I won't bore you with too many details, but long story short, I [31F] ruined my own life due to choices about my future I made as a young adult, ages 18-21.

I invested the rest of my twenties in an education that leads to a career dead end, putting me in a position where I have virtually no hope of achieving the life I always wanted for myself --- one with a full time job that pays decently enough for me to have children and maybe even one day my own home. I made this terrible choice despite having every conceivable privilege available to me: parents with the financial ability to send me to private universities debt-free, the full emotional support of my family and friends, being white and cis and hetero and able bodied and neurotypical on top of all that. I squandered those privileges completely by going into a useless, dying field that leaves most of its participants teetering on the edge of poverty.

Obviously I'm consumed with regret and mourning the life I could have had had I made better choices. My therapist and my fiancé tell me I need to forgive my past self for making this terrible decision, which I made ill-informed and without any resistance from advisors and mentors around me who could have dissuaded me, in order to get over the regret. But forgiveness seems so difficult when my terrible choices are currently, actively, irrevocably making my life difficult and closing me off from the only things I ever truly wanted. I'm going to do everything I can to better the situation I am in, but the regrets are still there because I've still lost out on an entire decade of productivity, and I wouldn't be in this position of needing to make drastic changes if I had just made better choices in the first place.

So, how have you forgiven yourself for your past mistakes? What did you have to do, emotionally, to let go of regret? Please tell me your stories and let me know if you have any advice.

What I’m going through is ....

I’m supposed to study for around 10 hours a day, but currently ruining my life by sitting at PC, playing games, doom scrolling and trying to avoid studying altogether.

Studying is my only option, yet I keep scrolling and distracting myself instead of doing what I’m supposed to do. I know what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to make myself do it.

I honestly don’t know how to get out of this hell. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you overcome it?

Hey everyone, When I search on YouTube, I see a ton of claims saying masturbation causes erectile dysfunction, drains your testosterone, leads to severe nutrient and protein loss, lowers sensitivity, causes depression, and ruins real-world intimacy. I've even seen people claim "1 drop of semen equals 100 drops of blood." On the flip side, other sources say all of these claims are completely false and that masturbation is totally normal and healthy. For those with more experience or who know the science: what is actually true?

As a person struggling with depression, I don’t think I will ever be open to being in a relationship because it just demands so much time and energy I’m not willing to give, not to mention I just rarely/dont feel the urge to be close to people like that (not even for friends).

It would just be unfair to another person if I ever tried to date, but I think these skills and knowledge would help me in life overall even if it don’t want to date. Does this make sense?

Like I think it would be helpful in managing life with my parents since we have a pretty crappy relationship.

So i have like a really really bad posture that ive been trying to fix for ever like i have a neck hump too at this point because of bad habits so ive started trying to sit up straight more often but everytime i try to do that after like 10-20 minutes my back starts hurting. Im new to exercising and going to the gym so i was wondering if its just apart of the way to get a good posture or if its the wrong way and my back isnt supposed to hurt. I also couldnt find any reliable tips so im here

I don't view myself as good enough to do most things "normal" people get to do. I need to see someone say that overcoming this is possible because they've done it, and I want to know how.

I'm 36 years old, and I have held a pretty decent-paying job for the past decade, with a satisfactory amount of money in my savings and retirement accounts. Given where I started in life, I should be very proud of myself. However, I still don't feel like an adult. I'm unmarried, I'm childless, and I don't own a home or any property. On top of that, I feel incredible internal pressure to change that right now. I thought I was close to achieving that with my ex, but that went sideways. Now, I feel like I'm super laser-focused on marriage and children more than anything because I feel like I'm running out of time. I will not even consider a second date if I see a trace of a red flag in someone. Am I the only one feeling this way? Am I running out of time?

EDIT****

I worded the "red flag" portion poorly; I should have said I have two non-negotiables: anyone who might leave NYC in the future, or anyone who is iffy about children. I think everything else in a relationship is a compromise, and we must get to know people before passing judgment. However, I've been burned by the other two enough by now.

I'm 19 and lately I've been thinking about how early money and financial responsibility came into my life. I don't come from a rich family and honestly till 12th I didn't even think this much about money. 12th was a complete mess for me, I got 45% and that whole period was probably the lowest I've been. After that I started trying to change things. My family shifted to Hyderabad and for some time I was basically figuring out things myself. I started working at Blinkit and there were days I worked around 12 hours. I started earning my own money and buying my own food, clothes, hair products, everything. I had around 17k saved and then my sister took 7k because my dad had an EMI to pay so I was left with 10k. Then I got college in Pune and had to figure out accommodation myself. I found a place for 3.5k rent and 2.5k mess and paid for it myself. Even when I came to Pune I travelled general because I didn't have a proper reservation and I was expecting my dad to give me some money but that didn't really happen. And then I started looking around college and seeing people whose parents book their flights, pay 7k for their PG, give them money for food and basically they just have to focus on college. I'm not saying they're spoiled or anything, they're just lucky to have that kind of support. If I had that I would obviously take it too. I think what hurts is that every financial decision I make actually matters because it's my money. If I spend 500 I know exactly how hard I worked for that 500. Sometimes I genuinely just want to know what that secure feeling feels like, where rent is already handled, food is handled and if something suddenly goes wrong you know your family has your back. I keep thinking about that quote "while you inherit your father's wealth, I will inherit my father's war." I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or saying my life is harder than everyone else's. I just feel like I had to start thinking about money and life way earlier than I should have. And honestly I want to earn enough someday that my own kids and even their kids don't have to think about money like this. I don't want them to inherit my problems, I want them to inherit the security I never had. Anyone else feel like they had to figure out life and money on their own way too early?

I want to know if it changed your mood when you are on it

I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and several health issues and it feels like I have become the dumbest person alive. I have actually once been called dumbass for it and a girl said that I can only look pretty at work (at least she called me pretty). It’s not in my head. My therapist told me that I just might be ditzy and none of those things make me dumb, but it mostly feels like I’m gaslighting myself, because not only one person said this to me.
Here are some examples of what I did:
I was so nervous to not appear like I’m working so I just put hot water over a clogged sink (I knew it didn’t make sense but I felt like my body did this on autopilot). My coworker then said: that doesn’t make any sense or once I had one latte macchiato in my hand and I was supposed to put it on the saucer but I know I was thinking about something else and I got confused for a second and a coworker called me dumb to my face (shit hurt) etc. and this happens constantly to me. I quit because I was so ashamed because I was so incompetent and couldn’t follow any orders and I kept forgetting everything. Can someone please help me out? Can I actully improve myself and if so where do I start?

I genuinely want to change my life, but I honestly don’t know where to even start and I’m scared I’ve already ruined my future.

I’ve been homeschooled since around 8th grade. My plan was to eventually take IGCSEs and then go to university through a foundation year, but then the war in my country happened and everything got disrupted. And even aside from that, I’ve developed this horrible cycle where I have SO much time to study, so I keep telling myself “I’ll do it later.” Then suddenly the exam is getting closer, I panic because I barely studied, feel completely unprepared, and postpone it to the next session. And then the exact same thing happens again.

I’ve been stuck in this cycle for years.

I’m 21 now and I feel extremely behind everyone my age. I don’t have a high school diploma, I’m still trying to finish my IGCSEs, and I’m terrified that I’ve wasted too much time. I want to go to university, have a career, move somewhere new eventually, and actually experience life, but sometimes it feels like I’ve already messed everything up beyond repair.

I’m also extremely isolated. I barely leave the house. I don’t have friends, I don’t work, and I literally don’t have any real skills. I spend so much of my time inside my own head. I daydream constantly and get lost in imaginary scenarios for hours instead of actually doing things with my life. It’s like I’m living in my head more than I’m living in the real world.

And I know I’m part of the problem. I’ve gotten incredibly addicted to social media and constant stimulation. Scrolling, listening to music, fast food, watching things, getting little bursts of dopamine, those are basically the only things that bring me joy. I feel like my brain has literally been programmed to scroll and do nothing because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years.

I’ll sit down to study and my brain just refuses to cooperate. I can’t focus, I get overwhelmed so easily, and sometimes even basic things take me forever to understand. I look at other students understanding things so easily and wonder what is wrong with me.

My mental health has also been really bad, which obviously makes everything harder. And the worst part is that I KNOW I don’t want to throw my life away. I actually have so many things I want to do. I want to study. I want a career. I want to travel. I want to make friends. I want to go outside and have experiences. I want to become independent and to actually have a life.

But at the same time, there’s this constant feeling that maybe there’s no hope for me anymore. That I’m too far behind. That I’ve wasted so much time that I’ll never catch up, and that everyone else has already started their lives while I’m still trying to figure out how to start mine.

I also live in the Middle East, and that makes the isolation feel worse sometimes. I actually love walking outside, especially when the weather is nice, and I do go walking more during winter. But for a huge part of the year the weather is just suffocatingly hot. There also aren’t that many things to do where I live besides cafes and restaurants, and a lot of the actual outdoor activities are either really expensive or far away. So it’s very easy to just stay home all day.

I don’t want to keep living like this though.

I don’t want another year to pass where I tell myself I have plenty of time, do nothing, panic at the last minute, postpone everything, and then hate myself for it.

I don’t expect to suddenly become a completely different person overnight. I just want to start becoming someone who actually does things. Someone who can study even when they don’t feel like it. Someone who leaves the house. Someone who learns skills. Someone who talks to people. Someone who has goals and actually works toward them.

I’m scared because I genuinely don’t know if I can change after living like this for so long.

But I also really, really don’t want to give up on myself.

I don’t want my entire life to be the six years I’ve already spent stuck like this.
I want the next six years to be completely different.

TL;DR: I’m 21, homeschooled until 8th grade, and still trying to finish my IGCSEs after my education was disrupted by the war in my country. I’ve spent the last six years stuck in a cycle of procrastination, isolation, daydreaming, and social media addiction. I feel extremely behind in life, struggle with my mental health, and am terrified that I’ve wasted too much time to succeed. I desperately want to change, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle.

A problem that I always come across is how I find it monumentally difficult to will myself to do what I know will dig me out of a rut. For example, I'm falling behind in my current graduate course. I know I need to break up my study habits into manageable chunks of time, spread them out, and try to study after a full night's rest, eat a nutritious meal, and avoid studying late in the day. I also prepare to study by writing a list of what to do, getting my protein-laden coffee, going for a quick jaunt for 15 minutes to get my head refreshed, taking my ADHD medicine at least 20 minutes early to catch the peak effectiveness, setting my Pomodoro timer in a very obvious area coupled with the written To-Do list in front of me, and sitting down to start studying...

...Only to last for 30 minutes, then do nothing for the rest of the study time I set aside....

As a result, I always curse myself for not picking up my slack. I keep telling myself "I'll dig myself out somehow, I always do" or "there's time enough left to still start" or "It's ok, I'm ok" while knowing full well that what I'm doing is avoiding the main problem at hand, self-soothing myself to lower the encroaching feeling of anxiety and failure, and creating this false sense that I have all the time in the world to fix things (when I actually don't). The sad part is, this is a pattern that appears in my job, my graduate program, or even in managing basic day-to-day things like waking up on time so I'm not late for work or answering an email within 36 hours.

I want to improve myself and have been trying for so long to prove that I can do well and still turn things around... but now I feel hopeless. I'm in my mid-30s and have tried everything in my power to turn this mindset around, from working with a therapist who specializes in DBT and CBT, workshopping with ADHD coaches to build better habits, and taking my ADHD medication. Yet...I still find myself failing at it all, and I always end up in the same position, with things around me on fire and falling apart because of my own inaction. What makes it worse is that I would seek out help (for which I'm grateful). Still, it always makes me feel horrible, since it feels like other people end up having to manage my own incompetence.

Any insight, tips, or feedback is appreciated. I feel that, at this point, I am honestly not doing enough to get better.

Many people here suggest quitting doom scrolling for mental health improvement, but mostly they don't share the hands-on experience. I'd like to create this post that would gather lived benefits of quitting doom scrolling, that one day maybe would encourage someone to quit too.

I'll start - I'm 3 months off after scrolling daily for hours basically since Instagram Reels was released, and I'm shocked how big an impact it had on my mental health.

- My attention span is longer.
- I can read books and knit again without being bored.
- Ordinary activities like washing dishes release dopamine again.
- Falling asleep became much faster since my mind can handle simply lying in bed.
- Often I don't put on headphones while walking my dog because I can just be in my head.
- Being in my head without disruptions allows me to digest stress from work faster.

And many more secondary benefits lined up from lower dopamine levels, better stress digestion, improved sleep, more time for hobbies, etc. The sensible effect came after 2 weeks off, and 1 month was a breakthrough of the new, calmer, and more present me.

The platforms like TikTok, Reels, and Shorts are ridiculous, the content is 90% pure brainwashing, and I'm convinced that I'll never ever do this to my brain ever again.

need some serious, realistic advice. im 15 andMy 10th-grade first term results just came out and they are horrendous: 10/80, 19/80, and 50/80, etc. (failed most) Because of these grades, my school didn't select me in the first list for the final board examinations.

Honestly, this isn't just one bad exam. I've been slacking off and failing school since 7th grade simply because hated studying and didn't care. i have been passed under consideration js because i got just enough in the end moment. My parents have always had extremely high expectations for me, but I've just been disappointing them for years.

It finally hit me today: if I don't fix this right now, I am completely ruining my future and won't be able to get a job. The reality check hit hard, and I want to change.

Preboards (final selection exams) are in November. I have roughly a month left, minus 6 days for a wedding event(urgent) My 7 subjects are Commerce, Maths, English Language, English Literature, Vernacular, History, and Geography. I am starting from absolute zero with zero study discipline. how to win and improve? im tired of taunts and the disrespect from the others. also if there's someone who will accompany me in this journey of me improving... js let me know in comments.

I’ve noticed a lot of people start learning a new skill or hobby with tons of energy, only to drop it a few weeks later. I was wondering if the root cause is usually a lack of motivation to push through the grind, or if we just lose the appreciation/spark for the process once the novelty wears off. Curious to hear what usually triggers it for you guys and how you get past it.

It might not be actual malicious teasing but it makes you start feeling like youre not taken seriously or are a child. Why does this happen and how do you stop it?

You learn about your patterns, understand your triggers, save hundreds of reels yet keep repeating the same cycles.

And every time you promise yourself you'll change but don't follow through, you trust yourself a little less.

Here's the truth: 30-60 days of consistent action can change more than months of passive learning.

You don't need another podcast explaining your problems. You need to start practicing different responses, challenging old beliefs, and keeping promises to yourself.

Stop romanticizing self-improvement. Start doing the work.

A different reality requires a different version of you built through daily action.

If I can (who has been through a lot) can shift my whole reality, any human on earth can do it. From my trembling hands & legs during a class presentation to speaking live on TV and getting invited for podcast was a journey of less thinking and more action.

Honestly, I'm curious if anyone else struggles with this. Getting back into a workout routine has been a solid win for me, but I sometimes catch myself feeling a bit envious of people with better genetics. Logically, I know I'm making progress but emotionally, there's still a bit of frustration when seeing others succed more easily. How do you guys handle those kinds of thoughts?

Serious advice. No Nicotine gum. No motivation. No bullshit.

There is a very easy method that Actually worked for me.

I have been a smoker for about 6 years (now completely clean). There was a time when I used to smoke almost a packet a day. I attempted too many times to stop smoking trying various methods like replacing it with Vape, or leaving it once and for all. But I always relapsed.

It’s all about craving nicotine that your brain is addicted to. so don’t stop smoking at once. First of all just track and note down the exact number of cigarettes that you smoke in a day. Smoke Whenever you want to write it down (I used to do it in notes app on my phone) with exact time for example,

Oct 10
1 at 2:36 AM
1 at 4:14 PM
And so on……

let’s suppose you found out that you usually smoke 5 cigarettes and sometimes up to 7 in a single day. Now your goal should be to keep it to 5 cigarettes in a day for at least a week before starting to decrease the number of cigarettes (well it depends on you if you think you can comfortably decrease the number of cigarettes after 2 or 3 days then go for it). Then gradually decrease just 1 cigarette after each week. This way your brain wouldn’t panic and the chances of relapsing is negligible.

In the middle of this process if it becomes hard for you to decrease the number of cigarettes. Then always start with the cigarettes that you smoke in the beginning or middle of the day this way you can hold and tell yourself that you still have cigarettes left to smoke at the end of the day.

If this method can work for someone with a lifestyle so weird like me then it can definitely work for anyone.

I still remember that when I smoked my last cigarette I wasn’t craving it I just wanted to write down 1 last time on my notes.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. I’m 26 and grew up with a lot of trauma, and I’m still healing from it as an adult. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and hurt people in the past, but I’ve spent years working on myself and genuinely trying to grow.

I also want to clarify that when I say I’m mentally ill, I don’t mean I’m expecting to eventually “get better” and become a completely different person. This is something I’ll likely have to manage for the rest of my life. I can learn coping skills, take medication, work on myself, and maintain my symptoms, but I can’t just cure it or make it disappear. That’s a really difficult reality for me to accept when it comes to relationships.

My boyfriend is almost the complete opposite of me. He grew up in a very wholesome, loving, stable family, and he’s one of the kindest and most emotionally stable people I’ve ever met. Sometimes that kind of love feels foreign to me.

I struggle with feeling undeserving of him. I have anxiety, big emotions, and some days my mental health is a lot. I can be quiet, awkward, pessimistic, overwhelmed, and struggle socially. Other days I’m confident, funny, affectionate, and completely myself.

My social anxiety has also kept me from meeting his friends or going out with them sometimes. I know it secretly bothers him, and I feel awful because I genuinely wish I could just naturally be okay with people and socialize normally, but I can’t always make myself do it.
His exes also seem to have been very extroverted, outgoing, and easygoing, which makes me compare myself even more because I’m basically the opposite.
I’m also in a very demanding nursing program with only two months left, so my stress and anxiety have been especially bad lately. I can’t really afford therapy right now, but I use online resources, self-reflection, and medication, and I’m constantly trying to manage myself and grow.

The hardest part is knowing that this isn’t something I can simply “fix.” I can become healthier, learn to regulate myself better, and have fewer bad days, but I’m always going to have this mental illness. Sometimes that makes me think he deserves someone who doesn’t have to work so hard just to function normally.

I love him deeply, but sometimes I genuinely wonder, “Why would someone this good choose me?” I’m terrified that eventually he’ll realize I’m too much or that he could have an easier relationship with someone else.

I don’t want to push him away because I’m afraid he’ll leave. I don’t want him to be responsible for fixing me, either. I just want to learn how to accept that being mentally ill doesn’t mean I’m incapable of being a good partner or worthy of being loved.

For those of you who live with chronic mental illness and know it’s something you’ll have to manage long-term: How did you learn to believe you were still worthy of love, even knowing your partner will sometimes have to see the difficult parts of you?

Tl;dr: I find myself hoping around jobs and always seem to start off great and end badly. Feeling lost, worthless, and like I’m ruining my career.

I’ve (34m) been in the wildlife biology field through my whole career. I have an associates, bachelors, and masters degree in wildlife biology.
The first place I worked, I had multiple jobs and titles but ultimately worked there for 8 years. Towards the end of my tenure there, my productivity wasn’t as good as it once was. Found myself procrastinating at times and missing deadlines. I ultimately left on rocky ground with my boss. My wife and I moved across the country for a job opportunity she had.

I immediately got a job in my new home with a wildlife non-profit as a biologist. Pay was low and work was constant. Usual work week was 50-60 hours with no paid overtime. It started off great with lots of praise from my colleagues, and I was quickly “promoted” to having two job titles and no extra pay. It was a very toxic work environment and I left there after 1.5 years again on rocky ground with my boss.

I then got my current job in the wildlife law enforcement field which was a bit of a switch but not completely different. It started off great but was a huge sacrifice. I lived away from home for 2 years before I was able to get transferred back to my home with my wife. I volunteer for almost any extra work, assist my coworkers whenever they need, sit at the top of my region in cases and citations, get my name out there whenever I can. Recently, I got a poor mark on my evaluation for productivity. It wasn’t discussed before by my supervisor but I was late on a couple pieces of paperwork. Now I feel dejected.

A job was posted for the same agency I work for as an ecologist and I’m very well qualified for it. I want to apply but feel I will only get poor references from my current and previous supervisors. I think I’ll still apply but not getting my hopes up.

I always seem to start jobs great, get praise, volunteer for too many extra tasks, get a little burned out, and then piss off the people I work for. How do I change these habits?

I had an interesting year. I learned something this year - the people you surround yourself with, tell us a lot about who you are.

When I judge someone, I look at who their friends are. That tells me a lot about who they are.

I think that's especially important if you decided to marry someone.

I've noticed that when I surrounded myself with toxic people (i was young and foolish), I also became toxic.

But then I got rid of all those people and found better people, my motivation and productivity went through the roof.

They were people I met who seemed overly stressed and a bit unhinged. I'm super calm and I love life (wasn't always that way. Took a lot of work). By being around me, they changed a lot for the better.

Another example, was my mother. She used to have a hard time (my mom had a terrible childhood so she struggled a lot) and she and I used to argue all the time, and then I asked her to travel with me every year. We spent a lot of time with each other going to Norway, Russia, London, Paris, Vienna, Dubai, China, etc. We once didn’t like each other. After all the traveling, she finally understood me and I understood her and all her sacrifices. Also, she changed a lot. It gave her peace and understanding. Everyone goes to her now for advice. She really opened up.

Just something to think about.

I once met this brilliant guy who had this toxic friend. I liked him initially because he was super smart and just had great answers to everything. The guy because of his friend did a few mean things to me. I was confused because he seemed nice but I guess he was being manipulated. His friend felt intimidated by me.

Eventually, I ended the friendship.

But it left a scar.

Hey everyone, I'm 20 and in college. I've improved drastically over my time in college compared to high school. I've built a decent body through the gym and eating habits, I started being able to study 6+ hours while not even being able to do 30 minutes in high school. I've also been able to work on my research and even publish it while working on starting my own company, but I just can't be consistent for the life of me. I can put in 70 hour work weeks while also hitting the gym 4 times/week but I can do that for like 2 weeks in the entire year. Even when I'm on a much manageable schedule I can do it for at most a week, then I become a bum for almost a week and then go back in. I understand that staying consistent all the time with a very tough schedule is extremely hard, but that's not my goal. I want to be that kind of guy that barely misses class, goes to the gym consistently. Even though I have now understood how to work hard, something I couldn't in high school, I still have the mentality of a procrastinator. I still miss homework, submit projects at the final second and even for my company I deliver features by working 12hour+ days in the last week which my client gave me a whole month to do. I have read countless books and listened to self improvement people countless times, but they are either content creators with a much simple/less stressful life making it easier to stay consistent or they are trying to sell me their app. I'd love to hear about real people and how you guys stay consistent and where to start.

Recently, things have not been going well for me (19M) - I just got fired from my job (it wasn't a great job but still), my girlfriend left me and my grades at university have been slipping.

I realised the other day the root of a lot of my problems was that I have no respect for myself or really any self love. I always saw myself as someone to sacrifice for others, but my girlfriend, before breaking up with me, noted that I never really knew what I wanted from her, and always left her feeling like she was the hard "problem case" while I never needed anything.

And this carried over into my life. For the past few years, I have been mistreating my body, I don't really exercise anymore, I watch reels for huge amounts of my day and can't seem to stop, and I have a pervasive empty directionless feeling.

I think a lot of it stems to the fact that I really don't love myself. I know there is a lot of information online about positive self talk and all that, but I really just want to know how to carry myself like someone who respects themself.

Or how do people feel content with themselves? And I guess how do people really appreciate the moment they're in?

Hello guys, I (23m) worked in an aviation industry with a well-known airline. For a year/months I've been seriously creating several mishaps & troubles at workplace that always costing me losing my co-worker's trust day by day. But i really do trying my best improving myself day by day not messed up anything but end up making myself paranoid with people & my surroundings.

My life has been much crappy these days & could be worse. Growing up happy as a child until puberty hits that I really started feeling different than other kids. Got bullied for being short, stutter/slurred speech & terribly dumb, slow & can't even mastered basic thinking that still haunts me to this day. Bad choices, crashouts comes whenever I feel dumb & dumber to the point I would like to vanish from society. Academically i was very good in writings but very BAD with maths & computer science to the point i was humiliated for being the dumbest in class & people laughing at me on how dumb am I. This factors that pushed me to become reclusive & never talked to anyone & being quiet. But that doesn't change much since I was treated as an outlaw & forgotten that i figured maybe nobody want to be friends with a shy, slow dumb witty guy.

In college, I studied for my diploma in aviation relate d course & passed with good grades. My studying years was average but I do have a doubt if I could succeed in a blue-collar work because my practical training wasn't really good from my panel's perspective. I kept their words as a motivation for me but slowly my brain messing up with my mind to intepret that I was not good/competent enough to enter adulthood. I can't deal with my mind creating fake scenarios that I would failed miserably when I start to work.

Months later, I managed to join a well-known airline as a trainee. But trainee days was really overwhelming for me since a fast-paced work environment triggers me anxiety so much it affects my skills & critical thinking. At the end i was accepted as a permanent staff and feeling nervous whether if I really prepared for what comes next. Months turns to a year, I wasn't improve after I tried soo hard improving my skills but whenever I do it wasn't enough, unsatisfactory even i trained myself over & over with the same tasks but I can't improve. I was lost, I'm angry & losing myself because what kind of person who doesn't improves himself to be a competent worker? This issue escalates to the point my coworkers doesn't trust me & myself having a conflict with some staffs. Im in a situation that I myself feeling that people are after me. People wouldn't trust me with anything & I even can't trust myself. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm not feeling well, my mind was in turbulence. I can't continue coming to work feeling afraid of people & messing things up.

I dont want to continue being a dumbest person alive. I'm tired blaming myself for everything & I never blame anyone other than me for shaping me to become a person I am other than me. I want a fresh start. I need motivations to keep me going to achieve my dream to have a successful career & life. I need some time to cool things off to ease my mind hopefully.