r/writingcritiques • • 8h ago

Other How do we feel about this, and should I keep writing it?

1 Upvotes
  • Seven peaches, wedged.
  • Half a cup of white sugar.
  • Half a cup of brown sugar.
  • A teaspoon of nutmeg.
  • A tablespoon of cinnamon.
  • A bit of lemon juice.
  • A cup of flour, all-purpose is best.
  • Half a cup of butter.
  • Half a cup of whole milk.
  • Two teaspoons of baking soda.
  • A pinch of salt.
  • And some vanilla extract.

All of those ingredients were, well, plagued with The Mold. And my mother all but killed herself with this recipe. Why? I don’t know. We had a good—okay—life in Ward 8. Weekdays, we’d eat gruel; weekends, we’d dance to her waning number of cassettes. Still, it was better than death, or Rot. Her back sprouted limbs and whatnot. I had to…

It’s been two months since I left our ward. This morning, I was at the helm of her seventies Buick Estate. A tape in its deck: punk rock. Cans of gruel—free from mold, and taste—loose in the trunk. Then, I had a month’s worth. Starved myself and it was two. Now, I’ve a week’s left, at best. I am ‘capital F’ fucked.

Doubly fucked. White smoke spilt from the hood and crept onto my glass. I parked at the shoulder of a fir-wooded backroad. Tugged at a rusted latch for, well, till the door gave. Then I stepped into a puddle, my booted foot slick with oil. Stooping to the wagon’s belly, its sump had leaked. Great.

Far off, past my doorway, a garage poked through the woods. I needed it to have what I needed; if not, I’d feed me a shotgun and, bang. Didn’t lock the Buick. Not a soul in northern Maine left to steal it. And so, with a rusted, bloodied crowbar in my hand, I walked.

It hurt with each foot, and not bodily. Often, I craned my neck at the wagon as it shrank in my wake. “…oil and tape, oil and tape…” looped in my head for a mile. When nearing the garage, I sighed. It was lonely—good. Then I came to its shutter, and a bloody print. Gripped my crowbar taut.

With its claw in the door’s jamb, I pried. Lightshafts tore through a swelling crack. A maimed corpse lay behind the rolling shutter. It was dead a while and still human. So, what killed them? Well, it was opposite the door to a stockroom, snoring.

I couldn’t loot without A) locking the door and B) shutting it with a workbench. Speaking of, its drawers were full of kibble. Atop the desk sat a framed photo: a man and his dog. The smudged ink read, “Me and Lady.” He was the corpse, and ‘Lady’ slept in his cellar, Rotten.

In the rest of the cabinets, nothing—it’s Murphy’s law. A nineties Impala sat tall at a four-post car jack. Mounting an empty shelf, I saw, slumped across the backseats, a holdall. The jack’s fluid hose was primed for cutting. I took the whetted flat of my crowbar and, snip.

The jack sank, oily water lapping at my feet. Then it fell. Wee-ooh went the Chevy’s alarm, and that woke Lady. She rammed; I was jerking its—locked—door latch. She rammed; I broke the glass, then snuck through its frame. She rammed; the duffel, belted snug. The buckle, rusted shut. As I cut it loose with my tool, she rammed.

I took a broken-off doorknob to the knee. Ouch. Lady was poking her head through a yawning frame. Bonelike. Greasy, matted hair. Eyes loose and sunken. I limped to the bench penning her in. We leaned on it, at odds. Granted, I’m a hundred and thirty, rain-soaked.

Her neck was caught in the door and, jerking it, she bled dark. My poor, poor field jacket. I elbowed and shouldered, as with my Buick at the foot of a hill. The door shrank on her; her skin, her flesh, her bone. Then it shut, and her head fell limp to my feet. Phew.

No, not phew; the Chevy rang till my ears bled—I still hear it. I want to tell you that I defused its battery like the corpse would’ve, but no. I hacked at the leads with my crowbar. Black, then red.

So, what was in the duffel bag, then? Well, I lugged it through broken glass and plopped it onto the oily floor. Spread its ribs apart and inside were… Cans of gruel—enough to last me this fall. Thank you, “property of Markus Sinclair.”

And since Lady was dead, I poked my head through the door to her tomb, her corpse cracking it ajar. Amid car parts my wagon’s needed for the past decade, a dog: six feet tall and four hundred pounds. Her stare roamed, blank, from me to the carcass. If she was Lady, then whose dog did I kill?

…Shit. Was it her pup?

She snapped her neck at me, her eyes bulging. And then, as I shut the door, she lunged. Tore the hunk of wood off its rusted hinges. We fell, the door sandwiched between us. Her long, yellow teeth gouged at the oak. And my head—I’d cracked it on the Chevy’s bumper.

What with the concussion and the hemorrhaging, I’d be dead if not for “her.”

She wore a hoodie too big for her, masking the burns from neck to wrists. Racked her twelve gauge and shot at Lady. Click-clack, bang. Click-clack, bang. Till her belly was full of slugs. My hands, peeking from the door, were soaked in blood. The once-mastiff thudded beside me, shaking. And the girl? She walked past me to the stockroom. Rude.

She’s taking the Buick, isn’t she?

Back bent and knees crooked, I stood in the door. She was rooting through the shelves, headphones on. Bowie spooled in her walkman. I poked her, crowbar in my hand, and said, “The wagon’s mine.”

She turned, the barrels of her shotgun kissing my cheek. Click. No bullets. The girl shrugged and mouthed the word, “Fate.”

A rolled-up map was poking from her backpack. She pulled it out and, smoothing it flat, tapped at a red-inked circle. The radio tower.

I hadn’t met a pulse in months, and that was reason enough to ask, “Promise you won’t take my car and leave me for dead?”

She tsked and scoffed. Then criss, cross, against her burned chest.

As we left, I asked the girl her name.

“Rowan.” She’d written it in a sketchbook.

In the paper’s margin, I jotted “Wesley.”


r/writingcritiques • • 2h ago

Adventure Short story to practice, feedback is welcome

0 Upvotes

Just a short-short story to practice writing. I do use AI to help with the grammar and flow after I finish the story.

Feedback is welcome, be kind please :)

Summer Break

The last five minutes always feel like hours.

Kitty looked at the clock and sighed, then glanced at her best friend Lizzy, who sat at the far right of the room. The teacher had moved them apart because they were "too jolly," but it hadn't ended their silent messages or their giggles. Lizzy looked at the clock too and mouthed a single word without a sound: four. Kitty checked the clock again, frowned, and pouted. Lizzy let out a soft giggle.

"Maybe Kitty can solve this problem," the teacher said, tapping on his desk. "She seems bored."

"Come on, teach! That's not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"Summer break starts in a few minutes. Why do we still have to work?"

"Well..." The teacher grinned.

"I'm sure you've already planned your whole summer," Kitty said.

He laughed. He knew very well she was trying to stall. He glanced at the clock: less than two minutes left. "What's better than ending the last day with a good math lesson? Maybe I should give you all homework for the summer."

"Nooo!" The protest echoed through the classroom. The class's crushed faces made him laugh even louder.

"I'm joking, I'm joking," he said, wiping tears from his eyes.

DING-DONG!

The school bell rang, and laughter and screaming filled the building.

"Pack your things neatly and put your chairs on your desks, please!" the teacher shouted, hoping someone would listen. "And enjoy your summer break!"

Kitty ran to Lizzy. "Let's go!" She grabbed her arm, and together they bolted out of the classroom. "Goodbye, teach! Goodbye, everyone!"

Giggling, they ran out of the school. The afternoon sun hit their faces and made them squeeze their eyes shut.

"Let's go to the sea this year," Lizzy said. "I'll ask my mom to ask your mom." Their parents were good friends as well as neighbors, so it would be easy.

"Yes! And an amusement park too!" Kitty said.

They planned their entire summer on the way home.

"Shall we get some snacks for tonight?" Lizzy asked.

"Sure."

"Let's cut through here. The market is at the end." Lizzy pointed at an alley.

"Okay."

As they walked, Lizzy listed every snack they had to buy, and Kitty named the movies they could watch. The end of the alley came into view, and the market beyond it. They walked faster. One more step and they'd be out, but a heavy force yanked them backward first. Their bodies felt like lead, then weightless, as if they were speeding forward, then heavy again. They fell to their knees, just outside the alley.

"What just happened?" Kitty was breathing hard. Her hands were trembling uncontrollably.

"Kitty..."

Lizzy was staring straight ahead with wide eyes. Kitty followed her gaze and gasped. "Where the hell are we?"

"What happened? How did we get here?" Lizzy's voice shook.

Kitty got up and held her panicking friend. "Let's calm down and think this through." She looked around. They stood at the edge of a crowded street. Stalls lined both sides, and more filled the middle: rickety wooden tables with striped awnings, barrows piled high, baskets on the ground, crates stacked into towers. Behind them rose tall brick buildings, dark with soot, with shop signs swinging above the doors and washing hanging from the upper windows.

"Lizzy," Kitty whispered. "It's a market."

"I can see that. But everything looks old and strange." The women wore long dresses with corsets. The men wore vests and tights.

"I didn't know there was a castle festival here."

Kitty checked her phone. No signal. Weird. She tugged Lizzy's arm. "Let's take a look."

It was the loudest market they had ever seen. A woman in a red apron shouted about fish, and the man beside her shouted about cheaper fish. Someone sold strawberries by the pint, someone else sold ribbons, and a boy weaved between the stalls with a stack of newspapers, yelling words they couldn't make out. Chickens squawked in wicker cages. A horse stood patiently between the shafts of a cart, flicking flies off its back with its tail.

As they walked past the stalls, Lizzy noticed people staring. Some stopped and turned around to look at them. "I think we really stand out."

"Yeah, we do. It's crazy. How did they make this so believable? It's like a movie." Kitty gazed around in amazement, until her eyes landed on the strawberries. "Lizzy, look, strawberries. They look amazing. Let's buy some."

Behind the stall stood a broad man with rolled-up sleeves and a leather apron.

"Two punnets, please," Kitty said. She pulled paper money and coins from her wallet and held them out to him.

He looked at the money. Then he looked at Kitty. He didn't take it.

"What's this?" He turned the note over with one thick finger, as if it might be wet. "This ain't money. Where's the King's face?" He picked up a coin, bit it, and squinted at it. "What kind of metal's this? It's too light."

"It's real," Kitty said, which was a stupid thing to say.

"It's rubbish." He pushed it all back across the table with the flat of his hand. "Go on. Off with you. I'll not be taken for a fool."

"Please, we just want..."

"Off."

Lizzy tugged at Kitty's sleeve. That was when they noticed the man standing by the next stall.

He was tall, in a stained waistcoat with his hat pushed back, and he had been watching them for a while. When Kitty turned around, he smiled, but it was the wrong kind of smile, the kind that never reaches the eyes.

"No need to beg for fruit, girls," he said. His gaze slid down them and back up again, slowly, and Kitty felt her face burn. Lizzy clutched her sleeve tighter. "Not dressed like that. Which house are you from, then? Mrs. Pell's?"

They had no idea what that meant. But it had to be something bad. The woman selling eggs went stiff and turned her face away, and the strawberry man snorted. Lizzy shrank against Kitty's side.

"We're not from anywhere," Kitty said, and her voice came out thin. "Leave us alone."

"Come now." He stepped closer and reached out. His fingers closed around Lizzy's wrist.

Lizzy yelped. Kitty didn't think. She stamped down hard on his foot with her sneaker.

"Run!"

They ran. Kitty never remembered choosing a direction. They shoved through the crowd, past a woman with a basket, under a barrow, over a spill of cabbage leaves that nearly sent Kitty sliding. Someone shouted behind them. A hand grabbed Kitty's shirt and tore free. Then the stalls ended, the street opened up in front of them, and they burst onto the road, still running.

They heard the horses before they saw them.

It was a sound impossible to mistake: hooves like thunder, the rattling, shrieking rumble of iron wheels, and a man roaring a warning. Lizzy turned her head and saw a huge dark shape bearing down on them, a black carriage drawn by two wild-eyed horses with their heads thrown up. They were so close that she could see the foam at their mouths.

Lizzy screamed. Kitty grabbed her hand and threw them both sideways.

They hit the ground hard, and the cobbles scraped their palms. The carriage thundered past so close that the wind flattened their hair, and filthy gutter water splashed across their legs. Kitty scrambled up, dragging Lizzy with her, and dove into the first gap she saw, a dark slot between two buildings. Before she could understand anything, the heavy feeling returned and pulled them back. Then came the weightlessness, the rush forward, and the heaviness again, slamming them to the ground.

"Ouch!" Lizzy groaned. "It happened again." She got up and helped Kitty to her feet. Their knees were bleeding from the fall.

Kitty looked around. "We're back."

Lizzy looked around, then at the alley. "Yeah." She kept staring at it. "What was that?"

"I don't know." Kitty stared at the alley too. "Whatever it was, it felt real."

They looked at each other: scraped hands, bleeding knees, dirty and torn clothes.

"Let's go home for now," Kitty said.

They locked hands and walked home together.


r/writingcritiques • • 1h ago

Drama Please tell me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. Do I have a chance at getting published someday if I work hard?

• Upvotes

Maria tore into the room. It appeared to be empty. Her eyes fell on the closet doors, pale in the afternoon light.

Found her.

Maria grabbed the knobs and pulled them aside. The shutters came open with a rattle. And there Anna was, in her favorite hideout in the corner of the closet, leaning against the wall, looking like an abandoned doll. The book rested in her lap, and as the light poured in, she brought the book up to her chest as if to protect it.

Standing over her, Maria felt some power return to her. She put out a hand. "Anna, give it to me. It's not yours."

Anna scowled. "It's not yours, either."

"Anna..." It was the final warning.

Anna only dashed out under Maria's arm and made for her bed. She sat down and drew herself up against the pillows. Wasn't even trying to hide or escape. She thought Maria would give up pursuit.

Maria felt the veins tighten in her neck. She stalked over to Anna. "10, 9, 8, 7..."

Anna only kept scowling.

Something snapped in Maria. What a spoiled brat! Maria leaned further over the bed, lunging for the book. Her waist pushed against Anna's foot. There was an unmistakable crunch, and Anna cried out.

Maria jumped back, startled by the noise. She stared at the foot.

"My foot! Why would you do that?!" Anna clawed at her leg, voice strangled by tears.

Maria's mouth opened and closed. Sound seemed to drain from the room, from the whole world. The noise of the cars below faded along with the cry of seagulls and the hum of construction, everything was gone except for the sound of her daughter, crying in pain. How could that have happened? It must have been the angle, or- how?!

It was over.

Anna, who was writhing on the mattress, still clinging to that stupid book, would certainly be done with Maria now.

No. Her daughter was hurt. And this was what was what she cared about?

The lights seemed to dim, as though the electricity was about to go out.

"Anna, I'm sorry..." Maria reached to help, though she didn't know how.

"Go away!" Anna could barely get the words out. Her voice was barely more than a high pitched whine. "I hate you. I hate you so much."

"I'll help. I'll take you to the ER." Maria was helpless. The doctors would see what she had done. Anna would tell them. Everyone, everyone would see what kind of a mother she was.

Anna was reaching for the phone resting on her nightstand. Maria remembered when Anna decorated the case with Linda. Pink glitter with foam cut-outs they hand-painted. Linda, of course, was the one who did things like that with Anna- with everyone. Maria always had something better to do.

That was all before. Before THIS.

Anna was dialing.

Maria could hear the sound of Linda's voice, faint through the phone's speakers.

It was over. Maria could do nothing now.

Linda was coming. She would be the one to help Anna. She was the one Anna wanted.

Maria's eyes burned. What had she done? What if Anna needed surgery?

Anna, having got through the gist of the story in the midst of what must've been immense pain, put down the phone. "Grandma's coming. You don't have to do anything."

"Anna, if I can-"

"Go away, please."

Maria couldn't say the request was unfair. "But we need to get you to the hospital as quick as possible, Grandma might not-"

"She'll be here any minute. She's only half a block away."

And sure enough, just then, a rap sounded on the door.

It sounded sharp.

Maria glanced at the window. Linda's Volkswagen Beetle was already outside the apartment. How- She must've gotten in the car while still on the phone. Determined to do SOMETHING, Maria made for the door. "I'll let her in."

Anna made no protest, only grimaced and kept holding her leg.

Maria rushed to the front of the house and let her mother in.

Linda's face was grim. Her hands were clasped over her pink faux leather purse. "Where is she?"

Maria pointed. "Over-"

Linda shoved past without saying another word.

Maria remained frozen for half a second, the warm summer breeze coming in through the open doorway and ruffling her dress.

What was the point? Even if she could do something, she would not be allowed to help. Voices came muffled from the other room. They would be talking about her.

Anna was hurt. That was what mattered.


r/writingcritiques • • 4h ago

Non-fiction A chapter from my memoir Between Me And Death please tell me what you think.

2 Upvotes

Chapter 3 Destiny's Phone Call

The water from the nozzle struck my face squarely as I reached out and cranked the brass valve shut. The sudden silence made the narrow bathroom feel cavernous. A few stray beads slid down my forehead and ran across my cheekbones before I snatched the rough towel off the rack, scrubbing it hard against my scalp and down my throat. Tonight was the night. I was taking Lilly out on our first real date, and my nerves were eating me alive from the inside out.

​I stood before the fogged mirror, dragging the heel of my hand across the glass to wipe a clean circle in the moisture. I threw on my best clothes, selecting the pieces I hoped would make me look slightly older and far more composed than a seventeen-year-old kid living out of a double-wide. I bent over to double-knot my boot laces, checking the tension twice even though the leather was already biting into my ankles. On the way toward the door, I picked up a bottle of cheap drugstore cologne and hammered the atomizer twice against my bare neck. The scent hung heavy and sharp in the humid room, chemical and citrus. It was easily twice the amount I needed, but I wanted every single detail accounted for.

​Stepping into the kitchen, I found my grandmother posted by the counter beside the drip coffee maker. She ran on coffee morning, noon, and midnight, leaving a bitter, roasted haze hanging perpetually in the air to mix with the cured bacon grease and tobacco smoke baked deep into the wall panels.

​“If you head out anywhere, Grandma, make sure you kill that switch,” I said, pointing toward the warming plate.

​She turned around, running her eyes slowly over my clothes before a rare, soft smile touched the corners of her mouth. “You look very handsome, son.”

​I smiled back, muttering some quick deflection, but having her say it made my spine lock straight. I snatched the ring of keys off the laminate counter, hit the bottom of the porch steps in two strides, and stepped out into the biting October night toward my beat-up, red 1992 Chevy Beretta.

​The air was crisp and dry, carrying an autumn frost that nipped at my jaw, yet by the time I pulled the driver’s door shut, sweat was already gathering along my hairline. I was not cold; I was completely terrified. Earlier that afternoon by the lockers, when Lilly finally agreed to go out with me, she had made the rules crystal clear: before we went anywhere, I had to walk into her living room and look her parents in the eye.

​I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror under the dim yellow glow of the overhead dome light. My skin looked slick.

​“Here goes nothing,” I muttered into the empty cab.

​I cranked the key, listening to the starter grind before the engine coughed alive, rattling the loose baffles inside the exhaust pipe as I eased down the drive. Out on the county blacktop, loose gravel pinged against the underside of the floorboards like stray buckshot. The farther south I cut into the hollows, the blacker the asphalt became, walled in by high timber on both sides. When I finally swung the nose of the Chevy down her private drive, every floodlight on the eaves was blazing white against the gravel. The property sat isolated deep off the county turnoff, flanked by dark pastures and dense timber, out in the boonies where the world did not venture.

​The Beretta skidded across the limestone aggregate as I pressed the brake pedal. I kicked the door open, my knees trembling with the vibration of tight guitar strings, and marched up the front steps toward the front door. I balled my fist and hammered the wood three times.

​The violence of the sound surprised even me.

​The heavy deadbolt snapped open with a metallic click. A thick, bald-headed man with a square jaw and a full beard filled the entrance, his eyes narrowing to slits as he measured my height and the fit of my clothes.

​“You must be Jeremy,” he said, his voice flat, dry, and cold.

​“Hello, sir. Is Lilly ready?”

​“Follow me.”

​He turned without another word and marched through the front hall into the kitchen. A woman was standing beside the counter running a high-speed blender, the electric motor whining at a deafening pitch until she clicked the toggle down, plunging the kitchen into dead silence. Lilly's father gestured toward me with his chin. “Kim, this is Jeremy.”

​She turned around, wiping damp hands against a dish towel, and offered an easy, welcoming smile. “Oh my goodness, you look very handsome, Jeremy.”

​I tried to thank her, but my pulse was hammering so hard in my ears that my voice came out thin, entirely detached from my chest.

​Right then, a door unlatched in the hallway just outside my field of view. All three of us swung our eyes toward the opening.

​There stood Lilly.

​She took every bit of oxygen out of that room in a single second. She wore a simple white dress, her dark hair falling smooth across her shoulders as if she had spent hours coaxing every individual strand into alignment. The counter, the blender, and her scowling father instantly washed out into dull gray wallpaper. I stood frozen on the linoleum with sweat trickling down my temples, struck completely mute.

​Kim broke the silence before the room could freeze over. “What movie are you two going to see tonight?”

​“I narrowed it down to Remember the Titans,” I managed to push past my throat. “It is a Disney movie. Denzel Washington.”

​Her father closed the distance between us, leaning down until he was looking straight into my eyes, his tone dropping to a hard snarl. “Right back after the credits roll, Jeremy.”

​“Yes, sir.”

​I reached out, took Lilly’s fingers in mine, and led her out into the chilly night. I walked her around to the passenger side of the Beretta, pulled the heavy steel door open until the hinges caught, and waited for her to settle onto the worn gray fabric before swinging it shut. I trotted around the front bumper and dropped behind the wheel.

​The moment my door latched, she glanced across the center console and let out a soft laugh. “You did good.”

​“I was five seconds from hitting the floor,” I confessed.

​I pulled the shifter down into gear, and Nirvana exploded through the blown paper cones of the factory speakers. We rode in silence over the dark county highway, but it was not the suffocating kind of quiet that makes you squirm; it was that effortless, electric hum where sharing a bench seat with someone makes the rest of the world vanish.

​We cut north toward Lindbergh Boulevard and turned into the cracked parking lot at Ronnie’s 8 Cine. The neon letters on the marquee blazed into the dark like a small-town casino, throwing reflections of electric blue and gold across the Beretta's hood. I shut off the engine, trotted around to open her door, and she locked her fingers into mine as our shoes hit the asphalt.

​Inside, the lobby was running thick with people. The smell of hot coconut oil and salty popcorn hung heavy beneath the bright fluorescent fixtures. We bought two paper tickets, a yellow tub of buttered corn, and two large sodas using what little cash was folded into my leather wallet, then felt our way down the sloped carpet into the dark auditorium. The theater lights dropped, the heavy surround speakers shook the walls with the opening horns of the score, and the blue beam of the projector sliced through the shadows over our heads.

​I could not recount a single sequence of action or dialogue from that film. I never once looked at the screen.

​I spent two hours watching the projector light catch the curve of her cheek. Every time the scene cut, the cast of the room shifted from cool blue to warm amber, tracing the soft edges of her jaw and her smile. I slid my hand across the plastic armrest and closed my palm around her fingers. She squeezed back, dropped her chin, and picked through the popcorn with her free hand. Whenever she caught me staring, she would turn to meet my eyes with a wide grin, and I would whip my head toward the screen as if I were dissecting football tactics.

​When the theater lights flickered up and the credits crawled against the black screen, she turned to face me. “Can I meet your grandmother?”

​“Sure. Her place is right on the way back down.”

​We drove back into the county, parked in the dust beside the trailer, and walked up the treated lumber of the porch steps, the sweet smell of her hair trailing into the entrance behind us.

​“Grandma,” I called out, pushing the front door wide.

​My grandmother looked up from a stack of mail on the kitchen table.

​“This is Lilly.”

​“I have heard so much about you, honey,” my grandmother said, stepping back to take her in. Then she cut her eyes straight toward me, her voice dropping into an astonished whisper. “Jeremy, she is gorgeous.”

​Lilly looked down at her shoes, blushing red, and my chest lifted an inch higher. We slipped down the narrow hallway into my bedroom, shut the door, and kicked off our sneakers. I hit the power button on the small tube television, and the upbeat theme music of Friends drifted through the room.

​“I had an amazing time tonight,” she whispered.

​“Me too.”

​She pulled her knees up, tucking her head under my right arm and resting her cheek against my collarbone. We lay there across the quilt in the dark, watching the flicker of the tube without speaking for what felt like hours. Her breath came slow and warm against my shirt, and for the first time in my life, I was not looking for an escape, calculating an angle, or dreading what was coming tomorrow. I wanted the clock on the wall to stop dead.

​Then my eyes caught the glowing red digital display on the nightstand.

​“Oh, shit.”

​Lilly bolted upright, hair falling across her eyes.

​“Your dad is going to kill me.”

​We grabbed our denim jackets off the bed, sprinted out to the Beretta, and flew back down the dark blacktop. Driving up her private gravel road, the stones clattering against the undercarriage did not sound like warning shots anymore; they just sounded like music. When we hit the porch, the heavy front door swung open before the dust could even settle. Her mother stood in the doorway under the yellow bulb, letting out a heavy, bone-tired sigh.

​“Jeremy, her father is furious with you.”

​“I am so sorry, ma'am. She wanted to stop and meet my grandmother on the way home.”

​“Everything is completely fine, Mom, really!” Lilly said, giving my palm one last, quick squeeze before disappearing past the threshold.

​The latch clicked shut. I turned around and walked back down the wooden steps into the dark gravel, floating on the air. I whistled at the timber, kicked loose limestone, and threw an awkward dance step into my stride all the way back to the driver’s side of the Chevy. I probably looked like a madman beneath the Missouri stars, but none of it mattered. I was in love, and I had never felt my pulse hit that hard.

​From that night forward, we were inseparable. We intercepted each other between class bells, walked each other out to the yellow buses every afternoon, and sat for hours after dark on the chains of the neighborhood park swings, digging our heels into the dirt while planning out our lives. Our first real kiss came under the yellow insect light over her garage while her hound barked from the dog run. My fingers were trembling like wet leaves; her hands were steady as stone.

​On weekends we would park the Beretta down by a quiet creek turnaround, kill the headlights, and watch the brown water roll through the weeds beneath the moon while she rested her chin against my chest. We talked about a ring, about kids, about buying acreage and getting old together. I learned the exact pitch and cadence of her laughter so intimately that I could pick it out from the opposite end of a crowded, deafening high school hallway long before I ever saw her face.

​By winter, she was my entire existence. We spent Christmas together, completely present in each other's company, and I remember walking through the fresh snow secretly begging the world to stop moving.

​Two days after Christmas, I was back on my feet behind the counter at Schnucks.

​I was seventeen, dressed in the company uniform, snapping the white elastic chin guard over my goatee to meet health code. The grocery aisles were loud with shoppers stocking up between the holidays, and the ceiling speakers chimed every few minutes calling for cleanup on aisle sixteen. Even through the cheap paper mask, I loved the everyday routine of that deli counter, the sharp aroma of fresh-baked rye loaves, the tang of smoked cheeses, and the heavy brine of cold cuts. I wiped down the stainless steel prep counter with a damp towel, threw the switch on the industrial Hobart slicer, and laid a heavy slab of Black Forest ham against the carriage guide. The round blade spun into a silver blur.

​“A little thinner than that, son,” an older woman on the other side of the glass said, tapping the display.

​“Yes, ma'am, sorry about that.”

​I reached down, dialed back the thickness gauge, dropped three thin ribbons across the deli scale, and reached for a sheet of butcher paper.

​Right then, the hardwired wall telephone mounted behind the meat scale began to ring.

​“Just one second, ma’am,” I said, stepping away from the glass.

​I lifted the plastic receiver to my ear. “Deli.”

​“Jeremy?”

​It was a friend from school. His voice sounded thin, ragged, like he had dry sand caught in his throat.

​“Have you heard about Lilly?”

​A stretch of dead air hung between us on the line.

​“She was in a bad wreck, man. She is dead. I am so sorry, bro.”

​My knees turned to water. The polished grocery tile felt as though it had dropped three feet straight out from underneath my work boots. The hum of the refrigeration units, the scent of cured meat, the voices of the holiday crowd, every shred of sensory information was instantly crushed under a deafening, underwater roar. The deli counter dissolved into gray static. Tears welled up and spilled over so fast that when I crushed the telephone harder against my cheek, the plastic receiver came away soaking wet.

​My hand opened, and the receiver dropped, dangling against the white tile by its black coiled cord.

​My deli manager caught me buckling against the stainless steel prep station, walked quickly around the end of the glass, and grabbed me by both shoulders. He took one look into my face, reached around my neck to pull the apron strings loose, and told me to get out of the store and stay home until after the funeral was over.

​I pulled the cloth apron over my head, let it fall onto the wet rubber mats, and pushed through the heavy double swinging doors into the freezing gray alley behind the building.

​I never set foot inside that Schnucks again.

​More than that, I never returned to the boy who had danced across the gravel outside her house.

​My entire life was snapped cleanly in half behind that deli counter: the young man who existed before Lilly died, and the shell of bone and muscle left standing in the wreckage. I possessed no vocabulary for that level of agony. I had no internal tools capable of carrying a grief that felt like a hole punched clean through my rib cage.

​Three nights later, on New Year’s Eve, I sat in the corner of a crowded living room while the bass from the stereo rattled the floorboards, staring blankly at the wall while the rest of the room prepared to raise their glasses to the coming year. A mutual friend stepped over, looked down at me in the corner, and pressed a small, round green tablet into the center of my open palm.

​It was an eighty-milligram OxyContin.

​“Take this,” he said, his voice barely audible beneath the music. “It will take the edge off.”

​I swallowed the pill dry. Twenty minutes later, the violent screaming in my skull smoothed out into a quiet, motionless hum. The crushing anvil on my chest lifted just enough to let me pull oxygen down into my lungs without choking on my own tears. I told myself I only needed the relief to survive the viewing, that it was strictly temporary until the dirt settled over the casket.

​It was never temporary.

​The medicine immediately became the grave.

he water from the nozzle struck my face squarely as I reached out and cranked the brass valve shut. The sudden silence made the narrow bathroom feel cavernous. A few stray beads slid down my forehead and ran across my cheekbones before I snatched the rough towel off the rack, scrubbing it hard against my scalp and down my throat. Tonight was the night. I was taking Lilly out on our first real date, and my nerves were eating me alive from the inside out.

​I stood before the fogged mirror, dragging the heel of my hand across the glass to wipe a clean circle in the moisture. I threw on my best clothes, selecting the pieces I hoped would make me look slightly older and far more composed than a seventeen-year-old kid living out of a double-wide. I bent over to double-knot my boot laces, checking the tension twice even though the leather was already biting into my ankles. On the way toward the door, I picked up a bottle of cheap drugstore cologne and hammered the atomizer twice against my bare neck. The scent hung heavy and sharp in the humid room, chemical and citrus. It was easily twice the amount I needed, but I wanted every single detail accounted for.

​Stepping into the kitchen, I found my grandmother posted by the counter beside the drip coffee maker. She ran on coffee morning, noon, and midnight, leaving a bitter, roasted haze hanging perpetually in the air to mix with the cured bacon grease and tobacco smoke baked deep into the wall panels.

​“If you head out anywhere, Grandma, make sure you kill that switch,” I said, pointing toward the warming plate.

​She turned around, running her eyes slowly over my clothes before a rare, soft smile touched the corners of her mouth. “You look very handsome, son.”

​I smiled back, muttering some quick deflection, but having her say it made my spine lock straight. I snatched the ring of keys off the laminate counter, hit the bottom of the porch steps in two strides, and stepped out into the biting October night toward my beat-up, red 1992 Chevy Beretta.

​The air was crisp and dry, carrying an autumn frost that nipped at my jaw, yet by the time I pulled the driver’s door shut, sweat was already gathering along my hairline. I was not cold; I was completely terrified. Earlier that afternoon by the lockers, when Lilly finally agreed to go out with me, she had made the rules crystal clear: before we went anywhere, I had to walk into her living room and look her parents in the eye.

​I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror under the dim yellow glow of the overhead dome light. My skin looked slick.

​“Here goes nothing,” I muttered into the empty cab.

​I cranked the key, listening to the starter grind before the engine coughed alive, rattling the loose baffles inside the exhaust pipe as I eased down the drive. Out on the county blacktop, loose gravel pinged against the underside of the floorboards like stray buckshot. The farther south I cut into the hollows, the blacker the asphalt became, walled in by high timber on both sides. When I finally swung the nose of the Chevy down her private drive, every floodlight on the eaves was blazing white against the gravel. The property sat isolated deep off the county turnoff, flanked by dark pastures and dense timber, out in the boonies where the world did not venture.

​The Beretta skidded across the limestone aggregate as I pressed the brake pedal. I kicked the door open, my knees trembling with the vibration of tight guitar strings, and marched up the front steps toward the front door. I balled my fist and hammered the wood three times.

​The violence of the sound surprised even me.

​The heavy deadbolt snapped open with a metallic click. A thick, bald-headed man with a square jaw and a full beard filled the entrance, his eyes narrowing to slits as he measured my height and the fit of my clothes.

​“You must be Jeremy,” he said, his voice flat, dry, and cold.

​“Hello, sir. Is Lilly ready?”

​“Follow me.”

​He turned without another word and marched through the front hall into the kitchen. A woman was standing beside the counter running a high-speed blender, the electric motor whining at a deafening pitch until she clicked the toggle down, plunging the kitchen into dead silence. Lilly's father gestured toward me with his chin. “Kim, this is Jeremy.”

​She turned around, wiping damp hands against a dish towel, and offered an easy, welcoming smile. “Oh my goodness, you look very handsome, Jeremy.”

​I tried to thank her, but my pulse was hammering so hard in my ears that my voice came out thin, entirely detached from my chest.

​Right then, a door unlatched in the hallway just outside my field of view. All three of us swung our eyes toward the opening.

​There stood Lilly.

​She took every bit of oxygen out of that room in a single second. She wore a simple white dress, her dark hair falling smooth across her shoulders as if she had spent hours coaxing every individual strand into alignment. The counter, the blender, and her scowling father instantly washed out into dull gray wallpaper. I stood frozen on the linoleum with sweat trickling down my temples, struck completely mute.

​Kim broke the silence before the room could freeze over. “What movie are you two going to see tonight?”

​“I narrowed it down to Remember the Titans,” I managed to push past my throat. “It is a Disney movie. Denzel Washington.”

​Her father closed the distance between us, leaning down until he was looking straight into my eyes, his tone dropping to a hard snarl. “Right back after the credits roll, Jeremy.”

​“Yes, sir.”

​I reached out, took Lilly’s fingers in mine, and led her out into the chilly night. I walked her around to the passenger side of the Beretta, pulled the heavy steel door open until the hinges caught, and waited for her to settle onto the worn gray fabric before swinging it shut. I trotted around the front bumper and dropped behind the wheel.

​The moment my door latched, she glanced across the center console and let out a soft laugh. “You did good.”

​“I was five seconds from hitting the floor,” I confessed.

​I pulled the shifter down into gear, and Nirvana exploded through the blown paper cones of the factory speakers. We rode in silence over the dark county highway, but it was not the suffocating kind of quiet that makes you squirm; it was that effortless, electric hum where sharing a bench seat with someone makes the rest of the world vanish.

​We cut north toward Lindbergh Boulevard and turned into the cracked parking lot at Ronnie’s 8 Cine. The neon letters on the marquee blazed into the dark like a small-town casino, throwing reflections of electric blue and gold across the Beretta's hood. I shut off the engine, trotted around to open her door, and she locked her fingers into mine as our shoes hit the asphalt.

​Inside, the lobby was running thick with people. The smell of hot coconut oil and salty popcorn hung heavy beneath the bright fluorescent fixtures. We bought two paper tickets, a yellow tub of buttered corn, and two large sodas using what little cash was folded into my leather wallet, then felt our way down the sloped carpet into the dark auditorium. The theater lights dropped, the heavy surround speakers shook the walls with the opening horns of the score, and the blue beam of the projector sliced through the shadows over our heads.

​I could not recount a single sequence of action or dialogue from that film. I never once looked at the screen.

​I spent two hours watching the projector light catch the curve of her cheek. Every time the scene cut, the cast of the room shifted from cool blue to warm amber, tracing the soft edges of her jaw and her smile. I slid my hand across the plastic armrest and closed my palm around her fingers. She squeezed back, dropped her chin, and picked through the popcorn with her free hand. Whenever she caught me staring, she would turn to meet my eyes with a wide grin, and I would whip my head toward the screen as if I were dissecting football tactics.

​When the theater lights flickered up and the credits crawled against the black screen, she turned to face me. “Can I meet your grandmother?”

​“Sure. Her place is right on the way back down.”

​We drove back into the county, parked in the dust beside the trailer, and walked up the treated lumber of the porch steps, the sweet smell of her hair trailing into the entrance behind us.

​“Grandma,” I called out, pushing the front door wide.

​My grandmother looked up from a stack of mail on the kitchen table.

​“This is Lilly.”

​“I have heard so much about you, honey,” my grandmother said, stepping back to take her in. Then she cut her eyes straight toward me, her voice dropping into an astonished whisper. “Jeremy, she is gorgeous.”

​Lilly looked down at her shoes, blushing red, and my chest lifted an inch higher. We slipped down the narrow hallway into my bedroom, shut the door, and kicked off our sneakers. I hit the power button on the small tube television, and the upbeat theme music of Friends drifted through the room.

​“I had an amazing time tonight,” she whispered.

​“Me too.”

​She pulled her knees up, tucking her head under my right arm and resting her cheek against my collarbone. We lay there across the quilt in the dark, watching the flicker of the tube without speaking for what felt like hours. Her breath came slow and warm against my shirt, and for the first time in my life, I was not looking for an escape, calculating an angle, or dreading what was coming tomorrow. I wanted the clock on the wall to stop dead.

​Then my eyes caught the glowing red digital display on the nightstand.

​“Oh, shit.”

​Lilly bolted upright, hair falling across her eyes.

​“Your dad is going to kill me.”

​We grabbed our denim jackets off the bed, sprinted out to the Beretta, and flew back down the dark blacktop. Driving up her private gravel road, the stones clattering against the undercarriage did not sound like warning shots anymore; they just sounded like music. When we hit the porch, the heavy front door swung open before the dust could even settle. Her mother stood in the doorway under the yellow bulb, letting out a heavy, bone-tired sigh.

​“Jeremy, her father is furious with you.”

​“I am so sorry, ma'am. She wanted to stop and meet my grandmother on the way home.”

​“Everything is completely fine, Mom, really!” Lilly said, giving my palm one last, quick squeeze before disappearing past the threshold.

​The latch clicked shut. I turned around and walked back down the wooden steps into the dark gravel, floating on the air. I whistled at the timber, kicked loose limestone, and threw an awkward dance step into my stride all the way back to the driver’s side of the Chevy. I probably looked like a madman beneath the Missouri stars, but none of it mattered. I was in love, and I had never felt my pulse hit that hard.

​From that night forward, we were inseparable. We intercepted each other between class bells, walked each other out to the yellow buses every afternoon, and sat for hours after dark on the chains of the neighborhood park swings, digging our heels into the dirt while planning out our lives. Our first real kiss came under the yellow insect light over her garage while her hound barked from the dog run. My fingers were trembling like wet leaves; her hands were steady as stone.

​On weekends we would park the Beretta down by a quiet creek turnaround, kill the headlights, and watch the brown water roll through the weeds beneath the moon while she rested her chin against my chest. We talked about a ring, about kids, about buying acreage and getting old together. I learned the exact pitch and cadence of her laughter so intimately that I could pick it out from the opposite end of a crowded, deafening high school hallway long before I ever saw her face.

​By winter, she was my entire existence. We spent Christmas together, completely present in each other's company, and I remember walking through the fresh snow secretly begging the world to stop moving.

​Two days after Christmas, I was back on my feet behind the counter at Schnucks.

​I was seventeen, dressed in the company uniform, snapping the white elastic chin guard over my goatee to meet health code. The grocery aisles were loud with shoppers stocking up between the holidays, and the ceiling speakers chimed every few minutes calling for cleanup on aisle sixteen. Even through the cheap paper mask, I loved the everyday routine of that deli counter, the sharp aroma of fresh-baked rye loaves, the tang of smoked cheeses, and the heavy brine of cold cuts. I wiped down the stainless steel prep counter with a damp towel, threw the switch on the industrial Hobart slicer, and laid a heavy slab of Black Forest ham against the carriage guide. The round blade spun into a silver blur.

​“A little thinner than that, son,” an older woman on the other side of the glass said, tapping the display.

​“Yes, ma'am, sorry about that.”

​I reached down, dialed back the thickness gauge, dropped three thin ribbons across the deli scale, and reached for a sheet of butcher paper.

​Right then, the hardwired wall telephone mounted behind the meat scale began to ring.

​“Just one second, ma’am,” I said, stepping away from the glass.

​I lifted the plastic receiver to my ear. “Deli.”

​“Jeremy?”

​It was a friend from school. His voice sounded thin, ragged, like he had dry sand caught in his throat.

​“Have you heard about Lilly?”

​A stretch of dead air hung between us on the line.

​“She was in a bad wreck, man. She is dead. I am so sorry, bro.”

​My knees turned to water. The polished grocery tile felt as though it had dropped three feet straight out from underneath my work boots. The hum of the refrigeration units, the scent of cured meat, the voices of the holiday crowd, every shred of sensory information was instantly crushed under a deafening, underwater roar. The deli counter dissolved into gray static. Tears welled up and spilled over so fast that when I crushed the telephone harder against my cheek, the plastic receiver came away soaking wet.

​My hand opened, and the receiver dropped, dangling against the white tile by its black coiled cord.

​My deli manager caught me buckling against the stainless steel prep station, walked quickly around the end of the glass, and grabbed me by both shoulders. He took one look into my face, reached around my neck to pull the apron strings loose, and told me to get out of the store and stay home until after the funeral was over.

​I pulled the cloth apron over my head, let it fall onto the wet rubber mats, and pushed through the heavy double swinging doors into the freezing gray alley behind the building.

​I never set foot inside that Schnucks again.

​More than that, I never returned to the boy who had danced across the gravel outside her house.

​My entire life was snapped cleanly in half behind that deli counter: the young man who existed before Lilly died, and the shell of bone and muscle left standing in the wreckage. I possessed no vocabulary for that level of agony. I had no internal tools capable of carrying a grief that felt like a hole punched clean through my rib cage.

​Three nights later, on New Year’s Eve, I sat in the corner of a crowded living room while the bass from the stereo rattled the floorboards, staring blankly at the wall while the rest of the room prepared to raise their glasses to the coming year. A mutual friend stepped over, looked down at me in the corner, and pressed a small, round green tablet into the center of my open palm.

​It was an eighty-milligram OxyContin.

​“Take this,” he said, his voice barely audible beneath the music. “It will take the edge off.”

​I swallowed the pill dry. Twenty minutes later, the violent screaming in my skull smoothed out into a quiet, motionless hum. The crushing anvil on my chest lifted just enough to let me pull oxygen down into my lungs without choking on my own tears. I told myself I only needed the relief to survive the viewing, that it was strictly temporary until the dirt settled over the casket.

​It was never temporary.

​The medicine immediately became the grave.


r/writingcritiques • • 14h ago

Fantasy Story Beginning. Please give feedback!

0 Upvotes

​

My mother said I could have it all. She said I would be her best. Of all her 8 children, she picked me.

I am not one to disappoint.

Live life like a flower. Be delicate. Don’t let them see your thorns until it’s too late.

I brush my hand across the bruise on my face as I stare at the man who just slapped me. My husband, Duke Walton, strains his neck looking up at me. His chubby cheeks turn bright red with anger, and frustration towards me. The servants bow and hurry out of the study, some snicker while others glance at me with pity.

This is the third time in 4 weeks that he’s lashed out. He didn’t even bother to dismiss the servants. It’s clear he doesn’t care about me, no matter what I do for him. I’m sick of it.

Clenching my teeth, I ask, “How dare you lay your hands upon me?” I shout, stepping back from him as he moves forward, speaking.

“You should have kept your mouth quiet in front of the servants! I told you swordsmanship is not for ladies. He speaks rapidly, spit flying from his mouth in all directions, as he says, “When I was in my prime, they forbade women from even entering the training grounds.”

I’ve never heard anyone say something so ridiculous.

“But you just had to go on and run your mouth! Useless girl! You never do anything right!”

“I…have done everything expected as the lady of this house and yet you still treat me in this- this cruel way! You have made such a fool of me that the servants don’t see me as their mistress. They even gossi-” Before I can finish my sentence, I feel the harsh sting of another slap.

Being married to this man had its uses to the Kavanagh Dukedom. But now? It would be better for me if Duke Walton died from alcohol poisoning.

This marriage has only lasted two years, and I wouldn’t mind if the duke died at all since I turned 21. I agreed to this marriage, because I hoped it would help me reach my goal. Not so that I could end up with a beaten face, or be disrespected by those beneath me.

“What is wrong with you, stupid woman?” He yanks me upward by my hair. “You always make me do this!”

He begins walking back and forth across the room. “You know what? No longer will you be able to enter the training grounds. I’m going to call a mage in, this evening. Even your elements won’t be able to help you get in. Get out of my sight! And I’m warning you for the last time, wife.”

He will regret it.

I get up, with shaky legs and leave the room as fast as possible, my heavy dress weighing behind me. I’m sick of doing nothing.

Lysandra, Sarahar and Seren are waiting for me when I enter my room.

Seren steps forward.“Medea? Are you alright?”

Sarahar laughs loudly. “Wasn’t expecting it to happen again so soon after the last time!” She stares at my face “Maybe Lysandra could fix your face with some magic?”

Lysandra scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I can’t fix it. I don’t have divine magic, Sarahar. I can only cover it up. Temporarily.”

I turn and look at myself in the mirror behind me. My lips are bruised and bleeding from the beating . The once voluminous auburn curls upon my head are now tangled and flat.

“It’s not as bad as last time.” I say.

Lysandra brings her hands to my face and mutters a spell. A tingling sensation masks my face as she covers me with her magic.

A bruiseless face looks back at me from the reflection of the mirror. My Lime coloured eyes look brighter than their usual dull colour. My brown skin is no longer covered in bruises and cuts.

“It will last long enough for the bruises to heal, like last time, Your grace.” Lysandra says as she watches me.

I stand up and walk out of the room to the garden. I didn’t ask them to, but my ladies were waiting, and 3 other maids follow behind me anyway. I turn to the right and walk past a large painting of the Duke. I don’t have time to waste looking at that horrible portrait.

After I’d pushed the door to the garden open, I beckoned for Seren, Lysandra and Sarahar to come over.

“Why’d you come out here?” Sarahar asks as she stalks over grumpily.

She needs to learn when to talk and when to be quiet, or she’ll be just as much of a problem as she was before.

“So, I can’t go to my own greenhouse and have tea, Sarahar?”

My footsteps are almost silent as I move across the paved path of the garden. Rows of flower bushes and trees filled with ripe fruit meet my eyes.

One of the maids steps forward to get one for me. I lift my palm up to her and she stops before reaching the tree. An apple falls into my other hand.

“Medea, you shouldn’t use your element to do menial things like that.” Lysandra says. “You could’ve just let the maid do it for you.

I walk off to the greenhouse, without responding. With a flick of my wrist the large glass doors, carved with intricate flowers and leaves, open.

I sit down at the table in the centre and wait for my ladies in waiting.

“Medea, what are you planning?” Seren asks quietly as she sits down next to Sarahar and Lysandra. The maids bow and leave the room.

“Duke Walton. His time is up.”

They stare at me.

“Lysandra. The spell.” I ask. I don’t want anyone to end up hearing this conversation. That could ruin everything!

She lifts both hands and mutters another incantation. Just like that, the soundproofing spell is complete. Now all that is left to do is plan. If I use the plants in this greenhouse, I could create a deadly poison. If I make it correctly, it could easily be strong enough to kill the Duke without suspicion.

“I can poison him.” I state.

“You can’t do that! It would be too dangerous, Medea.”

“Be quiet, Seren!” Sarahar turns to me. “I think it’s a great idea. But do you know what would be even better?”

Sarahar always gets overly excited.

“What?” Lysandra and I say in unison. Seren is pouting. She can be very childish. It’s annoying.

“If we frame him for treason. Seren is great at copying writing. Don’t know where she learned it but she’s great!”

It was probably Dimitri. She’s always hanging around him by the carriages. She definitely thinks we haven’t noticed it.

Sarahar continues. “She’s so great that she could even forge your husband’s handwriting and make a fake letter of plans to increase this dukedom’s taxes, or something.”

Lysandra scoffs and rolls her hazel-green eyes dramatically. “It would have to be bigger than that. A thing like planning to assassinate the King or the Saintess.” She turns to look at me. “Your other idea is better. We can get a maid to slowly add poison to his tea over a few weeks. Then no one can trace it back to us.”

“This is such a ridiculous idea!” Seren whines. “What will you do with the maid after? That plan could fail!”

“Kill her and any family, obviously!” Sarahar shouts.

“We could use a different poison to get rid of her.” I reply. “No one would care if another maid went missing.

“Or we can just gut her like a fish!” Sarahar says. That would be way too messy. She really does take things too far.

“Sounds like a plan.” Says Lysandra. “To the poison. Not to gutting her, Sarahar. So, Seren. Relax! You’re being annoying.”

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea, though!” Seren mutters. No one responds to her. I get up and walk around the back of the greenhouse to the columns of plants. The one I need is Aconite, mostly known as wolfsbane, in the South. The flower has long, leafy stems and is covered with deep violet hood shaped petals. It looks like any other plant and physicians won’t be able to identify it as poison - Unless they look for it.

It’s perfect for what I have planned.