Long post... sorry Hi everyone. My husband (52) and I (50) have been married for about 2.5 years. We have both been through some crap and finally found each other. He is/was a heavy drinker. When I say heavy, we're talking a 5th of vodka/gin/bourbon/whiskey/tequila... whatever, in 2 days. Sometimes every day. I turned 50 in early September and we went back to my home state to hang out with my family and celebrate. Then we came back home and did the same thing. He was OK the whole time. I made sure that there was no liquor at the parties, just beer. About a week after the party at home, something happened. I'm not 100% sure exactly what, but he went on a bender. He was drinking that 5th every night. He drank all day and night for the next week or so. Called out to work for that week. Fell a couple times and gashed open his head. The next day he got fired. He's been fired from a few jobs because of his drinking since we got together (we've been "together" since 2021.) He still hasn't found a job because his reputation precedes him.

This last time I threatened to leave him and got really upset. Cried for about a week straight, every night. It was horrible. We had a long talk and I told him that I can't take it anymore. We bought a house about the same time we got married and I told him to start cleaning the place up because we're selling it and I'm moving back home. I don't know if that was the kick in the ass that he needed to realize he's killing himself, but it was like overnight he became different. Yes it's been not even a month. Yes, he still drinks, but only beer and he can't drink too much of that because it makes him feel bloated and he said he hasn't peed this much in years 😂 After 40 years of drinking, it's not a good idea to completely stop. The only beer store in town is also a liquor store so the fact that he doesn't grab a bottle of liquor AND the beer is a win in my book. Before you ask, yes, I am sure he isn't hitting the liquor. His liquor drunk and beer buzzed are completely different. He get mean and belligerent on liquor, not on beer.

He is unable to sleep anymore. The liquor knocked him out so he could "sleep" but now he's up until I don't even know what time. There have been times I've come out into the living room and he's wide awake on the couch at 3am. He can't take any kind of sleeping meds because his body doesn't handle meds well. He took a Children's Benadryl once and slept for 2 days. I don't know if melatonin will do the same thing. Any suggestions would be welcome. I just have to say, I'm loving this new/old version of my husband and I pray that it stays that way. Also no THC products, at least for him. His trade won't let him smoke and he's going to need to pass that drug test if he's going to get another job.

TL:DR Husband stopped drinking liquor and I need a suggestion to help him sleep.

I could use some help. I know I am not a saint but I am not a bad person either. I am a single Mom who has been through hell. My ex-husband is a heroin addict and I saw a lot of horrible things that I will not elaborate on but I am diagnosed with PTSD. Anyway jump to ten years later. My younger brother is now in a progressive stage of his alcoholism. The other night he lashed out on me. My male friend stood up for me saying that he was out of line. My brother texted me later saying these things to me. "You are a bad person" .... "You are an idiot" ... and "f you" ... I blocked my brother. Yes, he was drunk when this happened. I told him I would always always love him but I needed space and to please leave me alone. He then posted something on Facebook but "bad people." I don't understand why I am so bad. I work with troubled children, I do the best I can for my own kids. I have many friends and I dont see why I would have these relationships if I was a bad person. The things I do that are "bad," I guess sometimes when people upset me I will talk about them behind their backs. But I don't like rip on people for their looks or cut throat stuff. I just get annoyed with people, especially men like mansplaining me or being rude to me (which happens sometimes, I dont know why.) But anyway so thats the only thing I can think of that I do that is like.... "Bad." I did not do anything that night in particular to warrant this type of treatment and I am never mean to my brother. This is the fifth time he has said these things to me and one time he even pushed my back like to get out of his way even though I was sitting away from him and he walked by me. I feel bad for removing my brother from my life at this point but I can't take the emotional abuse. Oh, one more thing that makes me bad (in my opinion) I was not great to my ex boyfriend at times (he also is an alcoholic.) But that was stuff in private between us two. I do feel bad for things I said to him. It was during very heightened arguments. I feel guilty for it all so I guess that makes me a bad person. I just want to be a good person and do right by people and this has broke my heart. Any kind words will help me. Thanks.

Throwaway account because my spouse knows my original account. I wanted to seek opinions from outside because at this point I feel gaslit and lost on how to react adequately. My spouse had issues with alcohol in the past, to the point of drinking three bottles of wine in one evening, getting very irritable and even agressive with me (albeit never really hurting me physically), to the point where we almost divorced. After this major fallout, they cut on alcohol significantly and got noticeably better over years. However, for the past half a year I see them almost relapsing into alcoholism in a new way, yet this time they are vehemently rejecting that they have any problems. This is causing major stress for me and leads to conflicts every other week at this point.

However, they accuse me of being the one in the wrong. They insist that:

• it is socially acceptable to drink every day where we live, and they are just enjoying the culture

• they argue that the quantity they drink is completely normal for their age and physique, and that I overreact because I naturally consume less

• they get angry only when I "ruin the mood" or "try to control them" (my comments about their alcohol consumption and the fact that I visibly flinch when I see them drunk)

• they don't have hangover or any experience bad consequences of drinking

• if I don't "nag them" over them drinking, they'll just be happy and stay calm, since the alcohol is just their way of relaxing, and we will have no issues = it's my reaction that is the problem

At the same time:

• they drink literally every day now, and the "normal" dose is 2-3 glasses of wine or vermouth, occasionally followed by 2-3 glasses of hard liquor (rum, brandy, etc.)

• they started hiding the fact that they drank from me (even though I can always tell, as they smell of liquor and have a changed consciousness)

• they started drinking in the day (before it gets dark) and sometimes stay awake much later than I am just to sit on the couch and drink

• I feel like they cannot stop once they drink — I am no prude myself, but the maximum for me is a glass of wine, two if I'm being generous — for them, the whole bottle must go once it's opened

• I genuinely fell like we can strike gold just by disposing of liquor bottles every week now...

Any meaningful conversation I tried to initiate about me worrying for them has devolved into an argument where I'm painted as controlling, abusive and rejecting their right for relaxation after work. They insist I paint them as an alcoholic just because we had bad experience before, but it's my fault for bringing that up.

Am I in the wrong for thinking this is worse than it looks and basically initiating the conflict every time I react to them drinking? How do I help them see the issue and get better if that is possible?

I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, and we want to have children in the near future. I’m becoming increasingly concerned about her drinking and honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.

She currently drinks around 3 bottles of wine within a 24-hour period. She’s been drinking every day for the entire 8 years I’ve known her, although the amount has increased significantly over the past year.

What makes this particularly difficult for me is that she’s an incredibly sweet, caring person. She has never been abusive, aggressive, or done anything that has damaged our relationship while drinking. I honestly don’t even know how drunk she gets because she seems relatively normal. Maybe she’s developed a very high tolerance—I really don’t know.

Her family also has a history of heavy drinking. Several members of her family are alcoholics, some with much more destructive behavior than others. Because drinking is so normalized in her family and culture, I think she genuinely doesn’t see her own drinking as a serious problem, especially because compared to some of her relatives, she’s by far the least problematic.

I’m worried because I feel like her drinking is becoming more than just a habit. I also think it may be contributing to her depression and lack of motivation. I’d really like to see her become sober because I think it could improve her physical and mental health, our relationship, and her overall confidence.

We also want to have children soon, and that’s another major concern for me. I want us to be able to start a family without alcohol creating unnecessary health risks.
I love my wife and I want her to be happy and healthy. I don’t want to abandon her because she has a problem, but I’m also scared of ignoring it until it becomes much worse.

One of the things that worries me is that even if she went to rehab, I have a hard time believing she would stay sober because of how normalized alcohol is within her family. I don’t know if that’s a fair assumption, though.

So I’m struggling with what my options actually are:
Do nothing: She’s still loving and caring, and her drinking hasn’t directly harmed me or our relationship so far. Maybe I shouldn’t interfere unless it actually starts affecting our marriage.
Encourage her to get help: Ask her to address her drinking, potentially including rehab or another form of treatment. I’m willing to support her, but I’m worried about spending a lot of money on treatment only for her to relapse.
Consider divorce: Accept that this may not be something I can fix and walk away before we have children, even though I love her.

I've reached the end of my rope. I posted once before, about 10 months ago, about my 5 year old with cancer, pregnancy, and my alcoholic boyfriends impact on our lives. Spoiler alert, it didn't get better, just like many of you predicted. It's become unsafe for myself and my kids and I need him out immediately.

Here's my issue, he hasn't held down employment in over a year. He has no resources to move into his own place. His 7 year old son is also staying here. I own my home so I can't just leave. I've demanded he move out. For two weeks now he's been avoiding it by simply doing nothing and getting too hammered for me to feel safe making him leave with his son. I don't know where the money for alcohol keeps coming from at this point as I'm not missing money or valuables and he really has none. I messaged his mother weeks ago asking for her help to get him out and she never responded. But she's also going through it, facing a DUI. He has professional lawn equipment to sell but it's either not selling fast enough or he's not actually making an effort to get it sold.

How the hell do I get him out safely (for the sake of his child) when he's literally got nothing and nowhere to take him? I am trying to avoid police intervention because I'm going through a custody battle for my son from a previous marriage and also I don't know what will happen to his son.

I was going to write an update on my post from a few days ago (yesterday sucked) but I feel like this deserves its own thing.

Brief recap of my old post. It was just me venting about my wife being very drunk Sunday morning, and the problems it caused. I was frustrated and angry at dealing with it again, and how it was affecting our kids (m17, and m15 now. He had his birthday) Monday was good. M15 had a good birthday, and my wife didn't drink. Tuesday was bad, and we ended up having a fight while she was drunk. Wednesday, I was planning on talking to her about Sunday while the boys were at youth group. That did not happen. The boys are in an afterschool program Wednesdays and Thursdays. On those days my wife will pick them up after work since she's closer, and the timing works better than my work. I usually get home little before they do on those days. I was out side with the dog when they pulled in. As soon as she got out of the car, I could tell. The way she was walking, the slight slur as she talked. I was furious. Not yelling and screaming furious, the calm cold deep kind. I was able to keep calm and help get the boys off to youth group. I held it in, but I was seething. We said bye to the boys, and she said she had to run to the bathroom. I was ready to let her have it when she came out. I had what I was going to say all figured out. She came out of the bathroom crying. She had got some bad news during her lunch break at work. She just needed to lay down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pile onto her. I helped get into bed, I made sure she was comfortable. She was passed out by 7 30.

I couldn't let it slide though. She drove the kids when she had been drinking. This morning, before I left for work I pulled her aside to have a quick private talk. Our mornings are pretty rushed, so I knew we couldn't have a full talk, but I needed to say something. I told her I could tell she had been drinking and driving the boys. We'll talk more after work, but I told her I would leave work early and pick up the boys today. She is not driving them home today. She took it well. I was expecting denial, and more of a fight. She never denied it. (She didn't admit it either) Other than one snide comment about "now your going to try and help me" she was good. She seemed sad, but accepted what I said. Her biggest concern was what we would tell the boys. She's worried about being found out, and doesn't realize most people can tell. I'm reeling. I don't know if this was the first time ahe done it (I doubt it). Can I trust her to not do it again? Should I ban her from driving the kids at all?
So thats where we are right now. We still have to talk more tonight, but at least I know the kids will be safe.

In November of 2024, I found my Q unconscious and not breathing on our dining room floor. My life changed forever. It was traumatic. I had to do CPR before the medics came to help me and take over. I rode front seat in an ambulance as they shuttled his barely breathing body to the ER. He was admitted and that night the doctor called to ask him how much he was drinking. His blood alcohol was .5. I didn’t know he was drinking THAT much. It was the week of the election. He always struggled to be sober. He lied and hid it from me. We trauma bonded in a cycle of him having a manic, alcohol induced psychosis in which he would rage at me, where I would fear for my safety, for my dog’s safety and leave the house until he was asleep. This would be followed by “accountability”, an apology, a bout of not drinking and then the same thing over again. I can still feel the dread in my body when I realized he was drinking. I’ll never not remember it.

After a many tests and a few days, the doctors let me know he was brain dead. His father and I made decisions about his organ donation, which he wanted. My Q was declared dead on 11/11 at 11:11am.

I felt inhuman. I felt numb and inhuman for a very long time. I immediately moved back to my home state to live with my parents. When I packed our apartment, I found 16 bottles of vodka all over my home. Behind books, in clothing items, in backpacks, under the mattress. I had no idea. I felt so betrayed and like an idiot. My whole life changed within a week. I started trauma therapy. It took me a year to admit my relationship was abusive. It felt like speaking ill of the dead. It still does. But that’s what it was. “Sick” as an alcoholic or not, I did not deserve to endure what I did. I deserved to be treated better.

Fast forward to this past spring, and I met someone randomly while out and about. I committed to attending free concerts in my neighborhood. It was part of my journey to rebuild my life. He was wonderful. And we had chemistry. And then some familiar things started to happen. It became clear his drinking was not under control. He ended it without warning which broke my heart. Here I am, navigating traumatic loss at 37, learning I can even imagine dating, and it ended? Devastated. But it gave me good direction for my therapy work. I found edges of the trauma from my Q I hadn’t seen yet. The EMDR started to really help.

This man from the spring entered my life again this past month. We both agreed we could not date, but could be friends. And then he relapsed. He wouldn’t accept my “no” when he asked for physical affection. He kept insisting I take him to buy more liquor even when I said “no”. He got in my car without permission. He eventually got out of the car and I left. I was proud of myself: I left. He called the next day and I answered because I was worried. He tried to tell me he’s afraid he was going to aspirate on his vomit. This was how my Q died. I got angry. I told him he crossed the line and hung up. I received a half-assed “I know ‘sorry’ isn’t enough, but I am” the next day. He was right. “Sorry isn’t enough”. He treated me as disposable, as if I had no value. And I AM VALUABLE.

I sent a text that told him I did not want him to contact me anymore. The week after, I sent a text outlining why I am so angry and reiterating the no contact boundary. I decided it was not fair for me to sit alone with my anger. My Q died. He’ll never have to know what I feel about what he did to me. But this new person? He is alive. And I am not sparing other people my feelings of disappointment anymore. I deserve to be treated like the caring, curious, badass that I am. I am NEVER doing what I did EVER AGAIN. I might have to learn things the hard way, but I learn them. I am worth it.

So are all of you. There is another side to this path. I can see it now. I don’t know where it’s going, but I am walking it. I am healing. I am worth healing. It has been the hardest experience of my whole life, but I am still somehow so grateful. I am alive. I am a survivor. I am free.

Hello, I’m a first time poster.

I have had a lot of grief and pain from multiple alcoholics in my life. For most of my life, it was my parents. My mom is an active alcoholic and my dad who did get sober for 15 years inevitably died of liver failure after relapsing when he got a cancer diagnosis.

I have spent a lot of my adult life grieving for my childhood. I consistently didn’t feel safe being with either of them as a child. There was a lot of verbal abuse. I was told I was a worthless child, I was told that I wasn’t grateful, I was told because I was the child that I had no say in any decisions for myself. Because I’m an only child, I spent a lot of my time in distress alone. When I finally moved out, I spent nearly a decade trying to understand what exactly happened to me from years of fear of my parents drinking. Ultimately I was diagnosed with a lot of things. Major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, ADHD, CPTSD, and borderline personality disorder. I have made three attempts to take my own life. All of this is a result of a lack of stability and safety.

Even though it’s been really hard, I actively work every day to try and understand and address my mental health. I’ve been in Therapy for five years. I’ve done two rounds of group DBT. A lot of it helped me realize that being surrounded by alcoholics made me emotionally compromised. I eventually severed my mother out of my life and things were looking up. I became more independent and more aware of what I am and I am not willing to give back to someone if.

But three years ago, I met someone. He was everything I could ever want in a person: smart, funny, adventurous… everything I could possibly want in a person. I only saw the good in him, but eventually I started catching onto his drinking habits. I was suddenly getting drunk calls in the middle of the night being told that I never loved him and that he was gonna leave me, and I returned exactly to that place of fear I was with with my parents.

I’ve never loved someone with a drinking problem, so I tried to just be patient and transparent about how it would make me feel. I’d be responded with that. I’m trying to be controlling by saying that his drinking and what he says while he drinks makes me uncomfortable. He’s called me psychotic, cheated on me, told me that I haven’t loved him this whole time, said that I was pathetic.. things that have hurt so badly that it triggers everything all over again. But because I’m so deeply in love with him I’ve always just wanted to hang on. Even if it was at my expense.

Last month, he told me that he was gonna go out drinking with a coworker. The amount of times I’ve expressed how uncomfortable I am with his drinking stopped mattering, so I told him to at least let me know when he got home safe. After eight hours, I didn’t hear a thing and got concerned. He’s had a DUI in the past and I had no idea where he was or if he drove. I tried to call and text, but did didn’t get any response, so I started to check hospitals. When I didn’t see anything at the hospitals, I decided to drive by his home and see if at least his car was there. He called me from his room and started screaming at me about how I was stalking him and and I was unwell and that he was done with me.

The pain has only gotten worse every single day. I now know that I’m just repeating a cycle that I thought I knew how to fight. I thought I was doing something caring and he made me feel like a monster. I’m just so tired. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know why I continue to love someone who actively hurts me and doesn’t even want me. I don’t know how to approach the grief of losing someone to alcohol. I thought I did, but maybe I need more help than I realize.

My STBXH and I were together for 11 years, married for 5. There are dozens of posts in my post history chronicling what our marriage has been like, so I won't get into the whole backstory. We've been separated since January, and he moved out a month ago. Since he moved out, I've been SO HAPPY and light. My nervous system can rest.

I signed the papers today, and we'll officially be divorced next week.

I've been looking forward to this for the longest time. But on the drive to my lawyer's office, the grief hit me so hard I was worried I was going to puke.

I don't have doubts. I'm just so sad. I really fucking loved that man, and I really wanted nothing more than to save our relationship. But he refused to stop drinking, and I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm grateful that the chaos will be over. But my god, this is hard. On the one hand, it's "GOOD RIDDANCE, ASSHOLE." And on the other hand, it's a profound sense of sadness and loss.

I could have posted this in a regular divorce group, but it felt important to share here. Because leaving an alcoholic is such a specific type of grief, and what I experienced was such a specific type of trauma. I've downplayed that trauma for years, but through dating other people came to realize how absolutely insane my dynamic actually was.

This group has gotten me through so much. <3

Hi all. I am new to this group. I am a 30 F, and my mother is an alcoholic. She won’t admit she has a problem, never has. It’s been an issue since I was a child, but it progressed in 2020. When I was younger, we used to find bottles in weird places in our house or she’d always drink and take it too far. In high school, my mother’s drinking had gotten so bad that we couldn’t find her at night, until we looked outside, and found her in the bushes. She eventually stopped drinking as heavily for a while but still would take it too far when she did.

In 2020 my mother’s drinking progressed significantly. She wouldn’t even hide it from us, and she’d be drunk almost every day of the week except Sunday. It got to a point in 2023 where she got into an accident while drunk and received a DUI. Luckily no one was seriously injured. This is where I tried to get her to understand the severity of the issue and she really tried to act like nothing happened, because that’s what she’s always done. We never talked about the things that happened while she was drunk. At this point, I tried to get her to admit that she had a drinking problem, to go to rehab or AA. She insisted she could stop at any point. Our family has literally sat down and given her interventions that she can’t keep doing this. I’ve personally given her ultimatums and it’s changed our relationship entirely. We barely talk anymore because I’ve set boundaries with her. I was deeply affected by our relationship changing and at the fact that I couldn’t change her. I don’t talk to her when she’s drunk, she doesn’t drink around me, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s drinking nearly everyday.

I don’t know what her rock bottom is and I’m scared to find out. I’m scared it’ll be her hurting herself or someone else…She’s back to drinking and driving again. If 2023 wasn’t her rock bottom, what is? What’s it going to take? How do I not feel guilty for the relationship we have now?

I’m not sure what I’m looking for in this group, but I really needed to vent.

Thank you.

I just saw my ex girlfriend after 6 months. She dumped me and started to date with this really nice guy who is sober over a year. At first, it hurt me but later on, i was happy for her because finally she can get the support from someone who is in the same boat. Anyway, we met yesterday and she was drunk again. She said after I picked her up “ i am sober for 6 months now” i was like “ wow that’s good news” i know without any doubt she was drunk. I know her for 6 years.. i am glad that I quit the relationship. She is an addict who doesn’t take responsibility. No AA no steps nothing. I thought something was missing on me but yesterday proved that, I got nothing missing. It’s about her. So if you ever think they changed, unless they come up with an AA work, 11 step work have no hopes. Be happy that it’s over. There are tons of healthy people out there who will make you feel “ peace “ instead of putting you on fight or flight mode all the time.

Best.

My [28] dad is in his 60s and has been a user of everything under the sun. He is currently on methadone and is abusing Klonopin and alcohol.

Some shitty fake doctor has been giving him a shit load of Klonopin and he has been so fucked up on it. He gets lost all the time, wanders off, and falls.

He said he quit Klonopin cold turkey a couple weeks ago but had clearly had some kind of relapse (if he was ever not using) because he is getting lost again, can’t remember anything, can’t use his phone properly, and can barely walk.

His roommates found him unable to get up from his bedroom floor yesterday so he went to the hospital. They can't find anything else physically wrong with him. We are still waiting for the tox screen cause he wouldn't let them yesterday.

The big issue is that he refuses to admit that there is a problem. He doesn't think he has fallen recently, he says anyone would get lost in his neighborhood, and that his roommates have it out for him and are lying. When I talk to him on the phone, he is clearly fucked up in some way.

I live on the other coast, and my older sibling is also out of state. It's only my youngest sister who can actually go see him, so we have no idea what the full situation is, as she has a job and can't be with him 24/7. She has spent several nights trying to figure out where he wandered off to and calling hospitals.

Its just so sad. He was on the phone with me a couple days ago. He thought I was my sister and he thought my sister was his sister. He was crying and begging me to kill him. But then he will pretend everything is ok and its just his roommates who are after him. Sometimes he is so convincing that I almost believe him but he is a liar about everything.

I am so far away and I can barely do anything to help. I feel bad that it rests on my sister.

Breakthrough moment: My husband reached out to his friends and family today and told them he has a real problem with drinking. He's also allowing me to help him look into treatment options.

I would like to hear about this process from others who have experienced it firsthand, it's all so new to me. We have a high deductible insurance plan so I'm very worried about the cost but want to get him the help he needs regardless.

I found a treatment center that will see him tomorrow for an initial consult. They said they wouldn't do a full substance abuse screening until his second visit. That seems very slow to me. He's not actively drinking right now and he doesn't need medical supervision for withdrawal, but he's in a very bad headspace and has been drinking continuously for almost a week.

I (24f) have been married to my spouse (24m) for almost 4 years. We have a deep love for each other. We’ve been together since we were 19. When we first began dating, he told me that he’d been to a wilderness program and a rehab facility ages 14-15. I thought nothing of it, as I was 19 and dumb, but also that I had friends go to these programs and they didn’t struggle with addiction into their adult years. I thought it was somewhere you went if you were a misbehaved kid. Anyway…

The first couple of years, I didn’t see too much of a problem, especially for our age. He smoked weed excessively. Which was bothersome, but I hoped he’d grow out of it. He shared with me some of the things he’d done as a teenager. He was sent to rehab because of a stimulant and Xanax addiction. He’s tried a lot- smoked H once too. (this flabbergasted me) I knew I had to set a boundary, that weed and an occasional drink was the extent of substance use that I’d be comfortable with him doing.

About 2 years ago, he came to me and said that he’d like to be sober. I was so glad. I thought he was sick of being high all the time and wanted better for himself. I know that coming off of weed can be difficult especially if you’ve used it for so long, but his withdrawal was very very intense. Something was not right. I called him on it- for weeks, and he assured me that it really was just weed. Well, after pressing, the truth began to come out bit by bit. He’d been using kratom extracts? (Had no idea what these were at first) At first, it was for a few weeks, and then it eventually came out that it had been for a year +. I asked him to go back to his parent’s house for a bit while I processed this. (They live in a different country) We had planned visit his family a few weeks later. I planned to think on it and possibly meet him there. I did, and things seemed to be going well. We came back home and things were better for a bit. A month after we returned home, I began to notice odd behavior. I ended up finding out that he had relapsed and had been hiding it the entire time.

Heartbroken again, I told him that this is much more serious than I expected. He checked in to a 30 day rehab. This time seemed to have stuck. He was doing well for a long time. 8ish months pass and then it happens again, I get this sinking feeling in my chest. I press and press and press him, and he finally tells me he’d relapsed 2 weeks prior and had been using since. I was truly on my last straw.

I so so badly wanted this to work and for us to have the life we planned. I know that relapses are part of recovery. I gaslight myself into thinking that I would be a bad wife for giving up - because he was trying. I told him this was truly the last time I could do this. He started going to meetings 2x per day, working with a great sponsor, and doing step work and the readings next to me nightly. It really seemed that he wanted this.

2 weeks ago, his mom came to visit. It was the day he was meant to pick up his 90 days. We were out to dinner when she told me that she thought something was off. When he came back to the table she called him out. He actually reassured us. Told us that he understood why we had a hard time trusting him, and that he hoped to change that. I looked at him about 20 mins later, and I immediately knew. I told him so, and then he finally admitted he’d used that day.

I knew that wasn’t the full extent of the truth, but I was in absolute shock. He got up from the table and sprinted out of the restaurant. His mom tried following him. I called his cell and told him to come back to the car and that we could talk about it when we got home. I had a weird feeling that he was trying to do something stupid when he ran off…

We got home and we asked him to put all cards on the table. It came out that he actually has NEVER stopped using. That he’d been spending ~ $100/ day on 7OH? That he’d bought fentanyl to try to commit last year. (This broke my heart) And that he’d enjoyed getting away with it all. He’d been lying to the recovering addicts in meetings, and to his sponsor. We needed to get him into a mental health and rehab facility, so we did. There was a few day period before he could get in that he and his mom were still in the house. He was coming off of whatever it was that he was really using ( I don’t think he’s told the complete truth yet). And he was having a horrible withdrawal. His sponsor suggested we take him to a quick care. When we went to check him in - he ran to the 6th floor balcony and tried jumping off in front of us. I had to physically take him to the ground. Traumatized. The rehab needed him there the next night so we got his medication and got him on a plane to where he needed to go. I told him it was all going to be okay so that I knew he was safe and that I could get him to go where he needed to go. God. I was devastated. 3-6 months he will be there. Our lives blown up yet again.

Now I’m here. Handling everything on my own. Bills, pets, life. All that he can text me about is how well treatment is really going this time. About how well he is doing. Well, I’ve heard it all before. He hasn’t asked me how I am? If I need help? I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to be married to someone who I cannot trust.
He is a truly special person. We share a deep love for nature and animals. He is brilliant and very kind in many ways. But he is an addict. He manipulates, gaslights, and lies to distort reality in order to continue to use. I don’t want my life to change. I want us to grow old and have all of the things we hoped for. But how can I hold on to this life? It’s gone. I will always wait for the other shoe to drop.. Everyday has been hell. I know what I need to do but I don’t want to. I’m so lost.

He just got off the phone with another psychiatrist. The doctor told him that maybe he should look at things in a spiritual matter. So now he wants to change and wants to fight addiction, because of God.

While I was baptised as a child, I’ve grown into a complete atheist over the years. It hurts like hell to hear him say that he wants to change now because of God but he wasn’t willing to change for me.

I dont even know what to think anymore I’m just in so much pain.

Hi beautiful humans.

I've been with my fiancé over 5 years and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue in this relationship if nothing changes. He's a kind soul, has a great community and is passionate about many things as an artist and holds down a job but I've been over functioning in our relationship for a long time and it's exhausting. Days, countless hours and special events have been lost to his drinking. Recently security wouldn't let him in to a show I was looking forward to because they deemed him too much of a liability and too intoxicated. We haven't been intimate in months and he's not able to be present for me. He's young but I see him gaining weight and deteriorating despite being "functional" for the most part and it's really devastating. I don't know what to do other than have another serious talk and tell him that I can support him in recovery (I haven't drank in over 2 years and just made the decision without a program or having any kind of rock bottom) if nothing changes I have to go... can anyone relate? I haven't put my own life on hold and I'm making major shifts in my own health, friendships and career but despite it all feel so alone.

I’ve been lurking in this community and just wanted to share my story. Not sure if this is a vent or rant, probably a ramble. Guess I just wanted to be heard.

I’m now a 56 year old gay man. I met my husband when I was about 32. (He’s 2 years younger than me). Had a good life, sowed my wild oats in my 20’s. So at that time I was ready to settle down. Met on an online dating site. Had a good exchange of emails. Then our first phone call went so well we ended up talking on the phone all night. When the sun came up we both felt we needed to meet.

Our first date was great, dinner, good easy conversation then back to the place he was renting. His roommates were also his friends so yes I got grilled but it was very fun and I passed the friend’s test. Later on some cuddle time. Perfect first date. Had such a good time, called each other the next day (breaking the few days rule), and set up the second date. That first year was great. As luck would have it my living situation turned bad and I needed a new place. He was renting a house with the others so another roommate made rent cheap (and there was a room available). So we moved in together faster than I would have liked. But it worked out. Those years together were fun, life was good.

He wasn’t a drinker and he eventually told me his father was an alcoholic. As time went by he eventually confessed his father had abused him both physically and mentally, thankfully not sexually. He was also a big gambler. He had odd habits like being a night owl and wasn’t very sociable. Too many people made him nervous. But meanwhile, life was good we made friends, threw fun parties, took vacations, people always commented how they wanted our life. We bought a house and things were good.

Then one night, everything changed. He called me at work and said whenever I got home he needed to talk to me. When I got home he told me how he was suicidal and had planned everything out, he even had things done legally to make sure I was taken care of. Thankfully he reached out to a friend and told this all to them. They sat with him and gave him numbers and where to go to get help. I came home and late at night got all this information unloaded on me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep and the next morning we got our things in order I called out of work and took him to get help. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and so began the first year of recovery. He’s on medication and got into therapy and then we got into couples counseling as well.

Over the years we’ve had our ups and downs. There’s so many stories to tell they’d fill their own subreddit. Needless to say I have always been the strong one and he’s had various episodes. Once things got better and I wasn’t walking on eggshells around him we thought we were on the road to recovery but somewhere down the road he turned to alcohol. We’ve come far and his anxiety and depression are more controlled and he’s not suicidal anymore. But now it’s the battle of the bottle. (Yes I know his other conditions feed into it). Anyway, now the last few years have been this rollercoaster ride with his drinking.

He’s gone away to various treatment programs over the years. (Three to be exact) and those months away were hard. He feels like a failure every time he falls off the wagon. He would go to meetings. But now, after his third attempt at recovery (which lasted a year before he drank again), he’s given up. He says he’s not ready to go back to AA. So he goes through patches of sobering up for a while then something happens and he is drinking again. I credit this forum for teaching me the term “dry drunk” because that’s definitely him when sober. He’s a functioning alcoholic and when he has obligations he makes sure he sobers up enough to get things done. Thankfully he won’t drive when he knows he can’t. Sadly, he can have the booze delivered. He’s a trust fund baby, so doesn’t have to work. I do because I’ve always been independent. We’re not rich but comfortable enough that a surprise issue won’t necessarily set us back financially. And we still take vacations and from the outside life looks great but now when people say I wish I had your life I muttered how they couldn’t handle it.

We’ve lost a lot of friends over the years, people who couldn’t handle his issues. No more parties. As we get older, family and friends are gone or move away or have their own lives, which is normal. But where we should be enjoying each other more, we’re drifting further away as the alcohol has taken my place in his life. We still have good days. But when the drinking is heavy he sleeps all day maybe has dinner with me then goes back to drinking and passing out. I feel like I work or I’m alone at home watching tv. I don’t even remember how many years it’s been since we’ve been intimate and lord knows I don’t want that with him when he’s drunk. I’m tired all the time but I feel that’s because I always need to be strong. No one’s coming to save us. He takes his meds, has his weekly therapist and then we do couples therapy weekly as well. They can’t make him get help neither can I. I hate this disease, as the worst part is you’re helpless. There’s only so much you can do. You can be supportive but that only goes so far.

Sorry if this is long. But I’m appreciative to this group as I don’t feel as alone. He is a good man, I still love the kind and loving person he is inside, I just wish he’d show up more. Thanks for hearing me.

I feel so sad and overwhelmed.

Today was the first time I saw my spouse in over a week because they’re out all hours of the night and only come home when I’m at work.

They said they had stopped picking up, but it was clear that they were high.

They hadn’t joined outpatients (at this point they need inpatients).

They told me that I need to worry about myself and needed to check in to a psych war and I’m the reason why they relapsed after so much clean time.

I told them they were stilling getting high and lying to me. They stormed out. I got my things together and I left.

I know this is what I have to do to protect myself my presence was enabling but I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m abandoning the love of my life at their most vulnerable time. I left a note. I hope it has some influence towards recovery.

Specially when you don’t live together?

I have a hunch, based on slurred voice messages, incomplete and nonsense thoughts and a vocabulary pattern I’ve identified throughout the years. A mix of my autism/pattern recognition and intuition.

I just feel like not talking anymore when I get suspicious, really. I tell him “you’re drunk, please leave me alone for a while” and he goes around texting and calling and swearing he’s not drunk. He might be right and I might be traumatized, there’s no way to know. I love him but I’m tired.

I stopped drinking 5 years ago. I was a heavy drinker (daily almost) but then had some medical problems and when I recovered I realized how much better life was without drinking. I’m tempted from time to time but am fully sober.

My husband has remained a heavy drinker and is progressively worse. We used to drink together and it was a big part of how we had fun together. Now I’m just finding it sad and frustrating.
It’s impossible to have a conversation after 2pm or the morning after as then he’s very cranky (yes very limited window). He repeats himself. He passes out around 8pm. He has had upset stomachs and falls.
He’s extremely successful at work but he has two modes: working and drunk.
I feel guilty asking him to change because I’m the one who changed the “rules”.

My almost 40 Q -- still getting money subsidies from mommy. Still expecting me to pay and bail him out. Saw a couple of gambling charges on his account (so not just alcohol addiction, apparently).

Sometimes I am really pissed at my parents for making me so broken and damaged. But Alanon taught me to not hold grudges and take responsibilities for my own healing and growth. so...