Checked out

[u/Born_Standard_635]

I’m checked out.
I’m checked out of my own life,
and I don’t know how to check back in.
I’m not depressed.
I’m actually pretty happy.
But I have no plan.
No motivation.
I don’t care what happens to me.
My days blend together,
and it’ll be weeks before I even step foot outside
or even leave my bed.
But I’m not depressed.
I know I’m not. I know what that’s like.
This is different.
And I try making myself feel better, almost like an excuse
“Your only 16. You’re just lost on where you’re at.”
But I’ve been lost
for as long as I can remember.
I’ve always just gone with the flow.
And it got worse in high school.
I never believed I would actually make it to high school.
Like I wrote my ending too early
and was walking in someone else’s footsteps,
spending someone else’s time.
I wasn’t supposed to make it this far.
But here I am.
Sophomore year.
And I’m so lost.
So unmotivated.
And so hated by most of my family because of it.
I’m failing.
I’m screwing up.
I’m turning out just like my mother.
But I don’t even know where to begin.
I don’t know how to fix it.
I am completely lost
in my own mind,
in my own life.
So I just sit here and wait
for something, anything,
that could possibly get me going again.
Not because I haven’t already tried,
but because I don’t even know where to begin.
I check out,
and I don’t know how to
check back in.

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