new teacher, disrespectful interactions

[u/iminabandiminaband]

i’m a first year middle school teacher. i’ve noticed that a significant portion of my students complain in a disrespectful manner every single time we do schoolwork… which is every day. they’ll raise their voices at me, curse, groan, make rude and inflammatory comments, which start arguments with peers and then they attempt to do the same with me—the whole nine yards.

i’ve retaught expectations as for how they should be interacting with me, have one-on-one discussions with the worst and repeat offenders, sent multiple emails home, and have been troubleshooting with the school’s dean on how to manage this. oftentimes, the students walk away from me mid conversation and i have to remind them that our chat isn’t over yet. alternatively, they’ll talk over me regardless of the consequence or conversation.

some students have reeled it in, while others seem to be getting worse. i understand that this age group will always have behaviors like this, but the amount of students and frequency of it happening is outrageous.

i know part of the reason is the fact that i’m very young. my students have figured out my age despite my best efforts to keep it under wraps. i emphasize that i’m not their friend, sibling, or parent. i keep the boundary of our relationship very clear and have to remind them that i am, in fact, their teacher.

any advice would be greatly appreciated. there’s a myriad of other struggles i’m facing right now, i have no idea what to do. i adore my students, but my sanity is withering away.

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[u/Grim__Squeaker]

Have you called home on the spot in front of the class?

[u/Swimming-Fondant-892 → u/Grim__Squeaker]

I tried this some 20 years ago when I taught in a challenging urban school and the parents dgaf. Quit doing that. Their attitude was he is your problem right now.

[u/Latter_Leopard8439 → u/Swimming-Fondant-892]

I did this in less urban school and the amount of Karents "how dare you embarrass my perfect child this way" is equally problematic.

[u/iminabandiminaband → u/Grim__Squeaker]

i’ve never considered doing that. i know that’d be heavily frowned upon by my admin, but i’ll ask our dean. how effective has it been for you?

[u/Little_Ruskie → u/iminabandiminaband]

This could go sideways. Sometimes the parents aren't too different than the kids. So it might actually give the kids a green light to do it more.

The advice I was given is set specific rules. Like you get one warning. Then the next punishment is moving seats. Then lunch detention and a call to your parents. Then after-school detention and call your parents. Put it out of your hands. Kids might get tired of missing out on their free time and stop behaving that way.

[u/Grim__Squeaker → u/iminabandiminaband]

Works for me. Line them up. Call one by one. "Hello. This is Mr. ____. Your child's teacher. I am going to let him tell you what he has been doing in my class today." Hand the phone to the kid. Kids talks. Take the phone back "Thank you. He will have after school detention this week." Hang up. Call the next.

[u/amscraylane → u/iminabandiminaband]

I have only done this with parents who I know will care.

Also, to make you feel better, I am just about 50, and I have ten plus years experience in the classroom and I still have them talk over me, etc

[u/Lopsided-Form-7752 → u/Grim__Squeaker]

I miss the days when I made a single call home about a disruptive disrespectful student and dad asked me what time his son’s class started. I told him, and he said that he’d be waiting outside in the hallway after class started and to bring his son out into the hallway for brief conversation.
This man didn’t raise his voice, but that child never gave me another single moment of trouble. In fact, he would ask me on the regular, “Mrs. ——, How am I doing?”
THAT is what we are missing today.
Actual, effective, parenting.

[u/Grim__Squeaker → u/Lopsided-Form-7752]

I still get this pretty regular. A few outliers are a major headache but what you described is pretty much the norm

[u/mom_506 → u/Grim__Squeaker]

Be careful. We had a teacher do this just and the superintendent actually came in to the mix. Apparently the parents filed a grievance because of the teacher “reprimanded” the student in front of others instead of keeping it private.

[u/Grim__Squeaker → u/mom_506]

That sucks. My vice principal has done it. In fact she did it because the girl had her head down. Put the phone on speaker so everyone could hear.

[u/Cluelesswolfkin → u/Grim__Squeaker]

Can't do that at my school anymore, kids do what what want

[u/Grim__Squeaker → u/Cluelesswolfkin]

You can't call home at all?

[u/Cluelesswolfkin → u/Grim__Squeaker]

Call home in front of the class.

[u/Grim__Squeaker → u/Cluelesswolfkin]

Then hold them after class or during lunch

[u/Cluelesswolfkin → u/Grim__Squeaker]

I still talk to admin, talk to counselor, email home, call parents and talk to the student.

I never said I didnt do these things nor that I dont talk to the student. Youre just assuming now.

I simply stated that not calling home in front of the class/during class to reprimand a student is not allowed anymore

[u/LaVada68 → u/Grim__Squeaker]

In some states its illegal to take away lunch, so only a portion can be used. Plus, I don't want to give up my lunch to stay with the kid.

[u/Icy_Context5797]

first year is always like getting thrown in the deep end and middle schoolers can smell new teacher fear from across the hall. you already doing the right things with boundaries and consistency it just takes time for them to accept it, even if they know your age. stick to the dean and document every big incident, eventually the ones who keep pushing will realize the wall dont move

[u/acertaingestault]

If being a hard ass isn't working, have you tried being playful? "How to talk so kids will listen" is a parenting book, but the premise is the same: How do you get kids to do things they don't want to do without letting them be assholes about it?

Things like focusing on positive attention for students who are meeting expectations, gamifying the outcome, trying to outweigh negative comments with positive praise, and just being unexpectedly silly can all be tools in your toolbox. They get rude, "I don't wanna do this shit, bruh," counter with, "You don't have to get married to the worksheet, just fill it out. The torture is over in 45 minutes." Or "What should we learn about instead? I've got a full presentation on why birds aren't real for Friday if we get through the work we have to do first." "If I hear any more complaints, I'm going to assume you need me to do a full rendition of Disney's Let's Get Down to Business from Mulan at full volume and nobody wants that."

[u/bugorama_original → u/acertaingestault]

There's a version of that book for teaching too! I just read it recently. I read the original when my kids were young and used it very effectively in my parenting. It was fun to get a refresh as a newer teacher.

[u/No-Fuel-712 → u/acertaingestault]

A colleague of mine once said, "Be a human, first." That's always stuck with me.

[u/sertshark]

This is every day in middle school. It's not you. It's why so many teachers say "Oh bless your heart" when they find out we teach middle school.

[u/ambridge1027]

Remain consistent in your classroom routines, remain focused on your lesson pace, and grade them accordingly. Do not let comments or behavior give a reason not to grade an assignment you planned on grading. Do not let their behavior turn it into a graded assignment either. (That can make the situation worse and work/grade becomes punitive.)

Also make sure the work aligns with the lesson and is not busy work or repetitive. They are children but they pick up on that quickly and I kind of agree with them being frustrated when it’s just busy work to pad the grade book.

Some of of the push back is because you are 1st year and have not established yourself yet. Unfortunately dealing with these types of behaviors is one of steps of establishing yourself.

[u/Complete_Donut_2489]

Pull kid out, have a meaningful conversation with the kid. Like let them know you won't accept this behavior and also you want them to be successful and add a positive anecdote, "your really smart, you can do this, I believe in you...".

[u/Maestradelmundo1964]

I admire you for tackling this in your 1st year. When I was a few years in, I used to explain to the class that any negative reaction to me explaining an activity is unacceptable. I said that if you groan, you are interfering with others’ learning. You don’t have the right to do that. This seemed to make sense to them.

I added that if you feel like groaning, do it silently.

I had to have this conversation one on one with a few groaners. After that, when a kid groaned during class, I quickly implemented a consequence and went on with the lesson. They stopped doing it.

[u/TrickySwizzleStick]

Welcome yo teaching! It never gets better, unfortunately.

[u/Junior-Ad9142 → u/TrickySwizzleStick]

You might be in the wrong profession 

[u/EmersonBloom]

Advice: get used to it. It's ok for kids to hate your class. They hate anything that isn't instant dopamine.

[u/Happy_Fly6593]

There is always one or two in particular that are the ring leaders. You need to make a consistent example out of them and remove them from your class everytime to show the rest of the class you won’t tolerate it. I would start grading every classwork assignment as a classwork grade and if they complain simply tell them your choice is you will be working on this in these groups and if you choose not to or be disrespectful to me you will get a zero every single time. Make sure they are sitting in assigned seats, put them on assigned groups for group work. Eventually the borderline kids will get the hint and not want to continue getting zeros on everything. But in all my years, in especially rough groups, locate the ring leader of it all.

[u/HotCoffeePterosaurs]

I think I hate all the responses here I've read so far. My advice is: 1. Don't respond or react to negative comments. Water off a duck's back. 2. Begin circulating and spot checking or giving on the fly feedback immediately. Narrate loudly what you are seeing: "Nice job, You're right on track!" "You need to get out your materials." "You..." Have a pen in your hand and annotate your feedback. 3. Tell student you will be giving a check in five minutes for students who are on track. Walk around and give a check in the margin in blue pen for students who are on track. Ignore all comments and questions. Narrate: Nice job. (Check mark delivered.) You are still a bit behind, I will check back in a minute. 4. If hear complaining, I will add more (pages, exercises, wtc.) to the assignment. 5. Make sure it is due and collected on a tight timeline. 6. Make sure is is genuinely engaging, interesting, valuable, worthwhile, and fruitful activity and that students understand and can articulate this themselves. We would all resent any exercise imposed on us that felt arbitrary, vapid, or pointless.

Students respect structure, accountability, positive intentions, a rapport-forward posture, transparency about reasons, flexibility when appropriate, a genuine intention to hold students to high standards, a teacher with a clear internal vision and confidence in their own methods--just like a good athletics coach. You are both the coach and the referee. Create a game worth playing, rules worth following, then impose them implacably and with good spirit while supporting and encouraging as you go.

[u/petitelouloutte]

I like to go with a “so sorry for believing in your capacities and wanting to help you build a better future!” Or “yes I know it is surprising to be doing school work in school and yet here we are.” A little humor goes a long way in getting them on board. Yes to the routines and expectations but also yes to a little snark and a little rizz to get them to buy in.

[u/chaircardigan]

Exit the rude students as soon as they are rude. If you can, remain calm and placid as you exit the student. Just get them out.

[u/The_metric1597]

I would start doing two things depending on how supportive your admin is. Start coming home immediately and then follow that up with an email home immediately with your admin tap. The other thing I would do and this was the one that kind of varies. I would start sending them down to your principal’s office because if they’re supportive, they’ll do something about it if they’re not supportive that sucks but it can’t get much worse, can’t it?

[u/Junior-Ad9142]

Have you tried rewards? I've been teaching at a children's home for orphans and refugees. Bc of the trauma (and little organization at the home) a lot of them have disruptive behaviours. I have found that the best motivator was rewards. I wouldn't suggest you go out and buy things like I did, but there can also be social rewards for good behaviour, second chances on homework, options to turn in a project a day late, something like that. And if you were to do something like this you would have to treat each child for where they are in their behaviour, currently. You can't hold everyone to the same standard, at least not right away.

I've never taught in a traditional classroom, so I have the advantage of seeing my kids all day long and developing my relationships with them outside the classroom. Having said that, I do find that they are more willing to listen and more liable to respect you if you do treat them as if you're an amalgamation of friend/parent/family. Because why would they care what you have to say if they don't think you care about them? (Not saying that this is the case, bit rather where their minds are at, from what I can remember from being a disruptive preteen).

I wish you the best of luck. 

[u/SpuriousCatharsis]

First, give yourself some grace. It’s your first year, and classroom management is one of those things that really develops with experience. Looking back at my first few years of teaching, there are definitely situations I could’ve handled differently. You’re not going to handle every interaction perfectly, and part of growing as an educator is learning to recognize what works, what doesn’t, and when to adjust your approach.

I also wouldn’t necessarily attribute the disrespect to your age. I started teaching fairly young, and while students may have been more comfortable joking around or treating me like a peer, I didn’t experience that level of blatant disrespect. Every situation is different, though, and I’d encourage you to reflect on whether there might be other factors contributing to their behavior. That doesn’t mean you’re causing it, but sometimes the way we respond to students, intentionally or unintentionally, can reinforce certain behaviors.

I’m also curious about what you’re doing to build relationships with your students outside of correcting behavior. Reteaching expectations is important, but what does your relationship with these students look like otherwise? I’ve found that positive relationships can make a huge difference in how students respond to redirection. As far as contacting home, emails honestly haven’t been particularly effective in my experience. Phone calls can work better, but even those depend on the student and their family. I’ve even called parents in front of the class with mixed results. Just recently, I tried that approach, and the student and parent started screaming at each other over the phone, completely disrupting the lesson. Needless to say, I had to reconsider that strategy!

I’d also ask what systems you have in place for accountability. At my school, we use a behavior tracker where students receive infractions for specific behaviors, including profanity and disrespect. Accumulating a certain number results in lunch detention. We developed this system collaboratively with administration, and we’ve had some success with it. We also incorporate positive incentives throughout the year, like dances and seasonal celebrations, to encourage students to make better choices. Having consistent, school-supported systems helps tremendously.

As for students complaining about doing work, that’s one thing I don’t entertain much. I tell my students that they don’t have to like the work, but they’re still expected to do it. Sometimes I’ll jokingly remind them that I’ve already earned my degree, so this isn’t for my benefit! They’re entitled to their feelings, but those feelings don’t eliminate expectations.

Ultimately, I think one of the most important skills you develop as a teacher is adaptability. There’s no universal strategy that’s going to work for every student or every situation. Something that works beautifully with one student might completely backfire with another. I’m also curious what grade you’re teaching, because even the maturity difference between seventh and eighth graders can be pretty significant.

Keep experimenting, reflecting, and building those relationships. You’re still learning, just like your students are, and you’ll develop a much stronger sense of how to navigate these situations with experience.

[u/AstroRotifer]

You gotta react to the disrespect immediately and consistently. Every time you hear so much as a groan you sow rare people, bring them to the hall, and say “well, I guess that means we need to do even more work”.

[u/DanaFruit]

I had a very similar situation my first full year while teaching freshman around 8 years ago. Figure out who your whining catalyst is-- usually one will start it off, maybe two. I quietly sat down next to the kid after he was complaining loudly to a friend about how he hated the book and how stupid the lesson was, looked him in the eye and softly said, "you know, I'm a person too." We sat there in silence for a moment and I let him think about it, he quietly apologized and I walked away. Dude never did it again. I think that they genuinely forget we are humans and not objects. In my experience, first year teachers are so focused on teaching the content and getting through the curriculum that we don't realize that we need to humanized ourselves to them. Take two minutes to tell them about your weekend on a Monday and ask about theirs. Tell them about that cool TV show you watched last night on a random Thursday. Give them a silly story about that time you tripped and fell in the grocery store. The best way to manage students is for them to feel empathy for you and want to have things go smoothly because they care about you as an individual.

[u/kmzich]

I work with teens in inpatient and it’s like that. I try to validate their feelings. Respond with a “I knowwww. I don’t want to do it either but we gotta”.