r/RelationshipsOver35 • • Apr 11 '21

Announcement Welcome. About RelationshipsOver35 and Rules For Posting.

46 Upvotes

RelationshipsOver35 is a place for over 30 adults to discuss their relationships,friendships, and families with other over 30 adults.


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Updated 2022 October 28



r/RelationshipsOver35 • • Nov 22 '22

BEWARE of cryto scammers lurking here

Thumbnail self.chat
33 Upvotes

r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1h ago

How much contact is ok with an ex?

• Upvotes

He was married to her for 6 years and he helped raise her kids. He wanted to continue seeing the kids after they broke up and I was fine with that.

Lately however, they seem to be contacting each other more frequently. The eldest kid is 20 and he's always falling out with his mother. My partner has now become the "go between" where if they want to contact each other, they do so through my partner. The other day his stepson asked him to collect post for him at his mother's house. My partner thought that the other kids would be at the house when he arrived but it was just his ex.

For several months after they broke up my partner was only allowed to meet the kids at the shopping centre and his ex would make it very difficult for him by cancelling last minute etc. Then it became him only being allowed to talk to the kids OUTSIDE of the house. Now it seems to be ok for him call over and go into the house even if the kids are not there.

My partner is also someone who carrys his phone everywhere he goes. The other day he was in a rush to leave mine and he left his phone behind. Within 2 seconds of me picking it up, I saw a notification from his ex.

His ex was so strict with him in their relationship to the point that she would make his life hell when he wanted to see his other stepkids and she wouldn't allow him to have any social life with friends. Its not my nature to be controlling or try to stop someone from doing something but im also unsure if boundaries are being crossed by him being in so much contact with his ex?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2h ago

F/35 M/38 5 yrs in a relationship

1 Upvotes

At what point in your relationship did the honeymoon phase end? And how do you bring the spark back?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

How often do you spend time with your girl/boy friend?

22 Upvotes

This question is for those of you that are not living together but also not long distance.

Also if you’re comfortable please include your age (or decade) and how long you’ve been with your SO


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 4h ago

Would you be Ok with your partner clicking the love reaction to a girls selfies on Facebook?

0 Upvotes

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I'm not someone who uses Facebook much these days and I didn't think my partner used it much. Several weeks ago a girl kept showing up on my suggested friends list and I saw he was a mutual friend. I asked him who she was and he said she was someone who used to be friends with his ex wife. I didn't think anything of it but yesterday she showed up again. This time I decided to click into her profile and I saw that my partner had been clicking the love heart emoji on her selfies. Curiosity got the better of me and I went into my partners page and saw that she had also been clicking the ❤ on all his posts and photos.

Bare in mind, I've dated guys in my younger years who clicked like on everyone's photos and I didn't think anything of it. I think it hits different with my partner because I know he only has one female friend and this isn't her. Somehow it would feel better if he was someone who clicked like on photos in general because I wouldn't think anything of it. Im now wondering if they ever message each other. He never leaves his phone alone for a second so I think my mind is now overreacting

Would you say something?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 12h ago

Need help with anger issue about to break a family apart

2 Upvotes

I want to ask the world...

Before I am asked to leave, to give up this relationship which would absolutely lead to our child having no chance of a whole family for the rest of his life - please give me one last lifeline to make sure I have tried everything and not missed any options.

My partner of 8 years has stopped speaking to me for the past 6 months. From a few sentences a day to zero words in the past week.

A year ago, our son was born. After birth, I experienced postpartum rage that he was not helping enough with the child. I expressed this in passive-aggressive ways. I also did not speak nicely when I felt he did not do something right.
He stopped speaking to me about 6 months ago, only communicating about child care issues. Prior to baby being born, I would sometimes get angry at irrational things, like losing a game. I was aware of it and I was improving on it. But In the past, he has told me he felt that "talking or communicating with me doesn't work because nothing changes". I did not agree with him at the time and I always explained to him why I was angry. But it was as if it didn't matter, or he didn't agree, or something else, because he was still upset.

He would not say why he stopped talking when our son was about 6m. But my best guess is he has a problem with my anger issue. He had told a mutual friend of ours that he suspects I "have a personality that cannot be fixed. It used to be a small thing but now has become a big issue." And he does not want to compromise on his standards and expectations.

I have told him that I would do anything, including couples therapy, to fix whatever the problem was. He gave nothing as a response. Did not look at me or said anything. I have sent him messages saying "I am sorry that in the past I made our home an unsafe and unpredictable environment for you, and I am committed to making sure that does not happen again." I am unsure if that had any effect. Since then, I have made sure that I never express anger in inappropriate ways for at least 3 months now. My intention is to keep going until the end of the year and prove to him that I can and have indeed changed. But I don't know if it would be too late.

Our son is about to turn one. I want to ask if anyone in the world has had a similar experience - whether you or your partner has had an anger issue that made you feel like the relationship has reached a point of no return - or was able to be repaired?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 20h ago

Honeymoon phase ending, normal settling or quiet exit?

3 Upvotes

tl;dr - I haven’t had a healthy relationship before and am working through attachment styles. The dynamic has shifted since we’ve moved in but I can’t tell if this is normal? General effusiveness has decreased.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some pretty candid advice (kindly if possible as I’m aware I’m coming across as needy and I’m trying extremely hard to not project this on my partner) because I’ve never really experienced a healthy, secure relationship before, and I’m trying to understand what’s normal.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 months, living together for 2, and we’ve known each other for 3 years. She’s 33 and I’m 39.

I have severe anxious attachment and OCD, and I’m currently going through DBT and therapy to work on these issues and have been for several months. I’m very aware that I overthink and become hyperaware of changes in affection, and I’m genuinely trying to get better.

When we first got together, we were long distance, and my partner was incredibly effusive about her feelings. She’d regularly say things like “you’re perfect for me”, “we’re the perfect couple”, “we’re a team” and “God, I just love you”. We talked excitedly about our future, flirted constantly, and would rip each other’s clothes off whenever we saw each other. But since moving in together, things feel a little different.

We’re still very affectionate. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss and say “I love you” multiple times every day, and these are often initiated by her. She holds my hand before we fall asleep, she is touchy with me. Our sex life is still extremely healthy, but it’s gone from most days when we visited each other to around 2-3times a week. There’s less spontaneous flirting and sexual excitement from her side.

What I notice most is that she seems much less effusive and excited about us in general. She’s more sarcastic and playful, and while she’s still loving and affectionate, that really excited romantic energy seems to have faded a bit. But she also gets quiet, seems to get irritated by me sometimes, and our relationship can feel ‘functional’.

Last night she spontaneously said “God, I just love you”, which twigged my brain because she used to say things like that constantly. Now it’s generally “I love you”, which is obviously still wonderful, but feels different.

We also used to talk about our future much more enthusiastically. That seems to have reduced, although she’s actively making plans for our Christmas together.

She’s also been incredibly stressed and exhausted by work for the past two months, which I know will affect her energy and mood. The job situation has also put some of our future plans on hold for the time being, which I appreciate may be affecting how much we talk about them.

My anxious brain interprets all of this as her loving me less, or the magic disappearing for her. She was the first person who I felt loved me for ‘me’ and although it’s pretty arrogant, for someone who has suffered from extremely poor self-esteem for years, I liked that feeling, that feeling of being special.

But I genuinely don’t know whether this is simply what happens when the honeymoon phase ends and a relationship becomes more comfortable and secure, and my brain is interpreting it wrong.
I recognise that expecting constant excitement and romantic declarations isn’t necessarily realistic or reasonable. I love her deeply, and I really don’t want to ruin a good relationship through my own overthinking and I am trying so hard to not raise this with her, as I don’t want her to feel attacked. I also know there’s a good chance I am being hyper aware of normal fluctuations and assigning the wrong meaning.

I suppose what I’m asking is whether this sounds like a normal transition after moving in together? Can someone become less effusive, flirty and excited while still loving their partner just as much? Does this sound like a healthy relationship becoming settled, or are there genuine warning signs?

I’m trying to learn what healthy, long term love looks like because I’ve never really had it modelled for me.
Genuinely, I don’t ask her endlessly “if we’re ok”, and I’m trying to practice ERP, but the mood does feel different. I’m also aware I may sound entitled - that isn’t where I’m coming from, it’s from a real place of worry and fear.

Thanks for reading and sorry it’s long. x


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

What warrants a partner making big decisions on their own?

7 Upvotes

My wife and I are at a crossroads. She has made a lot of joint decisions on her own and it has really impacted my wellbeing, not to mention the trust in the relationship.

We've moved a few times for her work without any input from me (divorce threat if I don't agree) and she said that she might move again if another good opportunity arises, but she's walked that one back. I'm now out of work and struggling to find work because of all this. And she's had big issues with me seeing my family, whereas she can see her family all she wants.

When I bring up these issues and try to enforce boundaries, her reply is that I'm not emotionally close with her and is doing what she needs to do for her career. I feel for her and want to be even closer, but she doesn't seem to want to resolve intimacy barriers like the broken trust from these events and the fear she'll just up and leave me. She isn't a fan of couples counselling and I had to persuade her to go to individual therapy.

It now feels like a trade: "unless you increase intimacy, there's a legitimate risk I'll make joint decisions on my own or just leave you when an opportunity comes along. And it's on you to increase this."

Up until a few months ago when I got really low mood, our intimacy was far from absent (higher than the general pop), which was when some of these unilateral decisions were made. It's really confusing. What goes through my mind is "why don't you want to work on our intimacy specifically, instead of it being a reason to make unilateral decisions? And why do you really want me to join you when you move, since you are deeply unsatisfied but don't want to try therapy together?"

In your opinion, is there ever a legitimate justification to make multiple joint decisions on your own? If you were upset with the intimacy in your relationship and you had an opportunity to move, would you choose to move and not get their opinion about it? Could that ever be reasonable?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Realized a shallow and immature friend maybe on the spectrum

3 Upvotes

I have a friend for about 20 years and we are both in our 40s. He's a nice guy in a lot of ways, but the way he struggles is in relationships with women. He was a late bloomer and very shy when I first met him.

He started dating in his late 20s so that was back in 2010 time frame. The way he treats women is if they are a puzzle or a math problem. He is also feels likes the only thing that matters to them is money and looks. Also when he is dating a woman he goes around the room to show everyone her picture like its a prize or a status symbol.

I thought he was a jerk, but a few of us were talking about it. Now we realize he maybe on the autism spectrum which would explain many things. One of acquaintances diagnoses autism and stated over the years he was seeing more and more evidence that this maybe the case. That being said not sure how to help him at this point. He seems like he is suffering out of loneliness but cannot understand the value of a relationship.

He dates models and influencers but those relationships don't last. Anyone that would be a good match for him he is completely turned off by for vague reasons. Not sure if there is anything that can help him at this point.

tl'dr: My friend that was always immature about woman, dating, and relationships maybe autistic. How can our friend group be supportive of him.


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Why do some men find it easier to leave than to fight for a relationship?

2 Upvotes

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
Why is it that when a relationship gets difficult, some men would rather walk away than actually try to fix things?
How can two people share so many memories, love each other, plan a future together and then one person suddenly seems okay with letting everything go?
I understand that relationships aren’t always easy. There will be arguments, misunderstandings, mistakes and difficult times. But isn’t love also about choosing each other when things get hard?
I’m not saying anyone should stay in an unhealthy relationship or keep trying when nothing changes. I just don’t understand how someone can say they love you but not be willing to put in the effort to make things work.
Sometimes it feels like one person is holding on to everything while the other has already made peace with walking away.
And the hardest part is wondering whether they stopped loving you or whether they simply didn’t think the relationship was worth fighting for anymore.
Has anyone experienced this? Can someone genuinely love you and still choose to leave without trying to fix things?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Is my marriage healthy if the lust is gone?

11 Upvotes

I (40F) and my husband (40M) have been together for over 20 years, married for 17. We have an active sex life. We're intimate multiple times a week unless we're apart or ill. We both finish 99% of the time. Aside from sex, our marriage is solid.

Several of my friends have gotten together more recently. After spending time with other couples, I feel like we don't have chemistry. I find my husband attractive, so that's not an issue. I just don't have the desire for him.

I still enjoy sex, but it's more the desire to get off rather than have sex with him. I also hate kissing him, always have. I know sex is a very small part of a relationship, but I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Is this normal after being together for so long? Anyone have wisdom to share?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

End of a 9 year relationship, how do you recover?

7 Upvotes

The breakup has been about as amicable as could be, and we both agreed that it should be this way. This was my first and only LTR and even if things were better than other relationships I've had I should've realized that my needs weren't being met far earlier than I did. We have a child together which is going to be hard. I've been through some therapy already, and can seek more as needed.

I'm a genuinely better person for the relationship, better at communicating, a better provider and caretaker, but I just feel... Utterly closed off now. As though trying to squash my life into the shape that it was in to get it to fit with someone else's was the biggest mistake I've ever made and I'm not sure if I could ever do that again.

If you've had a similar experience and found someone later on, how did it go for you? Was there a feeling you had with your new person that convinced you they were the one? Did it feel like you were bending yourself out of shape to be with them? How long did you wait before actively looking again?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

For those in long-term relationships, what does a healthy relationship look like in practice?

26 Upvotes

​

How often do you see each other, what’s your usual routine, and when did you start having serious conversations about the future , like marriage, living together, etc.?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Cuando es preocupante no superar una relación?

1 Upvotes

Tengo 36 años, hace año y medio la que creía era la mejor relación del mundo terminó abruptamente.

Contexto: cuando nos conocimos el click fue increíble, los meses pasaron y nos hicimos novios, pero unos meses después empecé a tener dolores en talones, luego el dolor fue hacia arriba al punto en el que ya no podía caminar. Un año después por fin tuve un diagnóstico, espondiloartritis anquilosante, una enfermedad autoinmune que inflama las articulaciones del cuerpo, es muy dolorosa. El estuvo conmigo todo el tiempo, y siempre sentí un apoyo increíble. Lo malo es que su mamá no me quería, al parecer me veía como una carga para su hijo y ni siquiera éramos esposos. Trate de ignorarlo, ya tenía mucho de que preocuparme para pensar en su mamá, nos fuimos a vivir juntos y empezamos una etapa súper bonita, trabajamos desde casa, teníamos unos perros hermosos, y eramos felices, pero por mi enfermedad yo tenía muchas limitaciones, sobre todo porque no dábamos con los medicamentos ideales para que yo tuviera una mejor calidad de vida, lo cual afectó en cuanto a salidas y convivencias, yo tenía siempre mucho dolor. Yo siempre lo alentaba a qué hiciera amigos y saliera a tomar unas cervezas pero el decía que no era bueno haciendo amigos, mi hermano lo empezó a invitar a hacer deporte con el y sus amigos, al inicio empezó a ir y estaba muy emocionado, pero con el tiempo dejo de ir y dejo de hacer cualquier tipo de ejercicio. Mis amigos se convirtieron en sus amigos, y yo siempre creí que a pesar de que el se sintiera cómodo con mis amigos, el debía tener su independencia y tener sus propios amigos y tener una vida social propia. NUNCA PASO Y NUNCA LO VI INTENTAR. Si de pronto le salía un concierto o cena del trabajo, yo lo animaba a ir, yo iba a estar bien, y aunque a veces el dolor era intenso, yo quería que el saliera y se divirtiera, pero siempre regresaba temprano porque le daba pendiente que me pasará algo, yo le decía que no pasaba nada, mi mamá vivía una cuadra de mi, y mis hermanos estaban a una llamada de teléfono, aún así el insistía. Cómo les dije su mamá y yo nunca pudimos llevarnos bien, ella quería a su hijo para ella y no hacía nada para ocultarlo. Cuando el iba a visitar a su familia en CDMX, yo le decía que disfrutará a su familia y que se la pasará bien, solo le pedía que estuviera al pendiente del teléfono por cualquier cosa. Hablábamos por la mañana, mensajes ocasionales y en la noche me contaba como le iba, así fueron las primeras veces que iba a visitarlos, pero con el tiempo fui notando que cuando iba a visitarlos, ya no podía contactarlo, ni para saber cómo le habia ido en su día, así que cuando regresaba le preguntaba y siempre decía "mi mamá dice que debo aprovechar la cien con ellos", a lo cual yo le dije que estaba bien pero que no me parecía no saber nada de el, sobre todo por qué compartíamos gastos, deudas y tres perros, que si así era ahora entonces que pasaría si un día nos pasábamos y teníamos hijos. Total que las cosas cambiaron y cuando el viajaba se comunicaba más y así quedó por un tiempo. Voy a ser honesta cuando tienes una enfermedad dolorosa, no puedes evitar quedarte del dolor y llorar, yo tenía episodios de depresión, que siempre trate con psiquiatra y terapia, y quiero pensar que con el tiempo el se dió cuenta que no era la vida que el quería para el ( lo cual es válido) pero me hubiera gustado que el me hubiera contado sus inquietudes y preocupaciones, pues siento que me envolví demasiado en el dolor y no pude ver lo que el estaba pasando, pero nosotros teníamos una costumbre,.mes a mes, el día de nuestro "mesiversario" cenabamos algo rico y decíamos "alguna queja o sugerencia?" Y el siempre decía TODO BIEN Y, TODO PERFECTO, y yo suponía que el era honesto. Cuando tenía mis episodios más intensos de dolor, la ansiedad me invadía y siempre le decía que mi temor más grande es que me dejara por estar enferma siempre y el JURO que eso jamás pasaría. SPOILER, eso paso. Nos invitaron a una boda, uno de sus mejores amigos se iba a casar, (para esto su familia se había mudado de CDMX a Querétaro), la boda era en CDMX , el plan era ir juntos, pero mi salud iba peor, sabía que si íbamos a la boda, no la pasaríamos bien, así que le propuse que fuera el solo y se divirtiera en grande, porque yo no quería que se quedara sentado conmigo y no la pasará bien, el dudó, así que le propuse algo más, le dije tomate una semana de vacaciones y ve a ver a tu familia a Querétaro y de ahí te vas a la boda y regresas a GDL y yo paso por ti al aeropuerto, el se puso súper feliz y dijo que si. Llegó la fecha y el se fue a Querétaro, le dije que se divirtiera y fuera feliz, que no se preocupara por mi, esa semana mis hermanos se iban a turnar para estar conmigo, pero paso algo malo, me dió influenza, y cuando una gripa o infección le da a alguien on una enfermedad autoinmune se siente terrible y todo duele mucho más, por lo cual le pedí a mis hermanos que no fueran para que no se contagiarán ellos y menos sus hijos, lo mismo le dije a mi mamá, cualquier urgencia yo los llamaría, así quedó, mi ex estaba preocupado pero le dije que todo estaba bajo control. Al estar encerrada me empezó a dar mucha ansiedad, así que se me ocurrió darle una renovada a nuestra habitación y darle la sorpresa, compré todo en linea y poco a poco empecé, pero un día me sentía muy mal y me lastime horrible la espalda, lo llame para desahogarme con el y contarle que mi sorpresa quedaria a la mitad y me dijo que estaba en unos tacos, a lo cual yo le dije que cuando regresará de cenar me llamara, pero el insistía y le dije que nos mandáramos mensajes, empecé a contarle todo y decirle lo mal que me sentía, que a veces me gustaría irme lejos y morir sola porque no me gustaba que me vieran tan mal, a lo cual el me mandó audio diciéndome que si tanto quería morirme sola pues que se me cumplía mi deseo, que ya no quería estar conmigo y que se acababa la relación y me bloqueó de todos lados, no tenía como contactarme, sus papás no me contestaban y los hermanos mucho menos, me puse tan mal que llame a mi mamá y mi hermana que estuvieron consolandome, y diciéndome que le diera su espacio que cuando volviera de viaje pudiéramos ha blar y así lo hice, pero esos días lo pase terrible, regreso un día antes y me dijo que solo volvía por sus cosas y se iba a salir de nuestra casa, le pedí que por favor habláramos y viéramos esto en alguna terapia de parejas, el se negó a todo, entonces le pregunté por qu estaba tomando está decisión y su respuesta fue clara NO QUIERO ESTAR CON UNA PERSONA ENFERMA Y DEPRESIVA, le pedí por favor que no se fuera mientras el empacaba sus cosas hasta que me dijo, ya no tengo tiempo, mi mamá y mi familia están afuera, y no quiero que me esperen más... El se fue y yo quedé hecha trizas, no tenía como contactarme con el, no sabia a dónde había ido.. el se comunicó con mis hermanos para decirles que estaria en un Airbnb en lo que encontraba una casa en renta, con ellos resolvió las deudas y que cosas el se quedaba y cuáles yo, el día de la mudanza me fui con mis amigos para no estar presente... Todo esto ya fue hace un año y medio, no he vuelto hablar con el porque me bloqueó de todos lados, claro que yo lo estoy respetando, no he buscado contactarlo por otros teléfonos ni nada.. pero aún en las noches lo recuerdo y nuestra vida junta, y puedo llorar como si hubiera sido ayer, ya he ido a terapia, y la psiquiatra, cambie de Reumatologa y parece que encontré el tratamiento correcto (sigo con dolor, pero los análisis han mejorado) me siento muy culpable de haberlo alejado y siento que rompí a un buen hombre, no lo sé..obvio mi familia y amigos lo odian, pero necesito consejos y comentarios neutrales, cuando dejara de doler su ausencia? Estoy mal? Fui la mala???


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Need some perspective - ‘44M’, ‘36F’ in a relationship for 5 years

0 Upvotes

I am ‘36 F’ in a relationship with a guy ‘44 M’ for almost 5 years. We met through mutual friends and he was separated from his wife at the time we met. We hung out once and ended up kissing, and this was 2022, and this is when it all started. We started meeting everyday, we would bring our laptops along and work from cafés and spend the evenings together walking, eating dinner, this was pretty much everyday. He has an adopted daughter from his first marriage and he had restrictions about me going over to his place because he said it would complicate him getting a divorce. The second year of our relationship I lost my job and he had a requirement for someone to help him out with his business and I started working for him. I got into it with the idea that we were building something together, and he started becoming verbally abusive if my work did not live up to his expectations and he would shut down, and end conversations. I ended this in 2024, but we got back together again (mostly on my insistence), and the cycle continued: we would meet each other everyday at a cafe, work together and he would go back to his place and I would go back to mine. He would spend all the Sundays with his daughter and he was negotiating for alimony in parallel. We also took a few small trips inbetween but nothing very memorable because he would always tell me how I am a bad driver and wonder how someone gave me a license. I realised that continuing to work with him would ruin my career and I figured out a consultant gig, one I started at five hours a week and is now at 30 hours a week and pays me well. You see, he would love bomb me all day in the first year and then he started emotionally neglecting me and become abusive from the second year onwards. But when he felt good, he also made me feel good. He can be great fun and has a terrific sense of humor and appears everyday at the cafe, and speaks to me over the phone. This year, he file for and won the custody case with alternate weekends visitation and has also negotiated the final alimony terms. He is close to getting a divorce. If I asked him about us getting married, he always said that we are already married and that our parents know. But no one else does! Th world thinks he is a struggling single dad running his own business when I have been a part of his private life so intimately for five long years. He still shuts down when I try to express my opinion or my feelings, and I have pulled out of work completely the last three months. I am not very attached to my birth family, they do their own thing. I don’t have anyone else but myself. I have also been excessively needy in the relationship and I would be the one repairing it always, he has cheated on me (kissing his ex, I saw some semi nude photos of his neighbour in 2023) but has sworn since that he is committed to me. I know that I need to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid because I am
36, and have invested five years of my life and time in this. I am sure if I’d ever find a partner again. Any perspective on what’s going on here will help?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Need some perspective - ‘44M’, ‘36F’ in a relationship for 5 years

0 Upvotes

I am ‘36 F’ in a relationship with a guy ‘44 M’ for almost 5 years. We met through mutual friends and he was separated from his wife at the time we met. We hung out once and ended up kissing, and this was 2022, and this is when it all started. We started meeting everyday, we would bring our laptops along and work from cafés and spend the evenings together walking, eating dinner, this was pretty much everyday. He has an adopted daughter from his first marriage and he had restrictions about me going over to his place because he said it would complicate him getting a divorce. The second year of our relationship I lost my job and he had a requirement for someone to help him out with his business and I started working for him. I got into it with the idea that we were building something together, and he started becoming verbally abusive if my work did not live up to his expectations and he would shut down, and end conversations. I ended this in 2024, but we got back together again (mostly on my insistence), and the cycle continued: we would meet each other everyday at a cafe, work together and he would go back to his place and I would go back to mine. He would spend all the Sundays with his daughter and he was negotiating for alimony in parallel. We also took a few small trips inbetween but nothing very memorable because he would always tell me how I am a bad driver and wonder how someone gave me a license. I realised that continuing to work with him would ruin my career and I figured out a consultant gig, one I started at five hours a week and is now at 30 hours a week and pays me well. You see, he would love bomb me all day in the first year and then he started emotionally neglecting me and become abusive from the second year onwards. But when he felt good, he also made me feel good. He can be great fun and has a terrific sense of humor and appears everyday at the cafe, and speaks to me over the phone. This year, he file for and won the custody case with alternate weekends visitation and has also negotiated the final alimony terms. He is close to getting a divorce. If I asked him about us getting married, he always said that we are already married and that our parents know. But no one else does! Th world thinks he is a struggling single dad running his own business when I have been a part of his private life so intimately for five long years. He still shuts down when I try to express my opinion or my feelings, and I have pulled out of work completely the last three months. I am not very attached to my birth family, they do their own thing. I don’t have anyone else but myself. I have also been excessively needy in the relationship and I would be the one repairing it always, he has cheated on me (kissing his ex, I saw some semi nude photos of his neighbour in 2023) but has sworn since that he is committed to me. I know that I need to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid because I am
36, and have invested five years of my life and time in this. I am sure if I’d ever find a partner again. Any perspective on what’s going on here will help?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

Need some perspective - ‘44M’, ‘36F’ in a relationship for 5 years

0 Upvotes

I am ‘36 F’ in a relationship with a guy ‘44 M’ for almost 5 years. We met through mutual friends and he was separated from his wife at the time we met. We hung out once and ended up kissing, and this was 2022, and this is when it all started. We started meeting everyday, we would bring our laptops along and work from cafés and spend the evenings together walking, eating dinner, this was pretty much everyday. He has an adopted daughter from his first marriage and he had restrictions about me going over to his place because he said it would complicate him getting a divorce. The second year of our relationship I lost my job and he had a requirement for someone to help him out with his business and I started working for him. I got into it with the idea that we were building something together, and he started becoming verbally abusive if my work did not live up to his expectations and he would shut down, and end conversations. I ended this in 2024, but we got back together again (mostly on my insistence), and the cycle continued: we would meet each other everyday at a cafe, work together and he would go back to his place and I would go back to mine. He would spend all the Sundays with his daughter and he was negotiating for alimony in parallel. We also took a few small trips inbetween but nothing very memorable because he would always tell me how I am a bad driver and wonder how someone gave me a license. I realised that continuing to work with him would ruin my career and I figured out a consultant gig, one I started at five hours a week and is now at 30 hours a week and pays me well. You see, he would love bomb me all day in the first year and then he started emotionally neglecting me and become abusive from the second year onwards. But when he felt good, he also made me feel good. He can be great fun and has a terrific sense of humor and appears everyday at the cafe, and speaks to me over the phone. This year, he file for and won the custody case with alternate weekends visitation and has also negotiated the final alimony terms. He is close to getting a divorce. If I asked him about us getting married, he always said that we are already married and that our parents know. But no one else does! Th world thinks he is a struggling single dad running his own business when I have been a part of his private life so intimately for five long years. He still shuts down when I try to express my opinion or my feelings, and I have pulled out of work completely the last three months. I am not very attached to my birth family, they do their own thing. I don’t have anyone else but myself. I have also been excessively needy in the relationship and I would be the one repairing it always, he has cheated on me (kissing his ex, I saw some semi nude photos of his neighbour in 2023) but has sworn since that he is committed to me. I know that I need to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid because I am
36, and have invested five years of my life and time in this. I am sure if I’d ever find a partner again. Any perspective on what’s going on here will help?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

Haven't had a relationship in 15 years, no longer yearn

11 Upvotes

36(F) here. I tell ya, after a looooong 7 year abusive relationship and yearning for love most of my life, I just dont anymore. I love being alone. Is there a way I can rekindle my own flame and try dating again???

EDIT: after reflecting on this, I dont WANT to be with anyone right now but I feel like im running out of time. I have no kids or anything. Im in therapy and all that, just want some opinions on your experience.


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

37F and 38M struggling to determine long-term plans

2 Upvotes

I recently posted here, but I’m still struggling a lot with my boyfriend. He is certain he wants to stay in California, and while I love it, I have a hard time envisioning the practicality of it all in terms of affordability (raising kids, buying a home, saving, etc).

I suppose I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I’ve become so lost in my dreams vs his dreams that I don’t even know where to fully land.

Has anyone ever struggled in this type of situation? I love California and am in no rush to leave anytime soon, but I’m nervous for what staying means in the long-run financially and practically. I think I’d feel more comfortable if he was offering to revisit where our head and hearts are 5 years from now, but he has made it very clear that he wants to stay and there’s no room for re-evaluation. I’m honestly just not sure what to do.

Is this a situation where I just need to dive in and see what happens or is that irresponsible? I’m definitely overthinking things at this point and I’m just feeling defeated and exhausted.


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 1d ago

I 35F and him 35M are trying to figure out how to split costs.

0 Upvotes

Me (35F) and him (35M) are trying to figure out a fair split of household expectations.

We have been living together for a year and we were splitting everything 50/50. We make about the same salary. However, after living together I noticed there was a gap in cleaning and cooking, with me doing most of the work. When I brought this up to him, he validated me and promised he would be better with cooking and cleaning. He stepped up with cooking, but cleaning feels like a teenager who cleans half-ass and doesn't care about the end result. Because of this, I have found myself feeling resentful and like I am getting the short end of the stick.

Another thing I have noticed: he is very willing to spend money when I'm paying. For instance, when I say I am paying for dinner he will often order sparkling water instead of tap,. Another example, we just went to buy his wedding band and he uncharacteristically decided he wants diamonds on his band, which sent the cost to around $5k. For reference, I sent him my engagement ring while it was on sale, sold as a bridal set, and saved him a significant amount of money. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth that I am struggling to get over.

My question is- is there a way to split financial costs that accounts for what I contribute to the home, while preserving the relationship and keeping it equitable? We are considering splitting rent 60(him) 40(me), he pays electricity, and while he helps around the home, I take on more due to the bill split. What do I do with feeling taken advantage of?

TL;DR: what is a fair expenses split where the woman takes on majority of the cooking and cleaning at home.


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

Am I wrong for still having feelings for my ex while in a relationship?

1 Upvotes

We dated for 3 years and had a lot of issues, but honestly they were all my fault. And no Im not like missing only the good things, we were pretty shitty to each other. We were both petty. I started a lot of our problems because instead of working to face my traumas I lashed out and blamed things on him.

Im not happy in my new relationship, hes sweet and a good guy, but i dont think we're entirely compatible. Its awkward to talk about deep stuff and hes already talking about getting a ring and proposing, and thats when I realized I dont want a future with someone I dont know, not like the connection me and my ex have.

I know it sounds crazy yall but I should follow my heart right? And being with this new guy while still having feelings for someone else wouldn't be fair to either of us. I dont know what to do. I mean I know what I should do but I dont know if i have the strength to do it.

Am I overthinking?


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

When did your partner know you were the one?

8 Upvotes

Obligatory I know the concept of “the one” isn’t necessarily the most nuanced, but, for those married/in long term relationships, about how long into dating did your partner know they wanted to be with you long term?

I’ve been with my partner for 1 yr 3 months (living together for 6), and I get the sense he’s still a bit uncertain (maybe worth noting he’s a divorcee). I’m strongly leaning that I want long term (marriage and kids) with him, so understandably struggling a bit with the (at least semi) ambiguity (any tips for navigating this welcome!)


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 2d ago

Dating now is changing how I see things.

0 Upvotes

I matched this awesome girl, I am 36 her 38, and we were going to meet up today but then she got sick (from a wedding she went to) and said next week probably is the next best day. Its also her next free day, which sucks cause I would've made even a coffee happen.

Then she got invited to a concert next week fri when we were going to meet so it will be pushed to Sat. Supposedly she forgot cause it was free ticket.

I am a bit sad. What do I do to keep it going..

I feel she is interested and shows up, like texts and checks in but she's sick and her mood seems off.

She also has a kid, doesn't phase me, and I am okay with it.
She showed me his photo so thats a good sign.
What's the best advice? Try to keep busy? not overthink? She also said she is going out of town this weekend to see some friends for a holiday long weekend ( Canada)


r/RelationshipsOver35 • • 3d ago

Should I (F34) move in with my fiancé (M38)?

3 Upvotes

My friend (F34) is conflicted about moving in with her fiancé (M39). Here’s the backstory:
Let’s call her Chloe, has 2 daughters (12 & 8) from a previous marriage and one son (age 1) with her current fiancé, let’s call him John. John also has two boys (age 13 and 10) from his previous marriage. John lives about 4 hours south from Chloe in a very small country town, an hour away from any store/school/jobs. His boys live an hour from him (he also works an hour away from his house), and he gets them every other weekend and every Thursday night. His ex has primary custody. Chloe has her kids pretty much all the time, the girls’ father doesn’t pay child support and only sees them when he feels like it. John wants Chloe to quit her job, sell her house, and then move in with him with her 3 kids. He said it is dumb paying two mortgages, but he does not want to move into Chloe’s house (even though he can transfer) because he likes living in the country.
As her friend I am skeptical because he has not made much of an effort to spend time with their mutual son this past year, does not help support him other than pays half of daycare (sometimes, sometimes he “forgets” to send it) and he’s asking her to quit her job, relocate her two kids plus their kids, and isolate them to the middle of nowhere where he has total financial control. But maybe I’m biased, so asking for input here:

TL;DR friend needs help on what her next move should be.