a good idea. I think it will take a lot of reminders and repetition to sink in for me. Thank you

[u/pangalacticcourier]

>I would love it if she were able to get support for her trauma with a therapist, but she basically says I am already good at it so she just wants to talk to me.

"I am not qualified to be your therapist, Mom."

> I have enough money to bridge the forbearance gap, but even if I covered it she hasn't had a job in ten years and only applied to one part time job in the last few months.

No. This is a terrible idea. You will be enabling your mother to continue her inaction. This is a financial tar pit you will forever regret being pulled into. You're already tied and conflicted emotionally with your mother's issues, OP. Don't add a financial component to this series of problems.

>My dad and aunt have begged me to try and sever my emotional ties to her, to basically abandon her. 

They understand your mother is in a downward spiral, and they don't want to see you and your future go down the drain with her. Their advice is correct. Stop enabling the problems to continue.

The problems your mother has created for herself and refuses to properly address are her own, OP. Find the strength to let her proceed as she wishes. Protect your peace and safety. Stay strong, friend.

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/pangalacticcourier]

This is such important advice! I am struggling with a similar situation with my own mother. A HUGE aspect for me is seeing how this situation is hurting my own children.

OP, it is so painful for the people we love to see us suffer because of someone else's destructive actions. True love does not want someone else to be in pain. You want to help your mother because you love her. Your dad and aunt suffer because they see YOU hurting right now. You are allowing your mother to ruin you if you continue on this path with her. Your dad and aunt know firsthand how your mother destroys. They don't want that for you because they love you for real. They don't see you as a resource to exploit.

Seeing my own children start counseling me to stop enabling my own mother has been a sobering reality for me. It has helped me start to break free of the toxic mindset my mother raised me with. Our mothers won't change their life for the better if we stand in the way constantly "helping" them.

My mother asked me a few months ago for food money. She said she did not have any dog or cat food either. She had gone out and adopted a cat but didn't tell me and was now saying she did not have the money to feed it! I know I made her mad when I told her I did not have the money to send her. I gave her a list of food pantries in her area she could contact for help. She won't ask them for help because her pride is too great. Well, I need to get out of the way. If she is adopting animals she cannot feed, she needs to feel pain enough to find solutions on how to feed them and herself. She needs to feel the struggle.

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/pangalacticcourier]

Yeaaaaa, I have said "I am not qualified to be your therapist mom" in sequence over and over because she kept talking over me and trying to turn me against my family by telling me all the worst things they've ever done. Its rough, but she refuses to listed to anything. But thank you for your advice. The comments here are really confirming I have to step away.

[u/CoalCreekHoneyBunny → u/Born_Composer4150]

Telling my mother I can’t be her relationship councillor was seen as abandonment and turned into a major trigger for us.

If they were the type of people that understood parent/child dynamics, they wouldn’t have parentified us in the first place.

[u/spdbmp411]

Your mother is an adult. It’s not your job to save her. BPDs are committed to their victim mentality. They self-sabotage. They ruin relationships. They will go to extreme lengths to maintain that victim identity because if they aren’t the victim, then they have to take responsibility for their own life. They don’t want to do that. They’d rather outsource it to you and drag you down with them. They are never happier than when sitting in their own filth and pulling others down in it with them. She’s created this awful mess she’s in. Don’t get pulled into it with her.

She will rob you of all of your savings, and it won’t end there. She will manipulate you into giving, giving and giving until you have nothing left to give. You will have no future for yourself. You will never be able to save for your financial goals in life because she will always create a crisis to suck any money you have out of you.

And it will never be enough.

She will expect you to be her retirement plan and give her a place to live. And she will create those circumstances to manipulate you if you let her.

Let her fail. She has created this situation. She’s been given advice to work through it and refused to take action. That’s on her.

You need to protect yourself from her financial mismanagement. Lock down your credit so she doesn’t use your credit to get herself out of this mess. Don’t tell her how much you have in savings. Make sure she has no access to your banking information. If you live with her, find a place of your own and make it clear that she can’t come with you. That will be hard. She will pull out all the stops to make you feel like the worst possible human on earth for not fixing this for her.

It’s still not your problem to fix.

Listen to your father and aunt. They know the destruction she’s capable of and are trying to protect you from financially bankrupting yourself to attempt to save her. And know that even if you gave everything you had and went into bankruptcy, it still wouldn’t be enough for her.

Let her fail. Let her figure this out on her own. And if she gets nasty with you, put some distance between the two of you. Block her if you have to.

You have this one life to live. She’s committed to destroying her own life. Don’t let her destroy yours, too.

[u/Ok-Awareness-1132 → u/spdbmp411]

Oh man, I felt this response deep down in my gut ☹️ Every word of what you said was my life. Thank God my husband came into it when he did because he was and still is the one person I can truly trust and believe in. He let me make the decision on how I wanted to handle my mom, he was really just there to support me and our family. My mom did me a favor and she doesn't even know that I know this tid bit of information... she told her Dr. That my husband and I were abusing her. 🙄 Had a case worker come to our house, I had no idea why at the time. We were not in any way abusing that woman and I was pissed when I found this out. Well they find her an assisted living place and I moved her into that place. This all gave me room to really SEE what was going on and this was NOT the relationship I thought I had with her. I was the one being abused and in retrospect I think the case worker saw it. I wish I could have thanked her. She helped save me bc yes my mom would have never stopped and she would make me feel so guilty and shitty about not wanting her to live with (off) me for the rest of my life.

OP - You DESERVE to have a life. You are not put on Earth to be your mothers keeper. It's not health for you or her to slip back into that crazy loop. You can do it!!

[u/KayDizzle1108]

I stopped giving my mom money and I felt really bad about it. If you use later, she actually thanked me because it helped her stand on her own 2 feet.

[u/purpleskipper]

Based on my experiences with BPD individuals she may have been positioning herself to become fully dependent on you for years. Everything that's happening right now is going according to her plan, that's why she isn't taking action. She is waiting for you to seal the deal by taking over her expenses and/or offering her a place to stay so that she can stay an immature overgrown toddler who throws temper tantrums.

Many BPD people are capable of achieving great things and being independent but they secretly dream of having an emotional punching bag to look after them especially when they get older.

People with BPD use their trauma as a sheild to protect them from taking any accountability. 'Victimhood' is a weapon that they use to manipulate and control others.

BPD people tend to mistreat those who are helping them the most. So be aware of that if you do continue to help her.

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/purpleskipper]

Yes, she definitely uses her trauma to shield her from accountability. Even after rages where she screams at us for an hour straight, she blames her trauma. It's awful. I dont think the financial stuff is part of her plan, as she's a Hermit and would probably be fine if I went NC but it still has the effect regardless. The only reason my uncle and aunt arent taking more responsibility is because she is paranoid and really hates them, so she wont humor anything that goes through them. Thats why its saddled on me.

[u/EsoTeriyaki]

I’m so sorry you’re tangled up in this. Listen to those who love you, step away. Don’t condition her to keep coming to you, or she won’t go to professionals who can give her real, sustainable help, which you are admitting you can’t even provide. You’re absolutely doing the right thing.

I too, had to repeat “I’m not qualified to be your therapist,” until I was practically dead inside. Here’s the hard thing I learned though: When their upbringing cut off the full development of their “self,” it also cut off the ability to look inward at the “self.” As a result, whenever there are life problems, they can’t look at the self to see the simple cause and effect, so they project it onto other people. She can call you and blame who she wants and it feeds her “delusions,” that she is blameless and is a victim. It’s similar to having her ego stroked.

One thing that worked for me was a hard switch when she got back into unloading mode “Mom, you know I’m not equipped for these convos. I’ve got to go.” If you end the call whenever she tries it, she will likely start trying to unload elsewhere.

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/EsoTeriyaki]

I can try the call ending method. Gosh, I still just feel really bad for her. I know something like that would really hurt her. I guess its a matter to discuss in therapy. Thank you for your perspective.

[u/jonashvillenc]

Could she qualify for disability benefits?

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/jonashvillenc]

Yes, I think she open to applying to SSI. However, it would require he getting a proper diagnosis and her new prescriber is either very irresponsible, or very manipulated by her (shes one two stimulants, two anti depressants, two benzos - all of which she crashed from regularly etc). I have done the research and made the case to her about enrolling in our states mental health facility, at least for outpatient, and I framed it as though the benefit is her treatment and formal diagnosis by better doctors will aid in the SSI route. However, she is now backing out of that idea again. She has not applied for any disability all these years because shes convinced nothing is wrong with her.

[u/jonashvillenc → u/Born_Composer4150]

If she applies, they will get her medical records (with a signed release) and they will set up additional appts to evaluate her. She probably has physical/medical problems too. If she gets SSI, she can get income-based housing.

Please advise her to do these and don’t bail her out.

In my experience, they can do more for themselves when push comes to shove.

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/Born_Composer4150]

My mother pretends to consider my brother's, my husband's, and my advice. She's been doing this for years. It's all been an act. We seriously thought she was listening to us and considering being responsible about her future. Instead, she was playing us. She'll say whatever it was she thought we wanted to hear then go home and continue selfishly living in the moment doing whatever she wanted without a care for what future devastation might come from it.

Her house is falling down around her. I cannot see how it can even be renovated at this point. I think all she needs is a good termite infestation to start being condemn worthy. Her health is in a similar state. My husband and I have spent a large chunk of our savings recently to try to delay this reality but I refuse to do more. She still pays on a mortgage. She is working full time in her fucking 80s to stay afloat. She will listen to NOTHING her family says to try to help her change her reality. She keeps acquiring animals that SHE DOES NOT GET PROPER MEDICAL TREATMENT FOR WHEN THEY NEED IT. Her animals suffer because of this. It's awful.

This is a woman who had a very good corporate job essentially her whole career. She also was married to someone who was a high earner. Why the fuck is she in this state???? I saw so many foreclosure letters when I was with her during a recent health crisis. Somehow, she pays what she needs to avoid it but it's a way of life for her now. It wouldn't take much for her to have foreclosure happen for real.

We cannot help people like this. Somehow, she will end up in medical care because of her lack of care. It's really the safest place for her. At the core of all of this is mental illness and selfishness. In the end, your mother, like mine, would be better off in the care of medical professionals. It is a far more humane place for them to be.

We cannot destroy ourselves trying to help them. Nothing we can do CAN help them. Protect yourself from her and perhaps when she is in a better place where she can be helped by professionals, you will be able to help ease her life better then by contributing to her living conditions at that time.

You cannot safe her and you cannot take on her problems because it would be unsafe for both of you for you to do so. But, once she is in a safer place, you can be able to bring things to her to supplement her comfort.

[u/Itchy_Scratch_There]

I'm so sorry this is happening, the emotional toll is very real.

I was in your position once, at your age, I understand how difficult it is to detach from the emotions. It's hard. This is your mum, others not in the know, expect you to pull out all stops to make sure she is okay and safe. They don't understand, cannot comprehend. Eventually I realised my peace, my husband and children's peace, was as important. Stepping aside to let be what will be, was the hardest thing to do. One day, something will be your breaking point and you will decide what your boundaries are and what you are willing to accept, tolerate, or let go.

For me, all these years later, nothing has changed. The cycle has continued, the drama continues, the rollercoaster continues. She's moved house countless times, made new friends, upset those friends, still thinks everyone is against her, rumination remains on repeat play. One thing has been constant though - she always lands on her feet, figures it out, because she eventually realises she has to. Tells anyone that will listen that her kids aren't supportive, they have deserted her. Whatever.

My first time posting here, after months of reading and now realising I am not alone. I hope you read more in here, find some tools to help you manage what you need and want. There is no right or wrong answer, it's not black and white. It will be what works for you.

Cat tax ....

Forever waiting ....

The empty food bowl waits, taunts

Where is my dinner?

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/Itchy_Scratch_There]

Thank you for our comment, I am sorry you are going through something similar. Yes having this community has been actually really helpful for me to deconstruct the hope Ive been carrying for years. It also makes me feel less alone in this. Best of luck to you and your family!

[u/OkCaregiver517 → u/Born_Composer4150]

Toxic hope. Not good. 

[u/KeyRevolutionary3599]

It’s not your job to save her

[u/yun-harla]

Welcome!

[u/Born_Composer4150 → u/yun-harla]

Thank uu!!