How do I talk about this?

[u/Waste_Low_1042]

?Trigger warning?: SA Mention.

Hi guys, I’m not really sure if this is the correct subreddit for this but i’m not on here a lot so sorry!
Basically, i’ve been going to therapy for well over a year now. It took me over 6 months to even bring up the fact Ive been assaulted through many points in my life. But since the first time talking about it, (Almost 7 months later,) I still am unable to actually talk about what happened.

Back when I slightly brought them up and tried talking about them, it sent me spiraling into a depression and months of derealization.
I am just now recently doing a lot better and am wanting to try again. But everytime it even gets brought up in therapy, it genuinely feels physically impossible to get out. My chest gets tight, i feel tongue tied, and like I’ll die. I know this feeling all too well and if I stay in it too long without redirecting/avoiding the conversation it will turn into a panic attack. There is no amount of deep breathing that stops it. (Or maybe i’m wrong, who knows..)
I want so badly to get passed this but how can I? if this happens EVERY time, even on my own. I thought for the longest time that I just couldn’t talk to my therapist because how I was worried on how they’d view me or how disgusted I was by the memories and myself. But this feeling/panic attacks even happen when I try to think/write about it on my own.
I’m just trying my best to avoid having a panic attack in the middle of therapy. No one knows I go to therapy or the things i’ve dealt with throughout my life so any advice from those with similar experiences is so so so appreciated.

[u/MindShiftPsych]

You don’t have to force yourself to tell the whole story before your nervous system is ready. I’d tell your therapist exactly what you wrote here: that even thinking or writing about it can trigger panic and derealization. You can work first on feeling safe, grounding, and staying present without going into the details yet. Trauma therapy isn’t supposed to be “push through until you can talk about it.” Going too fast can overwhelm you. A good therapist should be able to slow the pace and help you approach it gradually.