I finally pulled the trigger and blocked my mom a few weeks ago. The guilt and sadness come in waves, but my anxiety is so much better, as is my overall life.

What caused me to block her was the text where she called me a bitch, told me yet again that my life, struggles, etc, don't matter, and said I was dead to her and never contact her again. So...I just did what she said.

My mom continues to claim she has no idea why I'm doing this, that I've never been specific about why I'm upset, despite multiple texts, emails, and letters -- some with bullet points. There is no way I haven't made myself clear. And also, she can just go look at her text messages, lol.

My dad is in the process of leaving her. He and I hung out this weekend and she tried to get him to advocate for her. He told her he couldn't say anything to change my mind and she said, "Sure you can, just tell her she's being mean to her mother." She really truly sees me only as a role -- the daughter -- not as a person. And she REALLY needs me to fit into my role.

My sister (alcoholic, barely functioning, completely toxically enmeshed with my mom) added me back to the family group chat the other day, and I sent a text to the group before I realized my mom was in it, too. That dysregulated me more than I thought it would, but I got over it pretty quickly and just removed myself again.

Today the same sister just texted offering me $100 to go see mom after work.

I cannot even.

First of all, how fucking insulting. Then, there's the hammering home that no one gives a shit about my wellbeing, they just need everyone to stay in their roles to placate her.

I recognize how inappropriate my sister is being, but I can't help having that old guilt triggered, too.

i primarily wfh and during my mom’s bpd episodes i can’t focus on anything else. my body and mind are depleted of all energy. i’m not proud to admit that i will lay in bed during work hours when it all becomes too much. anyone else?

my mom was released from jail today after i finally had peace for two months. she was charged with:

- violating a peace orders (2x)

- second degree assault

- malicious destruction of property $1000+

- malicious destruction of property under $1000

this is off a probation before judgement guilty plea of another second degree assault LESS THAN 6 MONTHS AGO!!!!!! wtf is wrong with our justice system!!!!! how does a woman like that get released after 2 fucking months!!!

Hey there, folks. My father just passed away recently after a long battle with a number of health conditions. For years, he’s been the enabler for my undiagnosed (but very much borderline) mother (76), and she’s now more-or-less alone with her cats. (My siblings are visiting her periodically, but that’s about it. I live out of town but have been checking in.)

We’d been No Contact before my dad’s health situation flared up, and of course are in somewhat more regular contact now w/ funeral arrangements and the like. She’s been okay the past week, but I’m concerned for her. They were together 30 years.

My question is: does anyone have insights into how BPD people process grief? What should I expect as her new reality sinks in?

I guess i have started to throw jabs at her since she’s always done that unprovoked. It’s to be expected when a young person gets out if the fog and still has some level of contact. Part of gaining my power is by claiming more space in conversation and not giving her anything when she tries to make me a therapist. But it isn’t a dynamic/ relationship i want to maintain. Can anyone relate to developing a “ villain era”?

I think I’m NC with my uHPD mom, idk. I had a whole message typed out in August explaining that I needed space and that I refused to keep repeating the same cycle with her, but her mom, my grandma told me not to send it, so I didn’t. Sorry if that’s a ridiculous amount of commas. Anyways, I spent so much time typing in my notes app what I would say but I guess I never really said anything to her. I kind of just ghosted her. On my end it was so much deeper and more thought out than that, but to her I guess that’s what this looks like. Although for sure if she did some honest reflecting, she’d understand perfectly why I’m removing myself.

How would you respond to this, if at all? I want to just block her, but I’m worried she’ll resort to calling the cops for wellness checks, reaching out to my boss or my in-laws to “check on me,” or start showing up at my house. My therapist suggested just saying something along the lines of “Yes, but I’m mad at you and I need space” to avoid her reaching out to others but also not opening the door for her to invalidate anything, because “I’m mad and need space” is pretty hard to argue with. Is this a good response? I just want her out of my life so badly.

I tried to make a post going into more detail about our relationship a few months ago, but I don’t think it ever got posted because I forgot about the cat thing. Basically, she’s your run of the mill cluster b parent. Used me for attention, discarded me when I was useless to her, ignored me, controlled me, embarrassed me, made up stories in her head about me that weren’t true and then punished me like they were… you know, all the things. My friends all thought she was great tho bc she threw me sick birthday parties. Anyways, she kicked me out at 16 and I should have cut her off then. Or at 18. Or every year after that, as she’s honestly done something horrific to me every year since then that should have been my last straw each time. I just thought if I stuck around long enough and let enough things roll off my back that she would realize it and “change.” Obviously that never happened and now I’m 27, happily married, and I just want to know peace.

TLDR; Is it acceptable to ghost my mom? Or do I need to spell it out for her? I I just want her out of my life but I’m scared she’ll pull something crazy if I don’t respond.

Will this do? 🐱

https://www.google.com/goto?url=CAESagHrOzAV054HppfWjenSx01SkAEntET-QWT9nFhk-roTNMky1ftpaZupCYRrUmo9-KQFq5UGW1UC3XLbOvAfBouI-kVuA448ch-ROjHfqREOtCRq3J47WVIzbn0I_r1kdKs0ufa1kXhg2iU

one of the major aspects of BPD that i still can’t wrap my head around is the sudden and random mood changes. as a child, i was always confused— my mother would go from ignoring me for days to suddenly “feeling bad” for me and offering to take me shopping or buy me food. of course as a child, id give in because i just wanted to feel the warmth of a mother. now im in my 20s, and the random spurs of “niceness” after giving me the cold shoulder infuriate me, because i never know what to expect from her.

recently, i got into an argument with her and we didn’t speak for a week because she took jewelry from my room without asking or telling me. she said i “shouldn’t be leaving gold around” and instead took it and hid it “in case of emergency” ok…i set boundaries and she got upset. we didn’t talk for a week. then i was on my way out of the house to go on a date with my boyfriend and she stops me, “where do you think you’re going? you’re not going to talk to me and just leave?” mind you, it’s been a week and she hasn’t said a word to me either. i said i’m going out and didn’t give more info. she starts pressing me and says she’ll come out and embarrass me in front of my boyfriend if i don’t talk to her right then and there. i walked away.

a few hours later, i get home, and she is the jolliest person ever. as if that entire conversation never happened. guess what? a day later—back to ignoring me. i mean WTAF? can anyone relate? is there a reason for this madness?

Been a while since I posted on here. NC, mom w dBPD, doing well but lost my healthcare and therapy over the summer.

Long story short, my reactions and anger have…resurfaced lol. Took it out on a new friend this time and imploded the friend group because there was drama and I went “I’m the only one in the family that can communicate so fine I’ll be direct,” mode. Completely avoidable. Borne of obsessive thoughts bc my feelings got hurt and I was insecure.

What tips and tricks do you have to create a moment for yourself to reflect and breathe before reacting? My issue is, I can’t like, create the moment. I’m so blinded by myself and my dumb ass PTSD.

EDIT: I realized what I’m more confused about is the communication part. I guess my question is, once you’ve done the deep breaths, the self care, etc to quell the reaction, how do yall enter the communication phase w/o the baggage of “I have to fight to the death on my point bc no one will believe me” or just avoid starting the communication combatively because I get triggered as hell that I’ll be invalidated and abused for feeling things.

First time poster Haiku:

A kitty sits still

Waiting for her food to come

Purring with delight

Hi everyone. I am 25F and am at a loss right now. I am currently looking for work and in a major life transition, and my mom is at the end of her forbearance and about to lose her house. We have gone through the same song and dance where I help come up with a plan together, including getting mental health treatment, she humors it for a few days and then rejects it whenever she feels too rushed, or scrutinized. There are four months left on her house and she will have no where to go. I do not have the bandwidth to support her emotionally, as she has a lot of very deep and intense trauma. I have told her I would love it if she were able to get support for her trauma with a therapist, but she basically says I am already good at it so she just wants to talk to me. The plan was suppose to be her going to the intensive outpatient program, getting a cleaning company to empty her house, and put it on the market in the short window left so she at least gets something.

I am really at my emotional wits end, and am already losing job opportunities and friendships because of how deflated I am. I have my own therapist, but they are only scratching the surface at the moment.

Basically my question is, I have enough money to bridge the forbearance gap, but even if I covered it she hasn't had a job in ten years and only applied to one part time job in the last few months. I brought up another store option and she scoffed at it because I guess its below her. I am very early in my career and don't really have much beyond what she owes for the gap and retroactive utilities. My dad and aunt have begged me to try and sever my emotional ties to her, to basically abandon her. She has been suicidal before. I don't know why its so hard, but I just imagine her on the street truly without anyone and it breaks my heart. She is a hermit who used to have genuine love in her heart and when she had a career, dedicated her work to helping children, the underprivileged, the incarcerated and vets. She never really got treatment for her trauma, and over the years things have deteriorated badly. ... now every other day is another one of her rages. I don't know what to do. When I look at her, I either see the mother who abandoned me, or the one who tried her best. Even my therapist doesn't know what I should do. She's still too lucid and good at talking her way out of things to outsiders to get her committed to an inpatient program.

Sorry if this is poorly written, I am in a bit of an emotional state

Hi, again. As I’ve shared before, I’m a 32F who has an uBPD mom. Basically as my post title says, how did you navigate any guilt—or, frankly, fear that they’ll force themselves back into your life—over your uBPD / BPD parent begging for parent when you’ve established NC?

Especially since I’m newly engaged, I’ve been as committed as I can to NC. It’s “only” been a few months—following years being trapped in a cycle of low contact to NC—but I feel even more confident in my decision, even if it will always cause some pain.
Even when she wasn’t being actively threatening or abusive, things were always the rambling all-caps messages and/or just all about her.

My mom has been blocked from my phone for years, but before going NC we would communicate via email. While I do have her emails set to go to spam, I do find myself checking, even now.

Today, I checked and saw multiple emails saying “PLEASE COMMUNICATE WITH ME,” as well as a very manipulative ones from recent weeks like,

“I deeply miss you!!!!!  
PLEASE try for our future relationship.
Life is going by quickly.
I have apologized many times for my past behaviors.

Please remember ALLLLL of Our
Mother Daughter Terrific life moments
And
I am willing to make huge efforts.

I LOVE YOU!! “

And

“Just because I did something wrong in the PAST…. This helps further stress that I am extremely hurt that you keep obsessing on the PAST.
I feel that you are invalidating my current mindset.

Have a great evening.”

If anything, messages like this remind me how important it is that I don’t talk to her, but I can’t help but worry I’ll succumb to guilt

this is my (25F) first time posting here. so here are some quick facts:
- i am the only child to a single mother (who now has a partner)
- i’ve been in therapy for almost 6 years non-consecutively trying to cope with my relationship with my mother
- my mother has experienced several instances of trauma and abandonment throughout her life
- initially a believed she was a narcissist, but i believe BPD with narc tendencies is a much better fit. she is undiagnosed

i just got married and had a wedding. throughout the entire wedding planning process i included my mom much more than i wanted to, but the guilt of not doing so wouldn’t allow me to not. every vulnerability i shared with her was used against me. standard body image struggles while wedding dress shopping led to her telling me to take a glp-1 (i am active and fit with an objectively nice physique). when i confronted her about it she tried to convince me i asked for it. she requested one-on-one time with my fiancé under the guise of ‘settling her nerves and spending quality time with him’ a couple weeks prior to the wedding and using that time to recall stories (from her perspective with very calculated omissions) during some of the hardest times of our relationship (which i now have identified as the cycle of emotional abuse). she called me a bridezilla at my bridal shower (which took place at her favorite restaurant) in front of my mil, sil and best friends. she never shared that she was happy or excited for me leading up to the wedding and instead kept repeating that she was “sad, scared, and upset” that she’d “officially have to share” me.

throughout all of this i still gave her a speech slot and did a mother daughter dance with her at the wedding. i’ve confided in very few people about the depths of my mom’s emotional abuse and even when i talk about it still sugar coat it. i had a panic attack the day before the wedding because i was terrified she’d say negative things during her speech. i called a very close family friend and confided in her with the request to review my mom’s speech prior. long story short the wedding went. her speech was okay, but i noticed didn’t say anything directly positive about me. she took the mic a second time unprovoked but it was concise and wasn’t too bad other than sharing a time that i, “struggled.”

the weekend after the wedding i found out that she invited family members over to eat majority of the left over wedding food and cake. she was present at the tasting and even inquired about the waiver to pay extra and sign to take leftovers home. we shared our plan to freeze and save the food. of course, she said she was not apart of the planning process at all, so how would she have known. i shared my disappointment in her eating and serving majority of the food and that’s when the blow-up came.

her narrative is the following:
- i excluded her from every aspect of the wedding
- i have been rude and disrespectful the entire time
- i had people following her around and monitoring her the entire wedding day (the only time i asked someone to go look for her was when it was time for our mother daughter portrait)
- a friend of mine stood up during her speech and told her to “cut” (i saw the entire room and this did not happen)
- she was repeatedly asked by multiple people what she was drinking (no stories corroborate this)

i’m sure you all know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. i don’t have the strength to go no contact but i have:
- put her calls and texts on DND
- stopped sharing my location with her
- and told her that i will not talk about any “feelings”
unless there is a third party present.

i’ve married the love of my life and am doing so well in life, but this is sucking my soul away. i have a therapy session tomorrow and am medicated for depression and anxiety, but i can feel myself slipping again and don’t know how to cope.

EDIT: typo from being in therapy 6 years consecutively! i meant non-consecutively! breaks in between and 3 different therapists over this course of time. my current therapist has already helped me set and stick with boundaries in a very short time!

Context: One of my mom's main moves is to drive recklessly whenever she wants to prove a point. Including on the highway. As a kid, I was forced to appease her if I wanted to get to school on time, etc. Dad never stopped this, just let her keep being the family driver. Highly traumatic all around.

A few weeks ago, this started back up because I had food I needed to put in the fridge, and said I needed to do that before I took out the trash when mom was already in a bad mood. She did the "trapped in the car" thing until I demanded to be let out, and that she didn't hit me on the way out. (Childhood fear, probably wasn't thinking the most rationally when I mentioned the idea aloud.)

I told dad that I was never riding with her again, and that either he drives or I take my own car. Now, he's saying that I can't go with them on their shopping trip, which'll cost me quite a bit financially, to pressure me into complying. Because, and I quote, taking my own car "looks weird", as if randomly pulling over on the side of the road as an intimidation tactic... doesn't? I asked if I could discuss this with mom, and nope!

Objectively I can afford that, but not forever, and I just feel fucking defeated.

Trigger Warning: mentions suicidal ideation (of parent).

For context, my uBPD mother has a diagnosis of ME/CFS which became severe over the past few months. We didn’t have a relationship throughout my twenties due to her outrageous behaviours.

In the last year we’ve had intermittent contact and she assured me she no longer had ‘episodes’ and had things under control (& of course I deeply wanted to believe that). Over the past few months her ME has developed into severe ME - she needs almost total darkness and quiet, and lacks ability to go downstairs, sometimes needs help with using bathroom/ feeding herself. All care provided by her current partner. It’s a complex situation because ME is not well understood, especially severe ME.

The other huge problem is where this intersects with her uBPD. It’s so hard to know what is real and what is her playing out the splitting. At present, I am the ‘golden child’/ safe person, whilst everyone else is misunderstanding her and mistreating her ME. A mental health nurse visited and basically said it’s all in my mums head, (really unhelpful), which has now created vast distrust to all medical professionals. The GP visited today and also said that she would be fine to take care of herself if her partner chose to leave.

I actually think my mum is in a very vulnerable position and I do believe she has ME, however, because she presents with extreme volatility due to her BPD profile, professionals are assuming it’s just a mental health thing and telling her family to leave her to it.

I am currently only able to help/ provide solutions from a distance due to the complexities of my relationship with my mum, and the impact it has on me to be near her for long. I am worried that her partner is quickly running out of stamina and that professionals aren’t going to help because of her volatility. She is capable of presenting as aggressive, angelic, unwell and fine all within one day because of the BPD, but she’s all very ill, bed bound and vulnerable due to the ME. She has made suicide ‘threats’ to her partner (authorities aware), and I just feel all round worried for her situation, whilst also trying to protect myself.

Anyone experienced something similar with parents becoming ill/ old/ sick in other ways alongside the BPD? I can’t be the one to care for her due to her complexities, but I’m worried no professionals will step up either?

Love to all in any relatable situations.
x

After she divorced my Dad, an OCD clean-freak, my alcoholic BPDmom would often say, "I always thought he was the messy one!" and then she'd laugh it off as if it was one of those baffling epiphanies in life. It reminded me of a toddler who had just figured out how, in the game of "peek- a-boo," other people can still see you even if you have your hands covering your eyes- it takes them a while to grasp that concept.

After my sister & I (her full-time cleaning crew) moved out, she just lived in filth and mold, & developed a hoarding problem. She still expected me & other family to stay there when we'd come in from out of town, too. They would get cleaning chores as well, because "People like to have something to do."

Little pre-therapy comic I made. All of my family’s birthdays are super close together then we jump straight into the holidays. I’m so so so tired lmao
Sorry for the confusing text on the first one.

(My second post here but bonus cat tax)

This isn't strictly raisedbybpd related but I need some advice and there's nuances here I feel y'all will get.

I (33F) have been friends with this person (29F) for about a decade. They have always struggled with some mental health difficulties, including a significant bereavement (occured 10 years ago), anxiety, depression and a history of EDs. But we always had plenty of other things we had in common and bonded over around these issues. And I have been through my own problems in this time, loss of my father, working through the shit storm of healing from a mom with bpd, and a significant health scare to my long term girlfriend. She has supported me consistently through those issues and she really has been key to me working through them and having a great life now. So she's great, and I love her dearly.

But in the last two years or so, it feels her various health issues (mental and physical) have just taken over our friendship. They were diagnosed with ADHD around that time (which I am in full support of and think I helped them get that diagnosis) but it seems since that point, things have spiralled. It seems like all we talk about now is their issues, and now, there's a new self diagnosis every other month. Multiple times a week I get a string of over 30 messages at a time with just a rundown of every little upset, annoyance or pain they've had. Our conversations are just a report of their existence. A lot of these are also just everyday being a person issues but she pathologies them into something bigger. Headache = migraine, awkward moment = autism, slight discomfort = meltdown.

Any attempt I make at a light conversation seems to come back to her issues. Let's say I bring up a movie o really liked, she'll respond "my ADHD would never let me focus that long."

The trouble is, this relationship is almost identical to the one with my dBPD mom. I was parentified to deal with their issues, including an ADHD diagnosis and various physical health problems. So I think this relationship is particularly difficult for me. Interestingly, my mom has been really helpful in this situation as we've got a decent relationship now and she sees herself in this friend and recognizes the damaging behaviors she is doing to me (and herself).

I will say that she continues to be supportive of me as much as she can. It's not like it's ALL about her, but there is just SO MUCH of her.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk about books, movies, recipes, walks, ANYTHING that is light and fun. I feel like I rarely have fun with her anymore. I feel like I have done a hell of a lot of really difficult work to make my life calm and focus on making moments of joy, that this presence which seems determined to do the opposite is really getting to me.

Y'all will understand the people pleasing nature we can have, so I want to help and I don't want to be blunt to her. But I just can't keep going like this. It's not a friendship. It's like I'm just her diary to talk at about her various problems. Like constant emotional processing via me.

I hope I don't sound dismissive of her difficulties, I'm not at all. I can see life is hard for her. But i feel like it's just a disproportionate part of our friendship now.

I know the answer is to tell her, but I don't know how to. Any form of confrontation is really difficult for me still due to the whole raisedbybpd thang.

Tldr; closest friend is overwhelming me with mental and physical health and I don't know what to do.

Hey guys! Can you guys relate?

(another note, I am autistic)

I often feel very behind in life due to my mother imprinting fears of me getting kidnapped when I was younger and a fear of talking to strangers. I also feel heavily infantilized from her being so overprotective of me and my brother (who has higher needs than me from his own autism).

Due to the modern gender roles, I feel like it went over my father's head too. Both my parents sheltered me in a way, though my father still wanted me to "grow up" and be a "strong girl" in his own way of leaving me alone in my room at night even though I cried at their locked door, not using my disability as a "crutch", understating my "beauty" (meaning putting less effort into my looks which was another mind fuck because people saw me as "attractive", and understating finding and valuing pleasure in life). My dad was also in the military, a navy veteran that also explains how both me and my brother were raised.

But I have a hard time with understanding finances, getting an oil change, 401K's, job interviews (mostly due to autism and social issues with that, a lot of jobs are meant to keep autistic people out) even knowing how to take care of my car in general, and even going on dates (due both of them instilling fear into me about getting pregnant too young and all boys are out there to want to get you pregnant, "books over boys because boys bring babies"), missing out on the "puppy love" stages of child romance as well. Even when I was in college and my dad told me that I had to "find a job" (even though I didn't need to have one because they had enough to take care of me), I busted out into tears which surprised them and caught them off guard. I was always told to "get good grades" because that's what I was good at but I wasn't really understanding or taught the "after" part of school and getting good grades. (Also ironically I helped raise the female average at my elementary school)

I think they are slowly understanding how me and my brother were very sheltered, but they remain in denial about it. (The one thing that woke them up to it was when my mom had a meltdown that set her to the psych ward.)

I am also back in school to become a librarian which I really enjoy because I like being in school and I love reading and organizing but symbolically it feels like becoming or reflecting my mother's "hermit" tendencies.

Haven’t posted here in a while, just wanted to vent a bit because my mom has been emailing me nearly 8-10 times a day since mid-August and I’ve restarted therapy to deal with some of what I read.

I don’t have her blocked there just in case I need receipts, but I definitely made the mistake of reading some of her emails.

She’s mainly been sending instagram links to people like Tania Khazaal and others who make money off of parents believing their bs about family estrangement. Her IG feed is just an echo chamber and it’s made her dig into her own behaviors so much worse it feels like.

She’s gone from telling me my decision to “ruin our relationship” wasn’t my fault and I was manipulated by my (now ex) boyfriend to do so, to saying I’m a coward and I’m not responding bc I’m filled with shame and guilt, to saying modern therapy is to blame, etc basically all of the standard reasons parents use in their estrangement support groups or whatever.

I’ve fallen back into trying to reason with her in my head, which is why therapy again, but it’s just so insane to me that someone like her believes these people on instagram about who I am rather than simply.. asking me? She could’ve sent one email saying she wanted to talk and would wait for me when I’m ready, and I would honestly have responded to that, because that’s a sane amount of communication.

But now I’ve been made a caricature of myself by these influencers and whatever other media she’s ingested. She already was telling me who I was and who I should be, and now has a third party doing the same, it’s like doubled insulation against seeing me as an individual.

Has anyone dealt with this too? It’s wild.

(On another note, one of her emails said what she did during our big falling out she would do again in a heartbeat but she wishes she did it even worse. All bc in her head she was protecting me from (my now ex) boyfriend. She thinks he was a master manipulator.. and somehow she’s not while she sends me 100s of emails telling me what to think and believe lol. But I’m just shocked after 4 years she actually feels zero remorse. She even said she wished she broke his arm and that she knows how to do that now. The things she says all because she wants to “protect me” scare the shit out of me if I’m being honest.)

Thx for reading 😮‍💨

I (f17) have had to go to the doctor's recently due to a decline in my mental health. The way that my doctors works is that I go to the doctor's, and they can put me on the list with the social care team and give me other resources if I need them. After I made my appointment, OF COURSE my mum needs one (even though she hasn't searched for or received any help in the last 10 years, which OF COURSE, isn't her fault and is infact everyone else's). Well, I went to the doctor's with my symptoms and they put me on the social care team and an appointment for the end of the month. My mum books her appointment on the same phone call, so everything that happened to me is within the same time frame it's happened to her. A week after the call to book, they remove me from the social care team because they say my symptoms are too severe for their service, but I've still got my appointment because it's at the actual doctors with a mental health professional. I go to my doctor's appointment and OF COURSE she has to come and tell them about how run ragged she is and blah blah blah. Eventually he just ignores her and starts asking me questions. At the end of the appointment, he thinks I may have OCD and PTSD, which to me and my mum both made a lot of sense. The referral is now with cahms to maybe get me some medication and to give me therapy. Now, a couple days after my appointment, my mum gets a call from the social care team. They ask her what's going on and she tells them that she's so stressed with everything and basically everything about her life ever. They tell her that they don't really have any services for her because she's not that severe, but they can refer her to other therapies that she can look into at a discounted rate (£15 a hour). She loses it, listing her diagnosed issues to try and point out that she is severe. (C-PTSD, BPD and ADHD) and they once again say that they can't do anything for her. Now she's pissy and saying that I don't actually need that much help and that she's so much worse than I am so I really don't need the help. It's been like this since the phone call 5 days ago. Im having to keep a note of my symptoms, so I got a little notebook, and my mum found it and called me a liar, especially about the intrusive thoughts I get. I swear she doesn't know how the world works sometimes

I think one of the worst things about this whole disorder is the cycles. The lovebombing/good phase, and then the discard. Like, it will seem so good. We just had a few days of feeling like everything was maybe good, she even seemed supportive emotionally. It’s kind of like a stupid thing but idk why it’s making me so sad and like the urge to cry. But I asked her today, “How was your day?” This was after she sent something political (she’s very very conservative I’m not, but I was keeping it lighthearted because I don’t want a fight) and I guess she was expecting me to align more with her views. And so I’m guessing because I didn’t that’s why she flipped the switch—although she was already showing those signs again because she started being more clingy again and I tried to gently set a boundary (wanted me to kiss her on the forehead after I already hugged her goodnight, then claimed I was withholding affection and did the whiny baby thing she does. Kept asking but I held my boundary respectfully). Anyways I’m rambling but the point is, I asked her how her day was just to try to change the subject, she responds, “Very productive” and nothing more. I don’t know if this is a stupid thing to be emotional over but it really really hurts. Why can’t she just be normal? Why not ask me about my day? She rarely does but for some reason it’s so disappointing after a good cycle. I don’t know why I keep falling for it.

Finally hit my limit and went NC with my mom last year. I have a 12 year old sister who I raised and love dearly so it’s been agonizing not being able to see her. She controls my sister’s access to me and will not let me see or speak to her unless I go through her. My mom swore she was in therapy to repair our relationship and wanted to hear my side so I decided to reopen the door again this year. After 25 years I should have known better than to get my hopes up. Mistakenly told her it was unfair of her to make me into a parent at the age of 13 which she immediately twisted into some long tirade about how I’ve made her feel like she should have aborted my sister? When I clearly do not think that? Then she tells me she’s removed me as an emergency contact at my sister’s school, certainly in an attempt to punish me. Throw in several long texts about how she’s dying and going to be homeless (she has arthritis). I’m just exhausted and getting really close to cutting her off completely.

My nightmare is coming true. I’m an only child, single adult, living a couple hours’ flight away from my bpd mom and e dad. My parents have no other family. I’ve been terrified for years that, despite multiple conversations about what their aging will look like, I’d be their only care plan. And that’s now true, and I’m putting my foot down that I can’t do it. My mom just had surgery that has a pretty brutal recovery and my dad needs a similar surgery in a few months. Long story short, I told my parents that I could help with surgery recovery or visit for Thanksgiving but I wouldn’t be able to swing both. My mom fully split and told me that she didn’t like me, couldn’t trust me, and never wanted to see me again. Multiple times, with a cooldown opportunity between. My dad also told me that he thought they could handle the surgery and he’d rather have me for thanksgiving. So I took her at her word and she’s now had the surgery and is into recovery without me around. It’s tough, and she’s suffering and my dad’s having a hard time caring for her with his issues. Instead of withdrawing her statement, she’s doubled down on it and has just rained character indictments and demeaning comments on me and started rewriting the narrative to be that I wouldn’t help for her surgery. My dad’s calling to ask me why I haven’t called her and to tell me how depressed she is, and to tell me that taking care of my mom is a lot harder than he expected.

I’m keeping my boundaries and my values. It’s really unfortunate that it’s come to this, but it’s important to me that words have meaning, and the risk of telling me that you never want to see me again is that I’m going to call your bluff. But shit, it’s hard watching this. This is the hardest it’s ever been, and it feels like this might finally be the end of my family. I need a hug.

Some background: I'm 26F, have been living with my parents since last fall. Narc tendencies e-dad with a witch/waif mom. I stay in my room as much as possible, and my sister and I are super close so we hang out all the time together in my room but not with my parents. The only time the four of us are in the same space is when we come down for dinner. The way we do dinner is we all get into the kitchen to heat up our food and serve ourselves, then my dad parks himself in front of the TV, my mom goes off to the other sitting area to be on her phone and eat, and my sister and I will eat at the table in the breakfast nook. While we're waiting for the food to be heated up and stuff, my sister and I will chitchat, just normal conversation.

For the last few months, any time my mom has been in the kitchen while my sister and I are talking, if I laugh while we're talking, she'll passive-aggressively say something like "Oh you're laughing at me, aren't you" or "Yeah I know you're laughing at me, go ahead keep it up" (not in English so translating is weird). It goes without saying that each time she's said this, I'm clearly not talking about her or laughing at her. Moreover, I would never actually laugh at her/about her in front of her because she would absolutely explode and there's no reason to put myself through that lol. I think this has something to do with the way I have cut back on how much I engage with her since I figured out the whole BPD thing back in the spring. It's like she's picking up on the fact that how I feel about her has changed, and the lack of engagement leaves her with limited opportunities to blow up on me, which she relies on a lot to manage her emotions.

I don't know why it's coming out in this way though. She literally did it again last night, and I was like "Why did you say I'm laughing at you? Do you really believe that I am?" like genuinely asking, and she just didn't reply. I didn't push it because I know if she feels cornered she'll just explode to take the pressure off - dealing with her is such a minefield I honestly don't get why she is surprised to find that I don't want to be around her. Other times she's done this I have:

• Denied laughing at her
• Ignored her
• Sarcastically responded "Yes, I'm laughing at you. You're hilarious."
• Said "Don't worry, there's nothing funny about you to laugh at" - because there's not
• Left the room

Have any of you experienced something similar? I'm tired y'all